• NOW LIVE! Into the Woods--new character species, eerie monsters, and haunting villains to populate the woodlands of your D&D games.

My first attempt at fiction.

warlord

First Post
Hey ENworld! Like most of you I'm trying to write my own novel(ok so really its more of a collection of loosly connected short stories) so I decided to post parts I and II to see what people think.

Crusder

1.1 Here in Los Diablos

As the moon rose above central Los Diablos two men walked through the darkneess. "Why the hell are we here?" said the shorter one between pulls of cigarette.

"I told you already" said the taller one "we hunt demons and there’s a demon here so we gotta kill it."

"Alright then lets find the damn thing and kill it." said short one.

"Cain calm down demon hunting takes paitence"

"Not the way I do it." Said Cain. Alomost on cue a group of men step out of the shadows.

"What are two little boys like you doin’ out this late?" asked the largest of the group.

"Well gee sir we were just goin’ out for some ice cream." Said the tall one.

"Good work Da piss him off."

"Shut up Cain."

"Don’t :):):):) with me Damien we got bigger problems."

"So six punks is a problem now?"

"Well" said the leader "if you two are done me and my friends here were gonna get somethin’ to eat."

"And what would that be?" asked Damien.

"You." With looks that lacked any element of surprise Cain and Damien veiw the men’s faces shift to reveal the gaunt flesh of Ghouls.

"Ghouls, that means guns are in." said Damien as he reached into his coat pulling out a pistol.

"And claws Da don’t forget claws" said Cain as his canine teeth and finernails elongate to form claws and fangs and his appearance takes on that of a wolfman.

"You said this would be easy boss!" cried one of the ghoul punks.

"Don’t be so scared of a minor demon and a kid with a gun." scolded the leader while charging Damien.

"Be scared" said Damien as he leveled the pistol at the leader’s head "and dirt" while the shot rang out across the street the leader screamed but was then silenced as he became a pile of bones then dirt. Meanwhile Cain had taken to ripping into the other ghouls with his claws and was now standing in a pile of a dirt that just a moment ago had been four ghouls.

"I got four, you got one that means there’s one left." "Wait I got him" said Cain as he leaped on the fleeing ghoul. Looking the ghoul in the eyes Cain began to speak. "Tell me ghoul do you fear death?"

"No" said the ghoul.

"Fear me" said Cain as he snapped the ghoul’s neck.

"Do always have to give speeches to the canon fodder" said Damien

"Yes, now lets find that demon."

The next day at the local high school. Cain and Damien stand across the street watching the students sit down to lunch. "We have to find the demon Cain. " "I don’t got for this."

"I just want to see her" said Cain "That’s it."

"You can play out your sick obsession over the nered after we kill the demon."

"I’m going don’t try an stop me." Said Cain as he walked arcoss the street towards a table.

At the table two students an average guy with spiky brown hair dressed in a hoodie and jeans and his slightly nerdy red headed friend who’s outfit can only be summed up as a fashion disaster. Before the two men reach the table an extremly attractive Cuban girl arrives at the table. "Landen!, Dallas! Its so good to see you" she says sarcasticly.

"Tami just go" said Landen

"But hurting you two is so much fun." "Anyway Dallas, who dressed you you this morning? " "Was it a retarded box turtle?" clearly enjoying the look of pain on Dallas’s face Tsmi continues. "You truly are the definition of the term homely featured nerd."

Dallas now near tears only can mange a weak "Stop" Landen who had remained reletively in control during Tami’s barrage of insults now looks visibly terrified as he looks up from his lunch to see Cain with his brown trenchcoat flowing behind him revealing stakes and knives walking over with Damien. Cain walking infront of Tami barely takes time to stop moving before puching her in the face and sending her sprawling to the ground.

"You punched out the hot chick!" accused an angy Damien

"She hurt Red so she deserved it."

"You punched out Tami!" yelled an excited Landen "You are so cool!"

Dallas finally looking up to dee what had happened notices Cain jumps up and starts hugging him.

"Cain! I haven’t seen you in years." "How are you?"

"I’m good different but good." said Cain

"Different? Different how?"

"Well for one I met this guy" pointing at Damien "he’s my half-brother."

"Oh that reminds me" running around the table "this is Landen." Said Dallas

"That’s Landen, the my best friend ever Landen." "For some reason I pictured you taller"

"That’s a lot coming from you shorty" said Landen "what are you 5’5?"

"So I’m short you wanna fight about it?"

"Cain don’t" pleaded Dallas "you’ll hurt him."

"Hurt me?" "D I could easily take your little friend" said Landen

"Red I need to show you something, follow me."

As the four of them walk away from the school they are watched by an attaractive girl with dirty blond hair.

When they are about to be out of her lines of sight she grabs her purse and starts to follow the group.

Once the group arrives behind the school Cain calmy hands Damien his coat and shoes with the command of "Hold these" "Now Red I gotta warn what I’m about to show is gonna scare the hell outa you and Lan."

"Its okay Cain we handle it" proclaims a slightly offeneded Dallas.

"Alright then let’s get wild" said Cain. His body immediently starts growing hair as his teeth and finernails elongate into fangs and claws. His face twists to become that of a wolf yet still somewhat human. When its over where Cain once stood a wolfman has taken his place wearing only in the ripped remnents of his jeans.

Damien having watched the event with reletive boredem seems to be holding back a yawn. Landen and Dallas on the other hand are completely terrified and screaming as loud as they can. It is at this time that the girl who’d been trailing them decides to show up. "Great I just move here a few days ago and I already gotta save people from a werewolf."

"Well at least you found something for us kill Cain" said Damien as he flexed his wrists release the stakes he had attached to a device worn inside his coat.

"Guys don’t she’s a student." yelled an arlarmed Dallas.

"What the hell do you mean?" said Damien

"She goes here she’s harmless"

Obviously not content to be harmless the girl engages Cain. Pulling a stake from her purse she stabs him in the side. Enraged Cain lets out a howl of anger as he tosses the girl to the ground. Cain is now looming over the girl cotemplating ripping out her throat. However he never gets the chance right when he’s about to go in for the bite the girl slams the stake into his chest. With a yelp of pain he falls forward on top of the girl and reverts to human form to reveal a bloddy Cain. In horror the girl looks at the hole in Cain’s just inches from his heart.

"Oh God" said the girl "I didn’t know I can find someone who can help him."

"You killed him!" screamed Dallas "You killed him you evil bitch!"

