I'm Sad

[Knightfall]

Hey all,

I'm in the middle are dark depressing funk right now. Life has been kicking me in the "nads" or several years now. I've been on medical welfare for over two years and have been strugggling to lose weight and improve my overall health. I've been fighting chronic depression for years and, lately, it just started to feel like I was winning.

However, all that changed last month. My brother, Dale, died last month. His heart failed while he was driving home from work one day His truck went off the road, through a hedge and a fence, then struck the edge of a building and then slammed into a car. He was in a coma for a week and suffered massive brain damage. He was 44.

His tragic death has hit my family hard, especially my mother. He was her first born and very special to her. I've never seen her as emotional as she's been over the last month and a half. I'd seen her cry but I'd never seen her sob uncontrollably. It was almost more than I could take when it happened.

Now, while my dad wasn't his biological father he did adopted Dale at a young age, after my mother and him got married. My dad and my brother were astranged from each other for a long time, as my brother put my dad through a lot when he was growing up. Dale was the first to admit his responsibility in their feud but had hoped that my dad would come around, eventually.

My sister and I live together and have had our own difficulties in the past. However, we worked them out and we were just beginning to learn to accept out brother's presence in our lives again. You see, Dale took off to California over 10 to 15 years ago and had been living there (illegally) up until about 2-1/2 years ago. Before that he'd already had moved out on his own, while I was growing up in Forestburg, Alberta.

I has grown up admiriing him, not realizing how much of a "lovable bastard" he truly was. I was simply a little brother looking up to his "big bro". He had tormented my sister growing up and they had also had there differences later on in life. It had been very hard for her to accept him back into the family, as she (and my mother) had believed that he had died in California. (He didn't call or write during a 10 year gap.)

Now, he has passed on to the next world and my sister and my mother have to go through this all over again. My dad has shown great emotion while remaining stoic in his overall view of life. (He and my mother are divorced. Her new husband is NOT my favorite person in the world.)

As for me, the title of the thread says it all. I am so torn up inside I don't know what to do. I know Dale would be the first to say that life goes on and that you just have to keep trying to live life. So far, I'm doing the best I can. Yet, it still feels like I'm only going through the motions.

I can cry and I can remember the good things about him, but I have always been unable to let "the pain of life" go. I still cling to the pain of growing up and being alone because a inner part of me feels that "I need my pain" in order to be complete. However, the pain has become all consuming, at times, leading to an "inner anger" that comes out in waves of grief, rage, frustration, despair, and lonliness.

I worry that this pain will be the straw that break my back of hope for the future. How do I get back to be a productive member of society when I can barely make it through the day without shutting down into a fetal ball of overwrought emotions?

I need good thoughts, for I seem to have none right now. Thus, send me your well-wishes and condolances. And if anyone knows any good, clean jokes then feel free to post them here to help lift my spirits.

With regards,

Robert Blezard, a.k.a. Knightfall1972
Edmonton, Alberta
Canada

p.s. I am around in other threads, but I haven't been posting as much lately, which is to be expected. (Off to bed I go!)

 

[Angel Tarragon]

Sorry to hear of your loss. I hope things get better for you. I'll say a special prayer for you and your family tonight.

I don't know if you want to hear this, but happiness has to come from within. Once you can be happy with yourself, your enitre life does change. I know, I was in a funk from '91 to '03. Thats is a long time. I finally came to realize that my depression came from wanting to be happy before seeing other people happy. I'm no longer like that.

I have come to accept my station in life and that the only way to better it is to have to want to make it better. Change doesn't happen to you. Change is what haapens when you accept where you are and the desire to change it.

Spirituality is what helped me. I let it fill my life. Everything became as clear as day to me. I accept where I am now, and know that my future is bright. I live for the now, because there is no certainty that the future exists. Our future is what we make it.

I hope this helps.

