Consider also that "action" is used both as a game-defined term and as a normal English word. It's not well defined; and common sense suggests that someone doing the ROFLMAO isn't also to the AoO dance. There's no real way of distinguishing between game defined and normal terms. Taking a 5-foot step or making an attack of opportunity are actions in the broad sense, and I think that's enough to rule them out. The rules break down too easily if you're willing to be that literalistic about interpretations.
However, not here:
Further, even the "Not an action" category specifies that they "are considered an inherent part of doing something else". But there's no other action you could do, so even "not an action"s like 5-foot steps can't be taken, since you need to take them as part of another action.
In addition, even if you were to rule that you're able to take five foot steps, when you're prone your movement is at best hampered (and thus you can't take 5 foot steps) or more literally, you don't have a listed movement speed for it (and thus you can't take 5-foot steps).
Concerning the ability to make AoO's: you can't make a melee attack into the adjacent squares (which would take an action) so you're not threatening anybody - rendering the AoO question somewhat moot, since there's nobody to hit...
Finally, the flavor and intent of the spell are obvious.