"D relax he’s still breathing" said a very nervous Landen

Picking up Cain’s limp body the girl throws one of his arms over her shoulder. "Help me carry him to Mr. Nord’s history class."

"What’s Mr. Nord gonna do?" "Lecture the wounds away." said Landen

"I don’t time for games just help me carry him." With an annoyed sigh Damien drapes Cain’s other arm over his shoulder and helps the girl carry the unconcious Cain to Mr. Nord’s classroom. Luckily class was in session so nobody saw the group carry a bloody body across the street and through to the school. Bursting in the classroom the girl and Damien set him down on the large table that dominates the room.

"Nord" said the girl in rushed worried tone "guy, werewolf got stabbed need help."

Getting up from his His desk Nord calmly sets down his book and steps into veiw. A tall blonde man dressed in a black suit looking strongly like Dennis Leary. "A werewolf you say?" "Then I think it is best for it to heal naturally."

"What! He’s bleeding all over how’s that gonna heal naturaly" screamed an argy Dallas

"Calm down" said Nord "now Jett what did you stab him with?"

"Your basic wooden stake." "Is that bad?"

"As long its not silver I believe he should be able to regenerate ,most of the damage."

"Regene-what?" asked a puzzled Landen.

"Regeneration" said Nord "a trait possesed by certain types of werewolves and I’m guessing he has it."

"Guessing!" said Dallas angrily "you mean he might not have it."

"Chill Dal" said Damien "He’s got it he gotten over wounds like in a few days." "Now silver there’s somethin’ to worry about."

"What do you mean silver?" asked Dallas.

"Werewolf+silver=bad " said Landen "it’s your basic horror movie stuff."

Dallas’s response was cut off by the event of Cain regaining consiousness. Rushing over to him she immediently starts to inquire about his wellbeing. "Are you ok?"

"I’m fine Red."

"Are you sure that girl stabbed you pretty hard"

"It wasn’t silver so I get over it I’m just lucky she didn’t hit my heart."

Looking at Jett "You were aiming for his heart" said Dallas accusingly

"I’m the Crusader" said Jett "I hunt vampires and ghouls its heart, head, decapitation, neck snap or fire."

"And I should’ve left out Crusader part."

"It’s quite allright Jett the werewolf and the man whom I’m guessing is his brither seem to be demon hunters." Said Nord "And the other two seem to be aware of the supernatural." "So it is best they no more of what is going on."

"So you guys kill zombies and stuff?" asked Landen

"Correct" said Nord "no incorrect a zombie and ghoul are accutually quite different really a zombie lacks sentience and a ghoul can be quite intelligent its fasinating really.

"Ok regular version is zombie dumb, ghoul smart " said Jett "See Nord its easy to sound normal you just have to try."

"Yes, because that is why I’m here so you can help me sound normal."

Cain who had been consious for some time now was ready to get going. "This was fun and all but me Damien gotta go kill us a demon." "Red I’ll call you and Jett you can call me anytime."

"And let get the number for the girl Cain punched out" said Damien as he turned to leave.

"Oh you want Tami’s number ask any jock in school." "That is if your into dating evil bitch queens."

"Alright D you can get the bitch’s number later we gotta kill the demon." Said Cain

"Cain your in no shape to go kill a demon your staying here." ordered Dallas

"They’ll be fine D.. whats your name?" said Jett

"Dallas and that’s Landen"

"Well Dallas they’ll be fine they got me to help them."

"Ok cool we got the Crusader on our side so lets go kill it now." said Damien

"We gone then" said Cain as he grabbed his trenchcoat of a chair and throwing it on as he left. Leaving Damien and Jett standing in the doorway.

"Is he always like that?" aked Jett

"Like what?" said Damien

"All lets go kill something and NOW."

"Only after he almost stabbed in the heart by a hot chick."

"So getting stabbed by ugly girls has no effect on him?" asked Jett jokingly.

"I’m just gonna leave and you can follow if you want." said Damien as he walked off.

Jett quickly followed after.

Later that night Cain, Damien and Jett walk down a dimly lit street. "So what did you say this thing looks like?" asked Jett

"Big, ugly and it had claws." said Cain

"It was a Sharr’ak demon." "That means it’s big, green, reptilian and it has an identifying spinal ridge on his back."

"Sharr’ak demon" said Jett "Let’s see what Nord knows" taking out a cell phone she punches in some numbers and waits. After a few minutes she closes the phone knowing noone will awnser. "He wasn’t there which means we have to do it the old fashioned way."

"You’re right" said Damien "Cain track him."

"Track him?" asked Jett

"Yeah he’s a werewolf so he has a really sharp nose so he goes sniffin’ around until he picks up the scent."

"Or we could just follow the trail of blood I picked up" said Cain

"Blood?." Asked Damien "What kind kind of blood?"

"Human blood"

"We’re looking for demons forget about it"

"Damien! the person could need our help." sid Jett

"And could use the money I’ll get once I kill the Sharr’ak demon."

"And I’m following the blood trail that only I can smell so follow the bloodhound."

"See Damien, Cain wants to help the person."

"Alright lets go" said Damien. With that the two followed Cain as he tracked the scent to an abandoned warehouse off mainstreet.

"The guy’s in there with our demon with alotta vamps and ghouls." said Cain

"Alright lets go in and kill the demon" said Damien

"Wait Damien we don’t know how many evil things are in there."

"You worry too much Jett we can easily take a bunch of basic vamps and ghouls." said Damien

"She’s right."

"Who said that?" asked an slightly freaked out Damien

"I did" said the man as he stepped out the shadows to reveal a tall, dark haired man in black threnchcoat. His appreance can only be described as one that will make any man feel inferiror about themselves. "Don’t worry I’m a friend"

"Who sre you?" asked Jett

"Uriel, they sent me to protect you"

"Who sent you"

"The High Ones"

"So you got sent here by a bunch of guys who can’t put down the weed." said Damien "That’s just great her mysterious protector is a lackey for some stoners"

"There’s more to him then you think D." said Cain "I can smell it"

":):):):) this I’m goin’ in" said Cain throwing off his coat he shifts into a wolfman as he charges the door.

"Let’s party then" said Damien releasing the wrist stakes form his jacket.

Seeing the two brothers charging the warehouse Jett pulls out her stake and runs after as Uriel calmly follows her.

As the four of them crash through the door they are greeted by a group of around 30 vamps and ghouls. The monsters part to reveal the Sharr’ak demon. On his command they all circle around the group.