 

[Spell]

i'm sorry for you. it's not the best time for me, too, but at least nobody is dead (and hopefully nobody will).

i don't know if i can say anything to make you feel better. however important your brother was for you and your family, don't forget to pay attention to another very important person in your life: you. i think that you will find the strength to react. try not to focus too much on your grief, if that's possible.

i hope you will cheer up again soon

 

[Queen_Dopplepopolis]

I am sorry to hear about the loss of your brother and your continuing funk, Robert. I can't do much - but here's an e-hug.

::hugs::

 

[devilbat]

Hey Rob,

I'm so sorry to here of your loss, and ongoing tough times. I wish I had the magic words that could help you with any of your situations. It must be horrible going through so many things all at once. The only thing I can say to you may seem simplistic but think about it for a while, and it may sink in.

You can do it.

No more, no less. We all have faith in you.

 

[BiggusGeekus]

Rob, you are in my thoughts. The only advice I can offer is that in the past I've turned to exercise to work through stuff. It's healthy for your bod and it wears you out, so sleeping is easier.

And if anyone knows any good, clean jokes then feel free to post them here to help lift my spirits.

Hmmmmmmmmm.


A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger."

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says, “Dam!"

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have
your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The
other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand
chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to
his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that
she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're
twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened
up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers
from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was
unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He
went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival
florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to
"persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their
store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did
so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad
breath. This made him ..... (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....A
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them
laugh. No pun in ten did.

 

[BlackSilver]

My condolences about the passing of your brother, the passing of a loved one is never an easy thing to deal with. Life is about birth, living to your utmost, passing on your life’s energy to others, and then leaving this existence to the next plane. We will all follow that course.

Your brother’s departure (not his passing) from the family was his choice. The ill feelings he might have left behind in your Dad should be a lesson to us all about the need to repair relationships to never leave things unsaid. Again, I am sorry for the passing of your brother.

About your obvious signs of depression, that is its own battle, so many people are affected by it, so know that you are not alone. Unfortunately fighting depression is solo fight, most people that fight it can’t ask for help because they think that they are alone. You are not alone. Your true friends will seek you out with the passing of your brother and help you through this time, use this time to reaffirm and strengthen your relationship with them. Talk to them, tell them of your depression, and seek physical contact (a hug, hand shake, pat on the shoulder, etc.) from them and your family. This kind of contact will help your fight.

Something else that helps with depression- open blinds and shades- you need more light, go to the park and watch kids laugh and play, make a schedule and stick to it, and last thing- if you can afford it try to get a massage, the movement of stalled energy will help you to feel better. Giving blood, volunteering at a shelter, or at a hospital can help you fight depression as well. I know it seems hard to think about things like this, but there is a part of you that wants out from under the weight of that depression (otherwise you would not have called out), use that part of yourself to do something positive.

 

[Knightfall]

I am sorry to hear about the loss of your brother and your continuing funk, Robert. I can't do much - but here's an e-hug.

::hugs::

Thanks for the Hug, Queen D. I needed that.

Thanks to eveyone, so far, for your kind words. BiggusGeekus, those jokes were funny, not all of them were "great" but they lifted my spirits.

And I know that when it comes to depression that it is my fight and no one else's. I've known that for years. It's a pain in the butt, mostly, but lately, of course, it has been more so.

And just writing about what I've been going through, her on EN World, helped me get out some of the emotions building up inside. That is why I did it. To help with the release. (I consider EN World my home on the Net and my fellow EN Worlders to be my e-neighbours and friends.)

Later,

KF72

p.s. Now to check out the latest NHL free agency news...

 

[devilbat]

p.s. Now to check out the latest NHL free agency news...

And God bless you for it!

 

[DaveStebbins]

Robert, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. As you probably know already, grief can only be dealt with on an individual basis and on its own timetable; we cannot control how long or how deeply we will feel it. The best we can do is believe and hope that grief and grief-related depression will pass soon, and eventually it will, for you and your family.

Best wishes to you and yours.
-Dave