how do i learn to relax and live day by day?!?

[LightPhoenix]

I think people here have said it more eloquently than I could, but I personally think the key is to live in the present, and put the future and the past to the side. Be mindful of them, of course, but understand that there are going to be times in life that suck... and that they will pass. It's okay to wallow in self-pity a bit, but usually moving out of those sucky periods is a combination of passivity (ie, time) and activity - that is, nudging yourself out of that rut.

Friends are important. There will be times that they frustrate you, and that's okay, but they really are everyone's biggest source of strength. Talk to them, spend time with them if you can. There will be times you don't feel like you have any friends... that's not true, and never will be.

I'm not a huge fan of Carlos Mencia, but there was a quote he said (or used, but didn't attribute, and I can't find the source): "Happiness is doing what you love frequently."

This is personal, but I try to give respect to everyone, and be kind as well. It goes a long way. It's nice to be able to go get coffee (my crutch... thanks grad school!) or lunch, and have the people at the counter treat me friendly, because I treated them that way. It's a little thing, but it makes me feel a little bit better... and sometimes that's all we need to get the ball rolling.

Be the person you want to be. If you don't like who you are, change. Chances are that won't happen overnight... but every little step helps the next one. Understanding that we all have the capacity for change is the biggest and most difficult step to take. Once we accept that, the rest tends to fall into place.

 

[Talislan]

The Psychology of achievement - by Brian Tracy

I suggest everyone get the cd(s) version, put it on their chosen generic music player and listen and apply it to their day to day lives.

Relaxation comes from contentment with your current situation. You have the power to achieve this and more with relative ease. That is not to say it won't take effort and organisation on your part to make it work, but it will work if you do.

T.

Decide what you want to do, and then resolve to pay the price necessary to achieve it. - taken from a quotation used in - The Psychology of achievement - by Brian Tracy

 

[Horacio]

No advice here, only my tale...

Three years ago, I had just got my PhD and I had been accepted for a nice post-doc that would allow me to advance in research milieu. But it was in Rennes, 250 km from Brest.

But my girlfriend at the time didn't want to move, and she said she didn't believe in distance relationship. So if I accepted the post-doc, it was the end for us.

I refused the post-doc, I got black-listed for other post-docs in the area (I had applied and accepted and then later refused) as my former PhD advisors took it very very badly.

But I believed I had to give all the chances to our relationship, because it deserved it.

Eight months later she put me and my daughter at the door, because she belived I had cheated her and because she never loved my daughter.

And I have never been able to get a research job again, being unnoficially black-listed and all...

Now I work as IT software architect in a local bank, a work I don't like much, and I live the lonely life of a divorced single parent with a chaotic sentimental past.

If I returned to the past, I don't really know if I would do the same thing again... but I'm afraid I would.

Because at least I gave all the chances to the relationship, and at least I'm not asking myself if it would have work or not...

Merde... remember all that is a sad way to begin a year...

 

[Spell]

Decide what you want to do, and then resolve to pay the price necessary to achieve it.

ah, but that's the thing for me. the passage between paying the price and having what you want is not so linear. it's not like going to the store to buy a fridge or something.

example #1: i want to record my music with my band. it doesn't really matter who is in the band, as long as we get along together, we gig, and we share both profits and work, at least to a certain extent.

well, good luck with that. i can put all the effort i want in this band thing, but (maybe for sheer misfortune, maybe because it's a sign of god, maybe because i have to insist a bit more... who knows?) until today, very little has happened in this field.

sure, we did manage to get some recordings with every incarnation of the band, but then personal problems, need for more money, desire to try something else, or whatever else, always destroyed before we managed to do something... i'm not saying something worthwhile, but something that i could really send around to more than just friends.

what is the right price? paying an advance flat fee (that i would have lots of difficulties to raise) for good musicians to sit in and tour with me, and then be happy with all the money (if any) that i will make out of this?

what happens if absolutely nothing comes out of it?


example #2: i want a girlfriend, i want to fall in love, and i want all of the cheese you might think of.
i do have a girlfriend, and i'd say it's going alright... but she's not the extremely romantic type, and this sometimes really hurts me.

what is the right price? stick with a woman that i love and that loves me back (although not exactly in the way i dreamed of), or saying: nah, whatever, i'll find someone else, and hope to find the "perfect" match that might very well never come along?
and what happens if this "perfect" match has another thing that hurts me every now and then?

in my experience, it's hard to really be in a situation that has determinate characteristics. i've rarely seen a "this is the price. take it or leave it" situation happen to other people... and so it's even more unlikely that i would spot one should it happen to me.
there's always another option.
there's always a "what if?".

how do you know that the other option wouldn't have lead to a better solution?
should i just trust my gut feelings all the time? because even if you go for "most of the time", then how can i tell that feeling is right in a determinate situation?


...

i have to say, though, that this thread is helping. maybe it doesn't seem so, but it is helping a bit. i suppose i should just try and find more friends where i live, in one way or another, so that i could spend time with them when i start thinking too much. it did help last year in austin.

 

[Spell]

I'm sorry I didn't meet you while you were in Boston.

hey, it's ok. as i said, i was overworked... plus boston isn't exactly a little town!