"We’re :):):):)ed you know that Cain." said Damien. A growl was his only response.

"Why did I go with you two?" said a nervous Jett "Now I’m gonna die before I can drive."

"Stay calm" said Uriel "together we can defeat them."

"You can’t drive?" said Damien

"It doesn’t that really matter right now." said Jett

"On three everyone take a side" said Uriel "One.."

"Three" said Cain as he leaped at a vamp on his side. As soon as Cain moved all broke loose. The vamps and ghouls swarmed the group as the Sharr’ak demon stood back and watched.

Cain having lept on a vamp ripped off his head and tossed it away as it turned to dust. As he did this seven vamps and ghouls circled around him. Letting out the growling equivilent of a laugh he dropped to all fours and began to change. His hair began to grpw longer and his body became more and more wolf like until the thing that was remotly human was his eyes. Once the transformation was done he proceeded to rip apart the seven monster in storm of claws and fangs.

Damien having already released his wrist stakes immidiently impaled two charging vamps in their hearts. Motioning at a ghoul to charge him he waited for it to move. It was dumb enough to take the bait and changed him and got killed seconds later when Damien drove a stake through his skull. Turning to the other four monsters he ran towards them. Two vampires decided to try and take him. So he used his running start to jump kick the two monsters. Staking them once they hit the ground he looked at the twpo fleeing vamps that didn’t stay to fight. Judging the distance between them and him he smiled. Quickly raising his wrist stakes so they were level with the vampire’s hearts he pushed a small buttin located in center of the device holding the stakes to his forearms. The stakes were then launched right into the fleeing vampires hearts.

Jett armed with a stake was busy going hand to hand with two vampires. After delivering several blows to their heads she staked them both one after the other. Reversing the stake she got another one that had attempted to surprised in the aftermath of her first fight seeing she had five vamps and ghouls left she decided to take out the three ghouls first. Thorwing her stake at a ghoul’s head she watched it turn to dirt. Grabing another stake off her belt she staked the other two in head as they charged her. Locking eyes with the two remaining vampires she waited for them to charge her. As they did she flipped over them and quickly staked all three once she landed behind.

Uriel who had been calmly watching the events of battle play out reached inside his coat to reveal a sword. Gripping the handle tightly he charged the eight vampires and ghouls infront of him. He quickly decapitated three vampires. Leaving the five remaining ghouls paralyzed in fear. This mad it relitively easy for him to stab all of them in the head one after the other.

The Sharr’ak demon having watched in horror as the four killed all minions stood his ground. Ready to face off against them all at once. As the four closed in around him he attempted to grab Jett. That plan was ruined when Uriel ran him through on his sword. He was then staked by Jett, shot by Damien and clawed several times by Cain. With his dying breath he managed to say one thing. "You mave have defeated me but you’ll never stop Dialgo."

END
 

log in or register to remove this ad

Part 2

Crusader

1.2 Burning Love


"So you did manage to eliminate the Sharr’ak demon?" asked Nord

"Yeah, he’s as dead as disco." said Damien

"Hey!" accused Landen "dico is still as long as I have platform shoes and bellbottems."

"Are you sure its nessicery he be here?" asked an annoyed Nord.

"Yes, he’s part of the team now."

"Oh go me I’m finally made a real team."

"Back to the important issues" said Nord "now tell me about this Uriel you encountered."

"Dude in a trenchcoat with a sword who can throw down." said Damien

"That’s pretty much it" concluded Cain

"And he was hot!" added Jett

"I don’t think that last point reallly matters" scolded Nord

"It mattered to me." said Jett

Then the bell rang signaling the start of the school day. A group consisting of Cain, Damien, Landen and Dallas quickly rushed out to get to their classes.

"I thought you dropped out of school." Said Damien

"I did" said Cain "I’m just here cause theres only so much to do in a 18$ a day fleabag motel."

"You know you can come live live with me and Dad."

"NO!" yelled Cain "I’m not living with him." "If he didn’t want the bastard son then he sure as hell doesn’t want him now." "Anyway I’m fine where I am and I gotta get Geometry so time soon."

"Ok but if you change your mind I got an extra key" said Damien as he walked away.

Cain did evenually get to Geometry about halfway through the period. When he showed up he was greeted by Mr. Hawkins the Geometry teacher. "And why would you be late sir? "

"I don’t have a watch so I didn’t know it was time for class to start."

"I see, now grab a book from the back and take a seat." Not bothering to grab a book Cain went to back of the room and sat down in the only open seat next to a girl with long light brown hair.

"Sir" said Mr. Hawkins "please grab a book"

"No" said Cain defiently

"I said grab a book" commanded Mr. Hawkins

"I’ll just share with.." grabbing the girl’s book next to him and checking inside for a name "Amber."

"Please grab your own book"

"Its okay Mr. Hawkins" said Amber "I don’t mind if he shares my book."

"Fine, share with Amber just pay attention."

Cain did pay attention except he paid attention to Amber instead of the lesson. When class was over Cain followed Amber out and the began to talk.

"So are you new here?" asked Amber

"Yeah, just moved here a few day ago"

"If you need aomeone to show you around" said Amber as she handed Cain a piece of paper "here’s my number."

"She wants me." said Cain as he watched Amber walk away.

"Who wants you" asked Landen as he walked up beside Cain

"That girl walking away." said Cain pointing at Amber

"That girl is my girlfriend!" exclaimed Landen

"Yet she wants ME" gloated Cain "life’s funny that way."

"You think you can just waltz in here with your leather jacket, dark glasses and check me out I’m Harry Potter meets Fonzie look and get whatever girl you want."

"Basically, except I don’t look like Harry Potter."

"You can’t do that!" whined Landen "It’s not fair"

"You don't get it, I’m a badass." " I do whatever I want and ladies love me for it." "So I’m not gonna have someone like you tell me who’s offlimits."

"Stay away from her" ordered Landen "she’s MY girlfriend."

"Commitment is overrated anyway." said Cain as he walked away

When the group finally met up agin at lunch Landen was still mad. "I don’t get why he thinks he can do whatever he wants?"

"Because he’s Cain." said Damien

"What’s that’s supossed to mean?" asked Jett

"Well" said Damien "Cain has been doing whatever he want since he was 10." "He raised himself after his mom died." "So all those rules we politicly correct folk have don’t apply to him."

"So he had a hard childhood that doesn’t mean he can take my girlfriend."

"You still don’t get it Lan" said Damien "by now your girl is already taken." Spotting Tami across the lunchroom Damien gets up and runs towards her.

