Wide World of Melee
We're now just minutes away from the initiatve roll, and it seems to me Team Evil Genius is going to have their work cut out for them. We’re looking at a hot fight, hot enough to peel house paint.
Sure enough, Hawk, sure enough. But TEG is no slouch in the combat department.
Let’s take a look at the numbers.
First up is a non-league member going by the alias “Mikek.” Mikek is something of an oddity on the circuit – he’s not just a doppleganger, he’s a super-mega-ultra doppelganger.
Hold on to your drawers! Care to unpack that for us, Erk?
It’s a grim sight. Mikek’s a member of the Shapechanger type, and possesses an extra suite of immunities on top of that, making him proof against several of Atarax’s spells. Worse for some guys is his amorphous nature.
Amorphous?
He’s one sick puppy, Hawk. As a super-mega-ultra doppelganger, Mikek has no discernable anatomy, regenerates one hit point a round, and does not need to breathe.
Ouch! A ding dong knock down setup.
Exactly. With no discernable anatomy, we’re talking no critical hits and no sneak attack damage, plus total neutralization of one of Foleful’s favorite tactics – the swarm of summoned stirges. Combine that with the evasion Mikek receives from his levels of rogue, and things are tough for some guys.
Tough hardly says it.
That’s true, Hawk – on top of all those immunities, Mikek regenerates as if he were a troll and doesn’t need to breathe.
“Doesn’t need to breathe…” What’s the significance there?
Well, consider Mikek’s regeneration. All damage except fire and acid is subdual.
Check.
As I learned during the Marzipan Riots of ’89, there are times when you just don’t have the fire or acid handy, and can’t deal real damage to your foe.
Right…
But there are ways of dealing with an opponent that bypass hit point damage – death effects and disintegrate are two of them. Drowning is a third. And guess which of those three are going to be easier to manage in the field? You cut up the target, once it’s out, you cut up the target and dunk the biggest piece in a bucket. Rounds go by, it drowns, it’s dead.
Handy.
And Mikek’s immune.
Handy for Mikek then. Thar's situation is his back is against the wall, his shirt tail's on fire and the bill collector's at the door. Any bright spots?
Well, Mikek’s a real threat with his bow – a nifty little enchanted number called Surestrike. His AC is absurd, he’s got fifteen hit dice, boatloads of magic items and immunity. But on the plus side he’s not a damage-dealer. His short sword attacks are +17/+12, but without sneak attack damage he’s pumping out a piddling d6+6 or so. The key thing some guys are going to have to remember is don’t let him get those sneak attack dice in.
Hook a youie, head back to the house, and let’s take a look at Mikek’s flanking partners. Who else is in Team Evil Genius?
Out of the dozen or so members of the TEG, only two are going to be assisting Mikek in this fight. We’re looking at Targak and Zardle, two doppelganger rogues, one fifth level and one second level.
Pshaw! The Texans with their 10 gallon hats and their Willie Nelson headbands can tell you, don’t bring a second-level rogue to a eighth-level rogue fight.
You said it, I think. Targak and Zardle nearly match Mikek in basic damage-dealing capabilities – around +10 to attack, which is more than enough to land a blow on most of, uh, some guys, and again, roughly a d6+5 damage. Their Armor Classes are lower, though not by much, just because they don’t have the loads of magical buffing Mikek has.
And they’re sneak-attack boys?
You bet. Never underestimate the damage flanking rogues can output in a round. Main weakness for these two is their hit points – they don’t have any to speak of.
This is why this whole fight swings, like one of those pendulum things...
Right. Some guys have absolutely got to contain the sneak-attack output of TEG.
And for a look at how likely that’s going to be, we’re going live to Forsaken Widow, sorceress-queen, savant, and chosen of the New Moon, for analysis. Forsaken Widow?
(LIVE VIA SATELLITE FROM HER TOWER ON THE MOON: FORESAKEN WIDOW)
Who dares disturb me? Speak now, puny mortal, lest I cut out your tongue and teach it to speak for you!
This is the Seer Hawkwind, Forsaken Widow. Any thoughts on the upcoming TEG matchup against some guys?
Silence! I, who alone among the Children of Luna know the secrets of Whisper-His-Name, who have supped at the table of Raski the Queen of Spiders, I shall pronounce the wisdom and the measure! Silence, by the Oath of the Silver and by the Bird Who Sits On the End of the World!
