I need Elf jokes!


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Gez

First Post
Not a joke per se, but still an argument that may be appropriate for one of these "I'm a superior race" elves:

From boards.wizards.com:

Elves, all things considered, reactionnary. They reject change, innovation, and novelty, which are seen as threats and agressions. This reject is not a carefully, all-things-put-in-the-balance, rejection -- it's irrational, gut-instinct reaction, new=bad, period.

Their reactionnary mindset shows in:

Nostalgia. It was better before. Convinced that the world goes to hell, that the old ways (who were, by definition, superior) are forgotten or perverted, and that everything now is but a shallow reflect of the glorious, obviously glorious old times; they live in the past. An idealized past. Back in the days, wondrous, awe-inspiring mythals were everywhere. The folks lived in peace and harmony, magic and culture blossomed, the world was healthier and the grass greener.

Resentment. Things now are awful, but that's the fault of these foreign devils. The races of elf, human, dwarf, gnome and hin lived in peace and were happy under the just, enlightened, benevolent and wise rulership of our admirable Coronals, until, sadly, we trusted them too much and allowed them in our country (rather than friendily shooting all tresspassers on sight). Oh, blessed Seldarine, what folly have we made ? All Hells break loose, and the traitors we called our friend destroyed everything we have achieved; jalous of our grandeur, and unable to rivalize, they preferred to undermine the wonders of elfcraft, by their mere presence. We tried to avoid the worse by massacring them all without mercy, but it was too late. May these demons be cursed !

Isolationnism. When you don't want to acknowledge the changes, and you don't think you can fight it, the only option is to flee. Flee to another, pure, world, uncontaminated by the insidious presence of those that don't think like you. The elves had Evermeet for that, and the other folk should be thankful for the existance of that island, because otherwise, the will to start anew is synonym to genocide (like Chinese Great Jump Forward or the red khmer's mass murder of 1/3 their country's population). As the old world was profaned by the foul presence of these damn subelven hords, breeding like rodents and even more destructive, we had no choice but flee to the safety of Evermeet, the promised land, the Torilian Paradise. There, in our exile, we would wait until the parasitic infestation, deprived of the Light coming from our Grandeur, kill themselves and die all to the last. Then, only then, we could go back to Faerûn and heal the poor land. Meanwhile, we would revel in our beauty and safekeep our magnificent sacred traditions, without any corrupting outsider influence.

Scapegoatism. We pose the postulate that the world is going on its doom. Why ? because it was better before, and things continue to go worse because they can't go better, since change can't be to the better, only blind and total obedience to the ancestral tradition is good, remember. We also pose the postulate that it's the bloody stranger's fault, that's obvious, they're not like us, so they're responsible for everything that goes bad (and everything goes bad because it was better before). Naturally, if the perturbative elements (non-elves) are removed, things will stop to get worse. So, killing non-elves will save the world. Eldeth Veluuthra ! Victorious blade of the People, lead us to the destruction of the Not-People devils ! From their shed foul blood, green forests will grow high and strong ! May the Seldarine bless us in this most holy quest against Evil aliens !

The elves never miss the opportunity of claiming their suporiority above everyone. They are especially contemptuous of humans, and always reminds them of things like "We were already building flying crystal castle when you were wearing crude bear skin and hid in caves, hurling feces at each others". That's because their alignment is not chaotic good, but lawful loser.

Were they not so snuck-up in their idea everything was better before, fate is unfair toward their absolute perfection, and that's all the fault of human, they would recognize the fact.

And the fact is, they're a senile race. Great irony, isn't it ? While the individual elves are ageless, their collective unconscious is senile. Their neurons have hardened and can't bend now, only shatter. Their mind is old, rusted, crippled. They claim they could build flying crystal castle before ? Well, why can't they now ? They forgot all their wonders, because they're old, aged, and dying. They have all but themselves to blame for that, their stubborn grumpiness is what accelerate their decline.

But it's so easier, when you're old, at death's door, suffering from Alzheimer memory troubles, and Parkinson muscular control troubles, to remind the young healthy adults you have seen them in diapers and wetting their bed. It's so easier to close your mind and refuse to see the real decadence than to accept to see the fact and change your ways...

Now, it's the elves who are in diapers, as their sphincter control is dead, they move in wheelchair, and spend their days in bed, watching soap-operas and insulting the nurse who comes to empty the pot.

And everyone find they are cool. They aren't. They would be if they were chaotic good as they are supposed to.
 

Gez

First Post
Why don't elves sleep and dream ?

Because they dream when they are awake, thinking they are great and mighty heroes. (By the way, rêverie is really only a word for daydream).
 

Thresher

First Post
What do you call a party of elves entombed in the Temple of elemental evil?

A good start

Whats the difference between a cart full of rocks and a cart full of elves?

You cant unload a cart full of rocks with a pitchfork
 


Gunslinger

First Post
Not a joke, but a damn funny quote from 8-Bit Theater:

"Yeah, we're real scared of elves! I hope they don't prance around with honey dew and frolick amonsgt the gumdrop trees."

-Black Mage
 


Mathew_Freeman

First Post
How many elves does it take to light a torch?

Two, one to light a torch, the other to compose an epic ballad about why the torch had to be lit, so that future generations can remember this proud day in the history of elven kind.
 

Sixchan

First Post
Gez said:
Not a joke per se, but still an argument that may be appropriate for one of these "I'm a superior race" elves:


You know, I've never thought of having Nazi elves in a campaign. If I ever do a modern version of a fantasy setting, this could offset all the tree-huggin' hippie elves! Ooo...
 


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