"Hey" said Damien

"Do I know you?" asked Tami

"Kind of, my brother gave you that" pointing at Tami’s black eye.

"Oh so you’re the psycho’s brother and you hang with the Freak Squad."

"Freak Squad?"

"Landen and Dallas they’re taotal freaks."

"They’re not that bad."

"So now you’re defending them." "And you expect me to talk to you, well your wrong so leave"

"Alright I’ll go." said Damien as he got up and went back to the groups table.

"How went your encounter with her royal Bitchness?" asked Landen

"She totally blew me off ‘cause I hang with you."

"Well well does Damien want the Bitch Queen?" said Cain sarcasticlly

"At least I’m not trying to get with Landen’s leftovers"

"Virgin boy?" "He can’t even make leftovers."

"Virgin boy!" exclaimed Landen "For all you know I’ve slept with hundreds of women."

"Or none" said Damien "He can smell it with his werewolf nose."

"You can smell THAT" said Jett "Ewww."

"Yeah, Cain that’s kinda personal" said Dallas

"Hey, did I ask to be to givin my amazing smelling ablities?"

"Shut up" said Landen "Amber’s coming"

"Hey Landen." said Amber as she sat down "So do you who that guy I was telling about is?"

"Yes, in fact your knight in cheap leather is right over there." said Landen as he pointed at Cain.

"You never told me your name." Said Amber "and if your gonna have my number I should atleast know your name."

"It’s Cain"

"He has your number!" yelled an angry Landen "It took me two monthes to get your number and he gets it in 45 minutes."

"It was really more like 20." said Cain

"Well he’s new and I thought I’d be nice and show him around."

"You can let Dallas show him around." "She’d love to do that."

"I was just trying to be nice I didn’t know that made you so mad."

"It’s not that Cain’s just different from other guys."

"Oh I get it I don’t care that he’s gay."

"I ain’t gay" said Cain "plus would a gay man do this" getting up he grabs Amber by the arm pulls her up and starts to make out with her on top of the table.

"Get off my girlfriend!" yelled Landen.

"I love this town." said Damien "Its been awhile since I’ve since human on human fight."

"They’re not gonna fight." said Dallas

"Oh yes we are." said Landen "he can’t get away with this."

"He alreay did" said Damien as he pulled Cain off Amber. "And you keep your hormones to yourself."

"I was just proving a point."

"Prove this" said Landen as he punched Cain in the face.

With a growl Cain lashed out with his right hand and grabbed Landen by the neck. "Apoligize to me Lan." "I’d hate to kick your ass in front of your girl."


"No." stated Landen difiently "you deserved that."

"No I didn’t."

"You can’t go around making out with other people’s girlfriends."

"I can and I do"

"That doen’t make it right."

"Your acting like she hated it."

"She did."

"Lets ask her then." "Amber did making out with me just totally suck?"

"Yes."

"See!" yelled a now extremly happy Landen "I win she hated it."

"I.. I gotta go" said Cain as he dropped Landen and ran off.

"What's with him?" asked Jett

"She just totally ripped out his heart!" said Dallas "which is good ‘cause now I can go comfort him."

"Losing to Landen" said Damien "He’ll hear about this one for years."

As the group went their separate ways Dallas went of to find Cain. Even though she was looking for him it was Jett who found himwhen she accidentily went into the boy’s locker room. Looking around she saw claw marks all over the lockers and the walls. "You don’t handle rejection well do you?"

"No I really don’t" said Cain as he stepped out from behind locker wearing only the ripped remnents of his jeans it was proof he had trashed the room in wolfman form.

"You’ll get over it." said Jett "now lets get out of here."

"You don’t get it" said Cain "She was lying I know she liked it."

"Everything doesn’t always go your way" said Jett "So the girl you like has is already taken you’ll find someone else."

"I should’ve known she’d play me like that." said Cain

"What do you mean?" asked Jett

"She played me with the whole here’s my number call me thing"

"She could’ve of just meant what she said." "That she wanted to show you around."

"Right" said Cain sarcasticly "she wants to show me around"

"She wants something from me I just don’t know what it is."

"Not everybody who tries to get know you wants something."

"Yes they do everybody wants something."

"Whatever, put your clothes back on and we’ll go kill some vamps."

"Alright said Cain as he put the rest of his clothes on lets go."

Cain and Jett were about ready to go find some vamps when they noticed it was still late out. "So how are we gonna kill vamps if the sun is still up?" asked Cain

"We’ll kill them once it sets so just go to class."

"I think I’ll just go home" said Cain as he walked away. Once Cain got back to his room at the Downtown Motel he settled in for rathere uneventful night until there was a knock on his door around 5pm. Opening the door he noticed it was Amber. "Can I come in?" she asked

"Sure" said Cain as he held open the door. "I just gotta know how’d you find me."

"I asked Damien"

"How’d you know he knew where I’d be."

"Well they way he was talking about it seemed you two were related."

"Really what’d he say?"

"Not much, just that you’re a walking hormone bomb waiting to go off."

"Well ain’t that nice." said Cain "C’mon I’ll walk you home."

"I live 10 miles away" said Amber

"You walked all the way here didn’t you?"

"Ok then I guess we’ll walk."

Their walk was relitivly uneventful until they reached the edge of the bad side of town. Once they got there the two were immidiently swarmed by a group of street thugs. The lead thug a big man with a scar across his left arm spoke first "Give us your money." He commanded. "Ok" said Amber "just don’t hurt us." Reaching into her pockets Amber produced several 20 doller bills. "Amber don’t" said Cain "these punks ain’t getting’ your money."

"Cain" pleaded Amber "I don’t want to start a fight." "Well we have to fight." said Cain as he took off his jacket. Turning towards the thugs he began to change until his from resembled that of a wolfman. With a growl he leaped at the lead thug. The thug was fumbling for his gun when Cain reached him. With one swipe of his claws Cain left him on the ground bleeding. He then adavanced towards the rest of the group. Seeing him coming one thug broke off and rushed towards Amber as he produced a swichblade. Seeing him move away from the group Cain prepared to folow only to see him burst into flames as he reached Amber who was now screaming in terror. The rest of thugs having witnessed the burning of their friend turned and ran.

Turning towards Amber, Cain resumed his human form. "What are you?" asked a still terrified Amber.

"Werewolf, I’ll explain later." "I think the real question is what are you?"

"What do you mean" asked Amber

"That guy got torched and last time I checked I’m not a living flamethrower."

