Dias Ex Machina
Publisher / Game Designer
About 10 years ago (yes, you read right), I started collecting the humorous anecdotes my players have uttered throughout the games I have run. Many were out of character though some of the funniest were done in the scene.
I gathered them on my old page at www.serenadawn.com but I wanted to share some of the most memorable with you all. I tried to find an appropriate location for this post. If not here, I am open to suggestions.
By the way, I have refrained from the quotes using harsh language. If you want to read those, go to the site.
CONAN: “You didn’t even lift a finger to save your girlfriend!”
MIKE: “I had better things to do!”
CAM: “You sure did.”
MIKE: “I had to save the world.”
CONAN: “No, we were good at that point.”
DM: “Maybe I should go over the other Knights in the competition.”
CAM: “Not necessary. If you say their names, we’ll remember.”
DM: “Sir Elanzo Mastiff.”
CAM: “Yeah…yeah…he’s a knight.”
DM: “Maybe I should go over the knights in the competition.”
CAM: “No wait…he’s the horse breeder.”
DM: “No, the inbreeder, remember?”
CAM: “Right, his daughter.”
DM: “Maybe I should go over the knights in the competition.”
CONAN: “I have this awesome plan. I move around this guy and it’s a big flanking line, then I get a bonus +2 to hit.”
DM: “Alright. I make a tumble. (Rolls) Made it. I am now flanking. I roll to hit. Miss. Second Attack. Miss. Third Attack. Miss…When we do something like this, you have to remember who’s involved.”
CAM: “The best way for a knight to get the attention of the princess during the joust is to beckon her to offer a favor to tie to his lance.”
CONAN: “Right. I’ll pass that onto our knight.”
CAM: “You see, what this means is she ties her vagina around his penis which he uses to hit other men with.”
CONAN: “You were beaten a lot in the competition today, weren’t you?”
CAM: “Yes I was.”
CHRIS: “Building a black gate is a bad idea. What if demons come out?”
CONAN: “Don’t worry. I can control it.”
CAM: “You can’t even control urinating…”
CAM: “He finally found my dice bag.”
GM: “Where was it?”
CONAN: “Go ahead…tell them.”
CAM: “He found them in his shoe.”
GM: “His shoe?”
CAM: “--Which was in his couch.”
GM: “Why was a shoe in your couch.”
CONAN: “You see, that’s the question people SHOULD be asking!”
DM: “A six headed Hydra steps forward.”
MISHA: “We’re screwed.”
MALACHI: “Maybe its an illusion.”
MISHA: “I actively hate the DM.”
DM: “Make a track check.”
MISHA (rolls): NINE!
DM: “Okay. You basically know nothing.”
MISHA (to the group): “Okay…we got a bugbear…in half plate…with a lingering knee injury he received in childhood…He has 45 copper in his pocket…and a broken mace…”
TASIA: “Ooooooooh.”
If these roll over well, I will post some more…
I gathered them on my old page at www.serenadawn.com but I wanted to share some of the most memorable with you all. I tried to find an appropriate location for this post. If not here, I am open to suggestions.
By the way, I have refrained from the quotes using harsh language. If you want to read those, go to the site.
CONAN: “You didn’t even lift a finger to save your girlfriend!”
MIKE: “I had better things to do!”
CAM: “You sure did.”
MIKE: “I had to save the world.”
CONAN: “No, we were good at that point.”
DM: “Maybe I should go over the other Knights in the competition.”
CAM: “Not necessary. If you say their names, we’ll remember.”
DM: “Sir Elanzo Mastiff.”
CAM: “Yeah…yeah…he’s a knight.”
DM: “Maybe I should go over the knights in the competition.”
CAM: “No wait…he’s the horse breeder.”
DM: “No, the inbreeder, remember?”
CAM: “Right, his daughter.”
DM: “Maybe I should go over the knights in the competition.”
CONAN: “I have this awesome plan. I move around this guy and it’s a big flanking line, then I get a bonus +2 to hit.”
DM: “Alright. I make a tumble. (Rolls) Made it. I am now flanking. I roll to hit. Miss. Second Attack. Miss. Third Attack. Miss…When we do something like this, you have to remember who’s involved.”
CAM: “The best way for a knight to get the attention of the princess during the joust is to beckon her to offer a favor to tie to his lance.”
CONAN: “Right. I’ll pass that onto our knight.”
CAM: “You see, what this means is she ties her vagina around his penis which he uses to hit other men with.”
CONAN: “You were beaten a lot in the competition today, weren’t you?”
CAM: “Yes I was.”
CHRIS: “Building a black gate is a bad idea. What if demons come out?”
CONAN: “Don’t worry. I can control it.”
CAM: “You can’t even control urinating…”
CAM: “He finally found my dice bag.”
GM: “Where was it?”
CONAN: “Go ahead…tell them.”
CAM: “He found them in his shoe.”
GM: “His shoe?”
CAM: “--Which was in his couch.”
GM: “Why was a shoe in your couch.”
CONAN: “You see, that’s the question people SHOULD be asking!”
DM: “A six headed Hydra steps forward.”
MISHA: “We’re screwed.”
MALACHI: “Maybe its an illusion.”
MISHA: “I actively hate the DM.”
DM: “Make a track check.”
MISHA (rolls): NINE!
DM: “Okay. You basically know nothing.”
MISHA (to the group): “Okay…we got a bugbear…in half plate…with a lingering knee injury he received in childhood…He has 45 copper in his pocket…and a broken mace…”
TASIA: “Ooooooooh.”
If these roll over well, I will post some more…
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