Look, you obviously cannot play Conan in 4th ed because:
1) Crom is not a god in any D&D book, since the very rare hard to get 2nd ed Conan adventures (grr, bought a Grenadier fire giant instead back then, now look at the price onf those AD&D Conan books on EBay *cry*).
Crom isn't mentioned in the Manual of the Planes!!
WHY!?
His clerics should obviously have the "Toe Jam Stomp" daily that Le Sprague De Camp so wonderously showed their deity has, but
noooo! WOTC couldn't add that! Bah, obviously saving it for PHB 4!
2) There is no
"Loincloth of Nut-Warming", which is the artifact Conan had on all of his adventures, as indeed, Vallejo took such great pride in painting!
3) There are no
"female mammary glands of EXCEPTIONAL size and appeal in 4th ed illustrations"
This is completely against the canon and IP of Conan!!!
If Valeria doesn't have her "
Twin Peak Strike" Power, then you cannot play Conan in 4th ed!!
4) And as everyone knows, you cannot roleplay in 4th ed, so that ruins Conan! I mean, there's no skill check for saying "
Crom!", in a meaningful way (No Perform skill!!), NOR are Hyperborean or Stygian official languages in D&D!
5) There is no "Humorous side kick" class in 4th ed, meh!
In 4th ed halflings can DO things, instead of being dragged all over Mordor like a limp bloody biscuit!!
Last time I go on a
"C.M.O.T Dibblah's Magical Mystery Gollum Tour", I can tell you!
I never even SAW a golem on the whole damn trip! Just a low hit dice mutant version of a Meazel with Low Light Vision and klepto-bloody-mania...and a thing for fish!
HA! there's another thing to prove 4th ed sucks: no iron golems in the 1st MM!! Bah, when I were a lad, we were fighting Iron Golems right off the bat! Even if we didn't know what the posion did, talk about cryptic rules....we died, but we LIKED dying!!!
None of this
[W] stuff, oh no!!
Just "
Beholders have 45-75 hit points" and spending
months trying to figure out WTH that meant in regards to hit dice and saving throws!!
We were hard core cryptozoollogist cryptologist mathematicians!
Bah! Conan says he! Humbug,
HUMBUG, says I!
*whistles innocently...*
