How Do you have an adult conversation?

[MGibster]

I think the exception to this is if a player says something bigoted at the table. That sort of thing cannot be left unchallenged at the moment, lest it look like a silent endorsement.

I absolutely agree 100%. I failed to do this when I was much younger and now I only regret it. When you see it, say something.

There are other times when I feel it's prudent to say something immediately. If you notice someone playing their character in a seemingly chaotic, nonsensical, and disruptive manner then it's probably for the best to momentary pause the game to ask the player what's going on. If you can do it privately, great, but depending on the venue that might not be practical.

During session zero, explain what is and isn't acceptable. Hand it out in writing if you think that's necessary.

There's no such thing as a session zero that will cover every situation. A session zero is for broad strokes on player expectations, what the game is about, and content.

 

[cranberry]

I absolutely agree 100%. I failed to do this when I was much younger and now I only regret it. When you see it, say something.

There are other times when I feel it's prudent to say something immediately. If you notice someone playing their character in a seemingly chaotic, nonsensical, and disruptive manner then it's probably for the best to momentary pause the game to ask the player what's going on. If you can do it privately, great, but depending on the venue that might not be practical.


There's no such thing as a session zero that will cover every situation. A session zero is for broad strokes on player expectations, what the game is about, and content.

It isn't necessary to list every possible situation. Most adults understand what is and isn't acceptable behavior. And for the rare person that doesn't understand, dealing with it as I mentioned should be sufficient.

And it is rare. I don't understand the people who act as if this is a rampant issue. I've experienced it once since 1979.

 

[Artamo]

It isn't necessary to list every possible situation. Most adults understand what is and isn't acceptable behavior. And for the rare person that doesn't understand, dealing with it as I mentioned should be sufficient.

And it is rare. I don't understand the people who act as if this is a rampant issue. I've experienced it once since 1979.

Maybe it’s only rare in your experience. I mean, I know I’ve experienced it with a couple members of our group both former and current players. Not every problem is a horror story but also not every group is equipped to deal with problems the same way. I mean, this thread exists for a reason I assume?

 

[Thomas Shey]

That really depends on the people. Some have the forum-warrior gene and any digital written medium becomes a bloodbath...

Yeah, but the flip side of this is some people will say anything to avoid confrontation in person, or simply to satisfy their interlocator, while being willing to be a bit more honest and open at a distance. And the people causing problems in-game are the most likely to avoid any personal confrontation and/or to take it as requiring pushback when in-person.

This doesn't mean either medium will automatically work. Sometimes you have people who are either in denial about the problems they're bringing (or think its as much or more someone else's issues) or are somewhat aware of it but just can't consistently take it in hand (I had a player I'd known for decades who had gotten significantly better about his tics over time on the whole, but who tended to regress to the mean when stressed).

 

[Thomas Shey]

Maybe it’s only rare in your experience. I mean, I know I’ve experienced it with a couple members of our group both former and current players. Not every problem is a horror story but also not every group is equipped to deal with problems the same way. I mean, this thread exists for a reason I assume?

Yeah, I sometimes think the "this is easily handled" responses show more that some people have been fortunate, either in not hitting it much in their gaming time, or in being able to be sufficiently fussy about who they game with that they could rarely having to deal with it, and not accepting that neither of these may be the situation others find themselves in.

 

[Marc17]

First, I'd talk to the other stakeholders in the game. I'm not going to confront somebody as if I'm speaking for everybody unless I am speaking for everybody. That conversation would also settle on who would do the talking and what the stakes were. Usually, get them to stop the behavior that causing the issues and everything is good. Sometimes, somebody is not up for it or others might be more suited to do it, say their significant other.

Next, if it was me to have the conversation, I'd probably talk to them after game, person to person, explain the situation probably backed up by an example that has happened in that game or the last. No ultimatum, just ask the stop doing so and why. Then, it happened again, ask them not to do that when it happens in game (especially if the person who said they'd talk to them hasn't). From there, it just shouldn't be a surprise to anybody if they are asked to not return or if all the players drop out.

 

[Ralif Redhammer]

Very true, setting expectations is important; I feel with a lot of conversations, there already has been prior communication, if not verbal.

With a lot of problem players, yeah, I find that this is a road they're walking down, not any one particular moment.

I absolutely agree 100%. I failed to do this when I was much younger and now I only regret it. When you see it, say something.

There are other times when I feel it's prudent to say something immediately. If you notice someone playing their character in a seemingly chaotic, nonsensical, and disruptive manner then it's probably for the best to momentary pause the game to ask the player what's going on. If you can do it privately, great, but depending on the venue that might not be practical.

It can be hard. There've been times where I've been so shocked that someone might say something (and feel comfortable saying it in front of people!). Being a GM, you've already got your brain running on a bunch of different thought processes at once. Not to mention, it takes courage to stand up. Sometimes even to your friends.

 

[zakael19]

It isn't necessary to list every possible situation. Most adults understand what is and isn't acceptable behavior. And for the rare person that doesn't understand, dealing with it as I mentioned should be sufficient.

And it is rare. I don't understand the people who act as if this is a rampant issue. I've experienced it once since 1979.

Simply setting out ground rules and guidelines for the entire table with a clear statement of some sort of check-in procedure during a session 0 seems to go a long way to creating teh expectation that such dialogue will a) happen and b) be addressed as required over the course of play. Since I started doing session 0s following best practices and facilitating that conversation and expectation settings, I genuinely haven't had any issues with players since.
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Regarding OP, lots of folks < 40 prefer text as a mechanism of communication. I've approached plenty of little "check in" or "hey, I wanted to raise this concern with you" type stuff via text and it's worked out fine. Certainly can't do it in person with folks spread across 3 countries I've never met IRL!

 

[MGibster]

It isn't necessary to list every possible situation. Most adults understand what is and isn't acceptable behavior. And for the rare person that doesn't understand, dealing with it as I mentioned should be sufficient.

I guess I'm just failing to see how "mention it in session zero" is useful in a conversation about how to have difficult conversations. In theory, sure, you could head it off at the pass by making sure everyone knows X is unacceptable. But not only can we not put everything in session zero we can't always predict what might be a problem in the future.

 

[MGibster]

There are other situations where you might be gaming with strangers in a public place. A while back, I encountered two players at my FLGS on game day who positively reeked of tobacco, marijuana, and little body odor. I'm not particularly sensitive to smells, but being around these two was overwhelming. I didn't need to be Daredevil to track them by scent. Thankfully, I wasn't running or playing anything that day, so I didn't have to deal with them. But if they had sat down at a game I was running, I would have had to tell them to excuse themselves. This isn't an easy converstation to have even under the best of circumstances. But at the game store, there's really no place to take them aside to have a private conversation. We could step away from the table at least, but we're not getting out of earshot of everyone in the store.