Good laughs. Warning long post.


First Post
Had this stuff on my computer and decided to share it.

You might be a gamer if...

...any of your characters has ever broken a staff of power or a staff
of the magi for a retributive strike

...and lived've ever had your character create bateries for the Laser pistol
in the Robe of Useless Items

List of Famous Last Words
1 (A corridor ahead is full of brown mold)
"I cast Fireball down the hall, then send my fire elemental to

2 "They're only kobolds!"

3 "Why is this man speaking in sign language?"

4 "This type of undead can't drain levels"

5 "I see HOW MANY wights?!"

6 "Don't be silly. If this was really the ship's "Self-Destruct
Button", do you think they'd leave it lying around where anyone
could press it?"

7 "So you're Tiamat, huh? Are you evil? Yes? Would you like to

8 "I cast a lightning bolt at the ochre jelly."

9 "Lightning bolts don't ricochet off stone walls, do they?"

10 "Hubba hubba! The nymph's taking off her clothes!"

11 "You racist! They're elves. So what if they're black?"

12 "Demogorgon."

13 "What?! I thought you said fifTEEN kobolds."

14 "It's only an illusionary red dragon!"

15 "Hey, I'll try to hide in shadows." {Room full of Shadows)

16 Apprentice: "Excuse me sir but, theoretically, what would happen
if someone summoned, oohhh, lets say a major demon
from the 376 level of the Abyss ?"

17 DM:"All of you successfully hit the dragon. It doesn't do anything."
PC:"You mean it doesn't even wake up?"
DM:"Suddenly, from behind you a *living* white dragon..."

18 "Don't worry fellas, it's not a real dragon. It's just a skeleton
of one."

19 "Nah. She's done this to us before. Its just a blue dragon with an
illusion of four other heads."

20 PC :"No captain, there is no-one here, except for the computer speaking."
NPC:"What is it saying ?"
PC :"9 ... 8 ... 7 ..."

21 "What are these three glowing red dots on your chest for?"

22 It's a leap of faith. <hopp> Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

23 "Demogoron? Great! Do you know how many exp he's worth?"

24 PC1: "Shut up! Your just a silver. We wanted to talk to a GOLD
dragon, at least!"
PC2: "Umm, he doesn't look silver, guys."
PC3: "Umm, how many metals look like silver but aren't?"
PC2: "One. Plat..."

...loosing your dice bag would be a serious financial blow. could paper you bathroom in character sheets. could paper your bathroom in different versions of just ONE character. are unable to walk past the latest TSR supplement without leafing through it, even though you know it's going to
be bad. have more entertaining "No-:):):):),-there-I-was-in-a-game" stories than you do anecdotes about your family. talk about your characters as if they are real people. alternate between referring to your characters in the first and the third person.

... and none of your friends gets confused.'ve ever spent a significant fraction of your life modifying game rules that you didn't like... and, as soon as the
system worked to your satisfaction, discarded it.

...when someone says "The blue books," you don't automatically picture the kind that they give you during a college
final exam. worship idols of Gary Gygax in your basement. burn Gary Gygax in effigy in your back yard. will not buy comic books with the Dragon Strike (tm) logo on the back.'ve ever seen the old AD&D tv series.'re still reading this list. hang out with people you actively dislike because they give good role- play.'ve ever gotten into a screaming match over something that happened in a game... (You are so dead! I am not
dead!)'ve ever neglected to buy the new edition of your favourite game because you already have three. have more than one photocopied bootleg of a gaming text. keep old characters around just in case someone might run that system again. (Never mind that its TS: SI)

...You knew what I meant when I said TS:SI. have a PhD in manipulating point systems to the best effect, even though you failed high school geometry. can consume your body weight in junk food in one gaming session. consider Altoids, Salt-&-Vinegar chips, and blue Teeni Hugs a balanced diet. (or even an acceptable combination.) have been known to drive to far away places where you paid enormous amounts of money for the privelege of
sleeping on floors, eating crap, buying little pewter statues of Gandalf, and meeting dozens of psychopathic members of
the alternate (or similar) sex who will follow you around for months, merely for the pleasure of playing with gamers you
don't know.

...and then signed up en masse with all of you friends to play in games with game masters who you've known since high
school. own your own weight in gaming books.

...the owners of local hobby stores take your checks without ID because they know where you live. can do AD&D money conversions in your head. could wallpaper you bedroom in Dragon Mirths (tm). consider the demise of "What's New With Phil & Dixie" a blow to great literature. consider the resurrection of "What's New With Phis & Dixie" the redeeming feature of Magic: The Gathering. consider the 20th century a state of mind. have a random NPC generator, written in BASIC, designed to run on the Trash-80 or the Commodore 64.'ve ever designed your own character sheets. can be more that three NPCs at the same time without generating more than reasonable confusion in your
players. have ever played a Dwarven character who did not have "axe" or "beard" ANYWHERE in his or her name. know how to sex dwarves. (chromosome typing- required a blood sample. I'M not getting it...)'ve ever tried to explain gaming to a school counselor, parent, or other PW/OC (Person With/Out Clue).'ve suceeded.'ve played Talisman more than once.'ve finished a game of Talisman.

...more than once.'re STILL reading this list. can quote extensively from the Wandering Damage Tables.'ve mistaken a d12 or a double d10 for a d20 while playing AD&D and had a THAC0 low enough to hit the 8HD
monster, anyway... understood that. carry AD&D insurance.

...your AC is so low that even you can't hit yourself. 87 point Balrog is no big thrill anymore.

... you bring your dicebag even to diceless roleplaying events.'ve ever discovered, after gaming with your significant other, that you like their character better than you do them. have friends or acquaintances who regularly refer to you as "Og." (Or something similar.)'ve ceased responding to your birth name. spend more money on dice than on food. sometimes forget what century this is.

...your first response to any frustrating situation is, "I bash it with my axe." know a lot of gaming jokes that used to be funny once.

...your friend(s) who does not game feels very left out of all of your conversations. have more gaming books than the local hobby store.'ve discovered that spare dice make good beanbag filler. knew that that last question was a ringer: who has more dice than they can use?