 

[Spell]

Merde... remember all that is a sad way to begin a year...

cheer up. i had a similar experience, albeit i didn't get married. i won't go into the details, but i basically lost 3 years of my life because i decided to drop out from my math degree, for a girl. *very* bad decision for many reasons, but anyway.

i, like you, going back would do it again, because i wanted to give a chance to the relationship, at the time. on the other hand, i have learned my lesson, and i hope i wouldn't do it today.

i just pray that i won't have to face the choice again. it's very hard to say goodbye to someone you love, if you have to go... but as both your and my experience show, it might be best to split with you just have emotional damages and at least save a career, as sad as that might be.

 

[Talislan]

Seriously Spell, get the book I suggested (or preferrably CDs)
it will make more sense than my feeble attempts to offer the insight it brings in my short quotations.

ah, but that's the thing for me. the passage between paying the price and having what you want is not so linear. it's not like going to the store to buy a fridge or something.

example #1: i want to record my music with my band. it doesn't really matter who is in the band, as long as we get along together, we gig, and we share both profits and work, at least to a certain extent.

well, good luck with that. i can put all the effort i want in this band thing, but (maybe for sheer misfortune, maybe because it's a sign of god, maybe because i have to insist a bit more... who knows?) until today, very little has happened in this field.

sure, we did manage to get some recordings with every incarnation of the band, but then personal problems, need for more money, desire to try something else, or whatever else, always destroyed before we managed to do something... i'm not saying something worthwhile, but something that i could really send around to more than just friends.

what is the right price? paying an advance flat fee (that i would have lots of difficulties to raise) for good musicians to sit in and tour with me, and then be happy with all the money (if any) that i will make out of this?

what happens if absolutely nothing comes out of it?

You will be able to say that you tried that way and be ready to try the next way.
You will have had an experience.

example #2: i want a girlfriend, i want to fall in love, and i want all of the cheese you might think of.
i do have a girlfriend, and i'd say it's going alright... but she's not the extremely romantic type, and this sometimes really hurts me.

what is the right price? stick with a woman that i love and that loves me back (although not exactly in the way i dreamed of), or saying: nah, whatever, i'll find someone else, and hope to find the "perfect" match that might very well never come along?
and what happens if this "perfect" match has another thing that hurts me every now and then?

in my experience, it's hard to really be in a situation that has determinate characteristics. i've rarely seen a "this is the price. take it or leave it" situation happen to other people... and so it's even more unlikely that i would spot one should it happen to me.
there's always another option.
there's always a "what if?".

And there always will be. People who get on in life do exactly that, get on with it. The "what if's" are part of the price that they are willing to pay.

Also relating back to the band as well as your relationship there is the idea that you are surrounding yourself with people who have different ideals to yourself. I won't make comment on this as I do not know them or you, but maybe this is something you need to investigate.

how do you know that the other option wouldn't have lead to a better solution?
should i just trust my gut feelings all the time? because even if you go for "most of the time", then how can i tell that feeling is right in a determinate situation?

You don't
Yes.(90% of 'gut reactions' are correct)
Trust. You have to trust your (subconscious) brain to make the right decisions for you


...

i have to say, though, that this thread is helping. maybe it doesn't seem so, but it is helping a bit. i suppose i should just try and find more friends where i live, in one way or another, so that i could spend time with them when i start thinking too much. it did help last year in austin.

...and get the audio book. or a similar book from your own research that you like the sound of.

Good Luck
T.

If in anything I say I cause offence, then I offer my apologies for not explaining things in a better fashion, and assure you none is intended.

 

[Thornir Alekeg]

Good stuff here so far. My thoughts:

Try to avoid regret. It doesn't do anything for you. Learn from the past, make different choices because of it, but do no dwell on it.

Regarding the girlfriend; that is a tricky area. I strongly believe that people who are looking for the "perfect" partner will never find them, because they are often end up focused on what makes someone less than perfect. People who decide to "settle" for something less than perfect don't usually help themselves because they are still aware of the decision they made, and might remain focused on the flaws ending up with feelings of regret or questions of "what if?"

 

[Spell]

If in anything I say I cause offence, then I offer my apologies for not explaining things in a better fashion, and assure you none is intended.

mate, you're trying to help, and i'm most grateful!
it's hard to understand situations when all you kow is a couple of lines from someone you never saw in your life!

 

[Relique du Madde]

No advice here.. When ever I try to live day by day I tend not to find relaxation but instead I tend to find uncertainty.



Through all the muck, I grin and laugh and try to dispel any despair that may come my way because even though life may suck at times, the alternative is worse. Hell, I even came close to making that mistake...

However, since I do love a good story, I'm not one to rush my story toward's a bitter sweet conclusion so I stick around and try to figure out all realitie's subtleties because who knows, maybe there's a giant red reset button somewhere out there. After all, many ears ago I discovered that god does love a good joke or at least he loves irony.

I once had a "vision" of myself getting killed in car crash only to realize that I misinterpreted after the event I foresaw occurred. In my vision I saw a tarp being placed over me as I was being loaded into an ambulance via a stetcher. So it was only natural that I would think that I died in the crash. Ironically, the actual reason for the tarp was because the medic wanted to keep the rain off my face.


If I only knew the truth of that vision I probably would have relaxed each time I drove in the rain, but unfortunately, I am somewhat of a pessimist so I don't think its natural for me to be at ease about everything.