Looking for a critique on a Campaign Setting Introduction

[Glade Riven]

So I'm working on a Campaign Setting called Ironbound: Chains of Phaetos. The fluff text will be release OLG along with the few new mechanics that may crop up. Here's what I got for the introduction:

Welcome to a world of eternal day and night, where civilizations flourish on the border between the two. The realm of eternal day has blazing deserts, tropical forests, and sun-scarred savanna. The realm of eternal night is dominated by a harsh frozen landscape, enthralled by the horrors of darkness. For much of the world, civilization is young. Realms of the gods can be visited without planar magic if one is brave or foolish enough. Elves and Dwarves clash over the very definition of civilization, with other races caught up in between. Drow ride mammoths through dark, frozen wastes on great migrations.

Adapting to a World of Eternal Day and Night
Ironbound: Chains of Phaetos is a campaign setting set on a world tidally locked so that one side always faces the sun. Both players and the game master find themselves having to get used to the concept that one cannot wait for nightfall to pull a heist on the day side, and one cannot wait for the salvation of morning to protect them from lycanthropes and vampires on the night side. Rule systems that require that a character rest to regain powers are still in effect, and for those races who sleep, still must sleep.

While Ironbound: Chains of Phaetos is built with the Pathfinder Roleplaying Game system in mind, it can easily be adapted to your favorite role-playing game system. Most of what makes Ironbound unique is the lore, locations, and personalities.

So, yeah. Critique me. Does the text catch your interest and make you curious to find out more? Is some of my phrasing a little too awkward? Etc. Be Brutal - I can take it. I will be very disappointed if people are not.

 

[Herremann the Wise]

Hello Transbot9,

I think there is the nucleus of something exciting here but what you have is a very difficult and technical path to tread.

One of the 4e campaigns I play in is a world of eternal daylight, where there is a single deity of the unmoving sun. It is surprising how many little factors make a huge difference to the internal and external logic of the world. For example, how do you measure time? Days, weeks and years take on an entirely new meaning. How difficult is it to cultivate crops (and in a land of no sun, a lack of vegetation creates a big issue in terms of most forms of life).

You mention Lycanthropes but what moon is there? If so, does this moon affect things and how? Life congregates at the solar equator but what (if anything) exists at the poles? I would imagine that resources are scarce and wars and conflict common as various groups struggle to survive. In essense, there are so many technical aspects to consider.

Reading your intro, I get the feeling that all the technical aspects of logic have not been completely addressed yet. There are several things unexplained: gods without planar travel, lycanthropes without moon (although I'm sure there is one), the significance of Elves and Dwarves without the mention of humans, and perhaps most of all is the title. Why is it called Ironbound: Chains of Phaetos?

The exciting thing is that I think these can be addressed in some fantastically brilliant ways that adds exceptional depth to the setting and make it an excellent setting to roleplay in. I think if you can settle these things yet still enforce a level of mysteriousness upon the setting then I think you are on a winner.

I look forward to reading more.

Best Regards
Herremann the Wise

 

[Alaxk Knight of Galt]

There was a lengthy thread on the tidal locked world of Gliese 581g a few months back.

 

[Gilladian]

Addressing only the writing in these three paragraphs, I have a couple of criticisms. First, in the first paragraph, the word "enthralled" bothers me. I think you'd be better off with "in thrall to". But that's personal.

The statement about elves and dwarves battling over civilization's form is not enough of a teaser. I want to know just a tiny bit more about these folks. Are dwarves lawful city dwellers, or barbaric tribesmen of the mountains? Are elves totemic nature-worshippers or builders of idylllic garden city-states? Give us a hint of what the conflict consists of between them. Just a couple adjectives could do it.

