My screwed-up relationship :(

[Gnarlo]

I appreciate the thoughts. I don't know what to do about the situation right now, things are just SO CONFUSED. I stumble around in the dark most of the time; problems seem to just keep getting on top of me, no matter how many I get rid of it seems like more just keep coming out of the walls.

If she didn't act like a QUEEN all the time it'd be easier. I think a large part of the problem might be our obsessive relationship, I've studied everything about her like she was an experiment. I'll admit, I WAS trying to recreate my old girlfreind, but by gods if she isn't everything she was and more. And she's just as intense, when she looks at you you feel at times as if she wants to reach down your throat and rip your heart out She gets so focused on what shes doing. There's a fire about her that my old girl didn't have, she smoulders at times, I swear if I were to cut her she'd burn me.

I know that I should back off, let her do what she wants (like I could stop her) but, man, there have been so MANY good times. Before everything started going to pot, we'd go out exploring, poke around in junk piles looking for interesting stuff, we went to a few off beat religious meetings So much FUN. she used to like to do so many things, I remember this one time out wandering around and we missed our ride, we just built a fire and sang a few songs . Now? every once in a while she'll go to the gym and throw a ball around, but otherwise she spends all her time locked up in the lab. (at least the blond girl with the spying brother had her swords and horses to occupy her so that I didn't have to).

I know I haven't got very long, "THE BEAST" (the leader of the group of freelancers) is planning on getting out of here really soon, they basically just came to drop off a delivery for the company. I really think she's planning on leaving with him (he's not making any secret of his flirting with her, he was bragging about how he could "get her off" right in front of everyone). I don't know what I'm going to do, but I know whatever I'm going to do, I've got to do it fast. Thanks for listening.

 

[Krieg]

Don't worry about sugar coating the truth, I can take it.

I'd be happy for a while with each of them, but it would soon fade since they just weren't enough like HER. Then, I met my current girl, and I'm prepared to tell yall I think she's the one, my SOULMATE. I can't believe how much like my old girlfriend she is, but different as well. Theres this edge about her, a DARKNESS. She's very strong, but can be very cruel as well. I think she's enjoyed hurting me a time or two. She's also in research, and stays in a lab below mine.

P.S. Please don't tell me to try and find some other girl that's not like her;

You don't love this girl.

You are trying to replace your former girlfriend with her.

She doesn't love you either.

True love does not entail deriving pleasure from the pain of the one you love.

As long as you persue this type of relationship things will not change for you.

 

[Rel]

I appreciate the thoughts. I don't know what to do about the situation right now, things are just SO CONFUSED. I stumble around in the dark most of the time; problems seem to just keep getting on top of me, no matter how many I get rid of it seems like more just keep coming out of the walls. ...

...I don't know what I'm going to do, but I know whatever I'm going to do, I've got to do it fast. Thanks for listening.

Gnarlo, why don't you read what you just wrote again? The only thing you need to do "fast" is to calm down. You are in no good state of mind to be making important decisions when you are stumbling in the dark with problems piling upon you left and right.

If you want to spend the next several years (though I really doubt this chick is going to be in your life that long) experiencing a neverending sense of turmoil then, by all means, make some sort of dramatic gesture. Run after her. Chase this messy relationship like an adrenalin junkie. But understand that you are choosing to have that ulcer. And understand that you will probably never be on stable ground with her.

I'm just not into all of that. When I think about a good relationship (and I've been happily married to a wonderful woman for coming up on 10 years), I think about something that brings comfort and warmth and happiness into my life. Not stress, chaos and strife.

A person that loved you would not be letting you think that she might be running off with "THE BEAST" (and please tell me that he never actually calls himself that). A person that loved you would care about your feelings and not be putting you through this. She doesn't truly care about you if she's letting you suffer through this uncertainty, ESPECIALLY if some dramatic gesture on your part is all that is going to keep her around (at least until the next BEAST shows up and starts talking about "getting her off").

You don't owe me a thing, Gnarlo. But just to show some respect for those who have taken the time to try and help you in this thread, do us a favor:

Before you call her or go after her or profess your undying love to try and keep this girl, say out loud three times, LOUDLY, "I am consciously and purposefully choosing to keep this destructive force in my life!"

