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How not to be seen[/smallcaps]
Voice Over: In this picture there are forty people. None of them can be seen. In this film we hope to show how not to be seen.
CAPTION: 'HM GOVERNMENT, PUBLIC SERVICE FILM NO. 42 PARA 6. 'HOW NOT TO BE SEEN''
Voice Over: This is Mr E. R. Bradshaw, of Napier Court, Black Lion Road, SE5. He cannot be seen. Now I'm going to ask him to stand up. Mr Bradshaw will you stand up please?
In the middle distance a smiling holidaymaker in braces, collarless shirt and hankie, stands up. There is a pause. Only the sound of the wind. Then a loud gunshot rings out. Mr. Bradshaw crumples to the ground
Voice Over: This demonstrates the value of not being seen.
Cut to another location - an empty area of scrubland
Voice Over: In this picture we canot see Mrs. B.J. Smegma of 13, The Cresent, Belmont. Mrs Smegma will you stand up please.
There is a pause. Almost on the edge of the frame in the distance a pepperpot stands up, proudly. Immediately a shot rings out and she leaps in the air and dies. Cut to a bush some distance awy on open land
Voice Over: This is Mr Nesbitt of Harlow New Town. Mr Nesbit would you stand up please. (nothing happens)
Mr Nesbitt has learnt the first lesson of not being seen. However he has chosen a very obvious piece of cover. (the bush explodes; cut to a shot of three bushes)
Mr. E.V. Lambert of 'Homeleigh', The Burrows, Oswestry, has presented us with a poser. We do not know which bush he is behind, but we can soon find out. (the left-hand bush explodes, then the right-hand bush explodes, finally the middle bush explodes; there is a muffled scream; the smoke subsides)
Yes it was the middle one.
Cut to a shot of farmland. There is a waterbutt, a low wall, a big pile of leaves, a parked car and lots of bushes and trees in the distance
Voice Over: Mr Ken Andrews, of Leighton Road, Slough, has concealed himself extremely well. He could be almost anywhere. He could be behind the wall, inside the water barrel, beneath a pile of leaves, up in the tree, squatting down behind the car, concealed in a hollow, or crouched behind any one of a hundred bushes. However we happen to know he's in the water barrel.
The water barrel just blows up in the biggest explosion yet. Cut to a panning shot from beach huts accross to beach and sea
Voice Over: Mr. and Mrs. Watson of 'Ivy Cottage', Worplesdon Road, Hull, chose a very cunning way of not being seen. When we called at their house, we found that they had gone away on two weeks holiday. They had not left any forwading address, and they had bolted and barred the house to prevent us getting in. However a neighbour told us where there were.
The camera has come to rest on a very obvious isolated beach hut; it blows up. Cut to a building site in a suburban housing estate. There is a Gumby standing there.
Voice Over: And here is the neighbour who told us where they were (he blows up)
Nobody likes a clever dick. (cut to stock film of a small house)
Here is where he lived (it blows up)
And this is where Lord Langdon lived who refused to speak to us (it blows up).
So did the gentleman who lived here.... (shot of house: it blows up)...
and here ...(ditto)
and of course here.....(a series of quick cuts of various atom bombs and hydrogen bomb at moment of impact)
and Manchester and the West Midlands, Spain, China ...(mad laugh)
Cut to a presentation desk. The film is on a screen behind. We see it stop behind him as the presenter speaks.
Presenter: Ah, well I'm afraid we have to stop the film there, as some of the scenes which followed were of a violent nature which might have proved distressing to some of our viewers. Though not to me, I can tell you.
Flying Circus Scripts
Bye
Thanee
