How Do you have an adult conversation?

[aco175]

I think "adult" in this context refers to avoiding things like blame, shame, insults, or unrealistic demands. Stuff designed to score points and escalate tension.

Soooo, the opposite of anything one sees in social media and you should be good.

 

[Bill Zebub]

Don't worry about having an 'adult' conversation. Kids often do a better job of communicating then adults. Just have a conversation.

If you are an adult, and they are kids, go read "10 to 25" by David Yeager.

TL;DR: don't treat them like kids....

 

[Ralif Redhammer]

Don't call them out in front of the group. Try and pick a method and/or place that is non-confrontational. And generally don't do it over text or email if you can avoid it; the more human you can make it, the better.

I think the exception to this is if a player says something bigoted at the table. That sort of thing cannot be left unchallenged at the moment, lest it look like a silent endorsement.

Talk to them alone, try to be sympathetic, and reasonable; if that doesn't work, at least you tried.

That's an important thing to keep in mind. A lot of problem player behaviors come out of a place of hurt, or the person is unaware of the impact of what they're doing. So being kind is a good baseline. All that being said, any time you have this sort of conversation, you have to be prepared for the possibility of it ending in booting them out.

 

[dragoner]

All that being said, any time you have this sort of conversation, you have to be prepared for the possibility of it ending in booting them out.

Very true, setting expectations is important; I feel with a lot of conversations, there already has been prior communication, if not verbal.

 

[TheSword]

Another piece of advice I would have after many many years of managing people. Don’t feel the need to reach a conclusion there and then. It is absolutely fine for both sides to take a breather after the initial discussion and reconvene at the following opportunity. Act in haste, repent at leisure.

Also try to avoid broadsiding people. Try and give them a heads up and chance to think about things. You’re less likely to get a knee jerk defensive reaction then.

 

[cranberry]

During session zero, explain what is and isn't acceptable. Hand it out in writing if you think that's necessary.

If they violate one of those rules, remind them in private. If they continue, send them an email stating that they violated the rules again, and they are no longer welcome at the table.

With VTTs, it's easy enough to just exclude them from the list of players.

 

[zarionofarabel]

Step 1: Avoid said person for the rest of my life.
Step 2: ???
Step 3: Profit.

 

[Artamo]

During session zero, explain what is and isn't acceptable. Hand it out in writing if you think that's necessary.

If they violate one of those rules, remind them in private. If they continue, send them an email stating that they violated the rules again, and they are no longer welcome at the table.

With VTTs, it's easy enough to just exclude them from the list of players.

I kind of worry about an over-reliance on session zeroes to codify and capture every possible case where a discussion of behavior is needed.

 

[cranberry]

I kind of worry about an over-reliance on session zeroes to codify and capture every possible case where a discussion of behavior is needed.

You don't have to cover every possible behavior. It can be broad general categories, that most adults will get the gist of.

 

[Cergorach]

I'm not sold this is actually a good suggestion; I've not infrequently found text a better way to do it, because its a cooler medium.

That really depends on the people. Some have the forum-warrior gene and any digital written medium becomes a bloodbath...

If possible (and I don't mean convenient), in person. Less best thing is a video call, next best to that is a voice call. Again, it depends on the people. If you play in person, ask them to stay a bit after the session, that makes it less of a big deal.

And how you approach the actual conversation, really depends on the person that's having the issues and your communication skills. Sometimes the DM is the best communicator in the group, sometimes it isn't. There's imho nothing wrong with someone else that's better at communicating doing the 'deed'.

In my experience it doesn't help being adversarial. If this is not their normal behaviour, start by asking what's going on and if everything is fine. If it is their normal behaviour, why did you start playing with this person? Chances are you're not going to change them.