I was reading an entry in the MCDM monster book, and came across this (the returns/lines are not important here):
Electric Pulse. The eel channels energy toward a creature within
20 feet of them. The target must make a DC 12 Constitution saving
throw, made with disadvantage if the target is touching the
eel. On a failed save, a creature takes 18 (4d8) lightning damage
and is dazed until the end of their next turn. On a successful
save, a creature takes half as much damage and isn’t dazed.
And thought, it is still too wordy. Is this better, or worse (note: I think you could take out "of them" also)?
Electric Pulse. The eel channels energy toward a creature within
20 feet of them. (DC 12 Constitution saving throw, with disadvantage
if the target is touching the eel). Failure: the target takes 18 (4d8) lightning damage
and is dazed until the end of their next turn. Success: half damage.
Electric Pulse. The eel channels energy toward a creature within
20 feet of them. The target must make a DC 12 Constitution saving
throw, made with disadvantage if the target is touching the
eel. On a failed save, a creature takes 18 (4d8) lightning damage
and is dazed until the end of their next turn. On a successful
save, a creature takes half as much damage and isn’t dazed.
And thought, it is still too wordy. Is this better, or worse (note: I think you could take out "of them" also)?
Electric Pulse. The eel channels energy toward a creature within
20 feet of them. (DC 12 Constitution saving throw, with disadvantage
if the target is touching the eel). Failure: the target takes 18 (4d8) lightning damage
and is dazed until the end of their next turn. Success: half damage.