Parody songs for bards

[reannaking]

Hey, all! I'm working on a humorous list of D&D-oriented songs that a bard could sing for a laugh. Such as,

"The Ballad of Jeffrey, the Fighter with One Hit Point"
or
"My Gal Got Killed by a Mind-Flayer and I'm Feelin' Blue"
or even something as corny as
"You Put My Heart in a Bag of Holding And I Want it Back"

Yes, I realize that people in the D&D world have no concept of hit points, but this is basically what I'm looking for. I decided to post to see if I could get some suggestions, and I thought this would make an interesting conversation.

~~Reanna, the Rare and Elusive Female Gamer (I won't bite, I promise!)

 

[Poster Bard]

(From - http://www.creativemountaingames.com/board/read.php?TID=110)

The Hero's Rusty Greaves

On any night prepare for fright and buy another round,
He's full of cheer and holds his beer but never held his ground,
He drinks his ales and tells the tales of all that he achieves,
The spilling of the chilling of the Hero's Rusty Greaves!

So harken to a man that you can envy for his feats,
Despite the fact that each attack results in his retreats,
You'll hear the sound, when chips are down, his bladder, thus, relieves,
The sloshing and withdrawing of the Hero's Rusty Greaves!

He's not the type to snark or snipe on others in the bar,
Though often they make sport of him for being so bizarre,
He's guileless though underdressed with nothing up his sleeves,
It's hard to bear that all he wears are Hero's Rusty Greaves!

Don't be annoyed, it fills the void, when times are of the need,
The boastful way he'll drain the day with each and every deed,
He's telling you of all that's true or all that he believes,
The fabricated, quite inflated, Hero's Rusty Greaves!

Decline the plea, to sit on knee, when beckoning he will,
Fair warning of his massive love for bottles he will kill,
Though slaying of the living is a thing that makes him heave,
Don't chance the moist advances of the Hero's Rusty Greaves!

He's had the clap, within his lap, and vermin there reside,
The closest thing to battle scars for which he can take pride,
Are marks upon his bottom that his armor often leaves,
The rubbing and the chafing from the Hero's Rusty Greaves!

Someday he'll die and all will cry and plant him down below,
But be advised, don't be surprised at all that there will grow,
The flowering and towering of trees with many leaves,
Well fertilized, wherever lies, the Hero's Rusty Greaves!

 

[Theron]

It was on the first of August, out of Aronmerray,
Half a dozen horses and a wagon load of hay
There had been a party, hangovers galore
Our clerics were unconscious and our fighters saddle-sore.

Chorus
And there were dragons, dragons, flying o'er the road,
Wyverns all around us and behind us yellow mold
And there were orcses, orcses, filling all the wood
They all jumped upon us because we were lawful good.

We were not discouraged. We were set to fight
But we had drunk ten gallons of the finest mead that night!
Sir Morris was disheveled, Sir Percy was the same
And the elf who traveled with us was too drunk to know his name.

Chorus

The dragons got the horses, the orcs got even more
And chewing on our wagon was an ugly manticore.
We finally woke our wizard, he would make them pay
But he rally pulled a boner when he mumbled spells that day.

Chorus

His fireball misfired, his lightning missed the mark
And then the party found itself encased in total dark
He tried to polymorph them, that dirty ancient louse
And we did not think it funny when Sir Kay became a mouse.

Chorus

Our fighters bravely battled, but it was all for nought
'Cause we had not the measure of the monsters that we fought
T'was our bard who finally saved us, for he could do no wrong
And he really had them running when he belted out this song!

Chorus

 

[Macbeth]

"Always the first to die"
Actually a real song written about D&D, and quite fitting for a bard (I don't mean to insult bards, I just couldn't resist. I play bards and have nothing against them, I just saw such an great setup for that one...)

"Critical hit on my heart"
Also a real song about D&D.

I have mp3's of both of these, and as far as I know they are not copyrighted, so if you'd like a copy, just send me an email (theres a link in the bottom of this post), I'll attach them to the reply.(can't attache mp3's to posts)

 

[frankthedm]

I once had an idea for a bard that inspired despair and insanity, back in 3e when bards were a liability in the first place.

To live to be old my young bards, now i'll tell you how...
...sell your lute, buy a farm, and don't forget the cow.
You could go out into the world and try your hand at fate.
But 10 to one you'll just wind up as the parties dragon bait.

Hear me children and scream through the night.
Know that soon the stars will be right.
They come from between space and time.
Writhing forms dripping with slime.
They ruled hear once and They will rule again
...and soon dear children Thier rule will begin.

I need to think up more nyarly toe tappers...