"I don’t know what happened." said Amber "One second I’m really scared this guy’s gonna knife me and the next he’s a walking fireball."

"Lets just get you home." said Cain

"I’d like that."

When they finally got to Amber’s house it was dark and at least 11. Not wanting to let Cain walk home alone so late Amber forced him to spend the night at her house. When they got to school the next morning Damien was the first to notice Cain was wearing the exact same thing he wore yesterday. "You didn’t?"

"Didn’t do what?" asked Cain

"You know what I mean" said Damien angrily "Just because you make your own rules doesn’t mean you can :):):):) up everyone else’s lives to satisfy your hormones."

"Chill Da I slept on the couch."

"Where’s Nord" asked Cain

"Talk to Jett" said Damien "and why do you neeed to see him?"

"Its Amber she’s a pyro."

"I don’t think that’s a history teacher’s area of expertise."

"Pyrokinetic not pyromaniac."

"You mean like the chick from Firestarter right?"

"Yeah like that" said Cain "Now where’s Jett?"

"Right over there." said Damien pointing to Jett who was busy talking to Amber.

Walking over to them Cain interupts their conversation with a casual "Hey". Turning towards him Amber starts to explain how she was telling Jett about what happened last night. "So Jett already knows I can do the whole fire thing and said we should talk to Nord."

"We?" asked Cain

"Well" said Amber nervously "if you don’t want to I’ll just.."

"Its cool" said Cain " lets go."

When they got to Nord’s room he was busy talking with a student. Noticing the student but apparently not caring Cain walked in grabbed him and with a simple ":):):):) off" pushed him towards the door.

"You know I have certain responsibilities" said Nord

"This is importent" said Cain "Amber’s a pyrokinetic and we need info on it."

"Well is this Amber here?"

"Yeah" said Cain motioning for Amber to come inside room. As Amber walked in and sat down next to

Cain.

"So Mr. Nord, Jett said you could tell me whats the deal with my ability."

"Yes, from what I know about pyrokenisis it is the ability to start fires with one’s mind." said Nord "But I must ask under what circumstances did the power first manifest itself?"

"Last night" said Amber "Cain was walking me home and we got jumped by abunch of thugs." "One attacked me and then he was on fire and screaming before he could hurt me."

"Is he.." asked Nord

"Dead" finished Cain "from what I could see the fire wasn’t gonna stop anytime soon so he’s either dead or extra crispy."

"We’ll assume that he’s dead therefore we know that your power is very dangerous and you must learn to master it." said Nord

"Can you teach me?" asked Amber

"I cannot I have no experience in dealing with such matters." said Nord "But, Cain if he is willing seems to be fitting choice as the one who can teach you to control your pyrokenisis."

"Me?" asked a stunned Cain

"Yes" said Nord "from what I’ve heard from Jett you have managed the gain a good degree over your Lycanthropy." "So much so that you are even able to stop the transformation before its complete."

"So I can control my curse." said Cain "What’s that got to do with Amber?"

"To control your Lycanthropy takes a great deal of mental discipline." "If you could teach Amber some of the techniques you used to gain control of the beast inside you." "She may be able to use that knowledge to gain full control over her pyrokenisis." "And if your up to it some rudimentry combat lessons would be a wise move."

"Well Nord" said Cain "spending all my time locked in room with Amber teaching her how to fight and control the fire thing I just don’t know if I’m up to it."

"I understand" said Nord "we can always find another method to help her gain control."

"I’ll start tomarrow" said Cain "Amber meet me up here after school’s over and we’ll start your training."

"Thank you." said Amber giving Cain a quick hug before starting to leave. "Just don’t tell Landen."


"Got it." said Cain

"Oh and Cain"

"Yeah"

"I enjoyed that kiss."

END
 




Hey just noticed I had 41 veiws and I've only looked at this thread about 10 times so that means more then just Frukathka have read this thread. So I'm just reminding everyone that I'm open to comments. :D :D :D
 

Nice! I'd personally change the beginning of 1.1 though, but then again I have a preference of being drawn into fantasy slowly and subtly. The demon part punched me in the face, so to say, because I didn't know what genre I was reading. :) The short sentences is comic book-like in a good way, I think it's the spacing, it makes me picture each row as a frame in a black and white, Sin City-like comic. Don't know if its intentional but I'd keep it for style.

Cheers,
 

That is s cool! Now I'm Frank Milleresque. That wasn't my original intention the spacing and that comes from my desire to write a tv show. But hey if it works just go with it.
 

Chapter 2 revised

Foeranyone who cares(Hopefully Frukathka) I'm posting my revised version of chapter 2

Crusader

1.2 Burning Love

"So you did manage to eliminate the Sharr'ak demon?" asked Nord

"Yeah, he's as dead as disco." said Damien

"Hey!" accused Landen "dico is still as long as I have platform shoes and bellbottems."

"Are you sure its nessicery he be here?" asked an annoyed Nord.

"Yes, he's part of the team now."

"Oh go me I'm finally made a real team."

"Back to the important issues" said Nord "now tell me about this Uriel you encountered."

"Dude in a trenchcoat with a sword who can throw down." said Damien

"That's pretty much it" concluded Cain

"And he was hot!" added Jett

"I don't think that last point reallly matters" scolded Nord

"It mattered to me." said Jett

Then the bell rang signaling the start of the school day. A group consisting of Cain, Damien, Landen and Dallas quickly rushed out to get to their classes.

"I thought you dropped out of school." Said Damien

"I did" said Cain "I'm just here cause theres only so much to do in a 18$ a day fleabag motel."

"You know you can come live live with me and Dad."

"NO!" yelled Cain "I'm not living with him." "If he didn't want the bastard son then he sure as hell doesn't want him now." "Anyway I'm fine where I am and I gotta get Geometry so time soon."

"Ok but if you change your mind I got an extra key" said Damien as he walked away. While walking Dam,ien began to think about his brother's problems with their dad. "Why does he hate him so much" he thought "I guess its because Dad abandoned him once he found out Cain's mom was carrying him." "And Cain's mom was a crack addict so I doubt she was much of a mom." "But why does he blame Dad for everything his mom put him through?" He wondered "Its like Dad could've stopped it."

Cain did evenually get to Geometry about halfway through the period. When he showed up he was greeted by Mr. Hawkins the Geometry teacher. "And why would you be late sir? "

"I don't have a watch so I didn't know it was time for class to start." said Cain sarcasticly

"I see, now grab a book from the back and take a seat." Not bothering to grab a book Cain went to back of the room and sat down in the only open seat next to a girl with long light brown hair.

