Gamers who want to date gamers

[ghettognome]

I had actually resolved never to date a gamer again. All my experiences (as a female gamer) showed me that gamer men were immature and couldn't deal with reality in any normal sense. While that is not a requirement, they were just beyond help in this sense. Jobless and dependent on their SO or family to feed their need. I soon learned after meeting my current BF this is not always the case. It was mostly the people I was associated with.

I met my current BF in the WOTC chatroom. He only lived 2 hours away from me at that time, and so we met. At first he was the typical shovenist about women in his gaming group, but he wasn't the dm. Either way he thought I was really cool and it would be worth a shot. It worked well, and we have been gaming together ever since. We have a lot of differences, but all of our biggest loves are all things we share in common. It has definitely changed my mind on how I viewed male gamers.

 

[hellbender]

One of the most amazing aspects of this thread, to me, is that if you don't think like the herd, you are the idiot. I never said you should or should not date a gamer, just that putting any conditions on a relationship is, in my opinion, is lame. I have gone out with women who game and who do not, but not with any who are opposed. I am not ashamed to game or to tell people that I do and to me, gaming is a group of people telling a story together, not an elitist hobby. Not a geek thing. Some people are beer and pretzels gamers, some people live out their lives on a piece of paper. There are a lot of people in between these extremes. As I have said to death, rpgs are a hobby, like golf (without the cool country club and little carts), where some people are with people not into it, and they get along just fine, accepting the simple fact that people can coexist and not be totally into everything the other person is into.

hellbender

 

[SHARK]

Gamers Dating Gamers

Greetings!

Hey there everyone! In my view, having common interests is pretty crucial for a successful, long-term relationship. Indeed, do opposites succeed? Of course, they can, and they do, but the odds are not great. The stats show in fact that such people end up separating, either before or after marriage, because most of the time, the differences are simply too great.

In any event, its important to look for common interests, as well as for the areas that are different, there can be two types:

(1) One difference type is abrasive, and will be a continuing source of argument, resentment, and conflict.

(2) Another difference type is generally good, in the sense that it isn't an abrasive difference, but a complimentary one. Not all differences are complimentary, needless to say.

In general, though, I think it is good to find someone who shares most of your interests, but has a decent degree of different interests and views.

For example, I have gaming as a hobby. Before I met my wife, for all of my life I have been into wargaming, Chess, Risk, and then D&D. I was also into modelling, and reading history books.

I'm in the process of getting my Masters and PHD in History, and will soon be teaching history in college.

What does that mean? Well, besides being a gamer, and enjoying D&D, I have many, many bookshelves full of books. And books. And more books.

I can only say that if my wife wasn't a gamer also--I taught her to play D&D over 15 years ago when we started dating--our relationship would be, well, diminished. Just as likely if she wasn't into history, like I am, we would have problems, because I talk about history, politics, philosphy, economics, sociology, and psychology all the time. I'm an academic, scholar, and gamer all in one. If she wasn't into these things, well, I like difference, but for me--that would be too different. There wouldn't be much for us to talk about, let alone engage in shared activities.

I see a difference between shared activities, and shared ways of life, worldview, or even hobbies to a degree. For example, I can really enjoy swimming. I love to go swimming. But that doesn't mean that by engaging in swimming, that we are really bonding. I can go swimming with anyone, or by myself. So, general activities like swimming, don't really cut it as being sufficient, if you see what I'm saying.

On the other hand, I can discuss ancient Celtic history with my wife, or the dynamics of early American Westward expansion along the western frontier, or Roman warfare in the age of the republic. Or I can discuss what the best prestige class is with the new D&D supplement, and so on. I can discuss theology, philosophy, and so on, with my wife. Now it is true there are *some* other people that I can discuss these things with, but not many, and not just anybody. This is different I suppose from merely swimming, or hiking, or going to the gym together. They are different. I can't really imagine what life would be like if we didn't share so many hobbies, religion, politics, and so on together. I can say, however, that having shared interests has made our relationship long, happy, interesting, and thoroughly enjoyable. She is, after all, my best friend, and someone who I prefer to share virtually all of my free time with. I don't mind getting away with the guys now and then, but I always love having my wife around.

