Leaving (Ending) a Gaming Group Gracefully - Advice Needed

[Retreater]

Hey guys.

I have an issue that I think needs to be addressed with civility, and I hope that I'm not misplacing my trust by posting on this board.

I have been in a gaming group for 10 years, and gaming has been a strong passion of mine for nearly that whole time. Several members have moved on during the past decade (literally and figuratively), though we still have three original members (including me).

Gaming got bad for me about 2 years ago. Some of the guys who were really the glue of the group - excellent, dedicated gamers who were also great friends - moved away. We haven't been able to replace them, even with a poor imitation substitute. We may have a guest player for a week, but the rest of the time those seats are empty, and we really feel it.

And then personal issues arose in two of our other gamers, so now they can game only every other week. Which was okay - better gaming every other week than not at all - right? Wrong. What happened was that people stopped putting attendance at the game as a priority. Maybe they showed up, maybe not. Sometimes we're lucky to get one game in during a month.

This has really been a war of attrition. We've lost good players, we've cut sessions, and we've cut the hours of those sessions. The group has been on life support for nearly 2 years. I'm ready to pull the plug, take my chances with a new group, or otherwise find a new hobby.

With that lengthy background, I think I can get around to asking my question: how do I get out, knowing that if I leave that it will probably spell the end of the gaming group?

I don't want anyone to take it personally - especially one of the original players who has recently welcomed a second child. I would hate for him to think that I'm being a jerk for not working around this moment for him, when in actuality, it has been getting bad for a long time.

Really, any advice you'd like to give I would appreciate. Please don't use this opportunity to bash me - I really don't have the heart for it ... I feel like a good old friend has passed away.

Retreater

 

[spunky_mutters]

You don't need to bash anyone to tell them that the current schedule just isn't working out for you. Just be up front and tell them that you're dropping out/calling it quits while you figure out what you want to do.

In the mean time you can poke around and look for another group to join, if you like.

I had a group get decimated down to me + 3 players, and after trying to fill the other seat for quite a while, I finally gave up. I moved on to another group, and now I have 7 players, in that group, and an 8th is sniffing around to see if we have room.

Sometimes you have to move on to find better things. Give everyone the chance to voice their concerns, but if this isn't the priority to them that it is to you, you're better off finding a group that has a more consistent schedule.

 

[DragonBelow]

As someone who has moved away from his original gaming group, I would advice you to stick to your group. Find another game you can join during those weeks you're not playing with your original group.

 

[roguerouge]

Your passive aggressive, conflict-avoidant, neutral evil advice for the thread is:

Start scheduling things on the night of your gaming sessions. Everyone else is doing it. Why should you always be the one left holding the bag? The social contract has changed from "we always game together" to "we game whenever we have nothing better to do." Well, you should find better things to do periodically, then. Get a new hobby, find a girl, join a bowling league, leaflet strangers in the park, go to the gym, whatever. They'll miss you when you're gone. And, if that scheduling doesn't work out for you one week, then you've always got game as a backup plan.

Take control of your life and stop letting these people, with their "babies," boss you around. Man up! Cliche down! Truism sideways!

Edit: And Dragonbelow's advice to start cheating on your gaming group is also sound. If it works out for you, divorce this group and move in with your "mistress game".

 

[dbm]

Before calling quits, I would advocate an open and frank conversation with your fellow group members.

I have a group that I have been gaming with for several years now. One of the players I've know for 25 years, another two for 21 years. The rest are new comers at around 8 years (!).

Over the years our life circumstance have changed. We are all in our late thirties, have serious jobs and most of us have partners and children. We used to game every week, then every other week. Now we game every third Sunday for 10 hours straight (noon 'til 10pm) and that gives us the balance that works for us as a group. We also have a rule that we will play with one person missing (obviously not the DM) but if two can't make it we postpone the session. When we finish one day of gaming we check our respective schedules and pencil in the next session. Occasionally the pattern might be 4-2 rather than 3-3 if its difficult to organise things for everyone.

The point of this is that we have evolved our play schedule to fit with the life circumstances of the group. Good players are hard to find, especially ones which share your game-view. These kinds of things develop over many years, so by throwing in the towel you are risking not being able to find any gamers that you can play with and share a good experience.

