Roommates: A rant and request for advice

[SteelDraco]

You ought not be living with SOs you're not married to.

What? I don't buy that - I think living with someone before you're married is a logical progression. It's an important step between a SO and a wife. There are foibles you can learn about someone by living with them that you need to know if you intend to live with someone for the rest of your life. For example, you could learn that they're unwilling to compromise - as the OP seems to be learning.

It doesn't seem like this is all that's going on here. Did these people know each other before they started living together? Did they get along? It seems to me like it's a bad plan to live with someone you don't know, at least somewhat. That way lies madness and pain. Especially if they tend toward drama, as you've indicated. The only time I've lived with someone I didn't know (at college) we more or less ignored each other the entire time. It was easy, because we didn't fight, but it certainly wasn't enjoyable. Ever since, I've sat down with everyone I've lived with and hammered out any conflicts we could think of with everyone. Heck, at my last apartment, we had a contract that everyone who lived there signed. It spelled out such things as cleaning duties, acceptable decoration, and expectations of cleanliness and consideration. It helped, too - we would have fought much more if we hadn't done that. Doing business with friends or family can be tricky, and that's why I think it's important to keep things organized and clear.

As to suggestions about what to do... if you've tried to figure out why they're so angry with each other, and they're unwilling or unable to figure out any kind of a compromise, you're pretty much screwed, and it seems like someone leaving would be the best solution. Are you in a lease? Does either of the couples have somewhere else they can go where things are more comfortable?

 

[Mark Chance]

What? I don't buy that - I think living with someone before you're married is a logical progression. It's an important step between a SO and a wife.

And I think I'm right.

But he asked for advice, not a "No, I'm right!" message board argument. I've given mine, and oodles of social science data researching the causes of skyrocketing divorce rates about your "logical progression" of how relationships ought to progress toward marriage backs me up.

 

[Umbran]

Folks, don't derail this thread with an argument over who has the "correct" advice, please. That will not be helpful to the OP. Thank you.

 

[Thornir Alekeg]

A few questions:

Whose idea was it to have the four of you living together? How involved were the SO's in the initial idea?

What do you mean by dividing the rooms on the main floor so your brother and his SO have the kitchen and bathroom? You can't enter them without permission? You don't spend any more time there than necessary to get something? This doesn't make much sense to me unless there is a second kitchen you get to use.

As others have said, there need to be some ground rules that everyone agrees to, but from the limited info you've given here, I'm not very optimistic. I've been in this kind of roommate fight before in college. It was a long semester and I was glad to see it end.

 

[Hijinks]

What you need to do is for you and your brother to sit down and, if you excuse the expression, Lay down the Law.

1) Make clear to your SO's that this nonsense has got to stop, and immediately.
2) You do not need them to like one another, but you need them to be able to stay in the same room alone together without pissing one another off.
3) You and your brother will not tolerate having one SO bad mouth the other.

From the female perspective, I agree with this advice.

Sounds like these ladies are a little young and a.) not used to living with roommates, and b.) used to getting their own way. They need to learn to grow up and play nice with others. In the business world, when they have jobs, they will need to get along with all sorts of people, including people they don't like. Pitching a fit and flouncing off to the bedroom to sulk is teenaged behavior and should be nipped in the bud.

Also from a female perspective - I'm not sure how young these girls are, but when I was in my early 20's I was VERY quick to take offense and fly off the handle at imagined slights. They will *probably* grow out of it but it will take years (I think I was 28 or so before I started calming down). It's partly hormonal, I think.

 

[Aeolius]

Granted, unless some of the laws have recently changed, cohabitation of unmarried couples is technically illegal in North Carolina, Virginia, West Virginia, Florida, Michigan, Mississippi and North Dakota.

 

[Ambrus]

If they are adults you should be able to calmly and rationally work something out.

Sorry to say it, but this sounds largely like wishful thinking to me. History and common experience is fraught with examples of adults who couldn't manage to calmly and rationally work through divisive issues. Certainly there are some who can, but I wouldn't ascribe the ability to individuals simply because they happen to have grown beyond their adolescence.

That being said, calm discussion is the only real option aside from moving out. Unfortunately, even if calm discussion does prevail I have strong doubts that it'll ever lead to something resembling a pleasant co-habitation experience. In my experience people rarely become chummy with those who've called them "Hitler" or any other insulting name. At best, I'd expect an uneasy truce and a grim acceptance of the situation. No guarantees how long that'd last though.

Even if you did manage to live reasonably peacefully together for a year or two, I suspect that once you did move out there'd be a great communal sigh of relief at the knowledge that this tense living arrangement was finally at an end. In essence, I'd suggest trying to work it through with calm discussion and a good deal of compromise and understanding, but I'd also begin making plans for finding other living arrangements as soon as possible. Life is too short to spend a few years living in a tense hateful environment you grow to despise and seek to avoid. That kind of vibe will wear everyone down in the long run and make everyone miserable.

 

[Bloosquig]

Also from a female perspective - I'm not sure how young these girls are, but when I was in my early 20's I was VERY quick to take offense and fly off the handle at imagined slights. They will *probably* grow out of it but it will take years (I think I was 28 or so before I started calming down). It's partly hormonal, I think.

Oh thank god you mean you girls grow out of it? Just kidding but my wife can be very touchy about some very silly things. Not that us men are any better, I think people are just stupid in general for quite a while till whatever event happens that finally manages to stop it.

But back on the actual thread I would agree with the "get out of Dodge" vote. If in only a month they're getting bitter and catty to that degree probably time to back out if at all possible. You don't want anything to get any more rooted then it already is especially if they will have to deal with one another in a family style setting later in life. :\

If it's not possible to back out you might want to sit down and have a heart to heart with your SO's and find out if anything else has happened that you might not be aware of. Maybe they were talking smack while you were not around and that caused some bad feelings or maybe it's some other habit that's irritating them and causing them to lash out.

However it goes I wish you luck!

 

[Pyrex]

Granted, unless some of the laws have recently changed, cohabitation of unmarried couples is technically illegal in North Carolina, Virginia, West Virginia, Florida, Michigan, Mississippi and North Dakota.

And in states where it's not illegal, it can lead to common-law marriage in as little as six months, so be careful.

 

[Nareau]

We have divided up the rooms on the main floor. We have the living room and dinning room. They have the Kitchen and bathroom. It's still not working out.

Well, that doesn't surprise me one bit. I'd be pretty upset with my roommates if they were pooping in the dining room!

Advice? Move out. If you're marrying this woman, you two should have your own place.

Although to be completely honest...your description of your fiance makes her sound like she's got a lot of growing up to do. If she's calling her housemate "Hitler" and storming off over such a small request, I can imagine your future arguments over money, children, sex, and family are going to be much, much worse.

Nareau