How do you tell someone that they smell?

[Olaf the Stout]

Usually I would go with a blunt response, but only if the guy was a jerk.
And it doesnt sound like this is that kind of guy, so he may not handle it so well.

Be nice, diplomatic, and honest.

I knew a guy who was given the nickname "Nergal", and he earned it. But he wasn't a nice and quiet hermit. Everyone let him know that he reeked, but he claimed it was a psychological issue and expected everyone to deal.

A psychological issue! That's a good one. Was he psychologically allergic to showering?

And just to nitpick, "Nergal" is actually spelt Nurgle.

Olaf the Stout

 

[BlueBlackRed]

A psychological issue! That's a good one. Was he psychologically allergic to showering?

And just to nitpick, "Nergal" is actually spelt Nurgle.

Olaf the Stout

That is what he claimed. He would shower maybe once every three to four days, and change his underwear about as often. Oddly enough those two schedules didn't always match so he could be clean, but be wearing 4-day old undies.

It was all quite disgusting. You could tell if the guy was in the gamestore just from the smell in the air - 20 feet away through 2 rooms and 2 open doorways.

But the OP's guy sounds like he just isn't aware that he stinks because no one has told him. So it's an entirely different issue.

As for the spelling of Nurgle, eh. Not my system.

 

[dragonhead]

do it as my class does, someone yells "Funk check" and everyone smells them self. this causes every on to smell themselfs and the offending person goes to the bathroom. the offender cleans up and we continue. the offender also say sorry and thats the end of that.

 

[Ferret]

I figured that this would be the general response from a lot of people.

Has anyone ever actually told someone that they smelt before? As in, "You smell, can you please shower more often. Thanks."

And the last thing I would be worried about is him trying to attack me physically. His hand to eye co-ordination and his gross and fine motor skills are not exactly athlete level. Not to mention that I think my mother would be stronger than him.

Olaf the Stout

That is pretty much what I told some one, with the previso that I didn't mean it offensively. The guy I talk to wasn't too bright, and I think he just thought I was taking a pop at him so he ignored me. the thing is though you can smell him from across the room, its that bad

 

[Dark Jezter]

Maybe it's his cologne that's causing the smell?

 

[SteelDraco]

When I worked at a gaming store, we had this problem with a couple of people. Depending on how nice they were otherwise, and how well I knew them, I had a couple of different reactions. If they weren't people I knew, I would usually ignore it if it wasn't a real problem. You can't fix everyone, and if I offend somebody, they're not going to buy anything.

Some people would get the air freshener - we had a bottle of air freshener, and I'd spray it around the store (not at them, but where they'd been) while they were still in there. I always thought this was kind of rude, but then, they were bringing in their stink, which is more rude. But it also is a good indication that you stink. The problem was that the ones who didn't realize they stank weren't going to catch something like that.

I only told people they stank twice in the five years I worked there.

Once, it was a very unpleasant gentleman, who obviously had no social skills at all. Some people were playing Magic in the back, and one of them came up to me and asked me to deal with the guy. He was a big guy, and obviously hadn't bathed or washed his clothes in some time. The funk was extraordinary, and he was sitting in back, having sat down at their table without invitation, and talking about their cards, the game, et cetera while they were playing. The level of creepy and stinky, however, made action necessary. I asked to speak with him, and told him that he was bothering the other customers, and making them uncomfortable. He'd either need to leave the store or leave them alone. He got offended, and left. I didn't mind, and neither did the (paying) customers in the store.

The other time was kinda depressing. During the summer, the store often ends up as a babysitter for some of the local kids. This particular kid was maybe ten, and stank to high heaven. It wasn't B.O. - he smelled like a wet dog. Badly. It got to the point where none of the players were nice to him, since he stank so badly. He came up to me, really depressed, and asked why nobody was nice to him. I decided to bite the bullet, and tell him - he wasn't a bad kid, and would have been welcomed if his stench didn't make people want to leave the store.

"Well," I said. "It's probably because you don't smell very good. Do you have a dog?"
"Yeah," he says. "My dad gave him to me. I play with him all the time."
"I know. You smell like it. And that's probably why people aren't very nice to you."

I had a longer conversation with the kid, and it ended up that he had to do all his own laundry - his dad was never around - and didn't really know how. I gave him some instructions, and asked him to take a shower and put on clean clothes before he came back, and see how people treated him.

Unfortunately, I didn't see the kid again after that. After I stopped working there, I heard he came back again (about a year later), and didn't stink any more. Which made me feel better about the whole thing. I had worried about being too mean.

 

[Olaf the Stout]

I have been on the receiving end of this one.

I had a friend tell me my breath was really bad once, I'm glad he did because I didn't really notice. I told him I brushed regularly and such and he said "Well, it smells like something died in your f&%$#@-ing mouth dude!"

So, I asked my wife...she agreed. (I asked why she didn't say anything - but that's another story) She said that she didn't say anything because she knew it wasn't a hygiene problem since she knew I took care of the choppers. She figured it was the new vitamins and garlic tablets I was taking for work.

Went to the dentist to figure out why and she told me that the bone where I had two implants put in (after getting hit in th face with a rifle in Panama) was beginning to go into necrosis. Also that the reason I didn't smell it myself was that the infection had spread to the bones in my sinus and was effecting my sense of smell. ( I thought the sinus pressure was from allergies since I had come back from overseas recently and there is always the readjustment period where I get colds and sinusitis from the rapid change in climates.