... you have a copy of "Dark Dungeons" kicking around somewhere because a: you thought it was funny b: your parents
got concerned that you were living in a fantasy realm.'re sortof dissapointed that you haven't reached the level where they start teaching you the real spells (as
described in the above "Dark Dungeons" pamphlet) yet: You're sure you must be a high enough level.'ve been gaming for more than half of your life. still laugh when someone says "Hey, Dave, I think the barbarian in the corner wants another beer."

...the phrase "Collect Call of Cthulhu" brings back fond memories. can quote the whole "Trolls! Mutants! Trolls! Mutants!" strip from "what's New With Phil & Dixie." knew a female gamer once. were a female gamer once. tend to play characters as different from you in race, religion, sex, sexual orientation, and what have you as
possible, just to confuse your friends.

...(For New Englanders only) You were able to find stuff at "Flock, Stock, and Barrel."'ve been known to have in-depth conversations about the relative merits of Champions, V&V, Marvel, and DC
heroes... ignoring the fact that all superhero systems are intrinsically sucky. like one of the above systems enough that you yelped when I called them all, "sucky."'ve thought of four or five additions to this list. actually bought TSR's "Dungeoneer's Survival Guide" when it first came out.'ve ever tried to discover the strengths and weaknesses of a haemophiliac werewolf.

...someone is attempting to explain the floorplan of a building to you and you immediately start thinking in terms of
10X10 squares.

...or 6'x6' hexes.

...your first though upon walking into a friend's domicile is to reflect on where you'd put the machine-gun nest.

From: (Jay Knioum)
Subject: Re: You might be a gamer if...
Date: 18 Apr 1995 04:45 CDT

Everything you see, hear, or taste translates into some form
of stats for a game. ("Wow! That move was cool...that means he's got Swing S

On the same note: and your friends have spent a screening of "The Crow" assigning vampire clans to the various characters. actually wear that little ankh that comes in the Vampire Live-Action everyday life.'ve ever gotten wierd looks from other customers at places like Denny's or IHOP because of the nature of your

..a friend of yours screws something up and you respond with, "looks like you failed your _________ roll."'ve actually paid to have custom fangs made. wear these fangs in everyday life (not to mention Renaissance festivals).'ve ever argued against a combat rule based on your experience in the SCA/Military/Police, etc. have a dozen things in mind for when you come across a magic lamp.

From: (Kevin Mowery)

Matociquala ( wrote:

See what I mean? If anyone has any further additions to this monster, send 'em
along. If I get enough....

There may be a whole new other list happening...

I reserve the right to edit for clarity.....

Okay, how about these?

- when you talk about the "good old days" you mean when games cost $12 and came with their own dice.

- If you played a different game every night, you'd need a fifty-day week to use your RPG collection to its full extent.

- The six-siders in your dice bag have been worn down to the point that they look like 20-siders.

- your car and/or home is falling apart, you're wearing the same clothes you wore in the 1980's, and you miss meals
regularly, but you've got the money in the bank for the next year's worth of <insert favorite game company>'s products.

- If your computer broke down, your biggest worry is how you'd print out your character sheets.

- you can cite the differences between "official" Star Trek, and FASA Star Trek, and Star Fleet Battles.

- your character has more close friends than you do.

- you have more Star Frontiers modules than you have close friends.

- you could write a biography of your character easier than you could write your own autobiography.

- you think that such a biography WOULD BE an autobiography.

- you can't find your favorite shirt, but you know where all the dice that came with your first D&D set are.

- you remember when games gave you tips on "inking" dice with crayon.

- you can give no fewer than six different speeches on "what is roleplaying?", verbatim, from the introductions to
different games.

- you've bought a game even though you didn't like the genre or the rules, so that you could fix the rules and convert
them to a different genre.

- you've looked into how much it would cost to build a castle

- there is virtually no game that you can't name the genre, company, or country of origin for (Hunter Planet, anyone?).

- your most important criteria for a mate is that they're a gamer, too.

- you're a hetero male and you've considered changing orientation just to find a mate to meet that criterion (that's a
word, right?).

- you've ever written a speech for your character to make just in case he should find himself in such a situation.

- you remember when all games referred to characters as "he".

* Your idea of a fun Friday night consists of getting the gang together and playing for eight or more hours.

* The only reason you want a lake cabin is so you and the gang can go up there and play non-stop all weekend without
any distractions.

* You finally get to the point where you look at everything on the shelves and say "*I* can do a better job than these

* You actually get a chance to do just that.

* ...and you succeed!

* Everything you see, hear, or taste translates into some form of stats for a game. ("Wow! That move was cool...that
means he's got Swing Sword +20 and Look Cool In Armor +15.")

* You write a parody of the RPG industry, and it's also a game.

* ...and one of the companies you slam picks it up for its "Mature" imprint and distributes it gleefully.

* You go into business as a consultant on the RPG industry.

* ...and you actually are *hired*! (Neener-neener!)

* You branch out from RPGs into the stuff that game was derived from so you make better sense of the bloody thing.
(Gamers-turned-Otaku, Gamers-turned-occultists, Gamers-turned-goths, Gamers-turned-military personel,
Gamers-turned-martial artists, etc.)

* ...and you *still* don't stop playing! (Loyal man! I like you!)

* You remember when there was none of this "no exclusively (fe)male viewpoint" bull:):):):).

· ...or when there was none of this "no cussing" crap either.

* You make up songs like "Livin in the Kaer" and "Fun Fun Fun (Till the Horror took her Free Will Away)"

* You've written character histories that are longer than most novels...

* ...For Paranoia Characters.

* You Watch war documentaries with GURPS Vehicles so you can tell how much damage the 4-inch Naval Gun using an APX shell does.

* You spend five hours converting Modern Aircraft, when you run a fantasy campaign.

* You can quote the exact chance of a 1st-level Mage defeating an Umber hulk from memory, though a Voydanoi takes a little work.

* You break your leg, but insist on using a 'Recovery Test' before calling the ambulance.

* You have a list of what all the potions taste like.

* Your resume descrivbes you as a '5th-Level Civil Engineer'

* Drac's Raving at you.

* You've figured out that the Average AD&D Great Wyrm Red Dragon has 7 cubic feet of treasure.

* You Demand Experience points after winning a fistfight.

* You have a nickname that makes no sense because one of your characters had it.

* You Buy Dragon Magazine "For the Articles."

