This is an early draft of chapter 1 of my novel. The elevator pitch is "Game of Thrones in Space". I'm under no illusion that I'm any GRR Martin, but it's an exercise in personal fulfillment. (This is also an RPG setting, but that's by-the-by).
Anyhow. This is the very first draft. It has not had an editing pass either by myself or an editor (two necessary steps), but I wanted to put it out there just to put a stamp on it and say "I'm doing this!", even if only to myself. That said, I would super-appreciate any constructive feedback anybody has time to offer. I've already got a mini "setting bible" of terminology, lists of Houses, a map of the Cauldron, and so on, and I have an overall storyline planned out, but I don't want to spoil anything. This chapter is very introductory as we get to meet some of the various groups in the setting.
So for anybody who has been kind enough to read it, I am struggling with a certain decision. There are two 'rag-tag' groups -- the Pride of Scorpio, and the Underdog. Thematically, they're a little similar, and I've been considering folding them into one group, with the Murray's Folly section occurring just before the Dawn Station section. Did anybody find them distinct enough that they feel they are better served as two groups?
I've just finished Chapter 2. I have the whole thing planned out. Here's a Dramatic Personae as far as Chapter 2.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
DAWN STATION
CAITLIN LARSSON, captain of the UNDERDOG
MANNY DORS, first mate of the UNDERDOG and ex-soldier
JIALEF, commander of Dawn Station
MAXIR TASE, a criminal
SIRENE GALLANT, owner of The Pirate’s Nest
LAMBDA U
WILLEM, an annalist
HOUSE ARGUTE
LADY PETRIA ARGUTE, head of House Argute
HOUSE BROTHARION
ARCHDUKE PERIUS BROTHARION, eldest son of House Brotharion
HOUSE JERVASOS
COUNT GARO JERVASOS, head of House Jervasos
LADY ALIVA JERVASOS, his young daughter
JARNE, her friend
JEROM FARGER, a seneschal
HOUSE KRYOMER
DUKE GODEFREY KYOMER, head of House Kryomer
STEWARD GALLES KRYOMER, his younger brother and head of the navy
CONSUL PASCAL ILESE, consul to Duke Godefrey
LEGATE DANIAL NOMIE, a high ranking officer
SPEAKER MICHEL GUILLEM, chairman of the Chamber
HOUSE INNENOTDAR
LADY VITTORIA INNENOTDAR, head of House Innenotdar
HOUSE JANRECK
LADY MARO JANRECK, head of House Janreck
VALA LEITHARC, a prefect
ZALEE, a child
TARTARUS
BILDA SCARRA, a crime lord
DIN SCARRA, his son
MION SCARRA, his daughter
GROMOV, a henchman
JAINE ‘JACKHAMMER’ DEVRIES, unofficial heavyweight champion of the Cauldron
JARR FIEYO, a crime lord
ARUGA, a Bragi racing pilot
THE PRIDE OF SCORPIO
PERIAS, a pilot and smuggler
ENNA, a pilot and smuggler
KASNIR, a medic
AARIC, an engineer
SANNAH, a thief
BROTHERHOOD OF THE SAPPHIRE STAR
THE MATRIARCH, a mysterious figure
GRAVE PIKE, minister attached to House Brotharion
MOURNING SPEAR, minister attached to House Kryomer
TRAILBLAZER 9 HEAVY
CAPTAIN ROMANO, captain of TB9H
DOUBLE, twin deckhands
POLK, Houseki first mate of TB9H
SCORCH, a navigator
TANK, a rock wrangler
YANA DELANCEY, a cargo chief
GRENA BRENE, a rock wrangler
JAX, a deck hand
— who is JAINE ‘JACKHAMMER’ DEVRIES, unofficial heavyweight champion of the Cauldron
That is an extensive list of characters. Will take a lot of effort, to keep them different from each others, and track their stories. Those two groups well if they serve different purposes then keep them, if they have the same make them one, but then you have a to great group.
One thing I noticed when reading it is that it is difficult to read something that shifts scenes so much (it works in TV/film if the scenes are separate enough, but is harder in print). Another is that the intentionally corrupted titles, seem a bit odd (and are not always consistant), and feels like this is a society that relies on oral tradition, and not the written word.
I am not certain I get the intended tech-level here. I can tell that it is old, and decaying. Gives a little Warhammer 40K-feel, while the houses feel more Dune.
As you know, for the last few years I have focused on becoming a writer, studied the ancient ways and joined critique groups. Such that I think I know a thing or two about writing... That and the coin in your pocket will buy you a cup of coffee.
Let's hit the logistical stuff first:
a) welcome to Write Club. Keep Writing.
b) The layout was hard to read, the standard is 12pt font, 1" margins and double-spaced (normally for red-marking and some people DO print out and markup first). But really, this will help us all read it digitally for feedback on PC or kindle). I read lots of manuscripts for people, this is how we all do it. Extra points for line numbers (because then I can tell you where a problem is easily since I can't mark this up).
c) If you plan to traditionally publish, do not post your work in public or it will count as Published and you won't be able to sell it (they want First Rights). Use Writing.Com to share with members there OR Google Docs and invite specific people, gDocs is awesome for feedback because I can mark a section and add a comment or suggest a change. It's what I use with my Alpha and Beta readers.
d) I know well the temptation of sharing the "look at what I just wrote" with others, but mistakes detract from your goal, even though you told us to ignore the mistakes. This wasn't riddled with them, but it's "better" to share the second draft...
