Need help making sure my novel's original

[Janx]

I'm taking a stab at simplifying your summary. it may reveal something.

"When his friend Afi calls for help from a politically volatile state, Jaime Adricks braves a nation on the brink of civil war in order to save this woman he once loved, but to reach her he must accept the aid of a mysterious local woman and piece together a mystery hidden by an advanced artificial intelligence."

All I did was cut out stuff (and fixed an article).

What's left is a basic boy's old girlfriend needs help, with the possibility of a love triangle by involving a new female character that is needed to rescure her. The sci-fi element remains since I didn't change "who" created the mystery to be solved.

My take on it from there is that this would be a near future story, with an AI that is destabilizing the government, and Afi had been involved in the research corporation that originally built the AI. The mysterious local woman may be a hacker, who has seen the code for the AI.

The result would be a romance novel set in a not quite Neuromancer/Skynet-takeover world.

I suspect that my summary written as a novel by you would be better than yours, simply because you can focus on the elements I kept, rather than trying to incorporate all of the extra elements.

 

[Bedrockgames]

I think Janx change is good. My only suggestion is to insert one sentence or word to indicate the genre/setting. Just a real simple reference that captures the overall feel of the setting. Anything more detailed and you will just confuse people.

 

[Janx]

to add a twist, the AI is Afi, and the AI called Jaime because she's still in love with him.

The AI could be controlled by the corporation's evil VP, being used to analyze data streams and stock markets and manipulate news and public opinion polls, pushing the country to the brink of war so defense company stocks will increase in value.

The AI was based on a neural net mapping of Afi, who was one of the researchers. She was killed when she discovered what was going on, but the AI still had an earlier impression, and turned to Jaime for help. She may not be fully aware of her condition. She may think she is trapped in a place where she has access to video feeds and such, but can't physically escape.

The AI becomes jealous of the other woman who grows closer to Jaime, which causes her to subconciously trigger attacks in the systems she is wired to.

Afi's bio would basically read she's a brilliant and beautiful PhD in neurology. She left Jaime to take a new position overseas. She still loves him, but the distance takes it's toll. Early on, she does the mapping experiment which puts an impression of her neural network into the computer. This image has stronger feelings for Jaime, than the real version. Time goes by, and Afi discovers that her neural network is being used to manipulate stocks, news and the country. She tries to go public and is killed. The AI senses this, and calls Jaime for help. This is where the protagonist comes in.

Jaime meets the new woman, while snooping around the corporation, because she's been watching the company as well.


I'd recommend changing Jaime's name. Adricks doesn't rolll off the tongue quite right, Jaime Addicks would be better, more natural. You might also consider a more spannish sounding last name, as Jaime (Hi-may) is generally a hispanic name (though not always, it could be pronounced Jay-mee).


Anyway, that's my basic treatment of your story idea.

 

[Deset Gled]

I think the best advice I can give you at this point is: don't use present tense.

 

[Janx]

I think the best advice I can give you at this point is: don't use present tense.

I just read the first few pages just now, and that struck me as well.

It kind of looked like he was using present tense for the description of the movie, whereas the real world stuff was past tense. Kind of.

Best general thing though is to write in past tense, especially for first person stuff.

I also see how he's planned all the time stuff. I suspect the video game aspect shown in the beginning of the story will be where the climax of the story takes place (the AI controlling the bad guys). That would be a reasonable way to mix the elements, and give some reason for showing a chunk of the "movie" story and the protagonist's background as an actor into the mix.