* You Worship TSR.

* You Detest T$R.

* You've ever constructed yourself as a character.

* You've got more tables than all the restaurants in town.

* You know how to use dice as weapons.

* You use phrases like 'Save vs. Graduation or go insane for 1d4 days.'

* You know how many hit points every member of your family has.

* You know that you can fit 20 d4's together to make a large d20 because you've actually tried it.

* You are not cleared for this information.

· You're up until 5:30 in the morning posting to

You know what the following names originally stood for:
(easy) SPI, SJG
(med.) FBI, FGU
(hard) TSR, FASA

You know the following acronyms (feel free to append, and credit the game)
Hero's 1d6 AF NND AE w/14- act

--- You own a copy of "Metamorphosis Alpha." spend hours poring through this newsgroup, but just can't find the
time to read Book IX of Paradise Lost for your Milton class tomorrow.


From: (Michael Bauser)
Subject: Re: You might be a gamer if...
Date: Thu, 20 Apr 95 19:11:08 EDT

In article <> (Astrid Tops) writes:

>- you own Dragon magazines below number 100

Gorsh, is that all it takes nowadays?

--Your subscription copy of Dragon shows up in the mail one month, and you realize it's the hundredth consecutive issue you've bought. (In my case, it was

--You own consecutive issues farther back than that.

--You've read every issue from 55 on up.

--You're still looking for the rest.

--You've almost hit this point with Polyhedron.

--You remember when White Dwarf was an AD&D magazine.

--You bought a copy of the French-language edition of Dragon, even though you can't read French, because it had Second Edition rules for the Anti-Paladin
class, and even though you don't like the class, you know that having that issue will really annoy the Anti-Paladin fans in your gaming club.

And for a completely non-magazine one....

Game dealers at Gencon recognize you and know your name, even though it's your first time at Gencon.

Michael Bauser
"It's participant observation. Honest!"

From: Vermithrax

* You collect things shaped liked dice or with dice in them (drink stirrers, pens with dice-in-water in the end, brass dice sets, dice bookends...)

* You still have a set of dice-shaped cushions made as a gesture of understanding by your mom

* When you finally settle down with a loved one and build a home, you insist on designing a Gaming Room into the house

* And getting the stamped concrete patio/pergola/driveway done in hexagons

* You own "Intoduction to Traveller"

* Or the Traveller Supplement "Forms and Charts"

* You know which number Supplement that last one was

* You know which Sci-Fi novel series was the inspiration for Traveller's Imperium

* You don't just have maps of places that don't exist - you've had at least one of them made into a Globe

* You collect building plans (viewed from above) to use as Site Maps for games

* You have examples of weapons from your games in the house - "so the players can't argue about how heavy/long/clumsy/etc they are..."

* (For the [mostly] male gamers) You meet couples through your spouse/partner and form only a casual acquaintance with the half of the pair of the same
gender as yourself - until one day, after months/years of having known them, one of you drops some gaming reference like "looks like a kobold" or "don't
mind me - I've got a 12-point hide" (the more obscure the better) - and suddenly you're best of mates, and they seem to have value as a person now

* While you have a number of friends, only Gamers reach the status of Mates

* You buy CDs of specific music (or sounds) just to use as background atmosphere for gaming

* You've ever found yourself associating with people who you'd otherwise avoid in public - because they were Gamers

* You have a place where the paraphernalia of your gaming youth is displayed for the curious as a sort of shrine to "the good old days"

* You have three or more dice-boxes (one in use, the others retired, holding seldom-used (or antique, faithful) dice, or doing duty on the Gaming Shrine

* You can remember where at least three Gaming shops USED to be located in your town/city, before they moved, were demolished or disappeared

* You whoop with joy on rolling a 20 for hit location with a Gauss Rifle on your first hit on an opponent

* You know which game that must be in

* You know the TWO meanings of the term "AC20"

* You keep custom clipboards (or similar contrivances) in the house for your gaming pals to keep their character sheets on when they come over

* Your memories of the best times your character(s) had when living their game-lives are sweeter and more worth retelling than the best times you had in
your actual youth (partially because you were too busy gaming - and writing rules expansions you hardly used - to get out and have a life)

* You've ever written to a game designer personally

* They replied!

* You've phoned a game designer to chat about a game of theirs and where it's going

* It's a game they haven't even released yet

* From your computer, where you are now, you can look around and see most or all of your gaming gear

* You own a pin-on badge that says "Incoming Fire Has The Right Of Way"

* You still have the original three-booklet set of Traveller

* AND the box it came in

* OR the booklet-form of D&D (before the hardbound version hit the streets)

* You feel that Gaming has played a part in your developing a personal philosophy

* Your life-philosophy manifests as your taking Gaming seriously while taking most of the rest of life light-heartedly - the complete opposite to the way most
of society seems to work

* Your spouse/partner agrees with the rest of society and wishes you would take life as seriously as you do Gaming

* You have a feeling that God is a big Gamemaster, we're all just Characters, and Life, viewed from the outside, is a Game after all

From: "James H. Jenkins"

- You've submitted to this list.

- And got your submission accepted!

- You get $30.00 in a surprise windfall, and don't drink it, but instead spend it on that supplement that you noted was at the local store.

- If you purposely stashed the supplement behind/near/out of its normal place so that nobody else buys it out from under you.

- You've moved the above back to your special hiding spot after store personnel reshelve it.

- You've thought about designing a game, and actually wrote more than 20 or so pages.

- and self-published it!

- All of oyur friends say, "You should start a game company."

- You do, and they end up working for you, until they leave to start their own.

- You find yourself teaching new players the ropes so often, you now have a down-pat speech, readily translatable to any game system for newcomers.

- You have no non-gamer friends, or you limit contact with such people.

- When describing a game scenario with your pals, you get real excited, waving your arms, drawing a crowd. Phrases like, "Man, we %^&*$%^ wasted 'em!
Took out the tank with an RPG, then L-T was rocking out on the '60..." everything goes fine, as the crowd draws near, wanting to hear more, until you say,
"Then I took a round, BLAM! 45 H.P." And the crowd leaves, saying, "Oh, it was ONLY A GAME."


- You don't think anything is wrong with the previous statement.

