AuroraGyps
First Post
Well, things have gotten bad yet again for me. Mostly it's paperwork and red tape and problems with people not helping me by doing their jobs badly. Things are all messed up with my temp. disability, foodstamps, medicaid, and a few other things... and for once it's not my fault... go fig. So, I've had a major meltdown. I'm just really bad with making phone calls cause of my social thing, and when people are less than helpful, it's makes it harder for me to deal with them. I blew up at my Social Worker Person whatever she's called. I tried to very calm finding out if she got some papers. No, she didn't get the renters agreement thing (which I sent out a long time ago, but my landlord was on vacation), so then I try to tell her that my employee rep. sent a letter saying that I'd been on disability 3 times (first fax "well, just cause she faxed it, doesn't mean I got it", 2nd time a fax and a call, but not to this particular woman, "well, I didn't talk to her, why didn't she leave a message" and I'm like I don't know, but she talked to someone, 3rd time I didn't even get to explain that my employee rep. just faxed another copy just in case, cause she hadn't heard anything). So, now I'm stressed and don't know what to say, so I'm like, "ok, I'll figure it out, I'll take care of it," and she gets all huffy, "you don't have to have an attitude!". I blew up. I wasn't having an attitude, if I had, I would've told her how badly her office sucks in the organization dept., and I have other things to deal with besides to keep worrying if she got this fax or that fax. Instead, I yelled that I was close to suicidal because on top of the illness I have, I'm having problems with all my paperwork and I don't need this. Then she was all "take one thing at a time." So, I called my mom, hysterical, asking if she could help out (I'd already caled her hysterical while she wwas at work saying I needed help, but didn't know who to call professionally, and the only person I had to help me was her and that I wished I had someone else I could ask for help, even if it was to drag my cat around just for moral support no matter how nuts I would look like). My mother was told that "well, we're having 22, 000 people layed off (that's just since about the beginning of the month) and that she could have just closed my case. My mom asked about compassion, but the woman's reply was that they can't let people take advantage of them. Guys, I don't know how to take advantage.... I'm lucky I get out of the house once every 2 weeks, I just need help till I can figure out how to get throgh this horrible time I'm having. I know that these people are super busy and have to deal with the rotten apple here and there, but this woman have driven me to tears twice and it's just not fair.
UGH!!! Ater all that, I don't even want to write about the other things that other people, (that are supposed to be helping me) have screwed up. It's bad enough that I'm practically useless, but these people aren't just not helping me... they're making me worse.
So, I'm heading to stay with my parents for a while because I just can't cope on my own right now to get donewhat has to be done. My wonderful, saintly mother is driving up here Wed (she'd come up tomorrow, but the weather's supposed to be awful). My cat will be staying with my Aunt & Uncle, who have two other cats, and I'm hoping they get along. I feel so guilty having to leave her with them, but she can't come to my parents cause of my dad's asthma, and their pit bulls dislike of cats. She's the only friend that's stuck with me in Buffalo, not that she had much choise, but if it weren't for her, I'd be dead.
I finally started working on my closure letter to my ex. and it's really hard. I checked out his website (I know, stupid, but I needed that anger to push me to finally get to work) and it's like I never existed. Before his current marriage, he talks about being single. I understand about moving on, but it's like the ten years we were together didn't happen. I almost wish that when every one of my ex friends dumped me, it was like that spell from "Wheel of Time" and I just stopped being....like I had never existed after all. My mom asked why I can't put it all behind me and I told her, "because everyday, I'm reminded of what I lost... something reminds me of someone not in my life anymore or something I used to do, but have no one to do it with now... every day/week/month that goes by that I have no friends... all because they chose not to have anything to do with me". It wears on you after a while. Ya know, people get sick, people die, random things happen for who know what reason... and you learn to deal and you move one somehow. But, when it's something that someone chose to do, and I mean "if I do this, I know it will hurt this person that is/was my friend, but I'm going to do it anyway," it really hurts. When a couple of dozen people do it, it hurts more. And when the person that gets hurt isn't a "normal" person, but someone like me, with this social anxiety thing and the bad depression (call it being sensitive, call it whatever), it's more damaging than you can know. I've been dealing with this for 20 years. 4 years ago, I thought I was finally gonna get things right with my life, and my marriage, and everything... instead the rug got pulled out from under me hard and I haven't gotten much right since even though I keep plugging along trying to be strong. I'm so tired guys, more tired than I've ever been. I'm scared that there might be that final straw that breaks this camels back, and I'll finally want to be put out of my misery. No more paperwork, no more being a burden to my parents emotionally or finacially. No more worrying when someone is going to hurt me. It's only guilt that stops me now, guilt for thinking how I'd let down my parents and, stupidly, guilt about what would happen to my cat. I dread the day that don't feel that guilt anymore, and I'm terrified it might not be that far off anymore.
