How Do you have an adult conversation?

[MichaelSomething]

Say you have a problem player (or DM) in your group. You want to have an adult conversion with them to curb their bad behavior. How do you have an adult conversation? What does that even mean anyway? What if you or the problem player don't have the communication skills to have an adult conversation?

 

[Deset Gled]

Step #1 is to arrange a good setting for the conversation.

Don't call them out in front of the group. Try and pick a method and/or place that is non-confrontational. And generally don't do it over text or email if you can avoid it; the more human you can make it, the better.

Maybe a phone call or Zoom meeting. Maybe a non-gaming get together at a coffee place. Maybe ask them to stay late if you game at your house. Good communication starts with everyone being comfortable with the situation and feeling like they can talk.

 

[Thomas Shey]

The general question is hard to answer without more context of the people involved. The answer to the last question is, in my experience (and this applies to any number of things beyond gaming) "It doesn't happen. Things continue on until they reach an intolerable level."

 

[Thomas Shey]

Don't call them out in front of the group. Try and pick a method and/or place that is non-confrontational. And generally don't do it over text or email if you can avoid it; the more human you can make it, the better.

I'm not sold this is actually a good suggestion; I've not infrequently found text a better way to do it, because its a cooler medium.

 

[SableWyvern]

What if you or the problem player don't have the communication skills to have an adult conversation?

I sidestep this issue entirely by simply not playing with such people.

The rest then becomes much easier.

 

[Thomas Shey]

I sidestep this issue entirely by simply not playing with such people.

The rest then becomes much easier.

I'm not sure I always have the required skills, and most things suggest I'm better than the majority in this regard. If I only played with people who had the necessary personalities to be able to reliably have such discussions productively, I doubt I'd ever have got into the hobby at all.

 

[Deset Gled]

I'm not sold this is actually a good suggestion; I've not infrequently found text a better way to do it, because its a cooler medium.

I would contend that if the goal of an "adult conversation" is meant to be a true dialog that's as open as possible, it's an extra barrier. But I agree that if you're concerned about people getting too heated, that barrier can be useful sometimes.

I sidestep this issue entirely by simply not playing with such people.

The rest then becomes much easier.

People change. Relationships change. I had to have the conversation with someone I had been gaming with for years without problems.

 

[SableWyvern]

I'm not sure I always have the required skills, and most things suggest I'm better than the majority in this regard. If I only played with people who had the necessary personalities to be able to reliably have such discussions productively, I doubt I'd ever have got into the hobby at all.

I think the main thing that's required is just a basic level of mutual respect. Other than that, the person who feels an issue needs to be addressed needs to have sufficient confidence to actually raise the subject.

IMO, being willing and able to have an adult conversation then mostly just means an ability to listen to feedback without immediately flying off the handle, going fully on the defensive (or counter-attacking), taking it as a huge personal attack or otherwise turning something relatively minor into a huge drama.

So:

• A basic level of mutual respect.
• A willingness to accept feedback.
• An overall atmosphere of collaboration.

If someone doesn't have respect for the other participants, isn't interested in collaboration or can't accept any feedback, then things are likely to breakdown. But, if you have those three basic things, my experience is that the rest is generally not that hard.

 

[SableWyvern]

People change. Relationships change. I had to have the conversation with someone I had been gaming with for years without problems.

Yes, I said it becomes easier, not that it becomes unnecessary.

 

[Remathilis]

"How do you talk with a problem player" is right up there with "how do you ask your crush out" in the realm of "there is no one correct way to do this, but hundreds of good and bad ways depending on the people involved."

That said, there are some things you can do.

1.) Ask why the player is engaging in the problem behavior. It could be ignorance, it could be griefing. People engage in antisocial behavior for all sorts of reasons in their minds, and sometimes they don't even realize they are doing it.
2.) Approach the player in whatever method is best for both of you. Generally, talking to someone when alone is the best method. Sometimes, a cooler detached method is needed.
3.) Be honest. If the issue is ruining someone's fun, advise that there is an issue and that things will need to change in order to move forward.
4.) If all else fails, advise that perhaps finding a game that supports their type of play is best.

And here are some things you should avoid.

1.) Focusing your issues via the game. Punishing the player by breaking the rules, targeting the PC, or having the hand of God smite them. If you're not the DM, having PvP issues with the problem player is just as bad.
2.) Ganging up. You don't need the whole group there to talk with the problem player. That said, if multiple players have a problem, its not a bad thing to mention that others (NEVER NAMED WITHOUT PERMISSION) are also having issues.
3.) Letting things fester until things blow up.