- You use issues of Guns & Ammo for the tech specs on your latest weapon supplement you're adding to your game.

- You know the BattleTech Hit location charts from memory, so that you don't need to use 'em anymore.

- In fact, you know 'em so well, THE GROUP doesn't use 'em any more, THEY USE YOU.

- When someone asks you, "Level Three fall, what's the piloting skill mod?", you know what they mean.

- You, reading this, know what it means.

- You not only know what it means, but can yell out what page it is on.

- And you're correct!

- And you get mad when somebody checks up on you, to see if it was the right page!

- When you search the internet nightly for cool gaming software for your PC.

- and you found this list by doing that! (Like I did.)

- and you add to this list, to keep the spirit of gaming alive! (Like I did!)

- You've learned more about space, and science fiction from playing traveller, rather than watching COSMOS by Carl Sagan, like everybody else.

- You're in the military, and the best tactics you've got came from your pre-military gaming days (or they improve daily, in continuing nightly sessions at the

- You know more military tactics and strategy than most officers at your military post.

- ...Than ALL of the officers at your local military post.


- You know more than three definitions of the acronym RPG.

- You were around when SPI was.

- You KNOW what SPI was.

- You still have some of their games around.

- You know what AH stands for, and have copies of any of the following: U-BOAT, MIDWAY, GETTYSBURG.

- ... and they're less than 10 years older than you are.

- You were around when the only games out were CHAINMAIL, METAMORPHOSIS ALPHA, GAMMA WORLD 1st ed., and TRAVELLER.

- and you bought 'em, cause they were "What the cool grown-up college kids were playing."

- And you still have 'em.


- You remained loyal thorough the right-wing religious anti-gaming crusade.

- You know what to say (delicately, without sloppy missionary fervor) when someone says, "Oh, you don't play that "Dungeoens & Dragons thing, DO

- You know the real tragic truth about Dallas Egbert.

- ...and you learned it by reading the book on it, "The Dungeon Master." (Required reading, IMHO, for all DM's, and players, BTW.)

- You'd rather game that visit your boy/girlfriend.

- ...That's how you met them.

- And then got married. (It didn't work for me. Your mileage may differ.)

- And got divorced, OVER GAMES! (Like me. She was fantasy, I was Sci Fi/Military.)

- You see a car crash, or accident on T.V., and scream, "Oooh, CRIT!"

- You've said, "Roll initiative" more times than you've sung your countries' national anthem.

- You tried gaming outside, for that "Natural, Woodland Atmosphere." Ahhh.

- Until you found out the hard way about the ^&#%^&* WIND, when it blew all of your maps/character sheets away.

- ...and you felt that they were so irreplaceable, you chased after them, tripped on a root, fell, and split open your knee.

- ... while your friends were yelling stuff like, "Cleric, bind wounds! Cure Light! Etc."

- and you thought it was so funny you peed all over yourself laughing.

- You're STILL reading this list!

- You're REALLY thinking of adding to this list, now.

- You've actually played a halfling, but kept telling everybody you were a "Hobbit."

- You read the issue of Phil & Dixie, about, "Hey, the phone is circular-metal-banding!"

- and you thought it was funny.

- And you know what I'm writing about.

- and you're remembering it now, and how funny it was.

- You realize that this list is a common bond, among all gamers, of all races, in all countries, and that the Internet is just amazing, and that now, games will
only get even better.

- And you're looking forward to that. (poignant, emotional sniff.)

Date: Sun, 11 May 1997 17:41:35 -0500 (CDT) From: Mellissa Wright To: Subject: You might be a gamer if . . .

You might be a gamer if . . .

. . . You think that that the D&D progression is Basic, Expert, Advanced.


Milk & Cookies, ---> Irish a.k.a. Mellissa Wright

From Fri Jul 11 09:27:46 1997 Date: Fri, 11 Jul 1997 00:15:54 -0700 From: Williams To: Subject: you might be a
gamer if...

...after your GM sort of explains what thet monster looks like you know your exact roll needed to hit and how much damage it can take know how to roll the dice to get any number you want don't need any gaming books because you have every detail memorized

...but you always keep two copies handy just in case keep up with your character's kingdom's politics more carefully than your own country's scream in pain whenever your character takes damage know all the exact somatic and verbal components of you wizard's spells keep a copy of your character in your wallet

...your GM thinks you live in his house

...your GM thinks your married to him

...your characer has killed more than one Tarrasque get your friends and your character's friends mixed up

...after a fistfight you search whoever you knocked out've ever played your defiler in the Tank Girl R.P.G.'ve ever played the Tank Girl R.P.G. were highly offended by that last comment've played The Wizard's Challenge more than once created a random die generator in DOS using BASIC commands

...any of your characters has ever broken a staff of power or a staff of the magi for a retributive strike

...and lived changed your name so that your initials read R.P.G. ever started a character as evil missed the O.J. Simpson trial because you were on this really long adventure of your wizards has ever roasted another person's characer with a fireball, then commented, "Hey, he was a dwarf. He didn't need that extra
constitution point anyway've ever had a character named Rath or Delsenora've ever played as the player and the GM because noone was around to play with own the Japaneese version of any of the Final Fantasy series read the entire Encyclopedia Magica set know what a claymore is and what it looks like

...your characer has created more spells than TSR have the BATTLESYSTEM rules memorized have the BATTLESYSTEM rules have the SPELLJAMMER rules memorized have the SPELLJAMMER rules have the Players Option rules memorized have had more than one paladin character wonder why I didn't just write: you have the Players Options rules understand the Rift alignment rules and actually use them

complements of Chas Williams

From: Trevor Salyzyn

You might be a gamer if...'ve named EVERY one of your dice. remember all their names. realized that there ain't that many names in the world.

...when people talk about AC Adaptors, you misinterpret the meaning.

...It need to budget your money in gaming sessions.

...The constant squinting and reading during gaming sessions has made you permanantely nearsighted.


You might be a gamer if...

You've ever spent more time in a single gaming session than a Jerry Lewis Marathon.

You do this regularly.

You've ever taught your children to read using your game books.

Your collection of gaming books are worth more to you than your car.

Your House

Your Firstborn child

Your learned about sex during your gaming sessions.

You see every monster or person in every movie you see and think of it in game terms.