So, in the end, I think it is a wise attitude to look for a person who shares your passions and interests. Don't be afraid to accept some differences, as they can add spice and dimension to your relationship, and your life, both as an individual, and as a couple. Then, however, it is important to be sure that another person is either fully embracing of your passions and hobbies, or at least cheerfully accepting of them.

As I mentioned earlier, being a scholar is part of my job. I'm also into reading and history as a hobby. If my wife wasn't into reading, and wasn't into history, we wouldn't have as much fun. In addition, if she was one of those kinds of people that doesn't like spending money on books, and doesn't like seeing books all about, or can't stand having bookcases as part of the decoir, then we would not only have problems, but we wouldn't be together.

By that, I mean this: Books are perhaps my lifelong essential hobbies. I also require them for my work. If she couldn't tolerate having lots of books around, then she isn't really *into* me, because books, gaming, history, and music, for example, are all huge parts of who I am, as a person. To reject these things, is, to a large extent, rejecting me.

Common interests are part of the strong foundation for a long, happy, successful relationship.

Semper Fidelis,

SHARK

 

[Arravis]

Let's try to keep this from polarizing into factions. I think we all have "conditions" and "preferences" we place on potential mates. Might be as simple as "opposite gender", "human", or some othe such thing, or specific like "doctor", "red-head", "Lisa Loeb", etc...

Anyway, I do agree that "gamer" should'nt be a condition that HAS to be met, but perhaps it's simply one that is preferred. I think red-heads are sexy... my fiancee is a blonde. That in no way affects how I feel about her. Same thign with gaming.

 

[Doc_Souark]

Let's try to keep this from polarizing into factions. I think we all have "conditions" and "preferences" we place on potential mates. Might be as simple as "opposite gender", "human", or some othe such thing, or specific like "doctor", "red-head", "Lisa Loeb", etc...

Anyway, I do agree that "gamer" should'nt be a condition that HAS to be met, but perhaps it's simply one that is preferred. I think red-heads are sexy... my fiancee is a blonde. That in no way affects how I feel about her. Same thign with gaming.

I think that Human and opposite gender is a given for most of us on this board Arravis. Not that I'm against those that perfer the same gender of course( no need to open that can of worms). Intrests such as "Gamer" is just that an intrest same as rock climbing and celtic music. You need to meet someone that gets you all excited about THEM not what they like to do.

If you meet a born again Buddist that doesn't know D20 from Dali Lama great and if you later get him/her to get into gameing double great ! But first youse got to meet that person so boys and girls leave the computer, the DnD and the play station alone at least for a night and go out and mingle !

As for me I'm old and tired I need all the help I can get lol.

 

[Wayside]

Maybe I move in different circles than you do but I think your opinion of other gamers is a little low. Are you really saying that for every socially successful gamer, there are ten thousand frothing geeks?

Well, I don't remember saying that. If I was drunk it's possible though.

You seem to be glossing: my point isn't that I'm super cool guy and most gamers are insignificant little nerds, it's that I don't have anything in common with most people that game; that no two people necessarily have anything at all in common just because they both play Clue. That is a fact that does not pass judgement on them. 'Weak' is a pretty common word used for such things. I think people who wear business suits, like politicians, are weak. I once told that to a professor who wore suits to his lectures regularly. That's me.

So my lack of common ground with gamers might even include your sexually active socially adept successful friends, though the academics among them, assuming a humanities emphasis, I would either get along with quite well or piss off.

The people at my FLGS have never heard of Ulver; or DNTEL; or Thrice; The Rx Bandits; Jump, Little Children; Cat Power; The Postal Service; The Get Up Kids; Further Seems Forever; or literally a thousand other bands, a few hundred of which I listen to on any given day.

