Round One, Set One Judgment
BardStephenFox
Funeris vs Macbeth
Funeris - Checkmate
OK, this is an interesting story. Very fun! It definitely appeals to the EN World Gamerati. Kudos to writing to your audience. But how about I add some actual critiquing in here?
I like your opening. You have some very evocative descriptions of the environment. I like that you use the number of cigarette butts on the ground to help track time. You describe the protagonist pretty well here. I get the feeling that he is a bit weary and cynical. But we never learn why. For the confines of the story, perhaps you don't need to explain it. But I do wonder about it.
You have good conflict going on here as well. There is the 'job' and then there is the revealed conflict between Destan and Ronaldo. You keep the story moving along and it was fun to discover the real conflict of the story.
I am conflicted here. Some of the issues I would point out are the lack of depth. The characters are just deep enough to be explainable. The action is just useful enough to be entertaining. The setting is just detailed enough to be usable. But in the end, I think that these might not be valid complaints. After all, you have written a piece of gaming fiction. And you have done it in such a way that it is fleshed out enough to be 'playable', but might not quite pass muster for a solid piece of publishable fiction. The kicker is that you are writing a parody. I can imagine writing out a series of game notes with this degree of depth. When we get to the end of the story, it comes out almost exactly like a game. So rather than criticizing you for not breathing more life into everything, I think I should be applauding you for cleverly poking fun at our hobby.
The story is a fun read. You bring in a lot of in-jokes. The more I know about EN World & gaming, the more amusing the story is. So I give you high marks on writing some amusing gamer fiction.
But Ceramic DM is more than just writing. It also involves integrating the pictures! So how well did you do?
The weakest picture is the quarry. I am left with the feeling that the endgame could have taken place just about anywhere. As a result, the quarry has no more significance than any other location in the story.
The crocodile head wasn't too bad. I think using it as a mask is a little weaker than it needs to be. But you did a good job integrating the picture throughout the story via the Cult of Sebek.
'The Prez' was a bit fun. I was afraid it would end up being mostly a throwaway. Having the pic represent her explosion was fun in a gory sort of way.
The censer was very good! You made it an important piece of the story since it was containing the souls of the victims.
In all, I very much enjoyed the story. It isn't a classic piece of fiction, but then Ceramic DM isn't a classic sort of writing contest. You have written to your audience and you have done so pretty well. Your picture use isn't outstanding, but it is competent. Please don't take that too harshly though. I have high expectations for handing out really high marks for picture use. In all, I had fun and that is a wonderful quality to have in a story. Thanks for writing it!
Macbeth - Election
*sniff* *sniff*
Is that the smell of social commentary laced with bitterness?
What a ludicrous premise! I dig it.
OK, your opening is pretty good at drawing the reader in. I would like a little more description of the theater. This is the main arena for the story and it deserves a little more detail. It's an abandoned theater, but is just dusty from being closed for a while? does it smell? What condition are the seats in? You flesh it out a bit more throughout the story, but a little more detail early would be nice.
Jamis could use a little more depth as well I think. You tell us he is crazy, but we don't really see it. For that matter, we don't see much of the insanity of the rest of the 'candidates' either. It is a difficult balance for this story I think. It is a short story so you don't want to overdo the detail, but a little more coupld be helpful here. I think I would approach it from the standpoint of a television screenplay. You want to briefly describe the actions of the vagrants in the theater so an extra could act them out, but not so much as to bog down the story.
I find the entire explanation of MUMU to be amusing, but possibly unnecessary. I suspect it is intended to show two things. First of all, that Jamis will have someplace to go 'home' to before the next day. He has an organization he is part of and that sets him apart from the rest of the 'candidates'. You are also drawing a parallel with presidential committees that help buttress a candidate enough to get through primaries and the like. The story is short enough that it isn't a distraction. But if you are going to go for satire, there is no reason not rip into MUMU. Jamis' sycophants should have walked home with him while showering him with praise.
You have a nice satirical piece here. Looking over it though, I think the pictures detract from the story.
Like Funeris, your use of the censer is the strongest picture. Spewing forth it's wisdom, which isn't listened to in a rush to make a decision, the lamp is an interesting metaphor.