You've screamed at the TV "Hey, He can't do that, he didn't have the right material components.

You've ever had your character create bateries for the Laser pistol in the Robe of Useless Items

From: ben

If you refuse to be assimilated by Wizards of the Coast, but might be a real gamer!!!!

Tom Gilman

things you dont want to hear your apprentice say

1. "Does Enlarge work on a Sphere of Annihilation?"

Michael Sandy

2. "You wouldn't mind if I took the carpet for a trip over a weekend, would you?"

3. "Was that rune inscribed on the cage important?"

4. "Want some help?"

5. "Could you come down here? I mean, _now_?"

Jason D Corley

6. Quick !! How does one _unsummon_ a demon lord ?

7. I wonder what this wand does ? <as he waves it around>

8. Remember that demon that you _had_ imprisoned down in the cellar ? Well....

9. Oooops !!

10. Was I supposed to light the candles around the pentagram ?

Jose L. Martinez

11. "You mean those sticks (read wands) in the corner weren't kindling?"

12. "I finally shot that owl that's been folowing you around!"


14. "By the way, what's the reverse of "summon"?"

15. "That fire wand only had 25 charges left on it!"

16. "How do you you control something once it gets out of the pentagram?"

Karl Jacobs

17. "The warding circle for this demon wasn't continuous before, was it?"

18. "What happens if I mix these two potions together?"

19. "So this wand fires a fireball if I point it at something and say

Braxat'?" (Boom!)

20. "How was I supposed to know she was a succubus?" =)

21. "You wouldn't happen to have a banishment spell memorized... Oh, no


The Grim Reaper

22. "Oh-oh."

23. "Did I err?"

Sea Wasp

24. "But you didn't tell me that I COULDN'T do that!"

25. "Hey, I bet I can do that better than you can!"

26. "Study?!? I'm too good for that?"

27. "When do I get to make things go BOOOOOMM?"

28. "Oh, that component was worth THAT much?"

29. "Work? Why? I summoned your demon to do it!

... Of course I had to erase the pentagram!

What do you think I am, an idiot?"

30. "But this was supposed to be foolproof!"

31. "I don't understand!!"

32. "I thought you said "Cone of Cold" not "Coin of Gold"!"

33. "Hey, just who do you think you are, my teacher?"

Paul Higday

34. What kind of glue do you use to fix a DragonOrb?

35. Master, I kind of forgot to feed your familiar.

36. Those books with the blue binders do burn!


37. "Uhh.. you know that nubile virgin you bought in last night? Well,

we started talking and.. uhh.. one thing led to another...."

38. "Hey look, Master! I saw this nice globe of crystal lying around, so I

cut off the top and now I can keep Mambo, my goldfish, in it!"

39. "What's in this bottle? * POP * Uhh... oh-oh..."

40. "Sorry about that, Master. I promise I won't wave your wand around

again. Hmm.. what's this frog doing here?"

41. "Master, is this pronounced 'HAStur HAStur HAStur' or 'HasTUR HasTUR HasTUR'?'

42. "Ribbit."

He-Who-Posts-Fro (Spring Heeled Jack!!!)

43. "Oh, I threw it away."

44. "What's this scroll that says...Wish...on it do?"

45. "Catch!"

46. "This weird guy with horns and stuff came looking for you. He

asked if Razzlefratz was there. I told him no, your name was

Durkin. That seemed to make him really happy."

47. " might not want to go in the basement."

48. "Hey, where did I put the top to this Decanter of Endless Water?"

49. "Remember how you told me not to lie anymore? Well, Elminster

stopped by to say hello. I told him you said he was a talentless

bag of wind. He wants to meet you tomorrow at the Blasted Lands."

50. "Was that your Staff of Power? That end table in the den needed

a new leg, and you _told_ me to fix it..."

51. "I wish you'd tell me how this Luck Blade worked!"


52. "Psst, Master... I forgot to mention that my cloak dragged off some

chalk on the five-pointed star that Orcus is standing in now..."

53. "Did you ever wonder what black cats tasted like? * BURP *"

54. "You know, this Erhdolt's Endurable Eraser really works! That book

over there only needed a few rubs of it before all the writing was gone."

55. "Sir, you will be pleased with what I have just done. I have sent

all those old and dusty tomes to the recycling center!"

56. "Master, was that by any chance a Reverse Gravity scroll you left lying

around in your alchemical lab?"

57. "But Master, I did my best to make you invisible during the parade!

How would I know it would just affect your robes?"

He-Who-Posts-Fro (Spring-Heeled-JACK!)

58. "Uh, Master, why was this mirror lying face-down on your table? Master?

Master? Gee, where'd he go?" (scratches head)

59. "Hey, Master, guess what? I tidied up your scrolls. Yeah, I put

them all in this bag I found in your closet!" (Bag (of Devouring) burps.)

60. "Master, uh, you know your alchemy lab? How much do you suppose it

would cost to get a new one?"

61. "Master, what's the command to make the magic carpet go back down?

You don't know? Uh, will you be needing your familiar any time soon?"

62. "Oh, THAT was your familiar?"

Chris Meadows

63. "Okay, I put the fire resistence potions in the red bottles, and

the cold resistence potions in the blue. Or was it the other way

around." (While facing a Dragon, of course)

64. "I thought this spell required a 5-sided star..."

65. "Okay, I put the glyph of paralyzation on the foyer door and the

fire trap on the library door. Then I set up the guards and wards

spell, Then the Maze spell."

66. "The top of this iron bottle seems to be stuck..."

67. "I had the Unseen Servant put the bags of holding in the portable hole."

68. "There is an Undead Anti-Paladin to see you sir..."

69. "There was a tiny pesky flying lizard around here, but I put out poisoned meat for it..."

Michael Sandy

70. "You mean the meat on the table was.. ahem. Sir, please stick your last

finger in your mouth..."

71. "Uhh.. I seem to have forgotten to bring the Manual of Mighty and

Marvelous Magic on our voyage, Master. Will the Guide to Growing Great

Geraniums do as well?"

72. "Swallow goldfish? ALIVE?"

73. "Uhh.. Master, sorry to disturb your scroll-writing. You wouldn't possibly

have seen my bottle of invisible-ink, would you?"


