Insults!

[InVinoVeritas]

"You're such a failure you haven't even gotten undeath right."

(to teammate) "You win this time. Clearly the offal I stepped in has bred."

"Ugh, can't you drop a darkness spell on us? Oh, no need, I'll just close my eyes. No, the stench tells me well enough where it is."

"I ran into your mother yesterday. She begged me to kill you as much as she begged me to continue."

"Your life ends today. If it's any consolation, your fashion sense has scarred my eyes forever."

"What are you going to do, whine me to death?"

"Even the ill-bred can't possibly fathom such a loathsome error of judgment. It's to their favor."

 

[Hand of Evil]

• You call that a beard, I have seen more hair on the face of an elf!
• Hey, orge butt!
• That armor makes you look fat!
• The noise you make in the woods, sound like what is coming from your mouth.
• Your wit is as dull as your sword.
• You are a dull as a kobold on a stick.

 

[Pickles JG]

My Bard is a Sunnite (MC Cleric) & her Cutting Words normally refer to peoples fashion sense or lack thereof or appearance.

Sune is the Goddess of Beauty, I can see she is not popular around here.
Purple robes for a Drow - I love the Goth wannabe look.
You fell out of the ugly tree & hit every branch on the way down.
If I had thighs like yours I would not be wearing those boots
Pale doesn't suit you - you should get more sun (Vampire)

I am not much use at coming up with good lines & then get stuck in a rut with the same one, often featuring Bottoms & Big.

 

[Silverblade The Ench]

"Yer hung like a pixie's toothpick!"

"Jeesh, that's the worst mutation I ever saw! So tell me, how does it feel having yer arse where yer face should be?"

"Break out the bandages, boys! this git's so incompetant he's gonna stick his own pals in the arse afore he manages ot hit one of us!"

"You look FAR too much like yer grandad..."

"When did they empty the jails and madhouses of kobold scrogglers, like you, sunshine?"

"So, is it true even the blind tarts by the docks turn you down?"

"Ah, it's the Flumph Humper!"

"By the gods, yer face looks like my scrotes in Winter time, eeeeew!"

"Yikes! I see the rumours that Orc Clap can melt yer face off are true, then! Here's 50 gold, away get it cured afore other bits of you fall off, or you give it to yer comrades in yer late-night love-fests with chickens!"

"Well, yer living proof that halfbreeds of every stripe exist! So tell me, why did yer mother get it on with a poxed-up kobold?"

"Ah, with that snooty, poxy face o' yours, I guess yer Jubilex's grand wean, eh? What do they call you, McNipple the Pustulous, eh?"

"The only thing dumber than you that I have ever met, was a kobold who licked kuo-toa's glue for his kicks..."

"Well stone me! You can talk! Here was me thinking that when you got Polymorphed into a turd, you lost the ability to speak. You learn something every day!"

"How did you manage to survive to this age? I mean an incompetant, moronic, in-bred, poxed, kobold-kissing numpty like you should have been thrown back up his mother and told not to come out until you had finished baking in her oven!"

ok, so, I'm a dwarf by nature

 

[Hand of Evil]

Okay...

You're sack will make a poor coin pouch but it will hold a couple of coppers!

You dress like a drunk elf in the mud.

You smell of orc, did he get lucky.

 

[Hungry Like The Wolf]

Ahh, I see you've found the weight you lost
Go ahead, tell them everything you know, it'll only take 5 seconds
A severed foot is THE ultimate breath mint
Castles are lairs for people with eyes (with the optional) inside their heads
Being a monster is just admitting you were bullied in...the cesspool?
My name is Inigo Montoya...heh, not really but prepare to die!

And for when everyone groans at the table:

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the quill.

 

[AFGNCAAP]

Here's another barrage which may be useful:

• "Who knew that offal could have offspring?"
• "I take it that whistling sound is from the wind blowing through your empty head..."
• "You've licked the lead plates clean once too much, haven't you?"
• "I take it you came into being when (the god of mischief) decided to make his flatulence come alive..."
• "Frost giants have more warming personalities than you."
• "You call that purulent boil on your face a nose? How... quaint."
• "I can tell you love your wife. You're trying to give her the best gift you ever could: your funeral."
• "You, sirrah, are naught but a purulent mass of offal left to rot in the sun...."
• "You are a barely-living testament for why siblings should never wed."
• "Your slow wit makes a dying torch look like the noon sun."
• "I understand why you lack a helmet, for it would be protecting nothing of value...."
• "I've seen many a flesh golem better put together than you."
• "You are such a weakling that your own blood wishes to escape you as swiftly as possible...."
• "You are fighting with your off-hand, aren't you? I am trying to give you some sort of credit."
• "It would seem, once upon a time, your mother loved the dead. And here you are."
• "I take it many clerics try to turn or rebuke you, though you claim to breathe."
• "'Skill' is just another fantastic word found only in dreams for you, isn't it?"
• "I've met toads with worse breath that the slimy likes of you." (best used for dragons)
• "I'm sure your master is regretting spending that hard-earned copper on the likes of you..."
• "Do you even have a name? It would seem a waste of time to grant you one, and an insult to those that may happen to share it."

Enjoy.

 

[Wolf1066]

"I would call thee an addle-pated, verminous, hirsute, pox-faced slubbertigullion but I fear such words would be incomprehensible to thee - so I must resort to calling you a dickhead."

My brother once sent me this in a birthday card - much to the annoyance of our mother when she read the last stanza. Linked it as it is certainly not grandmother-friendly - you have been warned.

Have used some of the lines out of it to great effect - especially "Speaking as an outsider, what do you think of the human race?"

Some more:
"I gather you're unmarried - your looks and personality preclude any chance of a relationship."

"You're living proof of the common opinion that [pick a suitable in-game race] shag sheep"

"It was always said your parents should have been sterilised at birth and now I'm forced to rectify that grievous omission."

 

[On Puget Sound]

Here is a different take on Vicious Mockery. Our bard is famous for using it to get in the last point of damage after the ranger and barbarian have chewed through scores of hit points but not quite finishing the job.

One way I describe the reliably fatal Vicious Mockery from our gnome (inspired by Terry Pratchett):

When the Gods spoke the World into being, their words became rock and river, beast and tree, star and sky and all the things we see. Everything that is real began as a word, and remains real only because the Gods remember those words.

But Gods are busy, and remembering every blade of grass, every grain of sand, is tiresome even to the infinite, so they put lesser servants in charge of remembering the words to keep everything in existence. And these servants can be distracted. A clever bard can sometimes persuade the powers that a particular being is insignificant, that forgetting about it would not harm the fabric of reality. And so the word is forgotten, and the being...

doesn't exactly die, or disappear. It just loses its importance to anything else. It can no longer be heard or seen, or affect anything, unless someone makes a particular effort to notice it. And of course, since it is unimportant, no one does.

So he kills things with VM by persuading the universe that they don't matter any more.

 

[Connorsrpg]

Can't believe no one has posted the Shakespeare Insult Generator here yet.

Anyway, I had a similar thread re insults a while ago - but from a DM's perspective. The Shakespear table is in there and many others. I am sure you will still find the many contributions helpful. I certainly did

http://www.enworld.org/forum/general-rpg-discussion/148217-swear-insult-your-players.html