The second paragraph needs extensive reworking. It is boring. I don't know what it needs to say, but right now it isn't marketing, it's borderline rules-speak. Make it lively and interesting; if we like it, we'll worry about adapting to it later. Maybe something more like:

Ironbound: Chains of Phaetos is a world eternally tidally locked around its sun. Burning day and icy night will create unique new challenges that will inspire and confound both player and DM. Dawn will not save you from ancient evil, an dusk will not obscure your most devilish activities. Be assured that rules options will cover such topics as lycanthropy, vampirism, rest and sleep, and timekeeping, to assist the DM and players in becoming immersed in this complex world.

(Not that mine is any better, now that I look at it, but I hope it gets across what I'm trying to say). And DO bring in a sentence or two that tells WHY you've given the world its name.

 

[Glade Riven]

[MENTION=11300]Herremann the Wise[/MENTION]: Your interest shows I am moving in the right direction, and I just need to add a bit more "teaser" bits of detail.

[MENTION=4129]Alaxk Knight of Galt[/MENTION]: Yep, and I had a thread on it myself a while back. As I am not a community support member, the search function doesn't work for me, so I can't find it to link to.

[MENTION=2093]Gilladian[/MENTION]: Something I was concerned about, but wasn't sure how to fix it. Thanks.

 

[Alaxk Knight of Galt]

Yep, and I had a thread on it myself a while back. As I am not a community support member, the search function doesn't work for me, so I can't find it to link to.

The google search is strong in me

 

[Glade Riven]

One thing I am struggling with is how to define how different it is from campaign settings like Forgotten Realms, Golaron, Eberron, etc. without referancing them. Such things are fine on a forum, but the text will have to stand alone.

 

[Glade Riven]

Okay, a revision:

Welcome to a world of eternal day and night, where civilizations flourish on the border between the two. The realm of eternal day has blazing deserts, tropical forests, and sun-scarred savanna. The realm of eternal night is dominated by a harsh frozen landscape, condemned to the horrors of darkness. For much of the world, civilization is young. Realms of the gods can be visited without planar magic if one is brave or foolish enough. The first elvin empire is steeped in cultural divisions and bureaucracy. Human and orc have joined forces to throw off the shackles of an over-extended dwarven empire, whose navy is unrivaled. The gnomes have lost their own empire, shattered and broken with what is left in the iron grip of the dwarves. Some half-elves seek a revolution of industry when others prefer traditional magic. Drow ride mammoths through dark, frozen wastes on great migrations. Unique civilizations and cultures are pulled from real world history and mythology and amalgamated into something new and vibrant.

Ironbound: Chains of Phaetos is a campaign setting set on a world tidally locked so that one side always faces the sun. Challenges arise as the sun's burning gaze means that transgressions must happen in the light of day, and dawn is unable to save you from what lurks within the eternal darkness. Dealing with these issues, as well as the basis for measuring time and seasons will be covered in the chapter World Mechanics.

A few more details, some language clean up (especially on the second paragraph).

 

[howandwhy99]

So, yeah. Critique me. Does the text catch your interest and make you curious to find out more? Is some of my phrasing a little too awkward? Etc. Be Brutal - I can take it. I will be very disappointed if people are not.

The drow bit throws me. Just that last sentence. Young civilizations, check (thinking earlier ages, iron age, etc.), civilization being defined by elves and dwarfs with others mingling between, check, then migratory drow. Is that simply a nod to a playable race or something else?

EDIT: Saw the revision,
Same thing almost. It's the last sentence, first paragraph. I understand the desire to sum up a thesis sentence, especially after a lot of "show, don't tell", but your examples weren't from history.

 

[steeldragons]

The revision is significantly better. My first response to reading the first was "Sooo there're only elves, dwarves and drow in this world?" Not that there would be anything wrong with that, certainly. Actually, might be a fun world to play in...But I digress. I definitely get a more rounded feel with the mention of more races in the revision...though maybe now you're mentioning too many people?

Has this world always been tidally locked? How did such a diversity of species develop in such a limited livable area?

I also like the additions of a mention of an oppressive dwarven empire. Suddenly (as the others pointed out) the setting name "Ironbound" makes sense.

So good stuff. I am, most certainly intrigued and would be willing to read on a bit more to see what this world is about.

