Insults!

[redboxrazor]

I was recently invited to play in a 4E group in my area amongst some new friends, and I've decided to play a bard.

I really love the flavor of the Vicious Mockery power, but I want to add a bit of a cool factor to it by blurting out harsh insults whenever I use it.

So, what are some appropriate insults for my Gnome Bard to fling around. Generic ones would be best, so that I can apply them to any type of creature in (or out) of combat. I'm dying to hear what you guys come up with!

 

[Diamond Cross]

Turnip hating scum your ankles are mine!

 

[Nifft]

When my Wizard first took Illusory Ambush, I decided that it caused an attack penalty by forcing the target to hear an illusion of its mother criticizing its behavior, hairstyle, marital status, and/or occupation.

To an Ettin, the illusory voice said "I always liked your OTHER head better". (Yes, to both heads, at the same time. I was counting on neither head being particularly bright.)

Cheers, -- N

 

[fba827]

generic insults are hard since what insults one person/creature might not insult another. it's easier to have insults based on the specific person, or at least their culture. (i.e. telling a dwarf that his beard lacks substance or that he fights like an elf, etc).

But to keep it to the realm of generic, i guess stuff like

"you fight like a coward"
"your face is stupid"
"i got your nose"
"idiot"
"fatso" / "skinny"
"fey"
"Even my mother could have out manuevered that hit"
"It's obvious you are outmatched"
"Egads, all this time I thought you were a woman"
"Does your overlord know how much you suck?"
"you lack the grace of a true swordsman"
"your shoes are SO last season"
"with aim like that i would swear you were a cyclops"
"your hide cannot withstand my blade but at least it will make a fine rug"

...

and so on...
just got to know what would be a sensitive topic for that person or culture and pick at that.. it can be a give at intelligence, fighting skill, quality of their stony hide, fashion sense, etc.

or you could just go for silly random stuff that would throw them off guard as much as an insult would (see "I got your nose" suggestion above which would just as ammusing coming from a gnome bard ).

 

[AFGNCAAP]

Here's a few (being in such a dilemma myself):

• "Why are you here, again? You make insignificance look important in comparison...."
• "Let me guess, you were picked last to join the war party?"
• "You should just surrender now. You'd have less of a reputation as an utter failure if you did."
• "I'd explain how we easily could defeat you, but then again I'm not even sure you can understand simple sentences...."
• "I look much more menacing and threatening compared to you, and I'm a gnome!"
• "Who's your daddy? I'm certainly not, if your mother looks anything like you...."
• "A minion is a more menacing solo than you...." (metahumor)
• "I think I know whom rancid cesspools got the idea to smell bad from...."
• "I'd taunt you, but that would be cruel. I couldn't bear the thought of causing your death because you had to think on what I'm saying instead of remembering how to breathe."
• "At least the pathetic can look forward to not being you...."
• "I'm so powerful, I can kill you by hurting your feelings...."
• "You're not much of a professional. Not much of an amateur, either."
• "Your mere existence is an vile insult to reality itself."
• "You're not worth being forgotten about."
• "I'd get more XP from character creation than I would from defeating you." (metahumor again)
• "The words escape me. Then again, I'm sure words are a brand-new concept for one such as you."
• "You seem the lonesome sort. I'm sure no one would dare claim you as family or friend."
• "I'd kill you, but then (the death god[dess]) would hate me for handing you over to him/her/it."
• "You can't even kill time right!" (tip o' the hat to Record of Lodoss War)
• "I'm still drunk, aren't I? I couldn't possibly be fighting such a pathetic being such as you...."
• "Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries!" (MP&tHG ref, of course)

 

[redboxrazor]

I was laughing out loud through some of those. How perfectly awesome.

And fba827, you're right that specifically-tailored insults are best, and I intend to come up with some on the fly. Everything suggested here gives me more ammo/ideas to work with. : )

I also love the idea of having the voice of a creature's mother ridicule him.

I remember one particular insult from Lords of the Realm II: "You smell bad. And your mother dresses you funny."

Does anybody have a unique way of presenting their vicious mockery attacks like the one above?