Righto!
In the darkness beneath the world there is a tunnel, a vein that runs through the living rock. Here the weight of centuries bears down upon the traveler and none may pass without paying their due respects to the gods of pain and misery.
Don’t count sheep, as they say.
But one may pass through this tunnel at a time, and he must take care, for the tightess of the tunnel restricts the motion of all but the least constrained entities.
So we’ve wobbled into Weirdsville.
I speak of a four-foot-diameter tube, Hawkwind, insignificant worm. Such is the weight of all things. This passage connects the town Gulg to the blasted ruins of Freetown by way of the Hellmouth. There is one way out and one way in. The small size of the passage will hamper movement of mortals through it, though not for the participants in the fight as much as for some: their Small size will lessen their difficulties. The pathetic weakling Moroku, the orc hedge-wizard, will have the greatest trouble. Missile fire and line of effect for puny arcane magic will likewise be hampered, as triangulation is rendered an impossibility. Similarly, the foolish xvart insect’s summoned helpers will find their own movements hampered as well. This is the wisdom of Forsaken Widow, words you are not worthy to hear but which I in my mercy permit you to receive.
If the slime known to your limited perceptions as Mikek and its lackeys succeed in surrounding the foolish mortals who challenge them, they will surely be the victors. I have seen the results of this conflict written in the stars and in the blood of my enemies, but the non-disclosure agreement I signed prevents me from sharing this esoteric knowledge with you.
Sounds nasty enough to gag a buzzard. Any other thoughts?
Damn your eyes, Hawkwind! On your knees, child of the West! Bow down before me! You shall bow down!! This is not the end!! We shall meet again!!
(END SATELLITE FEED)
Right. Forsaken Widow, class act, huh Erk?
Any more omnipotent and she’d be a cliomancer. Now, as she said, I’m predicting that some guys are going to try to go after Mikek – this is a grudge match, after all – and find themselves severely sneak-attacked by his able flanking buddies. It’s a classic gambit.
So call the doctor, call the police, call a psychic... Well, the old clock-on-the-clown’s-belly tells me it’s nearly time for the initiative roll. And we will be there. This is Seer Hawkwind for the Wide World of Melee. Back after these messages.
We're now just minutes away from the initiatve roll, and it seems to me Team Evil Genius is going to have their work cut out for them. We’re looking at a hot fight, hot enough to peel house paint.
Sure enough, Hawk, sure enough. But TEG is no slouch in the combat department.
Let’s take a look at the numbers.
First up is a non-league member going by the alias “Mikek.” Mikek is something of an oddity on the circuit – he’s not just a doppleganger, he’s a super-mega-ultra doppelganger.
Hold on to your drawers! Care to unpack that for us, Erk?
It’s a grim sight. Mikek’s a member of the Shapechanger type, and possesses an extra suite of immunities on top of that, making him proof against several of Atarax’s spells. Worse for some guys is his amorphous nature.
Amorphous?
He’s one sick puppy, Hawk. As a super-mega-ultra doppelganger, Mikek has no discernable anatomy, regenerates one hit point a round, and does not need to breathe.
Ouch! A ding dong knock down setup.
Exactly. With no discernable anatomy, we’re talking no critical hits and no sneak attack damage, plus total neutralization of one of Foleful’s favorite tactics – the swarm of summoned stirges. Combine that with the evasion Mikek receives from his levels of rogue, and things are tough for some guys.
Tough hardly says it.
That’s true, Hawk – on top of all those immunities, Mikek regenerates as if he were a troll and doesn’t need to breathe.
“Doesn’t need to breathe…” What’s the significance there?
Well, consider Mikek’s regeneration. All damage except fire and acid is subdual.
Check.
As I learned during the Marzipan Riots of ’89, there are times when you just don’t have the fire or acid handy, and can’t deal real damage to your foe.
Right…
But there are ways of dealing with an opponent that bypass hit point damage – death effects and disintegrate are two of them. Drowning is a third. And guess which of those three are going to be easier to manage in the field? You cut up the target, once it’s out, you cut up the target and dunk the biggest piece in a bucket. Rounds go by, it drowns, it’s dead.
Handy.
And Mikek’s immune.
Handy for Mikek then. Thar's situation is his back is against the wall, his shirt tail's on fire and the bill collector's at the door. Any bright spots?
