My first attempt at fiction.

[Berandor]

I read the first of your stories, and here are my two eurocents:

Writing snappy dialogue is hard, but there are spots were you manage to do so quite well. You stay reasonably close to the source, which is important with a parody, and still go a slightly different way, which is equally important so as not to be too predictable. It's a quick read, and fairly entertaining. Having Giles/Nord "lecture wounds away" was a funny bit, and the "they need help" - "I need money" exchange, too.

However (my version of but ), if you're serious about publishing this (other than on a message board), you should seriously consider writing your own characters. With free fan stories, you can get away with a copyright notice, when you want to publish/sell something, there's probably a lot of licensing hassle involved. I don't know US copyright law, however.

Furthermore, while I might read this story in a forum like this, I wouldn't pay for it. First off, you need to work on your grammar/punctuation. There are incomplete sentences, switches between past and present tense, and some spelling mistakes. Punctuation is also often disregarded. Adhering to these rules can be tedious, especially when you're not used to it, but it makes your writing a lot clearer and easier to understand.

In the same vein, your text could use more desciption. One of the things I tend to do is write far too little dialogue (I'm consciously trying to get better there), so that's not a probelm of yours. But I need something more to ground that dialogue in. Who's talking? What's happening while they talk? I can assume a lot of things, but if I have to assume everything, then I lose interest. It's too much work.

For example, Cain punches Tami, sending her sprawling. And then? Do other students notice it, get a teacher, call police? Is Tami hurt, does she bleed, does she run away, start to cry? And why doesn't Dallas look up at the sound of someone being hit so hard she is thrown backwards?

But the best tip I can give you is maybe the most-quoted writing advice, ever: Just keep on writing. Only by writing can you hone your style and, indeed, form a style of your own at all.

Good luck!

 

[warlord]

Yeah, I know I got stuff to work on. That's why I've posted it on severl message boars so I can get feedback form more people. About the moving away from the stories being primarily dialouge I;m not sure how to do that soomthly so any advice on that would be appreciated.

 

[Berandor]

I don't know how useful I can get, but I'll try.

One thing to do would be to look at your favorite author and how he does things you'd like to improve on, and then try to emulate him. If it seems you're copying his/her style, that's not a problem. Sooner or later, you'll develop your own style. I know I can look at stories I wrote and say "That's when I read Stephen King, and that's my Terry Pratchett phase, and here I discovered Elizabeth George, ..." Even now, the books and authors I read inspire me, and sometimes months or years later something crops up in a story that is clearly based on something I've read.

Another option would depend on your personality. If you're a very visual person (as I am), then imagining the scene might help you. Try to see it in your mind, every detail, and what might happen. Pull images from your experience. Have you ever seen someone get beaten in school? What happened? What do you usually put on a table outside of school? Are there papers, pens to get knocked over? A soft drink that can spill? Are there pupils playing football, or some students sitting on the lawn? The same with people talking. Imagin your friends Maxine and Sean when they say something. How does it differ between the two? Maxine's always pulling at her hair, saying everything in a nasal whine, and Sean's constantly chewing gum and mumbling the last syllable of longer words?

If you're an analytical person (as I pretend to be), you might make a checklist instead. What could happen, and what does probably happen? What are the different ways a person can say something or react to something? What way is most fitting here?

And the last way to improve would be to simply try. Try to include descritpions in different ways until you find one that feels natural.

If you're not sure, solicit opinions, like here. There are also writer's message boards and mailing lists that might help you, as well as friends and family (but tell them to be honest! that's very important. You don't want to be the guy/gal on TV whose parents say they're the best singer ever, and out comes a tonal nightmare, unless you want to be a fifteen-minute-internet fad).

I'm not a teacher for creative writing, so my suggestions are more "self-help" than anything. If you want a book on writing, Stephen King's "On Writing" (incidentially) is one of the better ones out there. And there are a *lot* out there.

 

[Rodrigo Istalindir]

Yeah, I know I got stuff to work on. That's why I've posted it on severl message boars so I can get feedback form more people. About the moving away from the stories being primarily dialouge I;m not sure how to do that soomthly so any advice on that would be appreciated.

Listen to Berandor. Not only is he a disgustingly good writer in what isn't even his native language, his has a good ear and almost always provides very pertinent criticism. Also, you may want to check out the Ceramic DM story competition and give that a try next time it rolls around.

 

[warlord]

Thanks for all the help guys. I should have part 3 posted soon.

