Need some good putdowns from a snobbish noble

[Grymar]

I liked using backhanded compliments. Refer to every non-noble as a farmer. If he is a "farmer" you respect, you can call him in introductions as a Master of the Dirt. Any time a wilderness or survival issue comes up, expect him to handle it even if he has no skill at all. "No problem, our woodsman can track him down!"

"Um...I'm a cleric."

Frequently say how intelligent he is for a non-noble, or be shocked when he comes up with a good idea. Also be ready to lecture him endlessly about proper manners, art, music, noble houses, or anything else you can think of. Remember, you are an educated and civilized man from a long line of proud families and it is your duty to try and raise this farmer up from his lowly position.

The more sincere these are, the more it stings.

 

[Rechan]

"Oh. I did not realize you liked that edition of D&D. Where we at keyboards, this would mean war."

Sorry, couldn't resist.

 

[NewJeffCT]

Thanks - some good ideas here. Much appreciated!

 

[Andre]

"Ah, you must be our 'special' guest. We always invite someone less fortunate to remind ourselves why good breeding is so important."

 

[mhensley]

I don't know about nobles, but there was one from a book I read a few months ago that made me lol. It went something like-

"I'm going to kill you and make a saddle from your hide so I can fart on you the rest of my life."

 

[tuxgeo]

Need some good putdowns from a snobbish noble to another lesser noble... one of my PCs has in his background that he is the 4th or 5th son of a minor noble. I normally would not agree to that, . . .

. . . , but I wanted to turn the tables a bit tomorrow night - the PCs will be at a banquet with some nobles, and I wanted to have at least a few of them be nobles from nearby his father's not-so-well-off little barony.

Mm. I'm too late in the first place; and not sure I can help in the second.

My take is that such insults need to be rarefied -- the sort of thing that a minor noble would not even NOTICE as an insult, let alone understand. The best of them would go right over the minor noble's head, and would be recounted to gales of laughter among the greater nobles for decades after the event.

"My dear Lord Ipswitch, this is a delight! I haven't see you since the bridge opening in Lesser Puddlington on the Mire, when your sister got the faints."
( . . . implying that Lord Ipswitch never goes anyplace important . . . )

"My dear Lord Ipswitch, how is your mother? Has she quite got over the chill she suffered on Midsummer these three years past?"
( . . . implying that Lord Ipswitch cannot afford to heat his manor . . . )

 

[ProfessorCirno]

Remember to use the insults sparingly. The nobles aren't really trying to be mean; it's not personal, they literally don't care about your existence. They're just trying to be witty and humorous over the subject of the common folk.

 

[meerkat97]

Ive created a snobbish, self-absorbed crossbow that thinks its a prince of a royal family. if the user bends their knee and says something sufficiently respectful towards the crossbow, it will deal double damage and swing back and attack again if it misses, using a persuasion check instead of an attack roll. if the user rolls too low the bow is disgusted and the arrow flies back at the player instead. no matter who the bolt hits, so long as the players knee is bent, the bow will insult the target:
return to the trash heap, swine!
you dare oppose me?!
get out of my way peasant!
fetch my wine servant!
be gone you vile Muppet!
you will be punished for your insolence!
bend the knee you filthy wretch!
how dare you, do you know who i am?!
bow down to my grace!
the penalty of treason is death!
my family build this country, you ungrateful underling!
away with you, obsolete stable boy!
i charge you of conspiring against the throne!
my bloodline goes back farther than your dull mind can comprehend!
your sense of fashion is lacking!
dance for me, jester!
i bet you've never held a gold mark in your life
i will make an example out of you!
ill put your whole family in my dungeon!

 

[Bill Zebub]

(Context: his white jacket was having a stain cleaned, so Michael persuaded him to wear black tie to dinner, saying it's the new trend.)

 

[CleverNickName]

(When taking damage.) "Careful. This robe cost more than your education."