76. "Did you ever wonder why so few wizards know the 'erase' spell, Master?"

77. "How was I to know that Summon Swarm could call up bookworms???"

78. "I managed to learn the Levitate spell, Sir. Now, without looking down,

could you tell me how to control it?"

79. "Did the scare spell work, Master? Hmm.. you're kind of pale..."
80. "I shall make sure that my shocking grasp is dissipated before touching
Master.. I shall make sure that my shocking grasp is dissipated before
touching Master.. I shall make sure..."
81. "Uhh.. sorry for falling asleep, Master. Now, could you do that spell
ONE more time?"
82. "Well, Master, I finally managed to learn the enlarge spell. Now, could
you tell me how one gets rid of a 50' long rat?"

83. Master, what should I wish for?
84. Where does a teleported spellbook go?
85. Hey...where'd the left tower go?
Mike Marcelais

86. Smell something you said? smoke? Nah,theres no smell of smoke here.
No need for you to go ito the basement either. he he he. I'll just
go downstairs with this wand of fire extinguishing for, you know, target
87. Riddeeeep! Riddeeeep! Riddeeeep!* (*HEEEEEELLLLLLPPPP!)
88. Excuse me sir but, theoretically, what would happen if someone summoned,
ohhh, lets say a major demon from the 376 level of the Abys?
89. With this body in my possesion I shall now rule the world!! HAHAHAHHA!
90. Ah sir? You know that elemental you had in your control?
91. I was wondering sir, whats the bestway to stop a charging dragon?
Don Shaffer

92. Dang, just woke up all 8 red dragons and the exits on the other side of
the lair, sure wish my master was here (while playing with ring he just
picked up).
craig sivils

93. [someone's at the door:] "No, he's been alone in his room with that
fancy sword for a few days now... Sure, I'll go get him for you!"
Abdiel dks@acpub.duke

94. "Master, I seem to have finally perfected my taunt spell. By the way,
the Duke is at the front gates with his elite guard. Could you please
explain this to him?"
95. "But we are all out of candles. I used lanterns to surround the pentacle
96. "Master, watch out for the pit I just covered with my Phantasmal Force!"
Bret Indrelee

97. You didn't have a familiar, did you?
98. That vial of mead you were makeing tasted REALLY good!
99. Why did the writing on that book disappear while I was reading it?
100. Hey look! These Dragon scales make a really neat jacket!

101. "What happens if I read the Meteor Swarm from this scroll and points at you?"

102. "WHAT pentagram???"
103. "Sorry about the bookworms, boss."
104. "Oh, that potion! Nope, never saw it."
105. "Next time, I'll make sure to point that wand the other way."
106. "It's just coffee. A little soap, some warm water, a clean rag and
that scroll will be as good as new!"
107. "That nice wizard from across town paid me 2000 gp to deliver this box
to you. It must be some kind of clock!"
108. "Don't feel bad, boss. At least the OTHER demon didn't break free!"
109. "That moldy old cloak? I sold it to some peddler for a few coppers."
110. "Gee, boss, you kinda remind me of that other wizard, ah,
what's-his-name, -Gargamel!"
111. "I tried to stop him, boss, but he got away from me and headed straight
for your bookcase!"
112. "Well, your familiar and I got to discussin' politics, and dern if he
did'nt say a few things that got my dander up."
113. "Staff? I thought it was leftover firewood!"
114. "Hey boss, did you hear this one? There was a farmer's daughter, 3 stone
giants and a rod of many things..."
115. "A short guy from that guild downtown stopped by to borrow a cup of
flour, he said. When I turned around, he was gone!...
...along with most of your spellbooks!"
116. "That damned Earth elemental just wouldn't take no for an answer, would
he boss?
117. "The witch across the street that likes you, she left a few messages on
your crystal ball. I only read the first 12 or so..."
118. " 'Get me some water?' I thought you said 'I want belladonna!' "
119. "These spell components sure make a mean stew!"
Jason D Corley

120. " no, you go first... I went first last time "
Andrew Jameson

121. "Please Master, allow me to light your smoking pipe
with my Burning Hand spell." FOOOOMP ! "I'm sure
you eyebrows will grow again sir !!"
122. "Listen, this scroll says 'To set up a permanent time-stop
field for as far as the eye can see, just say the word
Bidlebedee.' Hmm ! Do you think it'll work ? ... Master
I'm talking to you. ... Master ? .... Master ? ..."
123. "Master, you are gonna laugh when you here dis ... I wuz
practicing Fireball in da library and guess what ?! ... It
woiked !!"
124. "I'm so sorry Master, but I couldn't find any garlic, and
I thought maybe broccoli would scare the vampire just as well !"
125. "ALAS, MASTER !! I've finally done it! I've created Universal Solvent.
... 'cept it seems to be 'eating' right through the earth and I
don't know how to neutralize it."
126. "Imagine that ! ha, ha ! Mistaking a potion of Irreversible Aging
for salad dressing. ha, ha ! You know ... white hair looks good
on you, sir !"
127. "You _did_ write a will, didn't you Master ??"
128. "Hey Master, listen to this neat spell: 'As you read this spell of
Speech Impediment, you and all those around you will gladually
begome unabelled to gomunigate in da unbestanbable wanblage tan
bill bespeek uddel nonblends wabba dabba yabba ...."
Jose L. Martinez

129. you wouldn't believe the deal I got on all those scraps of paper you
kept up there in the chest...
130. Ummm, I think the dog I bought didn't like your cat that much but don't
worry, I told him not to do that to the next one you get...