I would suggest sitting down with your fellow group members and explain that the unpredictability of when the next game is going to happen is making it hard for you to make sure you're available. By the sounds of it, I'm sure other group members will share your problem. Then work out some ground rules for a more convenient schedule and what to do if one or more people cannot show.

Only if you can't get this to work would I then withdraw from the group. At least this way you would have been open and honest with your friends, and given things the best possible chance of working out.

Good luck!

Dan

 

[Mark]

I'd suggest telling your old friend that you feel the group has been running on fumes for a while. Tell him you are going to take a break from the group for a bit. If you still wish to game with him in particulkar, tell him that if you rally a new group and it has legs, you will see about asking him to join once the rigors of dealing with his new family situation have settled down. He may be as relieved as you to know you have other means of getting in some gaming without his having to carry the water. He may be feeling a lot of the burden, too, since the core of the old group began to disintegrate.

 

[Dice4Hire]

Certainly talking to the group is important, to try and solve things, but if it is time to leave then it is time to leave. Life is too short.

Look at the group as it has been the last ten sessions or so and ask youself if you would join the group as a newcomer, knowing all you know. If it is not then, you need to bow out. If you still want to play, ask people to join a new group, and recruit wherever you think you can. Play on alternate weeks for a few months, so as not to cause friction, but once yoru group is established, play whenever you like

 

[Harr]

The stuff you wrote in your OP is -precisely- what you should be communicating to them. You should be telling them all this directly.

So take your post, copy it into a notepad, re-write it in the second person, add in a few "I'm really sorry"s, paste it into an email and send it, and see what they say.

Another thing... don't assume what their reaction is going to be. Yes it could end up being "Omg does this mean you hate my new baby??" but they could also come back with a "Well, finally!! He got the hint guys!" The only way to know is to start the dialogue... even if it's a little distasteful at first.

 

[kitsune9]

Hey guys.

I have an issue that I think needs to be addressed with civility, and I hope that I'm not misplacing my trust by posting on this board.

I have been in a gaming group for 10 years, and gaming has been a strong passion of mine for nearly that whole time. Several members have moved on during the past decade (literally and figuratively), though we still have three original members (including me).

Gaming got bad for me about 2 years ago. Some of the guys who were really the glue of the group - excellent, dedicated gamers who were also great friends - moved away. We haven't been able to replace them, even with a poor imitation substitute. We may have a guest player for a week, but the rest of the time those seats are empty, and we really feel it.

And then personal issues arose in two of our other gamers, so now they can game only every other week. Which was okay - better gaming every other week than not at all - right? Wrong. What happened was that people stopped putting attendance at the game as a priority. Maybe they showed up, maybe not. Sometimes we're lucky to get one game in during a month.

This has really been a war of attrition. We've lost good players, we've cut sessions, and we've cut the hours of those sessions. The group has been on life support for nearly 2 years. I'm ready to pull the plug, take my chances with a new group, or otherwise find a new hobby.

With that lengthy background, I think I can get around to asking my question: how do I get out, knowing that if I leave that it will probably spell the end of the gaming group?

I don't want anyone to take it personally - especially one of the original players who has recently welcomed a second child. I would hate for him to think that I'm being a jerk for not working around this moment for him, when in actuality, it has been getting bad for a long time.

Really, any advice you'd like to give I would appreciate. Please don't use this opportunity to bash me - I really don't have the heart for it ... I feel like a good old friend has passed away.

Retreater

I think if you just send a polite email to the group as a whole and state that you need more gaming time and that your interests would be better served by finding a more stable group, they'd probably understand. Given that gaming is probably not their priority, I'd doubt they'd be offended. If you have players who are upset over your decision, you can defend yourself simply by stating the facts of the matter--that you don't play often, gaming happens about once a month, you only play for a few hours, and that you understand that real life happens, but that you want to game with others who can set aside real life more often than with those who you're currently gaming with.

I think we've all been down that road before so I can relate. I know that since I got married, gaming conventions have gone the way of the Dodo for me and gaming two to three times a week is gone too and I have to settle for once every two weeks. Naturally, this is a "change" in my gaming lifestyle, but a facet of real life if I want to stay married. If my players told me that they can't game with me because of that change, that's something I'd accept.

 

[Charwoman Gene]

but a facet of real life if I want to stay married.

*Snark Removed*

(Please note that I am very happily married and my spouse's reactions on gaming are complaining that I won't game with non-computer people.)