 

[Berandor]

Listen to Berandor. Not only is he a disgustingly good writer in what isn't even his native language, his has a good ear and almost always provides very pertinent criticism. Also, you may want to check out the Ceramic DM story competition and give that a try next time it rolls around.

Aww

Thank you.

 

[warlord]

Ok so it took longer then I thought but I'm posting part 3 anyway.

Note: Cain can now just grow Sabertooth style claws and fangs not turn into a wolfman. Also the city is called Newcastle not Los Diablos.
Don't read this its not done

1.3 the Biting

"Master I haver news" said a lone vampire while bowing before a man dressed in a Victorian style suit.

"Speak my minion" said the man

"Its the hunters they followed the demon and eliminated him."

"That is most unfortunate"

"There is morer my Lord, the Crusader was with them"

"This" said the man "does not please me" reaching to his belt he pulled out a sword and preceeded to decapitate the vampire.

Later that day the group gathered in the halls awaiting the days end.

"So Amber" said Landen "if your not busy maybe we could you know go do stuff."

"Uh I.. can't"

"Why! whats so importent that you need to blow off your boyfriend that you haven't spent time with in 3 days.'"

"I have to practice something with a certain person" said Amber nervously

"And who would this person be?" asked Landen accusingly

"I can't tell you." "You'll be mad."

"Mad, why would I be mad its not like its Cain." Looking at Amber all he gets in response is a blank steer.

"It is Cain, well it was nice dating you but we can break up now"

"Break up?" said Amber "why would we do that?"

"Because!" yelled "You totally want him and I can't compete with Werewolf Wonder Boy."

"We'll talk later I'm late so bye."

Walking up to Nord's room Amber sees Cain waiting by the door. "You're late."

"I know, I'm sorry but I had Landen issues"

"Its cool just follow me" walking into the room Cain opens a closet in the back of the room and pulls out two swords. Keeping one for himself he tosses the other to Amber.

"What are these for?"

"I'm gonna try and kill you... don't let me" Immidiently after he's done talking Cain grips the sword and rushes towards Amber easily knocking her and her weapon the the ground.
"Now, lets go over your form." "It sucks you left yourself completly open."

"Sorry its my first time using swords."

"Its ok" said Cain as he brought the tip of sword at Amber's neck "Just tell me I can take to a movie on Saturday on we'll forget about this."

"But" she protested "I'm dating Landen"

"And if I wanted to I could decapitate you." "So Amber if you want to keep that pretty little head of your's say yes."

"Fine pick me up at seven just don't tell Landen."

"Cool now lets see what you can do..."

Meanwhile outside Landen and Dallas are walking home talking about Landen's current situation. "I can beleive he thinks he can just waltz in with his whole badass act and take her away."

"I know!" complained Dallas "I saw him first Cain's mine."

"You do know we're talking about Cain taking Amber from me."

"No we're talking about Amber taking Cain from me."

"Ok so we have a misunderstanding in the topic of conversation but we can help eachother."

"What? How?"

"I want Amber back and you want Cain."

"I help you and you help me."

"Ok so what do you we do?"

"See thats the problem I don't know yet."

At about 6pm Damien walked alone through the school making his way to Nord's room. As he opened the door he saw Amber siting on top of Cain both of them watching a pile of flaming books. "Am I interrupting something?"

"Oh hey Da" said Cain quickly "I was just showing Amber how to control while under pressure."

"By having her sit on you?" "If this is how you get girls to touch you you're pathetic"

"Well this all factors into her body temperture which affects her ability to produce fire." "And I provide a distraction so really I'm just helping her learn to control her powers." "Plus" he said as he reached and grabbed Amber then proceeding to toss her towards Damien it teaches her to be ready for anything."

"The importent thing is that she belives that."

"Hey" said Amber "I didn't agree to let you train me so you could toss me around."

"Calm down that was supossed to teach you to be able react at any moment."

"Just don't throw me anymmore"

"Okay no more throwing." turning to Damien "Why are you here?"

"We have to go hunt vampires with Jett."

"Alright" said Cain as he got up "Amber today's lesson is over." "grab a stake and follow me."

"Follow you?" asked Damien

"Yeah field work is alot better for training then what I can teach her here at least combatwise."

"So your going to teach her how to fight and do the Firestarter thing by throwing her at vampires?"

"Basiclly"

"Fine, but she's your responsibility." "If she dies you have to tell Landen."

Apparently Cain didn't hear the last part because he walks right past Damien not even bothering to aknowledge him. "Damien?" asked Amber "what do you mean die?"

"Don't worry" said Cain "I'll protect you"
"Uh ok then lets go."

"Follow me."

