How do you tell someone that they smell?

[werk]

There are three problems at work here with one source.

In the Martial Arts (and other situations), I occasionally came into contact with some extremely virulent scent-causing bacteria, which was hard to eliminate.

1> It's on him. His soap may not be killing it off. In one particularly bad instance, I had to resort to spraying myself down with Lysol to kill it. While I can't recommend that, he might need to switch soaps.

2> It doesn't matter if you take 50 baths or showers a day if upon getting out, you simply 'repaint' yourself with the stuff by using the same crusty, bacteria ladden bath towel that you've been using for the last month. Wash it*, use a clean one.

3> It's in his clothing, his bedding, his chairs, his shower, everywhere. Clean up, wash everything*

* OXYCLEAN! Buy some and wash EVERYTHING. Clothes, bedding, towels, etc.

Get some Lysol and spray down the shower and all contact surfaces - door knobs, light switches, handles, faucets.

Get some Oust or something like that and spray off the furniture. Make sure to remove pets (or they'll be injured) and throw open the windows. Clean the carpet.

Very very good information right there. Also try antibacterial soaps and examine diet habits. You don't have to eat cabbage and radishes to smell funky from the inside out.

 

[Pyrex]

Has anyone ever actually told someone that they smelt before? As in, "You smell, can you please shower more often. Thanks."

Yes, yes I have. I got hosed on housing my last semester at college and ended up with a roommate with hygiene issues.

After a couple of days I could tell how long it had been since he'd been in the room by opening the door and taking a sniff.

By the end of the week I flat-out told him that given we had to share space he needed to shower daily and launder his clothing regularly. No threats, no jokes, just straight-up made my point.

He started showering.

 

[Aurora]

How do you stop yourself from smelling though? I brush my teeth, shower, wear clean clothes, the 9, but I just always seem to get really ripe say, at sundown. Its so noticable that I've been showering twice a day recently.
So if I can tell somebody is making an honest effort I never say anything. Its embarrassing to the extreme to tell someone off like that if you don't know the situation. The OP seems to suggest that this isn't really a body thing, though, its just a case of somebody letting themself go.

You need to talk to your doctor. Certain foods (with some people), drugs and medications and even medical conditons can cause BO. It could be a simple change needed and your problem will dissapear.


OP, I agree with mythusmage. Yeah, tell him he smells (be gentle) but try and help him treat the real problem=social phobia. Lord Zardoz is right your friend is merely a step from living with his parents. He doesn't work and stays home all the time except to game? Wow. He needs some help. Maybe it's time to have a real sit down with him if you truly care about him as a friend. After you have done that, some encouragement to decide what he really wants and for him to get some counseling. It may not work, but at least you'll know that you tried and can sleep better at night. JMHO. Good luck!

 

[Olaf the Stout]

I don't know if I would go so far as to say that he has a social phobia. Some people are just a little more hermity (if that's a word) than others. My friend probably lands more on the extreme side of that. The unit that he lives in is owned by his parents so I would say that he is barely 1 step removed from living with his parents.

As for only leaving the house to game, I think that may be an exaggeration. He still does his own grocery shopping and whatnot. I imagine that he visits his parents and his older sisters every once in a while too. It's not like he never leaves the house but he would spend most of his time there.

As for seeing him more outside of the game, there are a lot of friends that I would like to see more. However I work full-time, have only been married for a year or so, have just built a new house and play sport. Add to this the fact that he lives about 35 minutes away from me by car and doesn't drive himself.

He is a friend but at the same time I don't think it is my responsibility to "solve" any social issues that he may have. That may sound a little harsh but I think that people should take responsibility for their own lives. Also while some posters have said that he has a problem and needs help, from speaking to him he seems happy enough with the life that he's leading at the moment. Sure it is probably not how most people would choose to live but I think that it's his right to choose.

Olaf the Stout

 

[IndyPendant]

Just thought I'd toss in a few comments about the whole 'social phobia' angle. --Now, I'm not trying to say he *doesn't* have a social phobia, but it should not be assumed that he does. I would like to use myself as an example.

I am happily married, with a stepdaughter. I have been GMing a few campaigns from various game systems for 6.5 years now, meeting weekly online in the text-based program OpenRPG. At work, my coworkers generally seem to like me, and the feedback I get is that I do overwhelmingly good work. I am not socially inept, nor am I uncomfortable in social situations (except mildly and sporadically). I try to be as honest with and about myself as possible, and I am intelligent, well-adjusted, emotionally stable, and happy with my life. (And clean! I shower every day. : )

And I only very rarely interact with people socially, outside my immediate family.

