My screwed-up relationship :(

[Gnarlo]

My turn to ask for relationship advice . It's extremely embarrassing to have to do this; I thought I could figure this out on my own, but I'm at a loss. Don't worry about sugar coating the truth, I can take it.

Most of you don't really know me that well, but from reading your messages, I'm sure many of you will understand the situation I'm in and, hell, have probably been in something very similar before. I've gotten myself deep into one of the most MIXED-UP relationships I've ever been in, and quite frankly, am not sure what the hell I'm going to do here.

OK. Well, there is this girl I was first attracted to a long time ago. She worked for the same company as I did ( I work for a major corporation that I can't talk about because of my NDA, but I can say has been in the news quite a bit recently. We mostly do military research.) I work in one of the labs, she worked in supply and transport, and was away for loooonng periods of time. I'd always hoped that we'd be able to get a REAL relationship going, but I'd had to settle for a on-again/off-again long distance affair . I was building up my courage to have a talk with her about getting serious and how I really needed a stable relationship when it happened. On one of her trips, she'd heard this broadcast on the radio that really intrigued her, she said it was as if it had "woke her up out of a deep sleep". I wasn't really worried about this, I had girlfriends back in college that acted the same way when they found a new band that was unknown at the time, it's like being little known increases their importance. She was really intrigued by it, and half way through her run made a detour because she "had to go check it out". Now, I hope I'm not misrepresenting her here; she's not the new-agey, dead-head band roadie that I'm probably presenting her as. In fact, she was usually an absolute stickler for the rules; hell, she wouldn't let a sick friend ride with her since it was against company policy. Looking back on it I guess it was just her young age and immaturity that made her do it, as she was acting totally alien to how she usually behaved; she kept finding "hidden meaning" in the sound, although it just sounded like a bunch of noise to me. Anyway, long story short, there was a horrible accident and she wrecked the rig; unfortunately, a few people died as well . I guess she was very scared since she vanished right after the accident. (In retrospect, I should have seen it coming due to the immaturity, she always had been VERY dependent upon her mother).

She disappeared for a long time, and I thought I'd never see her again. Then one day she turned up again out of sheer luck, and joy entered my life once more. She was in a LOT of trouble over the accident, but somehow managed to avoid going to jail. In some way, she always was the luckiest AND unluckiest person I've ever known. Our company even found a job for her. Needless to say, she lost her license, and I ended up driving her everywhere.

That lasted a while, but she was always dissatisfied with life and (I found out later) was having nightmares about the accident. She went into one of those "find myself" periods. She joined up with the military for a while; then she actually thought about adopting a little girl for a while. I think maybe with her issues with the accident she had basically seperating her forever from her old life, maybe she thought she could find some stability with a child and be a better guardian than her mother had been. I know, it was a stupid idea, but I tried to be supportive at the time. And I didn't have a lot of sayso in the matter; it wasn't like we were engaged or anything. Well, trouble seemed to follow her like a bad penny, she had some bad calls and ended up spending some time in prison. There she met this group of skinheads and ended up taking up with them. I know, everyone is screaming up the screens right now "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!" but she's really a special girl; it's really not her fault she's just had some back luck in her life. She just tended to be very impressionable. It's as if this same bad force keeps re-occurring in her life over and over, trying to take her over, and she's powerless to stop it.

I think the whole parenting and stability issue was always in the back of her mind even then and in that horrible environment. Well, as you might have guessed, she ended up pregnant . She had the baby, but they both died right after birth.

My world came crashing down around me. I went into a long, long dark spell. Eventually I threw myself into my work, trying to lose who I was and what I was, just wanting to be another number and not a human anymore. After a very long period of being lost, I slowly began trying to piece back together my life.

I went through a period of going from one girl to the next. I probably went through 6 or 7 girls during this time. My friends accused me of trying to resurrect my old girlfriend; and they were right, though I couldn't see it at the time. I'd be happy for a while with each of them, but it would soon fade since they just weren't enough like HER. Then, I met my current girl, and I'm prepared to tell yall I think she's the one, my SOULMATE. I can't believe how much like my old girlfriend she is, but different as well. Theres this edge about her, a DARKNESS. She's very strong, but can be very cruel as well. I think she's enjoyed hurting me a time or two. She's also in research, and stays in a lab below mine.

Unfortunately, I think she's a little TOO much like my old girlfriend. She's like taken up with this new group of "friends" who recently arrived at the office. They are just a group of freelancers working for the company, so it's not like we are ever going to see them again. They are a really "party" type, always drinking and cussing. The group leader is this real beast. There are a couple of them that are nice in comparison, one guy in a wheelchair I kinda feel sorry for; and this young chick that is my main worry. I think she is a lesbian; she acts like she has no feeling most of the time, a real robot, but when she gets around my girlfriend you can see the fire in her eyes, I think she really has a thing for her.

Things might have just stayed like that and been cool; and my girl would have had her fun and that would have been it. Unfortunately, she found out recently about the 6 or 7 that came before her, got REALLY ticked off, and has decided to leave the company with this new group of "friends". (That has really hit me from outer space; she and I have talked so little about her past before that it's like she doesn't have one, so I don't understand why she's getting in a twist about mine. I never understand these chick things.) Now I have no idea how to stop her before she leaves, it's taken me so long to get someone like her again. Plus, I'm afraid that once again, there soon may be another child

I've probably written enough already, and I appreciate your taking the time to let me vent. I'll come back and let you know how things are standing with us later, but I've got to run, I'm at work and we're having some sort of drill, probably one of those endless terror alert type things. Hope you all can help me.

