Thornir Alekeg,
Well, there's always a second opinion
The phone counselling I got was more of an outlet for me to talk to, with the only notable feedback being that I should talk to my boss and family, which I don't plan to yet. Priest offered the "it's okay, God will provide, you'll be fine", which was ... acceptable, I guess? Maybe I'm just looking for more reassurance that what I'm going through is normal and I'm not half as useless as I think I am at the moment.
trancejeremy,
Tried a little, blogging isn't something that works for me...
Anyway, here's some details... will need to leave for work soon, and I won't be here till much later, so it'll take a while for me to respond...
Background:
I'm 27, going on 28 this year, and I just graduated last year after being stuck in university for 7 years due to my inability to pass a certain compulsory subject. I'm 3 years older than my peers with a lacklustre degree (not even a Pass with Merit) and no work experience nor notable skills to speak of. I also have accumulated a 35k+ student loan.
Recently, I've been taken into my friend's company to work as a Systems Developer (basically, a programmer) in March, and due to changing needs in the company, I've been made a Systems Engineer instead (basically a pc guy who fixes stuff both software and hardware.) My work hours vary, though I have been working recently from 9 to 7 without time for lunch breaks (occasionally, I grab a sandwich on the run, that's it.)
Initially, I felt extremely thankful for the opportunity, and it felt good to be working. I felt horribly inferior and useless and didn't think anyone would ever hire me. It was so bad that I never even completed a resume. My friend just offered me work based on a trial period of two months, then took me in. Work has helped build up confidence, especially after my switch to the role of Systems Engineer. Granted, I doubt that I am really qualified to call myself that still, but I'm okay with the work I do for now.
Situation:
Recently though, I seem to be feeling quite miserable recently to the point which I'm actively losing sleep. All the worries that I've put away last time since I started working seem to have returned.
I suppose my issues lie mainly with money and time... Money-wise, my friends in general are making and spending more money than me. I'm envious (and possibly more than a little annoyed) when I see that they spend much more than me on entertainment and personal belongings and yet complain about not being rich enough to afford certain other goodies when I have only a fraction of their budget and a huge loan to pay. Further more, considering the magnitude of the loan, I technically won't have any real savings for a while, which isn't something pleasant to consider.
There's also this thought of getting housing, since I'm constantly worried about not having a place of my own. This I usually manage to put aside, since I can't afford a house now anyway, and I'm not allowed to buy one unless I find a girlfriend and get married, or until I hit the age of 35.
With regards to time, while I try to accept myself as an individual, sometimes I keep comparing myself with my colleagues and friends and I feel I've really lost 3 years of my life doing nothing of worth. I understand it's time lost, and any more time spent moping about it is even more time wasted, but I can't seem to help looking back at this every now and then and getting all whiny about it. There's also the work-related aspect... this may be too premature a worry, since I've no real interest in jumping ship now and looking for another job, but I keep wondering whether my age will be an issue constantly, considering my limited experience. This may tie into the money bit, since I keep pondering whether it is wise (or even possible) to get a better paying job with my current abilities in order to pay off my loans quicker.
Also, unlike my other friends, I live alone, so I need to do most of my own upkeep (bill paying, laundry, ironing, etc.) This cuts in significantly into my time and energy over the weekend, and I've lost a lot more enthusiasm for the fun things in life that my friends still have the energy to engage in (gaming, outings, etc.) Doesn't help that my work is going towards the point where I may actually have to work on weekends if needed with no extra remunerations...
The sum of all this is slowly but surely driving me up the wall. However, I keep feeling that my concerns are really petty, which may be why I'm not as willing to take it up with friends and family. Maybe I really am just seeking reassurance that I'm not screwing up and I'm not a useless individual. I know that there are people in the world who are worse off than me and that I should be thankful to be where I am at the moment, but well, maybe I'm really insecure inside and can never be assured of myself for long...