Fantasy Newspaper Problem Page

[WillieW]

Many years ago I was writing a scenario for Dungeon which involved clues in the form of letters to the editor of a woodblock-printed newspaper in a particular fantasy town. The scenario didn't get any further after some problems and was shelved.

What amusing or horrible tales might turn up in a fantasy newspaper problem page...?

The editor was named Waldo.

So it's: "Dear Waldo..."

 

[Turanil]

So it's: "Dear Waldo..."

"Dear Waldo,

Last month I did buy a magical potion from a peddlar on the market place. It was supposed to grow any plant to huge size. I needed it direly, because my garden is so small, I hoped to increase the size of the beans and be able to feed my whole family (otherwise my children eat only once every three days). But now, while the beans don't stop growing (each bean is now the size of a melon), I can't anymore enter the garden, and soon they will breach the walls enclosing my garden and protecting me from nearby goblins. Furthermore, the beans are totally inedible! I tried to break one: they are as hard as wood, not only the outside, but the inside as well.

Please tell me what to do! I don't have money to hire a druid, and besides don't know any druid. My children (5, 7, and 11) are starving, I fear they will be soon too weak to do their daily 8 hours of work, and thus the bartender who employs them and incidentally owns my house will be very angry. I am in a desperate situation, please help!

Marjorie"

 

[Turanil]

So it's: "Dear Waldo..."

"Dear Waldo,

I am extremely angry! My husband is lying to me! I know it!

It's all about this Annabella who gives herself such airs. We all know that she learned sorcery from Voterlius the mage, who, as everyone knows, would do anything for a pretty face. Anything I tell you! Like all men, whenever he will see a woman young and pretty, with her breasts jutting from the robe and... and... well, you know what I mean. So, you well know what happens, I am no fool! So, I can only tell but the obvious: Anabella (could her soul burn into the abysses!) did cast a love spell on my husband! When he says that he goes to the tavern with Edmond, I well know that he too is lying to his wife, because the two of them secretely go and meet with Anabella, and... and... you know what I mean!

Anyway! Let me tell you this: I have been an ardent follower of your newspaper since the beginning! Because of me, Judiane Colrine and Francesca Zoliana have both become readers of your newspaper as well. This is not nothing! Now, I know that you are able to listen to reason. So I ask you that you do something! I won't tolerate anymore any longer my husband's misbehavior or... or... or I cease altogether to read your newspaper, and Judiane and Francesca likewise!

Anonymous (name withheld because of my reputation!)"

 

[WillieW]

"Dear Waldo,

Last month I did buy a magical potion from a peddlar on the market place. It was supposed to grow any plant to huge size. I needed it direly, because my garden is so small, I hoped to increase the size of the beans and be able to feed my whole family (otherwise my children eat only once every three days). But now, while the beans don't stop growing (each bean is now the size of a melon), I can't anymore enter the garden, and soon they will breach the walls enclosing my garden and protecting me from nearby goblins. Furthermore, the beans are totally inedible! I tried to break one: they are as hard as wood, not only the outside, but the inside as well.

Please tell me what to do! I don't have money to hire a druid, and besides don't know any druid. My children (5, 7, and 11) are starving, I fear they will be soon too weak to do their daily 8 hours of work, and thus the bartender who employs them and incidentally owns my house will be very angry. I am in a desperate situation, please help!

Marjorie"

"Dear Marjorie,

What you need is a gullible giant, preferably on the way to market with a ginat cow, but in any event with something of value for which you can swap these obviously magic beans. It seems to me that only a giant would be able to pick them, and he might even find a use for the beanstalk.

You could try selling them to your landlord as replacement bowls for his skittles alley.

Or you could build up your muscles by lifting them repeatedly, climb up the beanstalk and seek your fortune in some magical land.

You could also just skip town.

-- Waldo"

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

Dear Waldo,

I am a man of the world, and have seen and slain many things. Recently, I wed a wonderful warrior woman who is everything I ever wanted in a woman, except...

We were at a festival recently, and the bards were singing about the exploits of the various warriors in the area to entertain the assembled masses. For many years, the songs of my epic exploits were the faire favorites. Except now, they sang more of my beloved Sonja's exploits than mine! Apparently, she has killed more people than she let on! She's been slaying around for a long time...and I thought I was her first battle-partner.

Now that the truth is out, how can I show my face around my fellow warrior drinking buddies?

Signed,

Kalidor

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

Dear Waldo,

I'm a hardworking halfling...legitimate businesswoman, and I think my boyfriend is being unfaithful.

I was poking around his apartment, and found a gift box. It was clearly a gift box, based upon the bright ribbons that held it closed. And he left it right where he knew I'd find it, in a double-trapped, triple-locked trunk behind a hidden wall in a locked room.

Inside the box was a 5'6" broadsword and a chainmail bikini, size 38D top, 36 bottom.

What do I do now?

Sunset Appleblossom

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

Dear Waldo,

I have lost MY RING, and I don't remember the last time I saw it. I don't want to use the classifieds to find it, but I really must have MY RING.

Can you reccomend someone trustworthy to help me get MY RING?

Call me:

"Sir Ron"

 

[WillieW]

Dear Waldo,

I'm a hardworking halfling...legitimate businesswoman, and I think my boyfriend is being unfaithful.

I was poking around his apartment, and found a gift box. It was clearly a gift box, based upon the bright ribbons that held it closed. And he left it right where he knew I'd find it, in a double-trapped, triple-locked trunk behind a hidden wall in a locked room.

Inside the box was a 5'6" broadsword and a chainmail bikini, size 38D top, 36 bottom.

What do I do now?

Sunset Appleblossom

"Dear Sunset Appleblossom,

It's evident that your boyfriend is not what he seems. I would go as far as to say that he has some reptilian blood and you should confront him at the first opportunity about his heritage.

Just mention the word 'Tyranavestite' and note his reaction.

-- Waldo.'

 

[WillieW]

Dear Waldo,

I am a man of the world, and have seen and slain many things. Recently, I wed a wonderful warrior woman who is everything I ever wanted in a woman, except...

We were at a festival recently, and the bards were singing about the exploits of the various warriors in the area to entertain the assembled masses. For many years, the songs of my epic exploits were the faire favorites. Except now, they sang more of my beloved Sonja's exploits than mine! Apparently, she has killed more people than she let on! She's been slaying around for a long time...and I thought I was her first battle-partner.

Now that the truth is out, how can I show my face around my fellow warrior drinking buddies?

Signed,

Kalidor

"Dear Kalidor,

Pilum-envy is quite common among fellow professionals such as yourselves. There is a support group in Little Manky Street, which meets every Thursday, and this may help you. The password is "Her thews are thicker than mine."

-- Waldo."

 

[WillieW]

Dear Waldo,

I have lost MY RING, and I don't remember the last time I saw it. I don't want to use the classifieds to find it, but I really must have MY RING.

Can you reccomend someone trustworthy to help me get MY RING?

Call me:

"Sir Ron"

"Dear Sir Ron,

Have you ever thought of just getting another RING? There seem to be many listed in the catalogues.

-- Waldo."