The three of them meet outside the school infront of Damien's car a black Caddilac that looks like its from the 80's.

"Shotgun!" exclaimed Amber as she moved towards the passenger's side door.

"Uh.. ok" said Cain as he popped the trunk producing a silver sawed off shotgun with a stake attached like a bayonet and tossed it towards Amber.

Catching the shotgun Amber stared at it blankly. "I just wanted to sit in front."

Damien having had time to examine the shotgun Cain gave Amber was now looking upset. "Cain" he yelled "why did you give her Lucille."

"Who's Lucille?" asked Amber

"Damien's shotgun, the one your holding."

"Oh" said Amber as she handed the gun to Damien "you can have it."

"I can't believe you gave her my shotgun."

"Get over it, she did give it back."

"Lets just go get Jett" said Damien as he got into the driver's seat.

"Fine." said Cain as he climbed in back

As the car approached Jett's house Damien eased his foot on to the brake. Once the car came to a stop the three of them got out and approached the door.

"Why can't you just honk real loud?" asked Cain

"Because its rude" replied Damien

"Since when did you care.."

"Guys!" exclaimed an annoyed Amber "I'm no gonna listen to you fight." as she finished scolding them she rang the doorbell. After several moments a woman awnsered the door. She was somewhat taller then normal. At least 2 inches taller then Cain. She had shoulerlength blonde hair and was very obviously Jett's mom.

"You must be Jett's friends, please, come in."

"Thanks Mrs.." said Damien quckly

"Brady," said th woman "its Mrs. Brady you can call me Marsha."

"Marsha, huh" said Cain "wonder where Mr. Brady is?"

"Right here" said a tall brown haired man as he steped out of what appeared to be the kitchen.

"Oh" Cain replied quickly "hey."

"Please" said the man while extendeding his hand "Call me Jonathan."

"Sure thing Johnny" said Cain as he quickly shook the man's hand.

"Jett and her friends are in the basement." said Mr. Brady "I think she's expecting you."

walking downstairs the three of them noticed Jett laying on the couch watching tv with Landen and Dallas seated on the floor infront of her.

"Jett" said Damien "time to go we got vamps to hunt."

"Later" she replied

"What?"

"Watching movie" she said while pointing at the tv screen that appeared to be playing Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.

Looking at the screen Cain scoffed loudly "You actually like that ."

"What do you mean?" asked Dallas

"Harry Potter." he replied "It's tatol JK Rowling is just some failed Wicca who gets cheap thrills from making us supernatural folks look bad."

"Failed Wicca?" asked a puzzled Dallas

"Witch, a female practitioner of magic." replied Cain "And also technicaly a follower of the neo-pagan Wicca religion."

"Oh" she sais "I take you don't like her then."

"Obviously" Cain replied

"So" said Damien "are we gonna go kill vampires or not?"

"maybe tomarrow" said an anooyed Jett "I'm busy trying to be normal."

"How 'bout ghouls?" asked Damien "I'll settle for ghouls." "Hell I'll evenm take zombies."

"No, no and no." replied Jett "tonight I'm being normal no hunting anything."

"Fine" sciffed Damien grudgingly "no killing." Admitting deafeat Damien sat down on the floor next to Dallas and started to watch the movie. He was quicly follwed by Cain and Amber who sat down next to eachother in the couner of the room.

"Look at her" said Landen angrily "She's all over him."

"Calm down" said Damien "they're just friends"

"Yeah" said Jett "and they can like totally hear you."

"That's right Lan" said Cain "I hear you."

"Good, then you can hear me tell you to stay the hell away from my girlfriend."

"Can't do that." Cain said flatly "We're just to good of friends."

"Just leave her alone and find your own girlfriend."

"Girlfriend!" yelled Cain "she's not my girlfriend I wouldn't do that to her."

"What do mean do that to her?" asked Dallas

"Nothing." Cain replied quickly "I meant nothing."

"You know damn well you meant something so spill." ordered Landen

Getting up Cain walked over to Landen and grabbed him "Listen Virgin boy I ain't her little lycanthrope lover boy so lay off."

"Just leave her alone."

"You ain't worth it." said Cain as he let go of Landen and walked upstairs to leave.

"Good work" said Damien "now he's gonna kill you."

"Let him try as long as he learns to stop trying to steal my girlfriend."

"Why are so paranoid?" asked Dallas angrily

"What?"

"You always think he's trying to take her from you so you act all mean."

"Whoa, wait a minute D." "Why do I sound like the bad guy here."

"Because you are" said Amber

"Not you too."

"Yeah me too, he's trying to help me."