He sort of saved my life because the dentist told me that if I had waited till it hurt significantly the infection might have gotten so widespread that I'd either loose part of my facial bone or even die if the infections spread to my brain through the sinus tissue or bone.

It turned out to be a huge deal I had to take IV antibiotics for about a month. Walking around with a catheter and the whole 9 yards.

I am glad my buddy was honest with me and I bet your friend will be too.

Honesty is always the best deal. Be frank but nice and make it seem like you care about him and its effect on his life not the petty fact that his smell negatively effects you or the place he sits at your table.

Tell him you are just trying to look out for him so he doesn't embarrass himself further.

Then make it seem like a non-issue or condition of your friendship and invite him over sometime outside of gaming so he knows you care about him as a person and he will be welcome regardless - it will be a catalyst for change.

When he starts to make some changes regardless of whether those changes are just simple things others normally do out of habit complement him on it. Offer to go with him to go shopping, and get his hair cut get him a nail treatment or something as a gift (laugh all you want a manicure [without the polish I ain't that crazy] feels nice and the chicks are hot mostly! Complement him on his clothes if he gets new ones, his hair if he cuts It, etc..

Get him out to socialize, offer to go out with him, dress nice, set the positive example and wear cologne! Talk to people and chicks so he can see how it is done. Be positive about him listen and care. That is what brings people out of the cave.

If single invite chicks over for drinks and games if possible, have a party! Take him to a work party or function if possible introduce him around to some of your non-gaming friends, encourage him to make some of his own outside our incestuous geekdom.

If you are married remind your wife to complement him on his improvements - hearing it from a chick even someone else's' wife is good ego food.

Remember - regardless of how it may seem to an outsider, it is counter to human behavior to want to be alone. We are social creatures. Socialize him damn it!

This is how in the human intelligence business we turn people. We get them to feel good about themselves and bingo! They will do whatever it is you ask if you are the one who made them feel better after a long period of depression and loneliness. Change a mans life for the better and you'll have his loyalty for life my friend - life!

Regards,

DH

Not to make light of your medical problems DerHauptman, but what you described sounds almost exactly like what happened in the episode of "House" that I watched last night. The guy had an infected jaw. It happened when he broke it months earlier. The only way that they figured it out was because he was using a lot of Tic Tacs and had really bad breath. It was strange. I even told my wife how the exact same thing happened to a guy in the thread that I had started about my friend smelling.

Olaf the Stout

 

[Olaf the Stout]

Maybe it's his cologne that's causing the smell?

I knew I should have gotten him something else for Christmas. It seemed like such a good idea at the time!

Olaf the Stout

 

[Olaf the Stout]

When I worked at a gaming store, we had this problem with a couple of people. Depending on how nice they were otherwise, and how well I knew them, I had a couple of different reactions. If they weren't people I knew, I would usually ignore it if it wasn't a real problem. You can't fix everyone, and if I offend somebody, they're not going to buy anything.

Some people would get the air freshener - we had a bottle of air freshener, and I'd spray it around the store (not at them, but where they'd been) while they were still in there. I always thought this was kind of rude, but then, they were bringing in their stink, which is more rude. But it also is a good indication that you stink. The problem was that the ones who didn't realize they stank weren't going to catch something like that.

I only told people they stank twice in the five years I worked there.

Once, it was a very unpleasant gentleman, who obviously had no social skills at all. Some people were playing Magic in the back, and one of them came up to me and asked me to deal with the guy. He was a big guy, and obviously hadn't bathed or washed his clothes in some time. The funk was extraordinary, and he was sitting in back, having sat down at their table without invitation, and talking about their cards, the game, et cetera while they were playing. The level of creepy and stinky, however, made action necessary. I asked to speak with him, and told him that he was bothering the other customers, and making them uncomfortable. He'd either need to leave the store or leave them alone. He got offended, and left. I didn't mind, and neither did the (paying) customers in the store.

The other time was kinda depressing. During the summer, the store often ends up as a babysitter for some of the local kids. This particular kid was maybe ten, and stank to high heaven. It wasn't B.O. - he smelled like a wet dog. Badly. It got to the point where none of the players were nice to him, since he stank so badly. He came up to me, really depressed, and asked why nobody was nice to him. I decided to bite the bullet, and tell him - he wasn't a bad kid, and would have been welcomed if his stench didn't make people want to leave the store.

"Well," I said. "It's probably because you don't smell very good. Do you have a dog?"
"Yeah," he says. "My dad gave him to me. I play with him all the time."
"I know. You smell like it. And that's probably why people aren't very nice to you."

I had a longer conversation with the kid, and it ended up that he had to do all his own laundry - his dad was never around - and didn't really know how. I gave him some instructions, and asked him to take a shower and put on clean clothes before he came back, and see how people treated him.

Unfortunately, I didn't see the kid again after that. After I stopped working there, I heard he came back again (about a year later), and didn't stink any more. Which made me feel better about the whole thing. I had worried about being too mean.

The second situation sounded like a tough one SteelDraco, especially considering the poor kid's family life. I imagine that I wouldn't have smelt too good either if I had to wash my own clothes when I was 10. I think that you did the right thing though, especially since he did come back in the end. Tough love is difficult but it's often the best way to go.

Olaf the Stout

 

[frankthedm]

When I worked at a gaming store, we had this problem with a couple of people. Depending on how nice they were otherwise, and how well I knew them, I had a couple of different reactions. If they weren't people I knew, I would usually ignore it if it wasn't a real problem. You can't fix everyone, and if I offend somebody, they're not going to buy anything.

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