Funniest Home Dice Rolls

[Tolen Mar]

Hey! Them's fightin' words!

...

Rather ineffectual fightin' words, granted, but they's them nonetheless!

Yeah? Whatchoo gonna do about it?

*Tolen watches blaster bolts explode to either side of him*

I wish I had stories like this to tell. But lately the only dice I get to roll are virtual. Though I will say that I do have this uncanny knack of rolling below average all night long until I hit the ONE roll I have to have, and then getting 20. (Remember, this is virtual dice via OpenRPG, and I dont know how to fake them, nor will I learn.) It usually happens when everyone else misses their rolls, and the DM has decided I need to take a penalty for trying something oddball. Like having the worst climb skill of the group, yet making it up to the back of a giant turtle like Jackie Chan when everyone else fails. Course the wheel of Karma circles around in full, I usually fail the easy stuff.

 

[Chaldfont]

Last year when we first started playing Eberron we met up with some cultists deep below Sharn. They were sacrificing humans to summon some unspeakable horror by throwing them into a pit. We started fighting and managed to defeat most of the cultists by the time they had thrown three of the four required sacrifices into the bottomless pit.

The shifter barbarian, with that leaping charge feat from the ECS, jumps across the pit to kill the last cultist. He rolls a 1 on his jump check and falls in the pit.

We got the heck outta there as fast as we could. It took us another session to realize the barbarian was carrying the thing were hired to recover when he fell in the pit. We didn't go back.

 

[freebfrost]

This was way back in the 80s when I first starting gaming in high school.

The party cleric was being attacked by a smallish spider. The cleric needed to roll a 2 or better to hit, and was strong enough to kill it in one blow (based on our experience with the spiders assorted and dead brethren in the room). The cleric was also well-decked out in armor and protection, so the spider needed a natural "20" to hit the cleric. And, with his assorted magic items, even if he was hit, the cleric only failed his Paralyzation/Poison/Death save on a natural "1".

The cleric attacks! Rolls a "1" and misses.

The spider attacks! Rolls a "20" and hits.

The cleric rolls his save - gets the "1" and dies.

:\

 

[Tolen Mar]

I do remember one now!

I was playing Toog..He was a half-ogre, during my 2E days. He had been carrying a claymore as it was the only weapon in the book sized for someone of his mass, but he broke it attacking a stone golem. Somewhere during his adventures, he had picked up a soup ladle. It fit in his hand fairly well, with just the metal scoop sticking out over the top. He was satisfied with it as a temporary cudgel.

So anyway, we are exploring a tower, and we are set upon by spiders. These spiders are the size of our halfling, and have blades for feet. (I never found out what creature the DM was using, so I only have the description to go by.) The area we were fighting at had a portal of some sort wherein one of the lesser demon gods or some such was about to come through, and ths spiders were there to hold us up so we couldnt close the portal.

One of the spiders jumped on the female paladin. This was the only character in the group that did not make our half-ogre feel pathetic, and so he had grown rather attached to her. So Toog uses the only weapon he has...the soup ladle. He throws it across the room, I roll a perfect 20 on the to hit (the only 20 rolled all session long), and hits the spider (rolling max damage...I forget what we decided damage was, but I maxed it), knocking it off the paladin, into the portal.

Later, I picked up the soup ladle and named it 'spidermasher.' He was never without it again.

 

[STARP_JVP]

I wish I had stories like this to tell. But lately the only dice I get to roll are virtual. Though I will say that I do have this uncanny knack of rolling below average all night long until I hit the ONE roll I have to have, and then getting 20. (Remember, this is virtual dice via OpenRPG, and I dont know how to fake them, nor will I learn.) It usually happens when everyone else misses their rolls, and the DM has decided I need to take a penalty for trying something oddball. Like having the worst climb skill of the group, yet making it up to the back of a giant turtle like Jackie Chan when everyone else fails. Course the wheel of Karma circles around in full, I usually fail the easy stuff.

Something like that happens to a mate of mine with depressing frequency. He fails saves, spellcraft checks, caster checks, ability checks, skill checks - every time. But the one time he needs to roll well, he does.
Classic example: He and his party, back in the old 2E days, are fighting a Baatezu. It kills two of the PCs, then laughes evilly and dives out the window, which is at the top of a 200 foot tower. My mate, thinking quick, or possibly not thinking at all, declares he is diving after it. He can't fly - he just plummets. My mate then tells the DM he is outstretching his sword, the intent being to land on the Baatezu, in mid flight, and impale it.
The DM decided to ignore the laws of physics for a good laugh, and agreed that such an action was possible. However, if my mate rolled anything other than a natural 20 on his attack, he'd hit the ground and turn into a very large pizza.
My friend rolled. He rolled a natural 20. The sword hit the Baatezu, and the icing on the cake was that he did enough damage to kill it, so it fell to the ground, my mate still clinging onto the sword stuck in it.
When they landed, he pulled out the sword and walked away.

 

[Talgian]

My 20 str unfettered (from Arcana evolved) once rolled a 1 to throw our 35 pound quickling faen over the city wall. Poor little thing left a nasty stain on the wall.

Carry on,
-Talgian

 

[MaxKaladin]

Once I was in a campaign where our party found out about a young dragon in a ruined tower nearby. After much calculating on my part, I determined we could take it if we didn't roll too badly. So, we sneak in and manage to get the drop on it. I give the signal and we start firing spells and missile weapons at it. And we rolled abysmally. I generally picture this as being something like the scene in Man in the Iron Mask where the musketeers charge the, er, other musketeers who open fire creating a cloud of smoke the musketeers emerge from unharmed. That's what happened with the dragon. It was utterly unharmed. Needless to say we ran like frightened little bunny rabbits and, somehow, didn't die horribly (or at all).