Maybe once a month I'll go out on a social gathering, and while I enjoy myself some of the time, I find much of it tedious, boring, and exhausting. When the ordeal is over, I *need* quiet time to myself to 'recharge'. Except for my wife, I basically don't have friends--not in the true sense of the word. I go home from work, spend time with my wife and daughter, and that's about all the social interaction I have until I go back to work the next day. Same with weekends, except I get to spend more time with my family.

For a couple of years in my late teens/early twenties, I had a circle of friends that absolutely loved spending time with me. They'd call me up, talk to me, invite me to spend time with them, and I would have fun when I was with them. And yet, I began to get *very* stressed and irritable. Eventually, over a year or two, I figured out that I needed what I now call 'down time' that I just was not getting with all the demands on my time the socializing created. I ended up slowly and gently ending most of those friendships.

My wife accepts this about me, although she wishes other people could benefit from my friendship. She's constantly (but gently) trying to 'set me up' with guy friends. And it's not that I don't like the people I meet, or that I'm not interested in them as people, or that I'm afraid, or that I wish I could socialize but don't have the skills...

The motivation just isn't there.

*shrug* --I'm genuinely happy with my life; I don't feel like anything is 'lacking'. So I've just learned to accept that I'm fundamentally different from most people that way. Perhaps this friend of Olaf's is similar to me that way, just to even more of an extreme.

As to the odor problem, well, if he's anything like me, then if you were to sit him down one on one, talk to him gently and privately about it, and emphasize how much you don't want to hurt his feelings (that last only works btw if you genuinely mean it, and many of the posters in this thread would blow that caring test)...then he would feel awkward, embarrassed...and grateful that you would care enough to tell him so nicely, instead of dropping him or insulting him over it.

Just a few points for everyone here to consider. : )

 

[Olaf the Stout]

Just thought I'd toss in a few comments about the whole 'social phobia' angle. --Now, I'm not trying to say he *doesn't* have a social phobia, but it should not be assumed that he does. I would like to use myself as an example.

I am happily married, with a stepdaughter. I have been GMing a few campaigns from various game systems for 6.5 years now, meeting weekly online in the text-based program OpenRPG. At work, my coworkers generally seem to like me, and the feedback I get is that I do overwhelmingly good work. I am not socially inept, nor am I uncomfortable in social situations (except mildly and sporadically). I try to be as honest with and about myself as possible, and I am intelligent, well-adjusted, emotionally stable, and happy with my life. (And clean! I shower every day. : )

And I only very rarely interact with people socially, outside my immediate family.

Maybe once a month I'll go out on a social gathering, and while I enjoy myself some of the time, I find much of it tedious, boring, and exhausting. When the ordeal is over, I *need* quiet time to myself to 'recharge'. Except for my wife, I basically don't have friends--not in the true sense of the word. I go home from work, spend time with my wife and daughter, and that's about all the social interaction I have until I go back to work the next day. Same with weekends, except I get to spend more time with my family.

For a couple of years in my late teens/early twenties, I had a circle of friends that absolutely loved spending time with me. They'd call me up, talk to me, invite me to spend time with them, and I would have fun when I was with them. And yet, I began to get *very* stressed and irritable. Eventually, over a year or two, I figured out that I needed what I now call 'down time' that I just was not getting with all the demands on my time the socializing created. I ended up slowly and gently ending most of those friendships.

My wife accepts this about me, although she wishes other people could benefit from my friendship. She's constantly (but gently) trying to 'set me up' with guy friends. And it's not that I don't like the people I meet, or that I'm not interested in them as people, or that I'm afraid, or that I wish I could socialize but don't have the skills...

The motivation just isn't there.

*shrug* --I'm genuinely happy with my life; I don't feel like anything is 'lacking'. So I've just learned to accept that I'm fundamentally different from most people that way. Perhaps this friend of Olaf's is similar to me that way, just to even more of an extreme.

As to the odor problem, well, if he's anything like me, then if you were to sit him down one on one, talk to him gently and privately about it, and emphasize how much you don't want to hurt his feelings (that last only works btw if you genuinely mean it, and many of the posters in this thread would blow that caring test)...then he would feel awkward, embarrassed...and grateful that you would care enough to tell him so nicely, instead of dropping him or insulting him over it.

Just a few points for everyone here to consider. : )

I can definitely understand what you're saying IndyPendant. While not to the same extent as you, I too need to spend time by myself to "recharge" as you put it. My wife is quite the opposite of this. She needs to be around people and gets bored and lonely when she is all by herself.

My friend is probably more on the extreme side of where you and I are. Whether he doesn't get out much because he is socially inept and he feels embarassed in those situations or whether he just prefers his own company most of the time is debateable. However I definitely don't think that he needs "help" if he is happy with the situation.

The poor hygiene is a whole different issue which probably came along as a result of not getting out much. Not showing daily has probably just become routine for him now. That needs to be addressed because it is affecting myself, my wife and possibly the rest of the gaming group.

