[Humor] News in the Realms !!! Headlines....

Rashak Mani

First Post
( I did this once when 3.0 came out... so here we go to 3.5)

From the Daily Realms Reporter:

Everywhere in the Realms strange reports have surfaced of increased alcoholism among Wizards and Sorcerors. Many report that they dont feel the "speed" anymore. That they feel slow and that their casting is way slower than before. Some are reported as deppressive and are being subjected to local clerics of Shrink.

Magical authorities and the Mages Guild refuse to comment thou rumors abound about some "haste" problems.

Justice: Elsewhere adventurers have sued the Clerics of Kord Temple for wrongful spellcasting. Apparently they paid for a whole days worth of "buff" spells and returned a few minutes later very upset with the local priests.

Sports: New events in the sports arena have taken the basketball league to ban spell usage totally. Apparently some new spell was making it too easy to get very big players. Even being very clumsy these magically enhanced players were dunking with too much ease. One player complained of their "reach".

Culture: After having found new skills in the musical and storytelling areas there has been a great demand for places Gnomes might make presentations. Some are converting their workshops full of mechanical devices into theatres and entertainment establishments.

Economics: The recent boom in weapons sales have broken all records. Silvered weapons are being produced in record numbers and there is an incredible demand for the previously unwanted Cold Iron weapons. Of the normal material weapons the Kukris and Longspears are also in high demand. New customers mentioned that these weapons required a lot of training before. Apparently their use is now much easier.

Social: Dwarves adventurers have suddenly become much more common than before in the Realms. They also seem to be walking faster than they did before in full armour. In a recent tavern brawl humans were complaining of the difficulty of knocking down the ever more present dwarven adventurers.

Military: A recent parade was canceled when cavalry officers tried to line up horsemen for the parade.

"We rehearsed to go down the streets all lined up. Six horses side by side.... but this morning we could barely fit three - four horses in the main avenue." said the Captain of the Guard.

Crime: Paladins in the Temple of Heironeous yesterday pleaded not guilty to the accusations of animal mistreatment. Seems that several of their mounts have been dissapearing after a few hours of riding. One paladin even alleged that they were not animals but magical beasts. The Society for the Protection of Animals was not amused at the attempt of evading justice.


Other news to be posted below ... :)
 
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Entertainment: The "Illusionsists secrets Revealed" Travelling show, in which a masked gnome shows how gnomes have been pulling off the rabbits-from-hats type of ventures for years has caused a massive backlash and has driven most gnomes of the illusionary persuasion into hiding.
 
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In our local report an interview with Blacksmith John Smith that has recently been very busy forging a very different type of weapon:

"So Mr. Smith we have been told that your smithy has only been smithing Curved Daggers lately ?"

"Not curved dagger. Kukri ! There is a difference."

"Kukri ? Ah ! Interesting. Where did you learn to make Kokri ?"

"Kukri ! Not Kokri... well never mind. I recently came from a smithy convention and there were these tribesmen who had these curved blades. They showed me how to forge em."

"Why this recent increase in sales thou ?"

"Well it seems that they included Kukri 101 in Fighter school, dont really know why it wasnt included before. I used to sell one or two a year. Now every fighter and ranger wants one. Something about criticals..."

"Do you think its a good weapon ?"

"It is ! It really used to attract girls attentions.... being exotic and all.... but now its just another martial weapon. It cant be thrown thou... and the rogues never buy any from me for that reason."

"Do you make any special models ?"

"I used to do them with silver and sometimes the ocassional adamantine... but it was more for show. There have been many adventurers asking for cold iron, silver, adamantine and lawful (whatever that is).... but I am too busy covering just basic demand. So I told them they shouldnt bother me with fruitcake weapons full of different materials... what is wrong with good steel ? I do miss forging a good normal longsword... tired of these curved blades."

"Thank you Mr. Smith"
 

In other news, there was heated debate last night at the local Ranger's Guild when the entire Drizzt Fan Club (representing nearly half of the rangers) staged a walk out. Tamara "Twinkle" Duskmoon led the protest, complaining that rangers were becoming only second-class fighters.

Tamara's school of two weapon fighting (which promises that anyone can learn how to slay 1,000 orcs with just 30 days training!) has, up until recently, been doing a brisk business. However, the guild has complained that many of her students do not pay union dues and soon return to their previous careers after taking advantage of the guild's secret training methods.

The guild chief of local 327 had this to say: "Rangers were and always will be hunters, trackers and scouts. I'm tired of seeing rangers who can't recognize basic flora and fauna, who spend more time in cities and dungeons than in the forest, and who would be hard pressed to spot a deer from a hundred paces, much less hit it with an arrow. Tamara needs to get over her dark elf fixation and learn how to use a proper bow!"

More on this story as it develops...

Balsamic Dragon
 

Follow up on the Ranger's Legolas Fan Club have shown that the number of wounded rangers attempting a very improbable bow trick have increased significantly.

Apparently they were trying to fire 2 arrows at the same time... a trick know as Many Shot. Someone mentioned it was standard Ranger fare now... and then proceeded to have their fingers sliced off or their hands run thru attempting the outrageous Many Shot.
 

DATELINE: Cormyrean Stonelands
Rangers everywhere reported their shock and dismay when it was recently revealed that all Ogres have appeared to suddenly quadruple in size.

"Damndest thing I ever did see," Commented one Mr. F. Falconhand, of Shadowdale. One second, I'm beating the tar out of an ogre, the next minute he acted like puberty kicked in! Scared the wits outta my horse!" (Mr. Falconhand also reported later changes in his horse, as well.)

Other sightings have included fatter dragons, wider snakes, and enlarged giant spiders.

Most adventurers in the area could not be reached for comment - but we will have that story update as soon as the appropriate spells are ready to interview the corpses.
 
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