Free PDF download - "Locus - Jalston"

[Cergorach]

Mark, overall I like it. But...

(Don't you hate those "buts"?)

English composition was not your strong suit in school, was it? Your sentence structure is not quite as mangled as some of the postings I've seen on Usenet, but 'tis a close run thing. There were places where I couldn't figure out what you were trying to say, and I used to translate Gygax.

It needs a re-write. A thorough re-write. You have a good start, but it aint done yet. Let me put it this way, I'd wear out at least three red pencils on the thing and have about ten pages of notes on it.

That's not good.

To put it another way, if you had sent it out as a text file I'd be sending it back 'bout now with tons of revisions and corrections. At least it's not in Zapf Chancery (beautiful font, but a royal pain if you want to do some serious reading).

So re-write, clarify, tighten up. It can be so much better.

BTW, did I mention it needs a re-write?

Mythus, i could get you the file in text format, are you prepared to wear out some red pencils ;-)

I found it an entertaining read and, if i like Focus, might use it in a futher campaign. But i did find it a difficult read, often rereading an entire sentence because it 'lost' me. I discounted it to being tired (and the fact that english isn't my native language), but if Mythus is right, Locus could be made an easier read. If it could, it would be much appreciated because players might not have enough patience to sit through a difficult read (even if it's only 10 pages).

It's still cool though!

 

[Upper_Krust]

Hi mythusmage!

Mark, overall I like it. But...

(Don't you hate those "buts"?)

English composition was not your strong suit in school, was it? Your sentence structure is not quite as mangled as some of the postings I've seen on Usenet, but 'tis a close run thing. There were places where I couldn't figure out what you were trying to say, and I used to translate Gygax.

It needs a re-write. A thorough re-write. You have a good start, but it aint done yet. Let me put it this way, I'd wear out at least three red pencils on the thing and have about ten pages of notes on it.

That's not good.

To put it another way, if you had sent it out as a text file I'd be sending it back 'bout now with tons of revisions and corrections. At least it's not in Zapf Chancery (beautiful font, but a royal pain if you want to do some serious reading).

So re-write, clarify, tighten up. It can be so much better.

BTW, did I mention it needs a re-write?

I can't believe you just wrote that! I thought the writing was superb!?

Would you care to give us an example or two to support your statement!? Objective criticism always carries a lot more weight and I am sure would be far more beneficial.

 

[Mark]

Alan - Please, be more specific in your comments. I'd appreciate the input. I don't mind the "buts" one bit and I think the fact that you liked it overall says a lot considering your background.

Emailing or posting here is just fine. I'm sure people might enjoy following the process. Thanks for the feedback!

 

[mythusmage]

Actually, reading through it again, I think I was having an episode of something or other again.

It's making sense now.

(I don't drink. I don't indulge in recreational pharmacuticals. I hate not having a convenient excuse.)

You do have a habit of writing meandering sentences. I know this because, being the creative type that I am -one who tends to write in a "stream of conciousness" style, and who forgets to go back and organize said thoughts, much to the confusion of the reader- I do it myself.

Go through the original manuscript and where you see a sentence with one or more commas try rewording it as two or more sentences. Will likely mean a longer manuscript, but one that's easier to read.

Now for a formatting nit. I like the borders. I'm sure that if I had a professional printer they'd look better yet. But (another of those horrid "buts"), on the inside pages they really need to be on the outside margins instead of the inside margin. As it is they'd get hidden should one get the booklet bound.

BTW, if you like, you can send me the text file via email and I'll send back my editing hack for your review.

(My mom drilled into my thick skull that when you're in the right you stand up for yourself. When you're in the wrong, you fess up, make up, and get on with life.)

 

[Mark]

Actually, reading through it again, I think I was having an episode of something or other again.

It's making sense now.

(I don't drink. I don't indulge in recreational pharmacuticals. I hate not having a convenient excuse.)

You do have a habit of writing meandering sentences. I know this because, being the creative type that I am -one who tends to write in a "stream of conciousness" style, and who forgets to go back and organize said thoughts, much to the confusion of the reader- I do it myself.

Go through the original manuscript and where you see a sentence with one or more commas try rewording it as two or more sentences. Will likely mean a longer manuscript, but one that's easier to read.

Now for a formatting nit. I like the borders. I'm sure that if I had a professional printer they'd look better yet. But (another of those horrid "buts"), on the inside pages they really need to be on the outside margins instead of the inside margin. As it is they'd get hidden should one get the booklet bound.

BTW, if you like, you can send me the text file via email and I'll send back my editing hack for your review.

(My mom drilled into my thick skull that when you're in the right you stand up for yourself. When you're in the wrong, you fess up, make up, and get on with life.)

It's good advice and thank you for it.

I'll take that advice on the sentences to heart in the next version. You can count on that.

The borders thing is something I kinda shifted because I had envisioned the cover being printed seperate from the pages, or not at all. In that way they'd be on the outside but I've heard the same advice more than once. I may have outsmarted myself on that one.

I'd like to find some time to chat more directly with you soon, if you have the time. Please email me and we'll set something up if that's appealing to you. I'd appreciate it if you have the opportunity to do so.

Thanks again!

 

[Upper_Krust]

Hi Mythusmage!

(My mom drilled into my thick skull that when you're in the right you stand up for yourself. When you're in the wrong, you fess up, make up, and get on with life.)

A wise and intelligent woman!

 

[William Ronald]

Mark,

I gave your my opinion in private, but I would like to say it is a very good product. A little rewriting and you will have it.

A good trick for determining if a sentence seems awkward is to try to say it aloud. In the case of fictional characters, this helps eliminate inappropriate dialogue. It also can give you an idea of how a sentence might seem to someone else.

Keep up the good work.

William

 

[Mark]

Thanks, William! Your input is always welcome and appreciated. I think the comments you've made will help me with future offerings immensely!

UK - My mother always has had similar advice. I just wish I would learn to take it before it needed to be said sometimes.

Alan - I'm working hard to implement some of those suggestions as I finish up the Focus. I did make one change to the Locus - Jalston because of the feedback I have gotten here and via Email. I moved the licensing page to the second page slot, basically to back up the front cover. This adjustment recitifies the printing front to back (and inherent border issues) in a quick and easy way... I hope.

Keep those suggestions coming! It can only help me provide better products in the future!

 

[mythusmage]

A good trick for determining if a sentence seems awkward is to try to say it aloud. In the case of fictional characters, this helps eliminate inappropriate dialogue. It also can give you an idea of how a sentence might seem to someone else.

Good advice. Trouble is, I tend to talk like I write.

 

[Arg-ha Lardgoa]

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Hello, I have tried to download these five times and it always conks out at about 85%. I am on a 56k modem.