131. "Master, I swear the king has _noooo_ sense of humor !
When I told him all the jokes you've been telling about
him, he didn't laugh at all !!"
132. "Sir, how come you didn't tell me the lock on your safe
was broken ? That little guy you hired couldn't get it
opened, so he took it back to town to work on it."
133. "Listen, when you said you were expecting a familiar to show
up, I thought you meant your cousin Sigmund from the West. How
was I supposed to know you were expecting a chicken ?! ...
I say let's forget about it and make the best of a bad
situation ... do you want the leg or the breast ?"
134. "You, stupid peasants !! Either you obey my master or he'll
turn all of you into toads !! YEAH !!! You think that just
because you brought four paladins with you that he's scared ?!
NO WAY !! And as soon as he gets out of the bathroom he'll
teach all of you a lesson !"
135. "So you are out of live spiders, huh ? How about selling me
some cockroaches ? My master is so old I don't think he'll
be able to tell the difference."
136. "Hey master, let me show you this neat trick ... Pick a card
from this Deck ... any card !"
137. <absolute silence, hour after hour after hour> .....
"AAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGG !!!! You damned apprentice !! I know
you are up to something. I can hear your breathing !!!!!!!
Where are you ?? Say something !!!! You're driving me CRAAAAZY !"
Moral: Sometimes a silent apprentice is more terrifying than
an apprentice than open his mouth without thinking. :)
Jose L. Martinez

138. "Boy, that broom I animated really got out of control, but don't worry,
I took an axe and chopped it up into a million pieces."

Mike Williams

139. "I was just in the library Master and was wondering, do you have a
Xerox machine ?"
140. "Hey, I just learnt the magic missile spell Master. Pretty accurate
'aint it. I'll be back later...just going down to the pub for a game of
Nathan Clarke

141. "Master, I messing around with some charcoal, sulfur, and potassium
nitrate in your lab, and I guess it got too close to the fire..."
142. "Master, I have an IMPORTANT safety tip for you..."
143. "So I mixed the glycerine, nitric acid, and sulphuric acid together in
that pot that was hanging over the fire in your library..."
144. "Hypothetically, what would happen if Fluffy was at the bottom of a
portable hole when the spell expired?"
145. "Remember how you wanted me to practice my Magic Missile spell? Well,
I saw that black cat which keeps hanging around here..."
146. "You do have backup copies of your spellbooks, right?"
Chris Spencer

147. "Please tell me another. Plleeeeaaaasssee. Oh please master. I just love
your stories. Oh goodie thank you. Wow that apprenctice sounds real
funny and ... what that sounds like something I did . Now wait a
minute I did the same thing. And the master did what to the the
apprentice. If I was that apprentice I woul... "
[bright light floods the room as the Apprentice explodes.]
David Chase

148. "I didnt mean to hit you with that web spell, boss. Let me help......
darned web.....I know! I'll BURN it off!"
149. "Hey boss! Look what I found under your bed - the Fabled Bloodstone
Pendant! Finders - Keepers!"
150. "Uh boss, the Emperor is at the door with an army of guards...looks like
he's holding that pair of boots you made for him..."
151. "The witch across the street stopped by again, boss. She says if you dont
take her to the Necromancers Ball she'll turn you into a DRESS and WEAR
you there!"
Phillip J. Geer (pjgeer@rodan.acs.syr.EDU)

152. Well I wanted to find out if it's true that cats always land on their
153. We have to do this ritual on a full moon?? I go all funny on a fu....
154. Cauldron?? I thought it was the soup!!
155. Want a game of cards here? I'll deal you five..... (DoMT)

156. Lookit!! My own personal pit fiend!!!

157. Priest: :):):):), its a dead-end.
Acolyte: Can you resurrect it, Master?
John M Kewley (

Good Idea/Bad Idea in RPGs:

Good idea:
Asking the thief to check out the passage ahead of you for traps.

Bad idea:
Insulting the thief and then asking him if the passage ahead of you is trapped.
Good idea:
Casting fireball to destroy the waves of goblins rushing you.

Bad idea:
Casting fireball at the waves of onrushing goblins in a 20x20 room.
Good idea:
Lining up your fighters shoulder to shoulder to cut down the line of kobolds

Bad idea:
Forgetting to make sure there's not an invisible mage with a lightning bolt off to your right just waiting for the fighters to
line up shoulder-to-shoulder.
Good idea:
Dimension dooring next to a line of pole-arm bearing goblins to hit them with a cone of cold.

Bad idea:
Casting the cone so that it misses the one right next to you.
Good idea:
Pulling the pin and throwing the grenade at your enemies.

Bad idea:
Forgetting to make sure that the bullet-proof window between you and the enemy is open before throwing the grenade.
Good Idea
Charging round a corner with an elephant gun after a mad occultist.

Bad Idea
Charging round a corner with an unloaded elephant gun after a mad occultist.
Good Idea
Climbing a tree to avoid a Monster.

Bad Idea
Climbing a tree in Plate Armor to avoid a Monster and falling on your back.

Role Player Classes


1. The Real Man - "Hot Diggity!! Gnoll outpost at twelve o'clock!! CHAAAAAAAARGE!!!"

2. The Real Roleplayer - "Don't start yet!! I need my two minutes to get properly into character."

3. The Loonie - "I sheathe my longsword and kiss the ogre on the lips."

4. The Munchkin - "Five arch-devils and two demigods? That's ALL?!
I guess I'll only need to use six of my rings for this encounter."

5. The Coward - "Yikes! Three kobolds!! Retreat! Retreat!"

6. The Troublemaker - "Just before the Mayor gives his speech to the town, I cast `command - vomit' on him."

7. The Novice - "I just rolled a 2 on my `to hit' roll. Did I want high or low?"

8. The Tactician - "The archer will move silently into position behind the podium,
carefully aiming at the sergeant. The mage will remain behind the door
in preparation of a `sleep' spell which will be centered at the table around which are the bulk of the guards.
Meanwhile, the fighter and I . . ."

9. The Quiet Type - "I dunno . . . I lob off another arrow at the monster this round, I guess."

10. The Punster - "You know how many clerics it takes to fix a light bulb? One to cast `cure light'."

11. The PC Infighter - "Since Ruth's been such a twit, I hit her in the face with my flail while she's casting her `find familiar' spell."

12. Joe I-Got-the-Rules-Down-Pat - "No, if you look in the DMG, page 87, paragraph 5, you'll find this spell won't affect griffons."

13. The Whiner - "Three points?! I take THREE POINTS OF DAMAGE!?!
Frank, what the hell kind of grudge do you have against me?"

14. The Bully - "Are you sure I don't make my saving throw? Are you ABSOLUTELY sure?
Do you want to keep your nose the way it is, Lou?"

15. Mr. Greedy - "So it's not evil? And it's not attacking? So what! I WANT THAT XP!!!!"

16. The Cheater - "I roll an... 18! It hits!" [Quickly grabs dice.]

17. The Chastiser - "And you DIDN'T SEE THAT TRAP COMING?
Hahahaha!! Just how long did you say you've been playing this game?"