They don't know Drive Thru Records or Vagrant Records (the biggest indie act labels). If they're trendy they maybe go to the Warped Tour to see Blink 182 or Green Day. They listen to KWOD and probably watch MTV.

They can tell me as little about Mei-Mei Berssenbrugge (which I expect) as S. T. Coleridge or Arnold (which I expect them to know). Some of them think they know something about Nietzsche and Freud. That is annoying. They can't tell the difference between Kant and Goethe and Schiller; Butler and Sedgewick and Rich; Derrida and Saussere and Foucault; and Barthes would be just lost on them.

It is unlikely any of them would ever throw Searle at me in an argument over whether artificial intelligence is possible, or what forms of poetry would evolve in a mute community employing signs exclusively, thus substituting proximity to painting and sculpture for proximity to music.

I won't drone on; I think this is sufficient to make my point. If I was spending more time in Berkeley than Sacramento, I might be more into gaming stores. My feeling that I have little in common with most gamers isn't ex nihil though; I spent plenty of time in these places when I was in highschool, and that was only a few years ago. Besides, I have endless other more interesting interests.

I wouldn't expect to entertain bolen with my epileptic understanding of supersymmetry either.

I would suggest that perhaps your problem is that you're confusing people who are gamers with people whose primary identity is their gaming. I would agree that people who primarily define themselves as gamers are more statistically likely to be socially dysfunctional but I have little contact with such people. Instead, I game with people are fun to game with because they have something to bring to gaming from the rest of their lives.

If someone is looking for a specific kind of gamer girlfriend, I think their identity stakes are already overinvested in this particular pasttime. That is just a personal opinion. Date a model, an actress, a piano player, better yet a standup bass player. Extend yourself.

For instance, the friend with whom I game most frequently and I also are known for the parties we put on; every three months, we face the difficult prospect of narrowing down the guest list so that everyone can fit into my friend's house -- our parties are attended by prominent politicians, writers, academics, professionals and businesspeople. People travel for up to 6 hours by ferry to attend the parties we put on and in the summer, when the back patio is useable, we we often see 100 people turn up to our events.

So I take it keg-stands are out?

Our gaming circle varies between about 12-20 people who are all socially high-functioning individuals; by your argument, there must be about 12,000-20,000 gamers in Greater Vancouver and they must all be frothing geeks who are nothing like us. I just don't believe that.

That sounds like a great group. Don't think I've forgotten about the guy who cried bloody murder because he couldn't get his armor on instantaneously though .

Ahh, that phantom argument you think was made. That 1-10,000 ratio was a number you pulled out of your, err, thin air. Why are you trying to attribute it to me?

I very much agree with you that it would be strange for one's set of fellow gamers to be significantly different from an extension of one's circle of friends. But I've never felt the need to do that. I just don't see why you imagine that the gamers you don't know are so completely different from those you do know.

Well, I suppose because I don't think of myself as a gamer, and neither does my group. An FLGS is different than ENWorld though. I come here because there are tons of decent people and I can expect pretty interesting points of view. If ENWorld was a shop around the corner, I'd probably kick it there quite often, maybe even try to get a job parttime.

But surely, if you met someone attractive, you wouldn't immediately find them less attractive if you found they gamed? Would you?

In theory no. I just wouldn't be looking specifically for a gamer girl in the first place. Or looking at all, actually.

Fortunately, hellbender, not one single poster to this thread has suggested that they would only date gamers. This imagined pre-condition to which various people are responding has been stated by no one and supported by no one.

err, that was actually the point of the thread. What hellbender and I are responding to is someone saying "I want a gamer girl," which we find to be a bit off. We're trying to figure out why in the world someone would limit themself to looking specifically for a gamer girl. Insane as I am, I'd even take it a step further and question someone who is specifically looking for a person to have a relationship with period. Are you that uncomfortable by yourself?