Olaf the Stout

 

[DerHauptman]

I have been on the receiving end of this one.

I had a friend tell me my breath was really bad once, I'm glad he did because I didn't really notice. I told him I brushed regularly and such and he said "Well, it smells like something died in your f&%$#@-ing mouth dude!"

So, I asked my wife...she agreed. (I asked why she didn't say anything - but that's another story) She said that she didn't say anything because she knew it wasn't a hygiene problem since she knew I took care of the choppers. She figured it was the new vitamins and garlic tablets I was taking for work.

Went to the dentist to figure out why and she told me that the bone where I had two implants put in (after getting hit in th face with a rifle in Panama) was beginning to go into necrosis. Also that the reason I didn't smell it myself was that the infection had spread to the bones in my sinus and was effecting my sense of smell. ( I thought the sinus pressure was from allergies since I had come back from overseas recently and there is always the readjustment period where I get colds and sinusitis from the rapid change in climates.

He sort of saved my life because the dentist told me that if I had waited till it hurt significantly the infection might have gotten so widespread that I'd either loose part of my facial bone or even die if the infections spread to my brain through the sinus tissue or bone.

It turned out to be a huge deal I had to take IV antibiotics for about a month. Walking around with a catheter and the whole 9 yards.

I am glad my buddy was honest with me and I bet your friend will be too.

Honesty is always the best deal. Be frank but nice and make it seem like you care about him and its effect on his life not the petty fact that his smell negatively effects you or the place he sits at your table.

Tell him you are just trying to look out for him so he doesn't embarrass himself further.

Then make it seem like a non-issue or condition of your friendship and invite him over sometime outside of gaming so he knows you care about him as a person and he will be welcome regardless - it will be a catalyst for change.

When he starts to make some changes regardless of whether those changes are just simple things others normally do out of habit complement him on it. Offer to go with him to go shopping, and get his hair cut get him a nail treatment or something as a gift (laugh all you want a manicure [without the polish I ain't that crazy] feels nice and the chicks are hot mostly! Complement him on his clothes if he gets new ones, his hair if he cuts It, etc..

Get him out to socialize, offer to go out with him, dress nice, set the positive example and wear cologne! Talk to people and chicks so he can see how it is done. Be positive about him listen and care. That is what brings people out of the cave.

If single invite chicks over for drinks and games if possible, have a party! Take him to a work party or function if possible introduce him around to some of your non-gaming friends, encourage him to make some of his own outside our incestuous geekdom.

If you are married remind your wife to complement him on his improvements - hearing it from a chick even someone else's' wife is good ego food.

Remember - regardless of how it may seem to an outsider, it is counter to human behavior to want to be alone. We are social creatures. Socialize him damn it!

This is how in the human intelligence business we turn people. We get them to feel good about themselves and bingo! They will do whatever it is you ask if you are the one who made them feel better after a long period of depression and loneliness. Change a mans life for the better and you'll have his loyalty for life my friend - life!

Regards,

DH

 

[ssampier]

Maybe once a month I'll go out on a social gathering, and while I enjoy myself some of the time, I find much of it tedious, boring, and exhausting. When the ordeal is over, I *need* quiet time to myself to 'recharge'. Except for my wife, I basically don't have friends--not in the true sense of the word. I go home from work, spend time with my wife and daughter, and that's about all the social interaction I have until I go back to work the next day. Same with weekends, except I get to spend more time with my family.
...

I can identify with a lot of what you're saying. However, I am single and don't really spend much time with family. Other than work, I really don't get out much. Then again I live in small town -- getting out means visiting family, friends, or going camping.

I shower on a daily basis, shave, and wear clean, decent clothes (usually dress shirt and dockers to work and polo shirt and nice jeans at home). I do well at work (I am looking for a better paying job). So I guess you could I am "stay-at-home" or hermity.

 

[Shatter]

Try getting your buddy to go out more often. Nothing much - go to a comic book movie, maybe on the premise of making fun of it. Slowly but surely, coax him into going out more and more often, even if it's just to your house to play video games. It's not healthy to be such a recluse, as this topic has clearly illustrated.

And about the 'addressing the smell', this is a kind of weaselly approach: After some sort of intro, segue into "...we've noticed that you kind of smell. We didn't want to hurt your feelings, but we figure you'd rather know than not. It's nothing personal, but you're my friend, and you should know."

I dunno. I'm just throwing something out there.

 

[BlueBlackRed]

Usually I would go with a blunt response, but only if the guy was a jerk.
And it doesnt sound like this is that kind of guy, so he may not handle it so well.

Be nice, diplomatic, and honest.

I knew a guy who was given the nickname "Nergal", and he earned it. But he wasn't a nice and quiet hermit. Everyone let him know that he reeked, but he claimed it was a psychological issue and expected everyone to deal.