At the Woodlands Writing Guild, we encourage writers to publish their work. Before that, writers bring their darlings to critique meetings. Where mistakes get found. Some critiquers can’t see past the errors to the gem of the story. This is also true of editors, agents, and friends. So you owe...
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Observations and Advice:
a) Your first sentence needs to hook me. Do you want to hang your sales on "Annalist Willem turned the page, grunting as a drop of foul-smelling water landed on the ancient text." or go for something that hints at what the novel is about while making me read more. The classic I point to is "The building was on fire and it wasn't my fault." which shows the character's snarky tone, implies, setting things on fire happens a lot, and makes me wonder why it's not his fault this time. The last drives me to read more. Later in this section, you do that better, when Willhelm gets to the chief monk and you can hint at the thing in the book being secret knowledge. A starting line that sets that up might help.
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b) Too many names and Point of View. The general advice for a novel is one point of view per chapter (ala GoT). Also, POV is sacred, don't give it to everybody, just characters who will experience a full arc. This one chapter zooms us through so many groups that it's harder to follow, and harder to care. I am NOT an expert on how to do third person omniscient, but it's easier for readers to root for specific characters if the camera follows one person in a scene.
When it comes to Point of View, the vastness and the complexity of the topic makes it all too easy for authors to accidentally stumble into POV problems. But fear not! Today, we're going to clean everything up.
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c) use said or action to tag dialogue. All the old replied, quipped, responded, declared is 1980's rubbish (yeah, I had to unlearn that, too). You've also got walls of dialog. Intersperse some action in there. Not just crossing the room (or legs) as they talk, but doing stuff (hand me that spanner, duck under a rusty pipe).
In this post, the second in a two-part series, award-winning author Eleanor D. Trupkiewicz follows up on her discussion of realistic dialogue with an impassioned plea on using dialogue tags and attributions, emphasizing the use of "said."
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d) this felt rushed. Since Willy got taken out in the first page, I clung to the first ship and crew as "the people to follow" and then we zoomed through danger place and getting haunted so fast that it was over and I missed the scary stabbing before I could feel it. Then we were off to the next group of people. One chapter per POV will help, but you gotta spread the peanut butter of pacing out. A chapter is typically 3K-5K words. Mine are shorter than that, but I try to setup what's going on, what is the POV MC's goal, the attempt, and emotional and rational reaction to the outcome leading to the decision of what to do next. Parts of that is called Scene and Sequel
Hi everyone! We are diving right into the thick of writing technique with a guest post by author Raven Oak, who is joining us to talk about the successful pattern of Scene and Sequel. This is a must read, especially for those who do not know about this technique. Trust me, your writing will...
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e) Show, don't Tell. There's a couple kinds of Telling, but they all lead to speed racing through the course instead of letting me experience what's going on. That happened with the Ghost infection of Aaric the Stabber. Telling's dirty cousin Exposition also snuck in at this passage: Duras’s 7th Fleet is blockading Concordant at the behest of the Brothers of the Sapphire Star. The fleet is commanded by BARON MAGHA, accompanied by GRAVE PIKE, a Minister. Like WotBS, notice on door saying somebody has been taken into custody by Ministers. On the planet, the city Aninem is surrounded by Duras forces. A pair of of teenagers JARNE and ALIVIA are trying to escape, disguised as enemy troops and manage to slip out. Aninem is destroyed behind them, and the planet occupied by Duras forces, as they stow away on an Ivvin Tor support vessel leaving the region.
You're telling me a bunch of stuff. Why isn't the camera following Jarne and Alivia as they knock out and disarm some storm troopers or something. Kill David Attenborough and let the subjects of our documentary show us their lives.
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That's a lot of stuff. Each group you've presented could be a good story. And it might be fine to present several of them within a single chapter. But between the layout and the massive influx of characters and setups, it's harder to follow. I really don't remember anything but the first two (but I also can't remember what happened in the new or prequel Star Wars so take that with a grain of salt). See what others think, then decide how you want to proceed.
Telling's dirty cousin Exposition also snuck in at this passage: Duras’s 7th Fleet is blockading Concordant at the behest of the Brothers of the Sapphire Star. The fleet is commanded by BARON MAGHA, accompanied by GRAVE PIKE, a Minister. Like WotBS, notice on door saying somebody has been taken into custody by Ministers. On the planet, the city Aninem is surrounded by Duras forces. A pair of of teenagers JARNE and ALIVIA are trying to escape, disguised as enemy troops and manage to slip out. Aninem is destroyed behind them, and the planet occupied by Duras forces, as they stow away on an Ivvin Tor support vessel leaving the region.
That's not actually part of the novel. I had my own little summary of each section before I started writing as part of my outline; I meant to delete those bits. That one got left in! That's just notes to myself to tell me what to write.
So @Janx raises a good point, and it's one I have been thinking about from the very start.
There are two ways to structure this. The current approach is to move the timeline along and jump from group to group (obviously they start to cross over, and the number of groups reduces).
The other approach is to take each group and give them a chapter each. That can be achieved pretty easily by just moving sections around.
Right now, as I write, I'm finding it easier to keep track of timelines, and where people are and how far away they are from places by incrementally moving the timeline along. It's more of a TV show approach.
But I totally agree that the group/chapter approach (a la GoT) may be the final approach to the book. Fortunately, the way I'm writing it, it will be easy to present it in either format easily.
