Fantasy Newspaper Problem Page

[WillieW]

Dear Waldo,

Recently I have been having problems with a small gnome family that seems hell bent on destroying my home. I have lined it with traps of all sizes and types yet they still manage to get past them all and steal my favorite things! The other memebers of my clan think I am crazy for writing to a pink skin, but I think you can help me solve my problem.

Signed: Skittering in the Dark

"Dear Skittering,

Gnomes, I am told, are small burrowing creatures and as such become distressed when you block uo their holes.

I would suggest wax in their nose holes, their ear holes, their [Continued on Page 6]"

 

[WillieW]

Dear Waldo,

I have recently discovered that my spells do not work as well as they used to. I used to be able to get up in the morning, and after a brief set of prayers was able to make our barabarian more burly, our rogue more nimble, our Bard less useless, and it would last almost all day. Now I find that I am only able to help them for a few minutes at a time. I don't know what has happened, and my friends have tired to reassure me that it isn't my fault, but I have heard them grumbling around the campfire. Please help!

Balco ReBuffed

"Dear Balco,

"Your magic may not be at fault at all. Perhaps it is truely that your barbarian is less burly, your rogue not nimble, and your Bard even more useless than normal. They are obviously unachieving slackers, who, content with their earlier victories, are too lazy to put in the work necessary to become real heroes. Now they blame you when it's their fault you were up all night in the tavern or drinking in the wilds.

"I think you should leave them to grumble by the fire (it's all that they're good for, by the sound of things) and go your own way.

-- Waldo."

 

[WillieW]

Dear Waldo,

I am getting so tired of the antics of the wizard next door. First, there are all the explosions caused by his spell research. Then, he actually stole some of the landscape rocks in my front garden to construct his stone golem. I have complained to the city watch, but they seem to be afraid to talk to him ever since he turned the tax collector into a squirrel. But now this is the last straw. This morning, I saw his nasty little monkey familiar pooping in my yard!

Waldo, what should I do?

Fuming in Flower Street

"Dear Fuming in Flower Street,

"Problems with the Wizard Next Door are, unfortunately, commonplace in modern urban living. You are not alone.

"Call to 'Had Enough Living Precariously In Magical Areas: The Outraged Addressee Division', whose members have had similar problems with wizardly neighbours.

"I suggest a scroll of lightning for the monkey.

-- Waldo."

 

[Buttercup]

Dear Waldo,

I am a successful merchant, who regularly travels between our fair town, the capital and the southern port cities. For years, I have been hiring caravan guards from the same hiring broker, but recently I have become dissatisfied. I suppose I first noticed that something was odd when I realized that all of my guards looked exactly the same. Then, we were attacked by bandits as we were crossing the slime marshes, and I noticed that all the bandits looked just like my guards! I lost the entire caravan that time, and barely escaped with my life. Everybody I tell about this just laughs at me, or says I am going crazy.

But it gets worse! Yesterday, my wife went out to market, and when she came back, I noticed that she looked exactly like the guards and bandits, and not like my wife at all. The children act like they don't notice anything, and when I spoke to the chambermaid, she said "Lawks, sir, but has you been hit in the head or sumpin'?"

Signed,
Muddled Merchant

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

Deeeeerrr Waaaaalllllldo,

BRAINS!!!

ZomB

 

[WillieW]

Dear Waldo,

I am a successful merchant, who regularly travels between our fair town, the capital and the southern port cities. For years, I have been hiring caravan guards from the same hiring broker, but recently I have become dissatisfied. I suppose I first noticed that something was odd when I realized that all of my guards looked exactly the same. Then, we were attacked by bandits as we were crossing the slime marshes, and I noticed that all the bandits looked just like my guards! I lost the entire caravan that time, and barely escaped with my life. Everybody I tell about this just laughs at me, or says I am going crazy.

But it gets worse! Yesterday, my wife went out to market, and when she came back, I noticed that she looked exactly like the guards and bandits, and not like my wife at all. The children act like they don't notice anything, and when I spoke to the chambermaid, she said "Lawks, sir, but has you been hit in the head or sumpin'?"

Signed,
Muddled Merchant

"Dear M&M,

"You should ask yourself some pertinent questions before jumping to any hasty conclusions:

"1) Have they all recently visited the same barber?

"2) Is there a sale of prison uniforms on at the gaol?

"3) How do you pronounce 'gaol'?

"4) Have you recently been hit on the head or something?

"If you can answer 'Nay' to 1), 2), and 4), then please check your back garden for giant pea pods.

"There may be more than peas growing in Marjorie's vegetable patch.

"-- Waldo."

 

[WillieW]

Deeeeerrr Waaaaalllllldo,

BRAINS!!!

ZomB

"Dear ZomB,

"I notice you are infesting my letterbox again with your luridly crayoned missals.

"I'm not sure if your repeated cry of 'BRAINS!' is an expression of some deep-seated problem, or a very, very, slow poem you're writing.

"If you find any brains, please let us know and we will try to return them to their rightful owners.

"-- Waldo."

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

Deeeeeeeer Waaaaaaaldoooo,

CANDYGRAM!

ZomB

 

[The Goblin King]

Dear W,

Given the choice between certain destruction or eternal damnation, who would choose oblivion? Serving my Lord is not bad but I have become dissatisfied with my job. It was fun having cool powers, at first. I get all sorts of perks. I have artifact armor and weapons, slaves, free tutoring in the black arts of necromancy, my very own castle of basalt overlooking the river styx, and a new warstrider crafted from soulsteel and the bones of a tyrant lizard. But tormenting villagers and bringing death to creation is a drag. I have tried to pick myself out of this ennui in various ways to no avail. I can find no solace between the sheets. I know that any women or men I bed will eventually grow old and die while I will remain forever young. Drugs have little effect as I seem to be immune to them. I have kidnapped the very best artists to entertain me with song, dance, painting, poetry, and scultpure. I then tortured them all to death when they failed to move me. What can I do to put spice back in my life?

Signed,
Angsty in the Underworld

P.S. I hope your advice does not dissapoint me. I am such a fan of your column and of course, I am watching you right now. Bye!

 

[WillieW]

Dear W,

Given the choice between certain destruction or eternal damnation, who would choose oblivion? Serving my Lord is not bad but I have become dissatisfied with my job. It was fun having cool powers, at first. I get all sorts of perks. I have artifact armor and weapons, slaves, free tutoring in the black arts of necromancy, my very own castle of basalt overlooking the river styx, and a new warstrider crafted from soulsteel and the bones of a tyrant lizard. But tormenting villagers and bringing death to creation is a drag. I have tried to pick myself out of this ennui in various ways to no avail. I can find no solace between the sheets. I know that any women or men I bed will eventually grow old and die while I will remain forever young. Drugs have little effect as I seem to be immune to them. I have kidnapped the very best artists to entertain me with song, dance, painting, poetry, and scultpure. I then tortured them all to death when they failed to move me. What can I do to put spice back in my life?

Signed,
Angsty in the Underworld

P.S. I hope your advice does not dissapoint me. I am such a fan of your column and of course, I am watching you right now. Bye!

"Dear Angsty,

"The fact that you have all these great powers over life, death, and the destiny of others and yet still spend some time out from your busy schedule to read the humble pages of the Tennim Tympanum says to me that not all evil, twisted, depraved, sadistic, egomaniacs are all bad.

"Expand your horizons. Take up less withering ways. The future will brighten with a renewed positive attitude.

"Of course being damned for all eternity is a major drawback.

"Let, us know, if you can, how that turns out for you.

"Regards,

-- Waldo."