"With what? you're pesky not sleeping with him problem."

"No, with my pyro-thingny."

"Pyrokenisis." corrected Damien

"What's that?" asked Jett

"Just watch Firestarter."

"Cool." said Landen "its like I'm dating Liz."

"Liz?" asked Amber "Are you cheating on me?!"

"No, Liz from Hellboy."

"Hellboy?"

"Oh its this reallyu cool comic with a demon who works for the BPRD and nevermind."

"No wonder you're a virgin." Damien laughed

"And a bastard." added Dallas angrily

"Hey check out Dallas with the bad language." said Jett

"How am I a bastard?" "In case you didn't hear me Cain's trying to take my girlfriend."

"That's why you're a bastard." "He tries to help and you just go and be mean."

"You can't honestly wanna take his side."

"I do and I am." said Dallas as she got up to leave

Walking out of the Brady's house Dallas spotted Cain looking into the basement window. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing." he replied "Absolutlty nothing."

"Are watching Amber?"

"No."

"You are."

"No I'm not."

"I'm not stupid Cain I can tell that you like her."

"I don't like Amber I just think she's hot."

"Stop lying to yourself."

"Red!" Cain yelled "I don't like Amber!" "We're friends, thats it."

"Besides you know I'm into you."

"What?"

"C'mon Red, do you really think that I went to camp all those years for the computers."

"Well yeah I did."

"I went because of you."

"Really?"

"Yeah, before I met Damien you were kinda the only friend I had."

"But you only saw me two weeks a year."

"Yeah, but those were the best two weeks of the year... and I am totally pathetic."

"You're not pathetic."

"Look at me, I'm standin' here tellin' how you're the person I've ever cared about and still trying to look all badass."

Opening her mouth about to say something Dallas stopped and then quickly kissed Cain then pulled back.

"Huh" muttered a surprisewd Cain

"I'm sorry" apoligized Dallas "its just that guys never really like me like that and you were sounding all romantic and.."

"Red" he interupted "don't talk." Than he grabbed Dallas pushed her up against he side of the house and they started to kiss.

Sitting lazily on the floor Damien was half sleeping half watching the movie when he noticed Cain and Dallas out the corner of his eye. "So he finally admitted it." he thought to himself. Focusing back on the screen he continued to struggle to stay awake until he heard Amber scream. Looking towards the window he saw Cain his face contorted into something predetory and animalistic sinking his teeth into Dallas's neck. Getting up he jumped through the window and tackled Cain. "What the Hell do you think your doing!" he yelled angrily

"I don't know." said Cain franticly "She just.. smell.. I'm sorry."

"That ain't gonna work." said Damien as he reached into his coat and withdrew a silver pistol.

"I won't do it again just please don't."

"You can't go around bitin' girls 'cause you don't know hopw to control the animal inside."

"You think I funkin' wanted to do that!" "I don't have control over these things."

"You do, you just don't know it."

"Wait" said Jett as ran outside followed by Landen and Amber. "Why the hell did you do that?!" yelled Jett as she punched Cain in the face sending him to the ground.

Looking up Cain could only magange a weak "I don't" before he was cut off by Landen.

"You do know so tell me."

"I don't kno-" Cain tried to relpy but was kicked in the face by Landen before he could finish.

"I said tell me!" he yelled

"That's right Cain" said Damien as he pointed the gun at Cain's head "tell us."

"I just happenned and I don-" Landen kicked him in the face again before he could finish.

"Wrong awnser."

"Stop!" yelled Amber "He didn't know what he was doing."

"Don't defend him!" yelled Landen angrily

"Sorry I already am."

"Get outta way" said Damien tightning his finger on the trigger.

"Don't" she replied angrily as his gun burst into flames.

"!" Damien yelled as he dropped his gun.

"Amber" said Jett calmly "get out of the way"

"No, I won't let you hurt him."

"Well" said Damien "then will have to move you" Quickly tossing Amber aside Damien walked toward Cain who was still laying on the ground lookng up at the group. "Any last words animal?"

"I'm not" said Cain as he returned to his human face "an animal"

"Stop." said Dallas weakly as she struggled to sit up "its not his fault I shouldn't of.."

"No!" yelled Landen "it is his fault he's a monster."

"Aren't we all monsters?" said Uriel as he dtepped mysteriously out of the shadows.

"How the hell did you get here?" asked Damien

"It is unimportent" said Uriel "I have something to show you."

"What?" asked Landen

"This." Uriel then placed his hand on Cain's forehead and it jerked violently backward as he took the memory of Cain biting Dallas. He then placed that same hand on Landen's forehead and Landen began to experience the memory.