P.S. Please don't tell me to try and find some other girl that's not like her; I tried that a couple of years ago with this nordic chick. Really nice girl, long blond hair, into swords, perfect for me. She was an orphan, which absolutely tore at my heart strings. I'd managed to ingratiate myself in with her uncle who was her guardian and got him to trust me 100%. But she had this BASTARD of a brother who never trusted me, and always tried to keep us apart. Finally, just like all my current girlfriend, she ended up leaving me for this long haired drifter who blew through town one day

 

[dreaded_beast]

I hope everything works out for you.

 

[Snoweel]

She had the baby, but they both died right after birth.

I'd say it's a waste of time trying to recapture the spark, dude. Move on.

Snoweel

 

[The Mad Kaiser]

If you wanna be happy
For the rest of your life,
Never make a pretty woman your wife,
So from my personal point of view,
Get an ugly girl to marry you

A pretty woman makes her husband look small,
And very often causes his downfall,
As soon as he marries her ,
Then she starts to do,
The things that will break his heart
But if you make an ugly woman your wife,
You'll be happy for the rest of your life,
An ugly woman cooks her meals on time,
She'll always give you peace of mind

Don't let your friends say,
You have no taste,
Go ahead and marry anyway,
Though her face is ugly,
Her eyes don't match,
Take it from me she's a better catch

Say man.
Hey baby.
Saw your wife the other day.
Yeah?
Yeah, she's ugly.
Yeah, she's ugly, but she sure can cook.
Yeah?. Okay.

JIMMY SOUL

 

[Snoweel]

/me waits for a certain someone to come in here and throw a tantrum. Dieter...

 

[Spell]

i was left by my fiancée at the start of june. it was one of the worst thing that could happen to me. believe me when i say that i *truly* loved her. i felt for her what you're feeling for your current girlfriend. i felt she was the One.
when i found out that she had cheated on me, that she didn't feel ashamed (not even a bit), and that she had "sugar coated" a couple of huge problems she had with me, i felt the worst piece of crap on earth. i still feel a little bit, even though i know that there's nothing i could have done to change things for the better. i think it will be months (or years) before i can find myself truly confortable with any other girl again.

why am i telling you this? because i recognise a couple of mistakes that i have made.

number one: i think you idealise this girl too much. how can she be so perfect, when she gets upset for girls you were dating *before* even meeting her? how can she be jealous for your past dates, when you know nothing about her?

number two: you say she is the One. now, i'm not a psychologist, or anything. i do believe, though, that when two are in love, it always spring for them. i don't want to sound new-agey, but there's something like an exchange of energy. they are happy, glowing, nicer, more relaxed, because they know they have found somebody special.
you don't look happier, or more relaxed to me. i don't know if she's really the girls that fits your life perfectly... but she surely isn't making you happier than a terrorist with a gun pointed at your head!
ok, you love her, or maybe you think you love her. does she loves you? i don't think so, from what you are telling us.

quit her. you have to walk your footsteps, not surrender to someone else's whims. of course you can excuse her behaviour in a number of ways, just like i did with my fiancée. nevertheless, at the end of the day, you have to be more concerned about yourself and your well being. if you're feeling so low at the beginning of the relationship, how are you gonna feel when the real problems start to rock the boat? it's likely that she won't give a damn, and you will be left with regrets and "what if"s.

i don't know how you feel about life, but i think there is already enough problems in the world to actively put ourselves in new ones.

 

[Spell]

Ot:

If you wanna be happy
For the rest of your life,

i know that song. i thought i was the only person on earth!

 

[Rel]

Gnarlo, my friend, I've got two pieces of advice for you. I hope that you take at least one of them:

1) DON'T pursue the latest flake. LET her GO with the new crowd of "friends". It sounds to me like all you will have lost is yet another drama queen who is destined to keep you confused and off balance, unable to identify what it is that you really need in a partner.

2) DO go talk to a counselor or therapist of some kind. You need to get some clarity about what you're after in this world. This crazy mix of patchwork relationships that you're trying to make into a collage resembling your "soulmate" is not healthy. You're never going to find somebody that is exactly like her. And if anything can screw up a relationship faster than being constantly compared to an old girlfriend, I don't know what it is.

A healthy, loving relationship can only be based on who a person really is, not who you want them to be or think they have the potential to be.

I think that some introspective "alone time" would help you tremendously. I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you'll come back here if you want further advice or just to vent.

 

[EricNoah]

I hate to add a me too, but you can't "fix" her -- she will have to do that herself. You can love her, support her, care about her, and help her, but don't let her become your excuse for not seeking your own perfect happiness. There comes a painful, tough moment where you have to stand up and say, "I am not going to subject myself to this anymore." It's hard to walk away but after the wound heals you will be stronger and in a better place.

 

[janta]

I'm basically going to echo what Rel said, and suggest that you see a therapist. The unexpected loss of a loved one and an infant is near-impossible to deal with by oneself, and from what you've told us it sounds like that's what you've tried to do. Please consider talking to a professional about all this before you get involved in another relationship. In addition to helping you sort out your feelings about the death of your girlfriend, a therapist may be able to help you understand why you are so attracted to chaos.

And let me just say this about "soulmates": people who truly love each other don't enjoy hurting each other. And adults recognize that their partners have a past, and don't get "REALLY ticked off" about that fact (unless you deliberately concealed it from her and she found out regardless; in which case the anger should be more about the cover-up* and not about the past itself). That's not a "chick thing", either; it's a sign of immaturity or emotional manipulation or both.

Finally: heed Eric Noah's words: you cannot fix her. You cannot fix anyone but yourself. Trying to fix another person will only bring you frustration and pain.

--Janta


*actually, I think you should be asking yourself why she refuses to tell you about her past. I'd be upset if my "soulmate" didn't share that with me.