[Hivemind] Act Now - Supplies are limited!!!
- Thread starter Dark Eternal
- Start date
Dungannon said:
That is the plan, so I have a good deal of control over at least the initial setup.. we'll see what happens from there..
I don;t know if I want to do serious mecha sci-fi or giant monster smashem up style for the mecha game. I already have some of the star Wars stuff ready.
electric-ant
First Post
No, but they know what's going on; I explained it in the OOC thread.
They're ancient heroes who were put into slumber for eons to fulfill a prophecy. They will awake when the world is once again in dire peril.
They're ancient heroes who were put into slumber for eons to fulfill a prophecy. They will awake when the world is once again in dire peril.
Watch your tense.. you shift twice in this section:
The radiant silhouette flickers again and nearly fails, but instead begins shrinking into a curved shape.
“……me….”
The light forms into a crescent moon. It flickers.
There is a massive boom, as if a tremendous stone block had been dropped.
The light flickers again.
A second noise, like thunder sounding over a mountain-peak.
The light flickers. It fades.
A third crash, and you are wrenched from your millennial sleep into the waking world.
The radiant silhouette flickers again and nearly fails, but instead begins shrinking into a curved shape.
“……me….”
The light forms into a crescent moon. It flickers.
There is a massive boom, as if a tremendous stone block had been dropped.
The light flickers again.
A second noise, like thunder sounding over a mountain-peak.
The light flickers. It fades.
A third crash, and you are wrenched from your millennial sleep into the waking world.
From a technical standpoint it looks like you have some structure issues, but in the content arena you're off to a good start.. watch for passive wording and improper tense, there are also a few spelling issues.. Usually if you read it aloud and it makes sounds right that's a good way to judge it.
A few wording changes I would recommend to tighten up the drama...
Suddenly, a point of light interrupts your unending sleep. It grows in size until it seems as if you will be blinded by the brilliance, and then coalesces into the shape of a man.
might sound better as:
Suddenly a point of light pierces the quiet darkness. It retreats quickly, screaming against the building light. You feel your eyes tear as the blinding luminence receedes and before you a hazy figure of a man appears, just out of focus.
something like that.
Suddenly, a point of light interrupts your unending sleep. It grows in size until it seems as if you will be blinded by the brilliance, and then coalesces into the shape of a man.
might sound better as:
Suddenly a point of light pierces the quiet darkness. It retreats quickly, screaming against the building light. You feel your eyes tear as the blinding luminence receedes and before you a hazy figure of a man appears, just out of focus.
something like that.
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