"Sir" said Mr. Hawkins "please grab a book"

"No" said Cain defiently

"I said grab a book" commanded Mr. Hawkins

"I'll just share with.." grabbing the girl's book next to him and checking inside for a name "Amber."

"Please grab your own book"

"Its okay Mr. Hawkins" said Amber "I don't mind if he shares my book."

"Fine, share with Amber just pay attention."

Cain did pay attention except he paid attention to Amber instead of the lesson. When class was over Cain followed Amber out and the began to talk.

"So are you new here?" asked Amber

"Yeah, just moved here a few day ago"

"If you need aomeone to show you around" said Amber as she handed Cain a piece of paper "here's my number."

"She wants me." said Cain as he watched Amber walk away.

"Who wants you" asked Landen as he walked up beside Cain

"That girl walking away." said Cain pointing at Amber

"That girl is my girlfriend!" exclaimed Landen

"Yet she wants ME" gloated Cain "life's funny that way."

"You think you can just waltz in here with your leather jacket, dark glasses and check me out I'm Harry Potter meets Fonzie look and get whatever girl you want."

"Basically, except I don't look like Harry Potter."

"You can't do that!" whined Landen "It's not fair"

"You don't get it, I'm a badass." " I do whatever I want and ladies love me for it." "So I'm not gonna have someone like you tell me who's offlimits."

"Stay away from her" ordered Landen "she's MY girlfriend."

"Commitment is overrated anyway." said Cain as he walked away

When the group finally met up agin at lunch Landen was still mad. "I don't get why he thinks he can do whatever he wants?"

"Because he's Cain." said Damien

"What's that's supossed to mean?" asked Jett

"Well" said Damien "Cain has been doing whatever he want since he was 10." "He raised himself after his mom died." "So all those rules we politicly correct folk have don't apply to him."

"So he had a hard childhood that doesn't mean he can take my girlfriend."

"You still don't get it Lan" said Damien "by now your girl is already taken." Spotting Tami across the lunchroom Damien gets up and runs towards her.

"Hey" said Damien

"Do I know you?" asked Tami

"Kind of, my brother gave you that" pointing at Tami's black eye.

"Oh so you're the psycho's brother and you hang with the Freak Squad."

"Freak Squad?"

"Landen and Dallas they're taotal freaks."

"They're not that bad."

"So now you're defending them." "And you expect me to talk to you, well your wrong so leave"

"Alright I'll go." said Damien as he got up and went back to the groups table.

"How went your encounter with her royal Bitchness?" asked Landen

"She totally blew me off 'cause I hang with you."

"Well well does Damien want the Bitch Queen?" said Cain sarcasticlly

"At least I'm not trying to get with Landen's leftovers"

"Virgin boy?" "He can't even make leftovers."

"Virgin boy!" exclaimed Landen "For all you know I've slept with hundreds of women."

"Or none" said Damien "He can smell it with his werewolf nose."

"You can smell THAT" said Jett "Ewww."

"Yeah, Cain that's kinda personal" said Dallas

"Hey, did I ask to be to givin my amazing smelling ablities?"

"Shut up" said Landen "Amber's coming"

"Hey Landen." said Amber as she sat down "So do you who that guy I was telling about is?"

"Yes, in fact your knight in cheap leather is right over there." said Landen as he pointed at Cain.

"You never told me your name." Said Amber "and if your gonna have my number I should atleast know your name."

"It's Cain"

"He has your number!" yelled an angry Landen "It took me two monthes to get your number and he gets it in 45 minutes."

"It was really more like 20." said Cain

"Well he's new and I thought I'd be nice and show him around."

"You can let Dallas show him around." "She'd love to do that."

"I was just trying to be nice I didn't know that made you so mad."

"It's not that Cain's just different from other guys."

"Oh I get it I don't care that he's gay."

"I ain't gay" said Cain "plus would a gay man do this" getting up he grabs Amber by the arm pulls her up and starts to make out with her on top of the table.

"Get off my girlfriend!" yelled Landen.

"I love this town." said Damien "Its been awhile since I've since human on human fight."

"They're not gonna fight." said Dallas

"Oh yes we are." said Landen "he can't get away with this."

"He alreay did" said Damien as he pulled Cain off Amber. "And you keep your hormones to yourself."

"I was just proving a point."

"Prove this" said Landen as he punched Cain in the face.

With a growl Cain lashed out with his right hand and grabbed Landen by the neck. "Apoligize to me Lan." "I'd hate to kick your ass in front of your girl."

"No." stated Landen difiently "you deserved that."

"No I didn't."

"You can't go around making out with other people's girlfriends."

"I can and I do"

"That doen't make it right."

"Your acting like she hated it."

"She did."

"Lets ask her then." "Amber did making out with me just totally suck?"

"Yes."

"See!" yelled a now extremlt happy Landen "I win she hated it."

"I.. I gotta go" said Cain as he dropped Landen and ran off.

"Whats with him?" asked Jett

"She just totally ripped out his heart!" said Dallas "which is good 'cause now I can go comfort him."

"Losing to Landen" said Damien "He'll hear about this one for years."

As the group went their separate ways Dallas went of to find Cain. Even though she was looking for him it was Jett who found himwhen she accidentily went into the boy's locker room. Looking around she saw claw marks all over the lockers and the walls. "You don't handle rejection well do you?"

"No I really don't" said Cain as he stepped out from behind locker wearing only the ripped remnents of his jeans it was proof he had trashed the room in wolfman form.

"You'll get over it." said Jett "now lets get out of here."

"You don't it" said Cain "She was lying I know she liked it."

"Everything doesn't always go your way" said Jett "So the girl you like has is already taken you'll find someone else."

"I should've known she'd play me like that." said Cain

"What do you mean?" asked Jett

"She played me with the whole here's my number call me thing"

"She could've of just meant what she said." "That she wanted to show you around."

"Right" said Cain sarcasticly "she wants to show me around"

"She wants something from me I just don't know what it is."

"Not everybody who tries to get know you wants something."

"Yes they do everybody wants something."

"Whatever, put your clothes back on and we'll go kill some vamps."

"Alright said Cain as he put the rest of his clothes on lets go."

Cain and Jett were about ready to go find some vamps when they noticed it was still late out. "So how are we gonna kill vamps if the sun is still up?" asked Cain

"We'll kill them once it sets so just go to class."