Well, Mikek’s a real threat with his bow – a nifty little enchanted number called Surestrike. His AC is absurd, he’s got fifteen hit dice, boatloads of magic items and immunity. But on the plus side he’s not a damage-dealer. His short sword attacks are +17/+12, but without sneak attack damage he’s pumping out a piddling d6+6 or so. The key thing some guys are going to have to remember is don’t let him get those sneak attack dice in.
Hook a youie, head back to the house, and let’s take a look at Mikek’s flanking partners. Who else is in Team Evil Genius?
Out of the dozen or so members of the TEG, only two are going to be assisting Mikek in this fight. We’re looking at Targak and Zardle, two doppelganger rogues, one fifth level and one second level.
Pshaw! The Texans with their 10 gallon hats and their Willie Nelson headbands can tell you, don’t bring a second-level rogue to a eighth-level rogue fight.
You said it, I think. Targak and Zardle nearly match Mikek in basic damage-dealing capabilities – around +10 to attack, which is more than enough to land a blow on most of, uh, some guys, and again, roughly a d6+5 damage. Their Armor Classes are lower, though not by much, just because they don’t have the loads of magical buffing Mikek has.
And they’re sneak-attack boys?
You bet. Never underestimate the damage flanking rogues can output in a round. Main weakness for these two is their hit points – they don’t have any to speak of.
This is why this whole fight swings, like one of those pendulum things...
Right. Some guys have absolutely got to contain the sneak-attack output of TEG.
And for a look at how likely that’s going to be, we’re going live to Forsaken Widow, sorceress-queen, savant, and chosen of the New Moon, for analysis. Forsaken Widow?
(LIVE VIA SATELLITE FROM HER TOWER ON THE MOON: FORESAKEN WIDOW)
Who dares disturb me? Speak now, puny mortal, lest I cut out your tongue and teach it to speak for you!
This is the Seer Hawkwind, Forsaken Widow. Any thoughts on the upcoming TEG matchup against some guys?
Silence! I, who alone among the Children of Luna know the secrets of Whisper-His-Name, who have supped at the table of Raski the Queen of Spiders, I shall pronounce the wisdom and the measure! Silence, by the Oath of the Silver and by the Bird Who Sits On the End of the World!
Righto!
In the darkness beneath the world there is a tunnel, a vein that runs through the living rock. Here the weight of centuries bears down upon the traveler and none may pass without paying their due respects to the gods of pain and misery.
Don’t count sheep, as they say.
But one may pass through this tunnel at a time, and he must take care, for the tightess of the tunnel restricts the motion of all but the least constrained entities.
So we’ve wobbled into Weirdsville.
I speak of a four-foot-diameter tube, Hawkwind, insignificant worm. Such is the weight of all things. This passage connects the town Gulg to the blasted ruins of Freetown by way of the Hellmouth. There is one way out and one way in. The small size of the passage will hamper movement of mortals through it, though not for the participants in the fight as much as for some: their Small size will lessen their difficulties. The pathetic weakling Moroku, the orc hedge-wizard, will have the greatest trouble. Missile fire and line of effect for puny arcane magic will likewise be hampered, as triangulation is rendered an impossibility. Similarly, the foolish xvart insect’s summoned helpers will find their own movements hampered as well. This is the wisdom of Forsaken Widow, words you are not worthy to hear but which I in my mercy permit you to receive.
If the slime known to your limited perceptions as Mikek and its lackeys succeed in surrounding the foolish mortals who challenge them, they will surely be the victors. I have seen the results of this conflict written in the stars and in the blood of my enemies, but the non-disclosure agreement I signed prevents me from sharing this esoteric knowledge with you.
Sounds nasty enough to gag a buzzard. Any other thoughts?
Damn your eyes, Hawkwind! On your knees, child of the West! Bow down before me! You shall bow down!! This is not the end!! We shall meet again!!
(END SATELLITE FEED)
Right. Forsaken Widow, class act, huh Erk?
Any more omnipotent and she’d be a cliomancer. Now, as she said, I’m predicting that some guys are going to try to go after Mikek – this is a grudge match, after all – and find themselves severely sneak-attacked by his able flanking buddies. It’s a classic gambit.
So call the doctor, call the police, call a psychic... Well, the old clock-on-the-clown’s-belly tells me it’s nearly time for the initiative roll. And we will be there. This is Seer Hawkwind for the Wide World of Melee. Back after these messages.