 

[EricNoah]

Another way of looking at this might be -- what would you think of this situation if it were happening to someone else? What advice might you hear yourself giving to the guy ... or the girl ... in this situation?

 

[BSF]

Wow Gnarlo. OK, you want the truth because you can handle it right?

You are in panic mode. Stop. I repeat, Stop.

Is this girl really worth chasing? Does she bring nothing but joy and light into your life? Does she always make the world a brighter, happier place when you are with her? If not, then stop chasing her.

Any relationship will have stumbling points. That is normal. It is not normal to actively pursue those stumbling points. These are not the moments of a relationship that should be exaggerated or focused on. If they are the focus of your relationship, then you are in the wrong relationship.

Years ago I got out of a relationship that was going bad. Sure we had good times and memories. They were over. She had things she wanted to do. I had things I wanted to do. We couldn't even agree to disagree. There were a lot of things she did that made the relationship hell for me. Maybe there were things I did that made it hell for her as well? I don't know. The good memories were just that and she is out of my life now. I took from that relationship a few things that seemed obvious once I was out of it.

If if seems like you are always fighting, you are.
If it seems like you are unhappy, you are.
If it seems like she likes to cause you hurt and pain, she does.
If the only reason you are in a relationship is because the other person would be perfect if they would only change this, that or the other, then you are in the wrong relationship.

You cannot change somebody. They can only change themselves. If they change only to accomodate your desires, then they will be unhappy with that change.

Do not make any life changing decisions in your current state of mind. It will almost certainly lead to continued misery.

If you want to salvage this relationship, it starts with communication. Deep, heart-felt communication. If the two of you can't do that, then there is no relationship worth having here.

You say you don't know anything about her past. Why not? It sounds like she doesn't want to communicate with you.

I know you don't want to hear this, but let her go. There are people out there that won't drive you crazy while trying to maintain a relationship. Be sure you aren't running after her just because you are scared. Be sure you are pursuing her out of devoted love, that will be reciporcated. Stop and ask yourself why you are feeling this panic and need. Before making any life decisions, you need to be 100% sure you can live with them.

 

[Spell]

I appreciate the thoughts. I don't know what to do about the situation right now, things are just SO CONFUSED.

one more reason to stop yourself, take some deep breath, spit out the bad thoughts, and start to live again.

i think that the advice of seeing a specialist is too extreme, IF you decide to leave some of your stress behind, and see help from your friends.
talk with them. endlessly. listen (don't just hear) to what they say. talk with your parents, if at all possible.
we couldn't care, the specialist could be interested only in your money, but those people know you better than any of us. they love you, and they have for quite a long time (maybe all your life). listen to their advice, because they speak with your best interest in mind (not that we don't... but they should be much more convincing). try to think about the situation, as Eric says, externally.

as for me, the only things i can say are:
she's not a queen. you think she is.
she's not perfect. you think she is.
you don't love her. you think you love her. in fact, you love the echos of your old girlfriend, or maybe those parts that makes you assume that she is an X type of person.
chaces are, she is not. she's just a normal human being, maybe a special one, i concede that. but she cannot be your perfect match. if she were, you wouldn't feel sorry, but happy. you would feel happy even if you were poor, without a job, with no house, no friends, in a desert island far away from home.

you already have many things that could make your life better than it is. you don't see them, right now. relax. sit down and imagine that you don't have a problem in the world. when a problem comes up in your mind, sent it away. imagine that it's like a piece of garbage in a river. you saw it coming, now you see it close, and now it's gone away, following the river.

again, as a semi-professional singer, i cannot stress the importance of breathing in relaxing yourself. just think about taking deep breaths, and maybe you'll see that all of those problems cannot really touch you, if you don't want them to.

one of the things i did, when my fiancée left me, was finding something that kept my mind occupied. i didn't want to think about anything, because she always poped out. i must have watched 100 mystery and horror movies in a month, but in the end i did get better.
you could try to find something that works for you, too. and, please, don't choose your job for this: she works there, too, so it simply couldn't work! try something completely unrelated to her. maybe something you like and she hates.

if you try to help yourself, if you go to your friends and family and you listen to them, if you try to see things in a different prospective, and you still feel this way, then you should really talk to her.
just state your case, your problems, your feeling, plainly and clearly. see what happens. i don't know if you will be please by the resulting discussion, but at least you will stop hurting yourself.

leave the good and the bad times behind. living in the past (especially when it make you feel miserable like this) keep good things from happening. maybe it will take you years to find your true love, and maybe she's just mintues away. how can you spot her, when you are so stressed and depressed?
you already know what to do. re-read your post: you know you should back off. it's just that you're scared about it. don't.