"I think I'll just go home" said Cain as he walked away. Once Cain got back to his room at the Downtown Motel he settled in for rathere uneventful night until there was a knock on his door around 5pm. Opening the door he noticed it was Amber. "Can I come in?" she asked

"Sure" said Cain as he held open the door. "I just gotta know how'd you find me."

"I asked Damien"

"How'd you know he knew where I'd be."

"Well they way he was talking about it seemed you two were related."

"Really what'd he say?"

"Not much, just that you're a walking hormone bomb waiting to go off."

"Well ain't that nice." said Cain "C'mon I'll walk you home."

"I live 10 miles away" said Amber

"You walked all the way here didn't you?"

"Ok then I guess we'll walk."

As soon as the two of them left Cain's room Aber began to bombard him with questions. "So where are you from?" she asked

"Minnesota"

"Ok, then how'd you end up here?"

"When I met Damien we decided to work together so we're here on business."

"Business?"

"Uh.." he replied clumsily "business as in selling stuff." "Me and Da are traveling salesmen mostly vacuums." Looking at Amber there was an obvious look of dread in his eyes as he waited to see if Amber bought his weak excuse.

"Ok then" said Amber "you're from Minnesota and are a traveling salesman anything else I need to know?"

"Nope" said Cain "That's it." "Except" he thought "I have to tell you I'm a werewolf and a demon hunter and the reason I'm here is because I have no one to go back to in Minnesota" "Well" Cain said after a long pause "enough about me lets talk about you."

"Ok, well I live with my Mom and Dad and have been in Los Diablos all my life." "Oh, and I'm dating Landen which you already know." "Besides that my life just isn't that interesting." After that the two of them seemed to run out of things to talk about so they walked in silence until they reached the edge of the bad side of town.

Once they got there the two were immidiently swarmed by a group of street thugs. The lead thug a big man with a scar across his left arm spoke first "Give us your money." He commanded. "Ok" said Amber "just don't hurt us." Reaching into her pockets Amber produced several 20 doller bills. "Amber don't" said Cain "these punks ain't getting' your money."

"Cain" pleaded Amber "I don't want to start a fight." "Well we have to fight." said Cain as he took off his jacket. Turning towards the thugs he began to change until his from resembled that of a wolfman. With a growl he leaped at the lead thug. The thug was fumbling for his gun when Cain reached him. With one swipe of his claws Cain left him on the ground bleeding. He then adavanced towards the rest of the group. Seeing him coming one thug broke off and rushed towards Amber as he produced a swichblade. Seeing him move away from the group Cain prepared to folow only to see him burst into flames as he reached Amber who was now screaming in terror. The rest of thugs having witnessed the burning of their friend turned and ran.

Turning towards Amber, Cain resumed his human form. "What are you?" asked Amber as she backed away in fear managing to stumble into a trashcan in her retreat she fell too the ground "Werewolf" said Cain "I'll explain later." "No!" screamed Amber you'll explain now." "Fine" said Cain "When I was ten I was just walking through Minneapolis on my way back from the mall and I got attacked by this huge dog." "Next thing I know I'm wakin' up at home lying in a pool of blood next to Mom's corpse."

"Mom's corpse?" asked Amber weakly as she slowly backed away while still on the ground.

"YES!" yelled angry Cain "MOM'S :):):):)ING CORPSE!" "There its out" he said more calmly "You know I killed my Mom, now you can run away like everyone else." "'Cause it doesn't matter I had no contol over what I was doing just the fact that it happened is enough to make you hink I'm a monster."

"Cain" said Amber as she got up "I'm sorry I didn't know."

"What" he said "you ain't gonna run?"

In her head Amber was asking herself the same thing. Why shouldn't she run? After all this guy is techniclly a murderer. "No" she said "I'm not gonna run because you need help."

"Help" said Cain sarcasticly "I don't need help." "I've gone six years without help so why do I need it now?"

"Because you need to learn to trust people."

"Why should I trust people if they can't trust me."

"I trust you."

"You barly know me."

"But I still tust you."

"I'm done talking about this" said Cain as he turns around in the direction of his place "I'm going home."

"Wait" said Amber "you have to finish walking me home."

"Alright" said Cain slightly annoyed "I'll finish walking you home"

When they finally got to Amber's house they stop at her doorway. "Ok" said Cain "you're home so I'm gonna go."

"Cain, why don't you just stay here."

"Because I have my own place."

"You're staying" she ordered

"No, I'm goin' home"

"But" she said innocently "I'm all alone and I need a big, strong werewolf to protect me."

Realizing he can't win Cain utters "Fine" and waits for Amber to go inside.

As Amber goes inside she notices Cain still standing in the doorway "Why aren't you coming in?"

"You have to invite me"

"Ok, Cain I invite you in."

"Thanks" said Cain as he walked into the house then he thought to himself "God I can't believe people still buy that I'm a lycanthrope not a vampire."

"You can sleep on the couch" said Amber

"How am I gonna protect you if I'm in here and you're in your room."

"Alright then you can sleep on the floor in my room."

"Ok then"

As the two of them walk upstairs to Amber's room Cain looks around noticing all the pictures of Amber and her parents looking happy together he starts to feel very alone.

"We're here" said Amber as she stopped infront of a door in the middle of the upstairs hallway. "You can sleep over there" motioning at a spot on the fllor in the corner of the room.

As both of them get ready for bed Cain without noticing it says "Amber"

"What?" she asks

"Huh"

"You said my name"

"Oh, I was just wondering back there during the fight that whole flame thing was it your first time."

"First time?"

"Manifesting your powers."

"Yeah, does this mean I'm a monster?"

"No, you're normal I'm a monster you're not like me."

"Yeah I am we're both freaks."

"No, I'm a lycanthrope and you're a pyrokinetic we're not freaks we're just different."

"But everyone else what will they think about us being monsters."

"You're not monster" said Cain starting to get angry "I'M a monster you don't.."

"Don't what?"

"Kill people, Killers are monsters." "You're not a killer so you're not a monster."

"But you don't.."

"Yes I do." "If people get between me and the things I care about they die." "That makes a killer."

"Protecting the things you love doesn't make you a killer."

"Whatever"

"Cain, you're not the man-eating monster you make you're self out to be."

"You're like you said, just different in a I can turn into a big wolf monster way."

"You know Amber you're the first person in a long time who actually seems to understand me." "Now go to sleep, I'll protect you."

