How to deal with goblins

[demiurge1138]

Intimidation and trickery will work better than kindness and charity to these guys. Rewards will also work - gold and food (the weirder the better), good weapons and armor, maybe even some minor magics (nothing that can be used against you, mind - a few healing potions or skill-elixers at best). The goblins already have a heirarchy, so the idea of equality probably will chafe them, especially the ones on top of the heap. The religious conversion idea has some merit, but they'll probably just focus on the parts of the ideology they like (smiting the wicked) than the actually pertinent ones (the aforementioned kindness and charity).

Demiurge out.

 

[GreatLemur]

Issues of practicality and morality aside, this just sounds freaking awesome (and also probably hilarious).

I think--as D&D's mechanics often encourage--it sounds like people are getting wrapped up in the whole issue of aligment, and the idea of evil as some deep, intrinsic, and, in not immutable, then very stubborn trait. I'd suggest that what a creature is is less important than what it does. Carrot-and-stick the little buggers until they can remember that you're the boss, and give them (rigidly enforced) rules of conduct. Who cares what they're like on the inside as long as they can be counted on not to murder people you don't want murdered?

Paizo goblins aren't particularly driven by ideology, but they sure are driven by hunger. This should make them reasonably easy to control as long as you can feed them, but the expense involved might be a bigger worry than the alignments.

 

[roguerouge]

Well, the interesting thing is that if the goblins are "by the book" then they'd be LE in alignment... which makes for an interesting mix with a CG captain... While the captain wants to treat them well and give them "freedoms", they would probably respond better to harsh rules to which individual rights are unimportant...

Actually, looking at the 3.5 MM, they're "usually Neutral Evil."

 

[Moon_Goddess]

Well, the interesting thing is that if the goblins are "by the book" then they'd be LE in alignment... which makes for an interesting mix with a CG captain... While the captain wants to treat them well and give them "freedoms", they would probably respond better to harsh rules to which individual rights are unimportant...

uh.... goblins "by the book" arn't LE, they're listed as Neutral Evil. Kobolds are LE, Goblins NE and Orcs CE

 

[Virel]

Well the bard sounds like a classic "liberal" with the goblins are people too mantra. The DM should be able to really have some fun with this.

My advice to the Bard is buy a whip, use it often and don't tolerate back talk, not matter how hard that is. Once they understand your the boss, then you might be able to lighten up a little. Remember, you doing the Tough Love for their benefit because if one (or more or all) turns on you someone is doing to die.

 

[Tonguez]

All the bard has to do is walk up to the biggest meanest goblin in the bunch and make a big show of beating him to a pulp (cutting his head off and wearing it on her belt would help but is probably too evil for her sensibilities)

The goblins will kowtow to this. Afterwards its a case of being a strict disciplinarian even to the point of draconian.

Trust me I know - I'm a teacher and deal with goblins every day

 

[MarkB]

Does anyone think it's possible to "humanely train" goblins to be a non-murderous, non-mutinous crew or is this girl too good for her own good?

I think the thing your character would need to ask herself is "If these were human murderous, vicious pirates, would I really be trying to reform them, or would I be bringing them to justice?" Take their species out of the equation and just consider what you'd do with any bunch of evil criminals.

 

[kaomera]

Does anyone think it's possible to "humanely train" goblins to be a non-murderous, non-mutinous crew or is this girl too good for her own good?

Oh. My. Goodness.

One: This is AWESOME!

(Wolfwood2 has the right of it: Ask thine DM! However, I will not let this stop me from commenting further...)

Two: You should be able to train them to be "good", and "non-mutinous" should be entirely doable, just make sure that you are the "Alpha Goblin", and that the current holder of that title is made quite aware that he is now (at best) your second. Oh, and this is just not going to end well, you do know that right? You're going to find a ring in the otherwise quite delicious stew they've cooked up one night, and the Goblins will be quite startled if you're upset... "But Boss... That wassa BAD Elfs we cooked!" (Because, yeah, "non-murderous" is pretty much out of the question, IMO, but at least you can get them to only kill and eat the bad-guys, right?)

 

[Tonguez]

I think the thing your character would need to ask herself is "If these were human murderous, vicious pirates, would I really be trying to reform them, or would I be bringing them to justice?" Take their species out of the equation and just consider what you'd do with any bunch of evil criminals.

But you can't take the species out of the equation!

"Humans is murderous if they kill humans but they kill orcs and goblins and is called heroes

So goblins is murderous if they kills and eats goblins

cows don't call humans muderous for eating steak so why shouldn't goblins eat elf?"

 

[krissbeth]

These answers are great! (And a lot of the responses have made me laugh too.)

I'm thinking about hiring a cook for the ship. "Well behaved" goblins who follow orders and don't try to kill the ship's cat will be given meat for their meals. Everyone else will get rice and beans. Perhaps the way to a goblin's heart is through his stomach?

Plus, I can try out bluffing, "Sure, that's baby. Baby tastes just like ham."
*serves ham*

But perhaps that'll just encourage the fine goblin tradition of baby eating.

"No, it's not baby, but ham tastes just like baby and has half the calories/sodium/annoying small bones that get stuck in your throat! ...Don't eat babies."