How Do you have an adult conversation?

[Artamo]

I flip the table and toss my knife into the floor between us. The rest works itself out.

Always bring a bottle of whisky to drink afterwards while you’re both getting stitches.

 

[Bill Zebub]

Skip the social encounter. Straight to combat.

 

[Koloth]

Don't worry about having an 'adult' conversation. Kids often do a better job of communicating then adults. Just have a conversation. The medium of the message depends on the situation. If the situation is salvageable, then in person is probably best. But if the game is primarily VTT, then that may be the best way. If the message is some form of "You are no longer welcome.", email or text might be best. Avoid the confrontation. If it is a VTT game, be sure to remove that player's access rights before sending the message.

Whatever the message or medium, avoid doing it in the heat of the moment if possible. Best to have such a conversation when you are calm and collected. Also, sooner is better then later. Letting something fester often lets a small problem become a larger and maybe unfixable problem.

 

[Retros_x]

Text isn't cooler. These boards are text, and we need humans dedicated to acting as moderating influences because even small things blow up. Text was the basic medium of the Edition Wars. Text can get very, very hot.

Text lacks the basic human social cues humans normally use to guage intent and tone, and subconsciously moderate their own responses. Text leaves too much to the imagination to reliably manage adult conversations.

I also stumbled upon this. Every serious talk should be taken in person, or at least with a (video) call. We are genetically programmed to communicate in person, not via an abstract medium.

I would also argue, if the problem player blows up in person and is not able to hold that conversation - thats not a good sign you will find a solution except kicking them out.

 

[MGibster]

What if you or the problem player don't have the communication skills to have an adult conversation?

In the old days we just killed them and took their stuff. I'm just kidding. Or am I?

The truth is sometimes it can be very difficult for even people with good communication skills to have an adult conversation. I make a living having difficult conversations with people and even I sometimes let things go on for too long, get frustrated, am overly concerned about hurting feelings, etc., etc. It's important to remember you cannot expect anything to change unless you're willing to have that uncomfortable conversation.

My overarching principle at work is as follows: Always protect the dignity of the employee. It doesn't matter if you're writing a formal warning, they're making a stupid complaint (some complaints are stupid), or you're terminating employment. Always preserve their dignity as best you can. I try to keep that attitude when I need to have a conversation with someone in my gaming group. Here are a few things I've learned over the years.

1. Define what the problem is before you have a conversation. Make sure you stick to the topic at hand rather than wander all over the place during the conversation.
2. Decide what you want to get out of the conversation before you have it. i.e. What do you want for yourself and others?
3. Make the conversation safe by moderating you voice to avoid sounding angry, having an accusatory tone, etc., etc. Make it clear that you're not attacking your player, you simply want everyone, including your player, to have a good time.
4. Stick to the specific subject and the facts at hand, taking care not to create heroes or villains. It's okay to tell the player that doing X makes it difficult for others to do Y, but don't frame it as if the player is a jerk.
5. Talk about how you'd like to see the game played.
6. Talk about how they'd like to see the game played.
7. Talk about what both of you plan to do moving forward to create a fun atmosphere for everyone.

This is easier to type out than it is to do in person. But it's not a bad guideline for having uncomfortable conversations with others.

 

[Remathilis]

Don't worry about having an 'adult' conversation. Kids often do a better job of communicating then adults. Just have a conversation.

I think "adult" in this context refers to avoiding things like blame, shame, insults, or unrealistic demands. Stuff designed to score points and escalate tension.

 

[Thomas Shey]

I would contend that if the goal of an "adult conversation" is meant to be a true dialog that's as open as possible, it's an extra barrier. But I agree that if you're concerned about people getting too heated, that barrier can be useful sometimes.

And to be fair, its one of those things that can vary from person to person. I just think the automatic assumption it'll work better FTF when there are already stressors does not stand up to my experience.

 

[Thomas Shey]

I think the main thing that's required is just a basic level of mutual respect. Other than that, the person who feels an issue needs to be addressed needs to have sufficient confidence to actually raise the subject.

It goes beyond respect. It requires trust in other people's reactions and how that will play out, and bluntly, a lot of people don't have that with many other people, whether they're strangers, friends or coworkers. Heck people don't consistently have that with their significant others.

 

[Remathilis]

Text isn't cooler. These boards are text, and we need humans dedicated to acting as moderating influences because even small things blow up. Text was the basic medium of the Edition Wars. Text can get very, very hot.

Text lacks the basic human social cues humans normally use to guage intent and tone, and subconsciously moderate their own responses. Text leaves too much to the imagination to reliably manage adult conversations.

The only time I can advocate for text is if you are dealing with someone who is so toxic that a rational conversation is impossible if not dangerous. It's absolutely a last resort but sometimes it's safer to have distance and receipts if you are dealing with a person who is unable to handle adult conversation.

(I've never had that come up in the context of game, but I've had friends who have felt safer breaking up toxic relationships with others via this method because the person who was being let go could be manipulative or violent.)

 

[Thomas Shey]

Text isn't cooler. These boards are text, and we need humans dedicated to acting as moderating influences because even small things blow up. Text was the basic medium of the Edition Wars. Text can get very, very hot.

Text lacks the basic human social cues humans normally use to guage intent and tone, and subconsciously moderate their own responses. Text leaves too much to the imagination to reliably manage adult conversations.

The difference is that here we're largely interacting with strangers. As such we have little or no contectual basis for the exchange in the first place. All being in person when a problem is being discussed is for people to read the body language involved in a negative way.

Text is a cooler medium, but its also a lower bandwidth medium. Whether those two things counter each other, or reinforce one another (in a positive or negative way) is entirely situational. Among other things, most text exchanges give people a lot more time to consider their responses if they wish to.