He had no idea what wa s happening one second he was geeting pissed at Landen the nex him and Red are making out on the side of Jett's house. He knew he wanted this girl. Everything about her drove him crazy her look, her hair and that smell. There ws something about her scenmt that just set him off he just had to know where it came from he had to know what she tasted like. So before he could stop himself he started to tap into the beast that lived inside him. The next moment he had claws and fangs perfect for getting that one bite. His teeth sunk into her neck and as the blood and skin touched his tounge he stopped. What the hell was he doing? He's not a vampire he doesn't frink blood and doesn't eat people either. The longing was quickly replaced with guilt over what he'd just done but yet he couldn't seem to stop until Damien hit him.

Coming back to the present Landen fell to his knees. "I didn't know." he said in fearful voice "why would I do that."

"I?" said Jett "What'd you do to him?"

"I gave him Cain's memory." said Uriel "He now understands why Cain bit her."

"So" said Damien "you gonna tell us what happened Lan?"

"I..uh..Cain bit because of something to do with her smell and the beast inside him."

"I told you" said Damien "you gotta keep the wolf in check."

"I know" agreed Cain as licked his lips to get rid of the blood.

"Did you just do what I think you did?" asked Jett

"Depends, what do you think I did?"

"You drank the rest of blood around your mouth."

"Yeah so what?" "I already boit the girl might as well go all the way."

"You do that" said Landen "just go turn us all into werewolves."

"She won't."

"She won't what?" asked Jett

"Turn ino a werewolf I can only infect people in wolf form."

"Is something bad gonna happen to her?" asked Landen

"No."

"So nothing else is gonna happen on top of that neck wound."

Helping Dallas stand up Cain looks at her neck "It ain't that bad I've done worse."

"You've done worse?!" exclaimed Jett

"Leave him alone" said Dallas "its not his fault."

"It is I don't care if he has some inner animal he can't go around doing that."

"Jett" said Cain "I didn't mean to hurt her it just happened."

"Go home Cain and don't bite anyone on the way."

"Alright I'm gone." said Cain as he walked away.

"Why are so hard on him?" asked Amber

"Hee needs to learn to control the monster inside" said Damien

"Its not his fault." "He didn't ask to get attacked and turn into one."

"But it happened and now he's gotta to deal with it."

"Well maybe Uriel could give us more information" sadi Jett but when she looked to where he used to be standing he was gone. "ok thats freaky, so I'm gonna go inside and try to forget tonight happened."

"Ok so we'll meet up tomarrow at school." said Landen

"Sure we'l have a meeting" said Dallas

"You gonna be ok?" asked Damien

"You could walk me home." said Dallas "but dion't try anything because I'm still trying to seduce your brother."

"Seduction!" said Landen in fake shock "I'm apalled."

"Later" said Damien as he and Dallas walked away.

Jett went back into the house leaving Amber and Landen alone. "So" said Landen as they started walking "do you like him?"

"No" she said "we're just friends."

"But you spend so much time with him."

"But which one of you have I been dating for a year?"

"Me."

"See your my boyfriend and he's my friend."

"But he's.."

"All tiny and puppyish." "It's so cute."

"Cute?, puppyish? you do know I'm the bouyfriend?"

"Well he is and really nice and vulnerable he just needs someone to protect him."

"Vulnerable?" said a surprised Landen "Have we met same Cain?" "'cause the one I know gets off on biting people that isn't vulnerable."

"He's just misunderstood."

"He's an animal Amber you saw what he did to Dallas."

"You heard the freaky trenchcoat guy that wasn't his fault it was the werewolf's"

"He is the werewolf."

"Landen" said Amber angrily "go home."

"What?"

"Go home because you're staying at my house."

"But?"

"But what Landen is this some how Cain's fault too."

"No, but why?"

"Beacuse we're over."

"Over?" Landen asked

"Yes!" she exclaimed "over, broke up."

"Why?"

"Because you can't deal with the one friend that I have."

"You have other friends."

"No I don't."

"But Dallas and Jett.."

"Are your friends" she interupted.

"Ok I see how it is." Landen said "You want Cain and now your panicking because you saw how close him and Dallas are so your ditching me."

"No I'm ditching you because your narrow-minded and don't trust me anymore."

"I trust you."

"Then why won't you let me be around Cain?"

"I don't trust him."

"See thats what I'm talking about." "If you can't trust my friends you trust me."

"Amber." he peaded as she walked up to her front door

"Bye Lan." she said as shut door the door leaving him standing outside alone.

END