If you'll indulge my "editorial" senses for a moment, I'll make a few alterations (in red). Nothing major. Some word choice. Some sentence structure.

Lessee...

Welcome to a world of eternal day and night, where civilizations flourish on the border between the two. The realm of eternal day has blazing deserts, tropical forests, and sun-scarred savanna. The realm of eternal night is dominated by a harsh frozen landscape, condemned to the horrors of darkness. (The realm in the border does what exactly? You mention eternal day, eternal night, and the border...then only tease the first two.) For much of the world, civilization is young. The realms of the gods can be visited without planar magic if one is brave or foolish enough.
"New Paragraph"
The first elvin empire (is there a "second elvin empire? If not, I'd delete "first.") is steeped in cultural divisions and bureaucracy. Human and orc have joined forces to throw off the shackles of the over-extended dwarven empire, whose navy is unrivaled. The gnomes have lost their own empire, shattered and broken (if it's "shattered" it is "broken". Pick on or the other) with what is left in the iron grip of the dwarves. Some half-elves seek a revolution of industry while others prefer traditional magic. Drow ride mammoths through dark, frozen wastes(delete "dark"...or "frozen". You've already established that where the world is dark it is frozen. Not to mention "mammoth", for many people, immediately has Ice Age connotations) on great migrations. Unique civilizations and cultures are pulled from real world history and mythology and amalgamated into something new and vibrant. (I don't think this last sentence is necessary at all. If they are pulled from "real world history and mythology" then they can't really be called "unique civilizations" can they?)

Ironbound: Chains of Phaetos is a campaign setting set on a world tidally locked, one side always faces the sun. Challenges arise in the sun's burning gaze (delete- means that transgressions must happen in the light of day), and dawn is unable to save you from what lurks within the eternal darkness (replace "eternal darkness" with "endless night"..."night" instead of "darkness" plays off of "day" in the first half of the sentence...and you've used "eternal" plenty already). Dealing with these issues, as well as the basis for measuring time and seasons will be covered in the chapter World Mechanics. (Again, the last sentence seems unnecessary. If someone's going to use the setting, then they will see easily enough where and how to handle these mechanical issues. For a campaign setting intro, I don't really think questions of mechanics need to be mentioned at all.)

So the edit goes a lil' somethin' like this...

"Welcome to a world of eternal day and night, where civilizations flourish on the border between the two. The realm of eternal day has blazing deserts, tropical forests, and sun-scarred savanna. The realm of eternal night is dominated by a harsh frozen landscape, condemned to the horrors of darkness. The realms of the border lands house much of the world's, still young, civilizations. Even the realms of the gods exist in the mortal world, if one is brave or foolish enough to seek them out.

The elvin empire is splintered by cultural divisions and steeped in bureaucracy. Human and orcish tribes have joined forces to throw off the shackles of the over-extended dwarven naval empire. The gnomish kingdom shattered in the iron grip of the dwarves. Revolutionary half-elves seek the rise of industry while others maintain the secret traditions of magic. Nomadic drow ride mammoths through dark wastes on great migrations.

Ironbound: Chains of Phaetos is a campaign setting set on a world tidally locked. One side of the planet always faces the sun. Challenges arise for all who dare the day side's ever-burning sun or the night side's endless darkness while nations vie for supremacy of the limited resources in the more inhabitable border's eternal twilight-dawn."

Howzzat?

Good luck n' good stuff. Look forward to more.
--Steel Dragons

EDIT: Since there is no actual "day" or "night", there is "sun" or "no sun"...I would come up with some special phrase/name for various sides of the planet and, more importantly, the in-between border where most people live. Even as simple as the "day side" is simply called "Sun" or "Sol" or something akin and the "night side" is just plain "Dark"...or "Unsol" or something like that..."Moonreign" comes to mind, but I am presuming if there is a moon(s) they are still in an orbit. But if they're stationary as well then it would work. In between would simply be "the Nayght"...not day, not night, but both. You've probably already done so. But just thought I'd throw that in.