How Do you have an adult conversation?

[dragoner]

Talk to them alone, try to be sympathetic, and reasonable; if that doesn't work, at least you tried.

 

[Umbran]

I'm not sold this is actually a good suggestion; I've not infrequently found text a better way to do it, because its a cooler medium.

Text isn't cooler. These boards are text, and we need humans dedicated to acting as moderating influences because even small things blow up. Text was the basic medium of the Edition Wars. Text can get very, very hot.

Text lacks the basic human social cues humans normally use to guage intent and tone, and subconsciously moderate their own responses. Text leaves too much to the imagination to reliably manage adult conversations.

 

[Dannyalcatraz]

If you can manage it, a private, in-person conversation- possibly after a session, if need be- is usually best.

But sometimes, you don’t get the chance. Situations boil over in seconds. Or problems long hidden erupt publicly. All you can do then is try to keep calm.

The worst situation I had to deal with in a game group I was hosting & DMing for was of the last kind. It had nothing to do with gaming; it was a private, personal situation that happened to involve illegal activity. Someone (not me) who was privy to the situation made it public at the table. The shocking nature of the issue was such that the group fractured that night. We never gathered again, and I’ve only occasionally encountered past members of that group at random intervals.

 

[DammitVictor]

Be polite and address the behavior, not the person. Remember that if the conversation is longer than two words ("**** off") the goal of the conversation is to maintain the relationship by preventing the problem behavior from destroying it. The problem behavior isn't their fault, it's just something that they need to stop doing in your presence.

"Man, I like you and I love having you in our game, but this thing is ruining the game for everyone."

Treat it like you're taking away a homebrew magical item you accidentally made too powerful. It's not bad and it's not their fault (even if it really, really is), it's just a problem that you need their help fixing. Your goal is not to get them to apologize for their behavior, it's to convince them to agree to something–and keep the agreement–so that you can thank them for it. And when that conversation is over, you're back to the two word response: either "**** off" or "thank you".

 

[TheSword]

The old chestnut “don’t tell them why it’s good for you, tell them why it’s good for them.”

What are they trying to achieve with the problem behavior? How can you help them channel that in a way that achieves what they are looking for… that may be finding a group that appreciates the style. Or it may be giving short moments for that style, or doing something offline.

“I can see you like to use the session to catch up with friends about life, and so we’ve been having a few out of game conversations which can get disruptive. Why don’t we allow 15 mins at the start of the session to chew the fat and catch up then keep it on topic after that?”

 

[aco175]

You can also say that you are asking each player how the game is going and if there are any problems. This lets the one player feel/think that each of the other players are having the same conversation and they can speak more freely. Then you can guide the talking to the actual problem.

I'm glad you brought that up- someone else had that problem...
Another player mentioned that....
Nobody mentioned that, thank you...

Sounds like the goal is to not kick them out, but to get them to play together.

 

[Artamo]

The old chestnut “don’t tell them why it’s good for you, feel them why it’s good for them.”

Feeling them might get you in a lot of trouble.

 

[GrimCo]

In private and in person. Non verbal communication is big part of human interactions. Text, calls, even video calls don't convey body language.

Make it civil, comfortable, in neutral environment - personally, i'll ask player to meet for a coffe. Be clear that it's about specific behavior, not a person and that you want to resolve problem in a mutually beneficial way. Start with why. Why does the player engage in problematic behavior. Sometimes people aren't even aware their behavior is problematic.

Also, be prepared for worst case scenario in which you tell said player that he is kicked out of gaming group.

 

[Artamo]

This is highly situational and there have been a lot of good suggestions, but I will differ in one aspect: I think it’s better to first gather consensus from others that there is a problem, then have the conversation as a group, not one on one. In that conversation, keep it brief, and use “I” statements such as “I feel uncomfortable with the way the game is going.” The point is to address the issue collectively and move on.

 

[payn]

I flip the table and toss my knife into the floor between us. The rest works itself out.