 

[Allegro]

• When did maggots start carrying swords?
• Your sword's dullness is only surpassed by your own
• My mother is twice the warrior than you, in her wheel chair
• Even your rotting corpse will smell better than your breath
• Egad, she is attacking us with a toothpick
• Next time try bringing a real weapon to the battle
• You make a better sword sheath than a sword swinger
• Ouch your wet noodle of a swing almost hurt that time
• At least your not smart enough to run away from your doom
• Ever seen your kidney before?
• Seriously dude, have considered doing a push ups sometime?
• What kind of dance should I do on your grave?
• Why do they only send their weakest most stupid warriors against us?
• You couldn't miss more often if you closed your eyes and hopped on one foot
• Keep it up your doing so-oooo well

 

[amerigoV]

"Your mother was a Minion and your father was an unnamed NPC"

"I had your mother back in 3rd edition, and it was nothing to brag about then."

 

[coyote6]

"Did your mother intend to mate with whatever your father was?"
"Say, that's a magical greatsword of overcompensation, isn't it?"
"Is it the chainmail chafing that makes you so irritable?"
"You're a couple of bolts short of a quiver, aren't you?"
"Charisma may be your dump stat, but that doesn't mean you should skip bathing."
"Sweet gods, who cast stinking cloud? Oh, it's just you."

 

[Neonchameleon]

I was recently invited to play in a 4E group in my area amongst some new friends, and I've decided to play a bard.

I really love the flavor of the Vicious Mockery power, but I want to add a bit of a cool factor to it by blurting out harsh insults whenever I use it.

So, what are some appropriate insults for my Gnome Bard to fling around. Generic ones would be best, so that I can apply them to any type of creature in (or out) of combat. I'm dying to hear what you guys come up with!

With thanks to Monkey Island:

[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]Every enemy I have met, I’ve annihilated.
With your breath, I’m sure they all suffocated.[/SIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]You’re as repulsive as a monkey in a negligee.
I look that much like your fiancee?[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]
Killing you would be justifiable homicide.
Then killing you must be justifiable fungicide.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]
You’re the ugliest monster ever created.
If you don’t count all the ones you’ve dated.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]
I’ll skewer you like a sow at a buffet.
When I’m done with you, you’ll be a boneless filet.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]
Would you like to be buried or cremated?
With you around, I’d rather be fumigated.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]
Coming face to face with me must leave you petrified.
Is that your face? I thought it was your backside.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]
When your father first saw you, he must have been mortified.
At least mine can be identified.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]
You can’t match my witty repartee.
I could, if you would use some breath spray.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]
I have never seen such clumsy swordplay.
You would have, but you were always running away.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]
En Garde! Touche!
Oh, that is so cliche.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]
Throughout the Caribbean, my great deeds are celebrated.
Too bad they’re all fabricated.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]
I can’t rest ‘til you’ve been exterminated.
Then perhaps you should switch to decaffeinated.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]
I’ll leave you devastated, mutilated, and peforated.
Your odor alone makes me aggravated, agitated and infuriated.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]
Heaven preseve me! You look like something that’s died!
The only way you’ll be preserved is in formaldehyde.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]
I’ll hound you night and day.
Then be a good dog. Sit! Stay!

[/SIZE][/FONT][FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]My attacks have left entire islands depopulated.
With your breath, I’m sure they all suffocated.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]
[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]You have the sex appeal of a shar-pei.
I look that much like your fiancee?[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]
[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]Your looks would make pigs nauseated.
If you don’t count all the ones you dated.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]
[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]Nothing can stop me from blowing you away.
I could, if you would use some breath spray.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]
[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]I have never lost a melee.
You would have, but you were always running away.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]
[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]When I’m done, your body will be rotted and putrfied.
Then killing you must be justifiable fungicide.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]
[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]You’ll find I’m dogged and relentess to my prey.
Then be a good dog. Sit! Stay![/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]
[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]My skills with a sword are highly venerated.
Too bad they’re all fabricated.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]
[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]Never before have I faced someone so sissified.
Is that your face? I thought it was your backside.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]
[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]I can’t tell which of my traits have you the most intimidated.
Your odor alone makes me aggravated, agitated and infuriated.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]
[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]Your lips look like they belong on the catch of the day.
When I’m done with you, you’ll be a boneless filet.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]
[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]Your stench would make an outhouse cleaner irritated.
Then perhaps you should switch to decaffeinated.[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]
[/SIZE][/FONT]
[FONT=Comic Sans MS,Chicago,Sans-serif,cursive][SIZE=-1]Your mother wears a toupee.
Oh, that is so cliche.[/SIZE][/FONT]