The use of the quarry is weak since it isn't even a location of any real importance. The limited chamber beneath the quarry is more important, but only marginally so. The quarry ends up being a piece of background scenary, and that's it.
The crocodile is worse. It serves no purpose in driving the story anywhere. I'm not sure how you could have made it relevant, perhaps as a metaphor elsewhere in the story?
'The Prez' was evocative in usage. But ultimately you have used it to introduce a character that serves no purpose beyond window dressing. Fortunately, the picture has many elements. Using the background people as the Powers that Be is good. If you had used the woman as a more relevant character, I would have given you high marks for this picture.
I think you would have written a stronger story without including the quarry or the crocodile. As it is, both elements provide a distraction from the main flow of the story.
I think you could tighten the story up a bit, rip out the bits that you only included because the contest compels you to include them, and then submit the story for publication. Perhaps at the local university paper? Despite some of the nitpicks, I also enjoyed reading this story. Thanks for posting it. Now I need to start looking for more words to alliterate with.
Comparison
Funeris provides parody, Macbeth provides satire. Both stories are enjoyable. Both have strengths. There are weaknesses in the picture use for both stories. This is one of those rounds that I wish I could advance both contestants. But I can't, so I have to choose.
[sblock]If one of the stories had stronger picture use, it would be easy. But I think the picture use for both is pretty close. I enjoyed Funeris' story. But I enjoyed Macbeth's story just a bit more. I've got to go with Macbeth on this one.[/sblock]
Maldur
Round One, Set One contestants
reveal vs. Funeris vs. Macbeth
Funeris
Chtulu, insane rbdm's, egyptian gods, and a double cross
Macbeth
Cutting political remarks in disguise, bum's, odd elections and "low keys"
secret societies.
My judgement: [sblock]Macbeth, for a more readable story, great flow and a nice
twist in the story.[/sblock]
Rodrigo Istalindir
Round 1 Match 1 Reveal v Funeris v Macbeth
Reveal - Scratch
Funeris - Checkmate
This story starts strongly, and immediately establishes a very nice rhythm. The prose is descriptive yet economical, and the dialogue between Ronaldo and D-man rings true. The line "You know I don't do paranormal" is marvelous, setting up a character history with a minimum of effort. The first paragraph of the second act ("Morning of the eighteenth...") is also exceptional. The scene with the doomed girl is nicely done, and includes the strongest picture use in the story. Shades of Alien and Monty Python.
The setup proves stronger than the resolution, however. The school administrator seems unrealistically willing to cooperate with a gun-toting stranger, and this is the kind of jarring event that hurts momentum. The quarry setting comes across perfunctory, included because of the picture instead of being part of the natural flow of the plot. The resolution with D-man seems to be part of a in-joke, or at least, there wasn't sufficient back story to give you the 'A-ha!' moment it needs.
Picture use is decent, given the relatively tame and mundane images. The exploding girl is a perfect Ceramic DM use, creative without ignoring an element of the picture, and integral to the story. The quarry is a throw-away. The croc head is Ok, but a bit of a stretch to use it as a shapeshifter when there are no humanoid elements. Still, you get credit for not just using it as the necklace. The incense was a difficult picture, and it is worked into the scene reasonably well.
Macbeth - Election
Ah, satire. Hard to pull off, even harder when it's overtly political. Here we have an 'election' with a mystic oracle picking the leader of the free world from the ranks of the forgotten. The prose is workman-like, not spectacular, but functional. Jamis' speech is the highlight, and is pitch-perfect. The ending is laugh-out-loud funny.
The brevity of the story hurts it, though. This is an intriguing premise, but it suffers from not being grounded in time or place. The 'what' and 'how' are covered, but the 'why' is missing, and that would be the most interesting part, I think.
Picture use is average. It leads off with the best picture, an afflicted homeless woman auditioning for President. The next two are perfunctory -- the quarry base of MUMU and the croc mascot. The latter was a missed opportunity -- the urban legend of gators in the sewers could have played into the homeless protagonists. The censer is better, absolutely integral to the story and part of the sly ending.
Judgement:
[sblock]
Macbeth gets credit for swinging for the fences and taking a chance, but the story never reaches its potential. Funeris starts strong and finishes a little weak, but he has the single best picture use of the match, and a more polished story with some excellent prose. Judgement: Funeris[/sblock]