Cain didn't actually sleep that night he sat awake the whole night watching Amber sleep so he could protect her.

when they got to school Damien was the first to notice Cain was wearing the exact same thing he wore yesterday. "You didn't?"

"Didn't do what?" asked Cain as he walked towards Damien.

"You know what I mean" said Damien angrily "Just because you make your own rules doesn't mean you can :):):):) up everyone else's lives to satisfy your hormones."

"Chill Da I slept in her room."

"In her room sounds alot like you two did what I think you did."

"In her on the floor all we did was talk."

"Alright then but keeping in mind I'm watching you."

"Where's Nord" asked Cain

"Talk to Jett" said Damien "and why do you neeed to see him?"

"Its Amber she's a pyro."

"I don't think that's a history teacher's area of expertise."

"Pyrokinetic not pyromaniac."

"You mean like the chick from Firestarter right?"

"Yeah like that" said Cain "Now where's Jett?"

"Right over there." said Damien pointing to Jett who was busy talking to Amber.

Walking over to them Cain interupts their conversation with a casual "Hey". Turning towards him Amber starts to explain how she was telling Jett about what happened last night. "So Jett already knows I can do the whole fire thing and said we should talk to Nord."

"We?" asked Cain

"Well" said Amber nervously "if you don't want to I'll just.."

"Its cool" said Cain " lets go."

When they got to Nord's room he was busy talking with a student. Noticing the student but apparently not caring Cain walked in grabbed him and with a simple ":):):):) off" pushed him towards the door.

"You know I have certain responsibilities" said Nord

"This is importent" said Cain "Amber's a pyrokinetic and we need info on it."

"Well is this Amber here?"

"Yeah" said Cain motioning for Amber to come inside room. As Amber walked in and sat down next to

Cain.

"So Mr. Nord, Jett said you could tell me whats the deal with my ability."

"Yes, from what I know about pyrokenisis it is the ability to start fires with one's mind." said Nord "But I must ask under what circumstances did the power first manifest itself?"

"Last night" said Amber "Cain was walking me home and we got jumped by abunch of thugs." "One attacked me and then he was on fire and screaming before he could hurt me."

"Is he.." asked Nord

"Dead" finished Cain "from what I could see the fire wasn't gonna stop anytime soon so he's either dead or extra crispy."

"We'll assume that he's dead therefore we know that your power is very dangerous and you must learn to master it." said Nord

"Can you teach me?" asked Amber

"I cannot I have no experience in dealing with such matters." said Nord "But, Cain if he is willing seems to be fitting choice as the one who can teach you to control your pyrokenisis."

"Me?" asked a stunned Cain

"Yes" said Nord "from what I've heard from Jett you have managed the gain a good degree over your Lycanthropy." "So much so that you are even able to stop the transformation before its complete."

"So I can control my curse." said Cain "What's that got to do with Amber?"

"To control your Lycanthropy takes a great deal of mental discipline." "If you could teach Amber some of the techniques you used to gain control of the beast inside you." "She may be able to use that knowledge to gain full control over her pyrokenisis." "And if your up to it some rudimentry combat lessons would be a wise move."

"Well Nord" said Cain "spending all my time locked in room with Amber teaching her how to fight and control the fire thing I just don't know if I'm up to it."

"I understand" said Nord "we can always find another method to help her gain control."

"I'll start tomarrow" said Cain "Amber meet me up here after school's over and we'll start your training."

"Thank you." said Amber giving Cain a quick hug before starting to leave. "Just don't tell Landen."

"Got it." said Cain

"Oh and Cain"

"Yeah"

"I enjoyed that kiss."

END
 

From a brief read, here's my take:

1) More descriptive details. There's no real sense of setting or atmosphere, and with the large amount of dialogue you've got, it makes the story very hard to get into and stay interested in. Plus it took me a few moments at times to get a sense of who was talking at any given time since they might be described by name at one point, then as 'the tall one' etc or at times without any cue who is saying any given line.

2) Punctuation. It's my bane as well at times, but it's something to pay close attention to when you make revisions :) No need to close quotes around sentences when the same person is still talking.

"Hi I have one idea. And look I have another idea as well to say." As opposed to "Hi I have one idea.""And look I have another idea etc."

Of course my own writing is entirely self taught, so perhaps I'm not the best to be giving advice or any critique.

Now what follows here is how I introduced a story I wrote a little while back, and my method is different from yours, but I think it's worth the comparison simply because it affects the tone of the stories:

me said:
It had been five days of rough hiking out of ‘Death of Innocence’ and the incessant cold fog and sleet had started to take their toll on Joran. His hair was frozen stiff with ice, and his nose and ears ached from the bitter cold that by that point had started to seep into his bones themselves, or so it seemed. And, for a moment, even if only a moment, he questioned just why he was out there risking his life and health in a plane of abject evil. Just why was he out there where the snow frocked trees and fog banks threatened to hide bloodthirsty fiends while they themselves took on shapes, fueled by his imagination, to hint at lurking things that existed only his own subconscious.

Sets up where he is. Shows where he is and what he's doing rather that telling the reader.

My method dialogue is a bit different as well, here is an example from later in the same story:

me again said:
“Out of curiosity, and I hope I’m not too terribly crass in asking this, but what exactly is your heritage? I’m tempted to say an Aasimar of perhaps cervidal descent, or perhaps some manner of tiefling.” Joran’s question hung on the air for a moment before she chuckled and replied.

“Nothing at all of the sort, and about as far away from the former as you could get actually, but that’s neither here nor there. Suffice to say you wouldn’t have run across one of my kind before, there’s not very many of us still lingering about the planes.”

As Tellura answered his question, out in the forest came the distinct sound of movement around the clearing from at least two different places. It was perhaps just possibly a tree branch or two breaking under the weight of the ice that coated them, but to Joran’s ears it sounded like heavy footsteps. The moment that he stood up and turned to glance out into the darkness Tellura smiled and her dancing shadow that was cast out onto the boulder behind her smiled back, mirroring the expression that Joran never saw.

“Oh hells, that was no trick of the light or the wind in the trees. There’s something out there and there’s more than one of them. I’m a fool for not noticing it sooner. Whatever it is they’ve been circling the camp while we’ve been talking. If you have anything to defend yourself girl, get it ready.”

I try to avoid long strings of dialogue without something to break up the monotony, some sort of action or description. When there's only two people talking to one another you can get away with more, but when there's more than say 3 people, you need to be careful to not confuse the reader about who is talking at any given moment.

But this is just my opinion, take it as you will.
 

Into the Woods

Remove ads

Top