18. The Kamikaze Guy - "I jump off our perch, taking careful aim to land dead center on the hobgoblin patrol.
Just before I hit the ground, though, I set off the `fire trap' on all my nine flasks of oil."

19. The Good Roller - "Oh, looky here. An 03 on percentile dice. If that door was trapped, I just found something."

20. The Bad Roller - "Oh, damn it all!! *Another* critical fumble!!"

21. The Braggart - "The thought of you attacking me isn't even interesting. I could get off a `sleep' spell and slit your unconscious
throat before you even get your longsword out of its sheath."

22. The Reminiscer - "Say, y'know, this is like the time our party thief spent twenty minutes trying to lock-pick an unlocked door."

23. Goody Two-Shoes - "Wait a minute. Even if they are orcs, we just can't kill them when they're asleep
And can't defend themselves."

24. The Overoptimistic Daydreamer - "After we get through this campaign, and have gained about nine, ten levels,
I'm going to buy me the finest battle axe +3 money can buy."

25. Short-Attention-Span Man - "Hmmm? What? Are we attacking now?"


by Scott Butler and J.D. Frazer

1) Munchkin - "Having slain the hordes of Azoth single-handedly,
without even unsheathing the Sword of Universal Destruction, your half
grey elven/half gold dragon 50th-level paladin/MU/Cleric/Monk/Bard gazes
down upon the pitiful Cthulhu who grovels at his feet..."

2) Monty Haul (variation on the Munchkin, but characters tend to be
lower level) - "You are each granted one wish."
"I wish to have the hand and eye of Vecna."
"I wish to have the flask of Teurny the Merciless."
"I wish to have . . ."
"Poof, they appear in front of you. Now what do you do?"
(This actually happened, years ago, when we first started playing.)

3) Whining Munchkin - "But, but, you guys CAN'T do that! It's my only
dungeon! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaail!"

4) Killer Munchkin - "You guys are dead."

5) Killer - "As you pull aside the tapestry, a green slime jumps upon
you from behind it, killing you . . . nope, no `to hit' or saving throw
allowed, it says so right here."

6) Executioner - "A hidden blade slides down the doorway, mincing the
two fighters and the cleric. The thief gets nine crossbow bolts in his
back, and the magic user is hit by an intense beam of light, burning a
hole through his head."

7) Troublemaker - singles out one player and continually hands
him/her notes which read "Don't let anyone know there is nothing on this note."

8) Cheater - "I don't care if you hit on an 18 LAST time, THIS time
you missed, and I don't want to hear another thing about it."

9) Die Modifier - "Yeah, yeah, so you rolled a 20. You missed. Secret modifiers, you know."

10) Enforcer - "A blue bolt from heaven strikes Harold the Whiner,
reducing him to one hit point. Anybody else got a problem with this campaign?"

11) Novice - "You rolled a 2 on your `to hit' roll. Did you want high or low?"

12) Verbose - "The door is solid oak, bound with 4 iron bands of
roughly equal width, spaced equidistant along its width, and the wood is
polished smooth, stained a dark brown, except for a small patch near the
bottom which is blacker. The hinges are not visible from this side, but
you notice the exquisite design of the lock, the faceplate of which is a
starburst design, edged in gold or maybe polished copper or brass, it's
kind of hard to tell with the torchlight, but the knocker is definitely
cast iron and you see . . ."
(sounds of snoring from party members)

13) Poker Face - "The slave you rescued courteously accepts your
offer to accompany you and thanks you for your trust in her . . ."

14) No Poker Face - "The slave you rescued, hee hee, courteously
accepts your offer, snort, to accompany you and thanks you for your
trust in her, hah hah . . . boy are you gonna get it now . . . giggle"

15) Timid - "The orc hits you for 4 points of damage, if that's OK
with you, Steve. Really, you've got 17 hit points left and he has only
2, so you'll be okay, OK?"

16) DePalma school of blood and gore - "Your magic drill cleaves the
demon's skull in twain and it literally explodes, spattering everyone
with blood and brains. An unsightly green ichor drips from your face as
you watch the smoldering corpse churn before you like a baby in a
and finally settle into a puddle of vomit and excrement . . ."

17) Gibson school of writing graduate - "The view in the crystal ball
was the colour of television, tuned to a dead channel."

18) Vengeful - "You won't go out with me Saturday? Okay, all of the
were-rats attack Christine."

19) AD&D'er - "The 100 peasants beat at your fighter ineffectually
with their sticks and pitchforks until you have slain them all. A heroic
effort on your part."

20) Anti-AD&D'er - "The 100 peasants overbear your fighter with their
great numbers and, unable to move under the weight of their hordes, you squirm
helplessly as they pry open your field plate and skewer you like a
lobster. You die an ignoble death."

21) Stickler For Detail - "Taking into account atmospheric
conditions, the acceleration due to gravity, the low drag coefficient of your
greased plate mail, your high dexterity, the gold in your backpack, your
associated credit rating, the eggs you had for breakfast . . . and the
average number of chickens who would remain inside the coop on a warm
day, you have to roll 13 or better to survive the fall . . ."

22) No Originality - "It's a quest, see, you're trying to take this
ring to Mordor, to drop it into a volcano to destroy it. No, no, honest,
I thought of this campaign myself . . ."

23) Leading and Overbearing - "You pump the bartender for information
and he tells you about a red dragon's lair to the west."
"Too risky. We go to hear rumours somewhere else."
"A man offers to hire you to clean out a red dragon's lair for him."
"We say `no, thank you' and leave for the next village."
"On the way to the village you stumble onto a red dragon's lair . . ."

24) Schmuck - "Oh. Can someone really do that? Okay, I'll let you
have a 50% chance. Oh. Okay, 75% then."

25) Ghoul - "That's the 17th character you rolled tonight?

26) Absolute Monarch - "The huge Red Dragon CAN fit through the
little hole, 'cause I SAID SO!"

27) Unimaginative - "You walk into the bar and see thirty mercenaries
all wearing scalemail and carrying longswords. They all sit at seperate

28) Design Zealot - "I just need another 15 minutes. I only have 3
more levels to populate."

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