Well, I think it's time to make that logical leap from "90% of science fiction is crap" to "90% of everything is crap." (I'm sure given the subculture here that someone will chime in with the author of this quotation.) Most people I meet in school, at work and in politics are not people with whom I would want to spend my time. I'm sure if I actually attended gaming conventions, I'd hold the same opinion of the people who attended those. The fact is that most of us are sufficiently selective that we wouldn't want to date/be friends with 90% of the people we met cold anywhere.

I can't argue with that, although it can be fun to take one of those 90%, if you see something in them, and help them out of their shell.

 

[Wayside]

*nothing to see here*

 

[fusangite]

Wayside displays great erudition...

They can tell me as little about Mei-Mei Berssenbrugge (which I expect) as S. T. Coleridge or Arnold (which I expect them to know).

OK -- keeping up so far...

Some of them think they know something about Nietzsche and Freud. That is annoying.

Ok -- still keeping up, I think (oh no -- maybe I'm one of those people too!)

They can't tell the difference between Kant and Goethe and Schiller;

Falling behind...

Butler and Sedgewick and Rich;

I'm lost...

Derrida and Saussere and Foucault; and Barthes would be just lost on them.

You'd be popular in my circle. Everyone in my circle is focused on early modern, medieval and classical philosophy -- everything around here is pre-enlightenment. You're what we need: a representative of the German school! I was wondering what my crowd was missing and now I know: someone with a good grounding in post-Enlightenment continental thought. The 19th century English poetry we could take or leave...

That sounds like a great group. Don't think I've forgotten about the guy who cried bloody murder because he couldn't get his armor on instantaneously though .

You win. He's actually a case against gamers dating other gamers -- he's in the game because he's dating a popular player; she's the only reason he's tolerated. And my argument collapses around me...

Ahh, that phantom argument you think was made. That 1-10,000 ratio was a number you pulled out of your, err, thin air. Why are you trying to attribute it to me?

That's what you mean when you say 99.99%!

err, that was actually the point of the thread. What hellbender and I are responding to is someone saying "I want a gamer girl," which we find to be a bit off.

Herein lies the problem -- I had assumed that this was a new dating strategy for this individual not that he didn't want a non-gamer.

 

[The Blue Elf]

Your lucky we are not talking about Male to Male Relationships or Female to Female Relationships out some respect of those gamers who are ln love.I don't mind woman playing, because my frist DM was a woman and I respected her because she actually was a good DM.

 

[Silver Moon]

First, why on earth wouldn't a person look for a s.o. who shares their interests and attitudes? My husband & I both like....when we moved in together, we discovered that about 1/3 of our record collections and 1/4 of our book collections overlapped. Now that we've been together for 17 years (married for 14 1/2 of them) our tastes are still similar, and we like that just fine. Actually, I can't imagine spending my life with someone with whom I didn't share interests.

Wow, it's been several days since I last posted to this thread, and the conversation has indeed been interesting. One poster commented about Buttercup's experience being unique. Not so, been married 14 years myself to a gamer with similar interests, including the overlapped record and book collections. My wife and I do have some rather different interests - her hobbies include weaving, spinning and brewing beer, while I am still active with the Boy Scouts, but most of our other hobbies do overlap.

Most of the heated discussion here seems to be about the interpretation of looking for someone who is specifically a gamer. Just broaden that a bit to looking for someone who has similar traits to gamers (i.e. an above average intelligence and overactive imagination, with a bent towards either sci-fi/fantasy or venues of creativity such as music and art) and I think you're onto something that nearly everyone who has posted to this thread might agree with.

Several posters have also said that couple dynamics won't work in a gaming group, but my experience is very different. I started playing in a co-ed group back in college, and we had LOTS of couples over the years. After break-ups sometimes one might leave, but more often than not both would still stick with the game. I was in another group that had 11 players (8 male, 3 female) that included a female player, her then current boyfreind and three of her ex-boyfriends, and there was never any friction between any of them.

And the final point I want to make is that a truly ethical DM would not treat a player any differently, regardless of what their past or current relationship was.