alsih2o said:The first picture is a throwaway in
the beginning and is never referred to again.
Numbers 2 and 4 are tacked on at the end, barely illustrating
the last moments of the story.
Number 3, on the other hand, is responsible for the antagonist, the plot, the exposition of said plot, the action, the resolution, and so on. You easily could have given time that you
wasted on centaurs and berry picking (why were those in the story?) to further develop the impact and
meaning that the other three pictures had for the story.
Also, the ending left me cold - apparently, the kids could care less that they essentially brought
about the destruction of everything they had known, everything that they had held dear to their hearts.
Well, except for the dog, I guess.
Drawmack said:I have to take exception with some of the judgements.
How much does a child have to care about their mother to notice that she's washing in the fountain first thing in the morning, even though that's what she does every morning. Would have been mentioned again in parts II and III, remember the name is part I.
Drawmack said:Excuse me, the revenge is the point of this first piece. The two pictures are used to illustrate the means of carrying out said revenger. They illustrate the climax and aftermath of the story. If climax and aftermath are not integral to a story then I do not know what is.
Drawmack said:It is not responsible for all that. It is responsible for the betrayal. It is the character you hate. Being the character you hate the reader puts more emphasis on that then the rest, but that is not the authors fault.
Drawmack said:The children are in shock. The ending to part I of a trilogy is intended to make you keep reading. You have yet to see these children morn, they are looking for something but they have no idea what and on top of all that how are they going to survive in a world that is apparently much more then they know?
mirthcard said:Drawmack, please remember not to take this personally, as it seems you are. I'm only trying to offer constructive criticism, not attack you. That said...
I didn't choose to use that picture as the mother, you did. I am offering that you should have used the picture in a different way, specifically in a way that would have added to the development of the plot or story, not as stage dressing.
This all might stem from a misunderstanding of the way that the competition works, however. All the submissions for each round should be self-contained and complete as well as being balanced in their use of the picture ingredients. I can only judge the story that you submit now, not one that you might submit in the future. I can't be expected to read your mind.
We don't know anything about this story until the old man transforms and tells it to the ancients in a long diatribe. It is not set up in the first part of the story at all. Basically, the villain steps forward and says, "Here's the plot for those that don't know, and by that I mean everyone." Plot should be something that is developed, not something that is told about in a monologue. It's the old show-don't-tell mantra that you may have heard about.
How are we the readers supposed to infer that the children are in shock from what is written.
To me they seemed nonchalant about the whole thing. They came off as saying, "Well our loved ones were just destroyed by this guy we brought to town... Let's get out of here." I will again reiterate that you may not have been aware of the nature of the competition, which you don't seem to be if you consider your entry to be the first part of a trilogy. You yourself prove the points that I was making. Only one of the pictures is developed and it is developed to the detriment of all of the other pictures. I cannot see the future and predict what you are going to do with the pictures later.
And honestly in this contest, you don't have the option to develop it later.
I hope that this has given you a better sense of what I was trying to get at in my earlier criticism. Try to take this as a live and learn experience. Next time you enter, hopefully you will fare better. Good luck and PLEASE don't take it personally.
alsih2o said:mirthcard- Oh, one more thing, I believe the
lyrics are: If you don't eat your meat, you can't
have any pudding; How can you have any pudding, if you
don't eat your meat? To me, they fit even better
than the ones you posted.[/B]