Dakkareth
First Post
... in this case the step out of my parents' house. Tomorrow I'm going to take the train, arriving at my future place of study in the evening. From then on I be a student of medical science at the university of Göttingen and no longer the big-brother-busy-doing-jack-
-because-he's-finished-school, as my sisters might put it. Well, my feelings are quite mixed, ranging (and swinging back and forth between) from elation and optimistic visions to depressive phases and anxiety.
It is of course a big step. Taking care of stuff yourself, finding yourself a place to stay, learning a lot more than ever before (probably even requiring some working), leaving behind comfort, familiar places and friends/family of before ... eventually passing over into the world of work and earning one's living. A really big step for someone as sheltered and withdrawn as me.
Potential for many kinds of problems - finding a home (currently *hoping* that arrangements work out, but far from sure) has its own difficulties; have I even chosen the right thing to study? Do I have the will to see the learning through and the time to do it? What about those ideas of combining subjects? What if I fail or change my mind? Can I even get a job later? Will I find friends again (the current set took a looong time for shy me)?
But there's another kind of fear also - change of identity itself. Though there are many things I dislike about my current self and current way of life, it is me and I don't want to leave my own life behind with all the things I do like, starting anew from blank - this is, how I felt earlier this week, when I first realized the imminent separation from so many familiar things, coming to the conclusion that not much would remain of that, by which I used to define myself. An attack of depression right there.
I've come to adapt, maybe out of psychological necessity, a different point of view, that of transformation of one instead of transition between discrete lifes. In taking certain things with me, such as my computer files and bookmarks*, the present end of the data-trail reaching into the past, it remains the same me at the core, around which big changes take place. These changes bring the potential of improvement, yes, but it has to be a gradual, smooth one, transforming my self instead of replacing it with a 'new and better' version.
(* - it is maybe telling, that the internet with its own culture of infinite sub-cultures figures so prominently there. It is, what I do when I'm alone with myself, it is food for my thoughts and sometimes their product as well, it is where I take amusement, news and ideas from. As long as I am with other ties to identity, family members or friends for example, it is not required, takes a secondary position - weeks or even months without internet are perfectly fine, when travelling abroad with the family) - but when those other ties go away, it remains the life-line or at least one of a couple of life-lines of self-definition.)
So, what am I going to do about it? Well for once, pack my things and include a healthy dose of CDs, put stuff online for easy access and likely gravitate to the university's public internet terminals. Other than that there's apartments to be looked for, musical groups to be joined, fellow roleplayers to be found, maybe some sports to do and after that an good bit of learning required. And hopefully I'll maintain some optimism and strength to deal with what has to be dealt with. That's what my current mood (apparently I'm on the upwards swing right now) says, at least. Doubt and anxiety will likely creep back in later for another circle soon ...
Mmmhh, long rambling post with no real point, I guess. But then, I used to roll my eyes at that whole 'vibes' thing, too. But in my frighteningly changed paradigm (curtesy of lying awake in a youth hostel of Göttingen on my first night there, taking the impact of the full realization, that I was going to stay there, not return home after a little excursion, once I went) there is a place for that in the weave of human interaction (which in the new paradigm is vital to mental health - apparently I don't take being alone nearly as well as I thought I would). So there, I'm finished rambling and I'm posting this, even if nobody reads it, because, well, I might one day want to read it myself in order to look back at my thoughts on this day.
Good night. See you on the other side,
Robert
-because-he's-finished-school, as my sisters might put it. Well, my feelings are quite mixed, ranging (and swinging back and forth between) from elation and optimistic visions to depressive phases and anxiety.It is of course a big step. Taking care of stuff yourself, finding yourself a place to stay, learning a lot more than ever before (probably even requiring some working), leaving behind comfort, familiar places and friends/family of before ... eventually passing over into the world of work and earning one's living. A really big step for someone as sheltered and withdrawn as me.
Potential for many kinds of problems - finding a home (currently *hoping* that arrangements work out, but far from sure) has its own difficulties; have I even chosen the right thing to study? Do I have the will to see the learning through and the time to do it? What about those ideas of combining subjects? What if I fail or change my mind? Can I even get a job later? Will I find friends again (the current set took a looong time for shy me)?
But there's another kind of fear also - change of identity itself. Though there are many things I dislike about my current self and current way of life, it is me and I don't want to leave my own life behind with all the things I do like, starting anew from blank - this is, how I felt earlier this week, when I first realized the imminent separation from so many familiar things, coming to the conclusion that not much would remain of that, by which I used to define myself. An attack of depression right there.
I've come to adapt, maybe out of psychological necessity, a different point of view, that of transformation of one instead of transition between discrete lifes. In taking certain things with me, such as my computer files and bookmarks*, the present end of the data-trail reaching into the past, it remains the same me at the core, around which big changes take place. These changes bring the potential of improvement, yes, but it has to be a gradual, smooth one, transforming my self instead of replacing it with a 'new and better' version.
(* - it is maybe telling, that the internet with its own culture of infinite sub-cultures figures so prominently there. It is, what I do when I'm alone with myself, it is food for my thoughts and sometimes their product as well, it is where I take amusement, news and ideas from. As long as I am with other ties to identity, family members or friends for example, it is not required, takes a secondary position - weeks or even months without internet are perfectly fine, when travelling abroad with the family) - but when those other ties go away, it remains the life-line or at least one of a couple of life-lines of self-definition.)
So, what am I going to do about it? Well for once, pack my things and include a healthy dose of CDs, put stuff online for easy access and likely gravitate to the university's public internet terminals. Other than that there's apartments to be looked for, musical groups to be joined, fellow roleplayers to be found, maybe some sports to do and after that an good bit of learning required. And hopefully I'll maintain some optimism and strength to deal with what has to be dealt with. That's what my current mood (apparently I'm on the upwards swing right now) says, at least. Doubt and anxiety will likely creep back in later for another circle soon ...
Mmmhh, long rambling post with no real point, I guess. But then, I used to roll my eyes at that whole 'vibes' thing, too. But in my frighteningly changed paradigm (curtesy of lying awake in a youth hostel of Göttingen on my first night there, taking the impact of the full realization, that I was going to stay there, not return home after a little excursion, once I went) there is a place for that in the weave of human interaction (which in the new paradigm is vital to mental health - apparently I don't take being alone nearly as well as I thought I would). So there, I'm finished rambling and I'm posting this, even if nobody reads it, because, well, I might one day want to read it myself in order to look back at my thoughts on this day.
Good night. See you on the other side,
Robert