 

[Tobold Hornblower]

Hope you all can help me.

Join today!

 

[Terwox]

Echoing of Rel's sentiments.

Also... lots of girls have passion, lots of girls enjoy the things you've spoken about enjoying with your girlfriend -- without being flighty/cruel/whatnot.

g'luck, regardless, but come out of panic before you do anything, like everyone has said.

 

[Gnarlo]

Update: I've been given more time to think about things. We've had some kind of security breach here at the lab and gone into a lockdown, so they're not able to leave as soon as they'd hoped. I'm pretty sure that girl that keeps staring at her all the time had something to do with it, I bet she doesn't admit to anything though, she's like a total machine. "The Beast" (I heard his name today, something like John, or Jonah, or something) is VERY upset about it, and that's keeping him distracted from coming by and giving me HELL... BOY, am I tired of him!!

I actually got a chance to findout a bit about why my girl is SO secretive.... I mentioned going to the offbeat religious things up above? I got back in touch with that group (it was hard to track them down, I don't remember ever meeting more than about 2 dozen of them, and most have just disappeared. They aren't the type you think could easily do that, they'd all gone for the Friar Tuck look with robes and shaved heads.) Apparently, they first met her when she was travelling around with this guy and girl. They weren't sure of the details, but there was apparently some sort of fire, and she was the only one to make it out... I really DO seem to attract the accident prone Just my luck. Anyway, she must have blamed herself becasue right afterwards was when she started sleeping with her doctor... I feel like I'm on an elevator to hell, and it's going down.

I understand her a bit better now I think, and I REALLY feel I can help her with her demons... How can you not expect someone to be messed up after something like that? I'm suer that she feels that everytime she thinks she's escaped from them, she finds that out they burst out from within again, and the whole story starts over, but with some new and unexpected change

The whole thing is turning into a MONSTER. I'll admit, she's not a Queen. But she IS the monster's mother I understand what's been said. I have dreams where I feel like I'm suffocating; when I eat, I choke and feel like something is going to just burst out of my chest.

No, the world is not a bright and happy place with her in it. It just seems dark, and claustrophobic. It feels like I'm just stumbling around in little tight passages full of smoke and fog with alarms going off all around me. I feel like no matter where I go the demons will just keep coming and they'll keep coming and i won't last 17 hours. I hope I can go home soon, although I'm not looking forward to it getting dark. They mostly come out att night. Mostly.

 

[DaveStebbins]

I really have to echo previous advice - seek the guidance of a professional therapist or counselor. You have issues and behaviour patterns which you need to identify and deal with before you'll be in a position to evaluate the value of a relationship.

I REALLY feel I can help her with her demons....

Dude, you don't even know what to do with your own life, what makes you think you can save her? I really think you need to talk about your relationships with someone capable of helping you truly see what's going on. A bunch of geek pop psychologists like us aren't going to be able to do much good, except to recommend you talk to a pro.

No, the world is not a bright and happy place with her in it. It just seems dark, and claustrophobic. It feels like I'm just stumbling around in little tight passages full of smoke and fog with alarms going off all around me.

The alarms are trying to tell you something. Get help; talk to a counselor or therapist. This is what they're trained to do for gosh sakes! They've had years of training in order to help you find your way through the darkness and confusion, back to the light; to offer a steadying hand when you're stumbling. You've got to take the step and get help for yourself before you'll be any good to anyone else.

You've avoided talking about this advice, despite how often it's been mentioned. You really need to stop avoiding it and act on it.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, you said not to sugarcoat it.
Good luck, man.
-Dave