It's fine, and useful (though in this case by the time you replied that passage has changed quite a bit) -- but it would be nice if somebody said something positive! At this early stage, encouragement is more useful than criticism (not that the latter isn't useful, but the thing is so fluid right now).
well like, I said the first time, the first chapter had tons of good plot setups.
and chapter 10 kept me in the scene better as it was just one party.
Hang in there man. Even if all you hear is problems to fix. Because we wouldn't tell you that stuff unless we believed your project has potential and that you can finish this.
Now why are you getting so much stuff? You said it, it's a first draft. While you want and maybe need a pat on the back and a nod to keep going, first drafts need work. Everytime. They are bad habits and stream of consciousness married in a 4AM Vegas wedding. They are what one famous writer said, "you telling yourself the story." There's always a gem or two in there, but also much to clean up and rework.
You're gonna feel like you got beat up when you bring a chapter to critique. Especially if it's your first time. It's like drinking from the fire hose when people with years of studying the craft see all the mistakes they used to make. But if you take them one at a time, learn the basis for why you got that feedback (ex. passive voice in chapter 10), you'll learn to spot that and fix that in your second draft which starts to be the one you show people.
But I get it, I brought my first draft to my first critique, too.
Have a hug. Keep writing. I want to see more. I want to see your craft improve.
Here's a link to a free Passive Voice Detector
Automatically detects passive voice in a block of text (now with the aid of zombies!).
datayze.com
Paste your text in, see what it highlights. read the explanation. Try to kill some of those was's for more active sounding action.
The get back to writing.
