D&D 5E Last minute 5e prognostications

[Ainamacar]

The playtest starts tomorrow, and the nature of discussion here will undoubtedly change. For many of us this will be the last chance to make unguarded predictions or contribute ideas that can't possibly be construed as leaks.

Therefore I really need to get these off my chest before it's too late. Feel free to add your own, time is running out.

• In 5e the dice will be referred to only as "modronic solids." The deformed m10 tags along, mostly starting a lot of awkward conversations, and is colloquially referred to as a "moronic solid" by mean jerks. Guarded speculation suggests it practiced unsafe rolling on the wandering prostitutes table of a past era.
• Character advancement is by haiku (with pregen haikus for the playtest.)
• All characters are changelings that take on the persona of ridiculous fictional species like "elf" and "human," whatever those are.
• Preparation-based casters may cast any spell spontaneously when the player expends 1 slice of pizza per spell level, as per the common houserule.
• Unscrupulous DMs may convince spontaneous casters they may prepare a spell for the same cost.
• Initiative order is determined by Jenga, and combats without a battlemat will utilize a new product called Mental Jenga. The only exception is that rogues with the scoundrel scheme always go first (this will be changed in 6e).
• Cleric domain spells will utilize a simple verb-noun casting system, and the appropriate words will be determined by playing Mad Libs with the DM's young niece. DMs without a young niece, or with more than one, will use various controversial houserules. As a convenience the playtest will reveal embarrassing facts about Mearl's family.
• Magic Missile autohits in darkness, requires rolling otherwise.
• Ray spells have the verbal component "pew! pew!", all lowercase.
• The Find the Path spell will be renamed Pathfinder, and will be available wherever fine scrolls are sold.
• Rules lawyering will require a license.
• Playtest documents will inadvertently reveal that every internal revision is given a ".5" identifier. The current revision is actually 5.5.5.5.5.5.5.5.5.5.5 (alpha).

One last shocking prediction:
[sblock]This thread will either really sink or really swim. Surely some of you subscribe to my brand of crazy. [/sblock]

 

[Chris_Nightwing]

I think you'll find that Pathfinder will be a theme, and will suspiciously suck.

WotC will establish a rules bar, which you must pass to become a licensed rules lawyer. You'll need to spend three years at rules school after passing your RSATS and obtaining a decent enough DPA (damage per attack).

 

[Mattachine]

Last minute?
The new edition isn't going to be released until 2014.

 

[mkill]

To tap into the growing brony fandom, the game will be released as Rainbows & Unicorns.

Unicorns replace clerics, cats replace rogues, pandas replace monks, care bears replace wizards.

 

[Belphanior]

To tap into the growing brony fandom, the game will be released as Rainbows & Unicorns.

Unicorns replace clerics, cats replace rogues, pandas replace monks, care bears replace wizards.

I would play that game.

 

[Minigiant]

I would play that game.

So would I.

I believe I played a MMO that contained panda monks and cat rogues. But the wizards were cute mummies and clerics were fairies.


Anyways...

Bards will have specialization themes called genres.
Core genre are rock, classical, country, salsa, and gangsta rap.
Reggae, metal, and electronic is promised for a later setting..... Whenever WOTC can okay things with the Marley family.

 

[Belphanior]

I believe I played a MMO that contained panda monks and cat rogues. But the wizards were cute mummies and clerics were fairies.

That would be Dofus, or maybe it's sequel Wakfu, I'm guessing?

 

[Minigiant]

That would be Dofus, or maybe it's sequel Wakfu, I'm guessing?

Ah yes. That game. The source of my hope for a core Constitution based class.

Warlocks really should have cast for hit points power ups for their at-will abilities.

 

[Dragonblade]

5e will come with an auction house! When my DM gives me a Holy Avenger, I can try to sell it to other D&D players for real money.

 

[Crazy Jerome]

In a cunning judo move versus predictable criticisms, 5E will start only as a MMORPG. There will be constant talk of releasing a tabletop version "at some point," but this will get delayed, and when finally released, under pressure, a couple of years after 5E launch, will have so many errors as to be almost unplayable. It will gradually improve, and be almost useful by the time 6E launches.

Further complicating matters, the MMORPG will be a browser-based 2D app that only works on Internet Explorer 5.1. Moreover, 5E D&D will be the first truly "collectible" MMORPG, in that to unlock features of the game you must buy miniatures in random packs, scan the miniature, and then have the system recognize the image. This limits what you can be and what you can fight.