Thanks for letting me ramble. Sorry for such a downer, but it all just kinda spewed out. Maybe what I say here will help someone else down the road. That would be nice to know that someone else didn't have to deal with the hurt I have, because I told people my part of my life.
UGH!!! Ater all that, I don't even want to write about the other things that other people, (that are supposed to be helping me) have screwed up. It's bad enough that I'm practically useless, but these people aren't just not helping me... they're making me worse.
So, I'm heading to stay with my parents for a while because I just can't cope on my own right now to get donewhat has to be done. My wonderful, saintly mother is driving up here Wed (she'd come up tomorrow, but the weather's supposed to be awful). My cat will be staying with my Aunt & Uncle, who have two other cats, and I'm hoping they get along. I feel so guilty having to leave her with them, but she can't come to my parents cause of my dad's asthma, and their pit bulls dislike of cats. She's the only friend that's stuck with me in Buffalo, not that she had much choise, but if it weren't for her, I'd be dead.
I finally started working on my closure letter to my ex. and it's really hard. I checked out his website (I know, stupid, but I needed that anger to push me to finally get to work) and it's like I never existed. Before his current marriage, he talks about being single. I understand about moving on, but it's like the ten years we were together didn't happen. I almost wish that when every one of my ex friends dumped me, it was like that spell from "Wheel of Time" and I just stopped being....like I had never existed after all. My mom asked why I can't put it all behind me and I told her, "because everyday, I'm reminded of what I lost... something reminds me of someone not in my life anymore or something I used to do, but have no one to do it with now... every day/week/month that goes by that I have no friends... all because they chose not to have anything to do with me". It wears on you after a while. Ya know, people get sick, people die, random things happen for who know what reason... and you learn to deal and you move one somehow. But, when it's something that someone chose to do, and I mean "if I do this, I know it will hurt this person that is/was my friend, but I'm going to do it anyway," it really hurts. When a couple of dozen people do it, it hurts more. And when the person that gets hurt isn't a "normal" person, but someone like me, with this social anxiety thing and the bad depression (call it being sensitive, call it whatever), it's more damaging than you can know. I've been dealing with this for 20 years. 4 years ago, I thought I was finally gonna get things right with my life, and my marriage, and everything... instead the rug got pulled out from under me hard and I haven't gotten much right since even though I keep plugging along trying to be strong. I'm so tired guys, more tired than I've ever been. I'm scared that there might be that final straw that breaks this camels back, and I'll finally want to be put out of my misery. No more paperwork, no more being a burden to my parents emotionally or finacially. No more worrying when someone is going to hurt me. It's only guilt that stops me now, guilt for thinking how I'd let down my parents and, stupidly, guilt about what would happen to my cat. I dread the day that don't feel that guilt anymore, and I'm terrified it might not be that far off anymore.
Thanks for letting me ramble. Sorry for such a downer, but it all just kinda spewed out. Maybe what I say here will help someone else down the road. That would be nice to know that someone else didn't have to deal with the hurt I have, because I told people my part of my life.
I'm gonna stay a couple of days with her and then have my Uncle give me a ride down to my parents (my grandma lives near my parents now in a new home, so he can see her too). 
