The Hitchhicker's Guide to the Dungeon

[Corvidae]

a priceless item

According to the guide there are several priceless items to be had in dungeons, one of these being, a live chicken. The only way to upgrade this item is to in fact have two live chickens.

Think about it.

Chickens do a number of vital tasks in a dungeon, They can be used as a feather pillow,
(amazing how well that magic sleep spell works on a chicken), to mark your path (trust me, chickens produce prodigious amounts of excrement), to confuse your enemies (nothing is so distracting as having a chicken fly in your face while you are trying to do something important), to cause a diversion (funny, that sounds alot like decoy), or even to waste away those boring hours resting (play catch the greased chicken).

In addition to all these vital functions, a chicken can be used to barter with various dungeon inhabitants who find the dry tasteless meat of a chicken to be infinately better than the gooey horrid meat of a spider.

The usefullness of a chicken is only limited to the imagination of the adventurer.

 

[jcfiala]

Light

Light is a funny thing in a dungeon.

Some dungeons contain no light at all, stocked to the brim with varieties of creatures who can see in the dark (Orcs, Trolls, certain Politicians), traps, and the occasional room painted with a unique kind of fungus that provides light, but can't be scraped off the walls and brought to another room.

In this sort of dungeon the adventurers (unless they all can see without light) need to bring along torches, lanterns, or magic light spells to allow them to see, which unfortunately means that everyone else in the dungeon can tell just where they are, setting up horrible traps and ambushes to get rid of the noisy group which is keeping everyone up at day. This was dangerous, given the tendancy of all of these things to catch things on fire (torches are dropped, lanterns are smashed, and wizards who cast light have an unfortunate tendancy to panic and cast fireball at ground zero). Thus with the introduction of the new styles of magic, everyone was very relieved to discover the creation of a magic spell which created a pernament fake fire which would light up the area without actually burning anything or requiring the presence of a wizard to cast light spells.

The other sort of dungeon is the well lit, nicely planned dungeon where there are torches (or other magical light source) every ten feet, where the opponents are all casually able to see everywhere, and no one has to mess around with light sources.

You would think that this would end the problem with lights, but adventurers have often found that the best way to operate in such a location is to cast darkness spells whenever possible, shrouding the light-dependent enemies in concealing darkness as they use their own magic to find and kill the poor buggers. It's this sort of contrary logic that makes Dungeon Masters throw up their hands and swear off normal enemies, instead collapsing that section of the dungeon in a fit of spite.

The guide suggests taking the Blindfighting feat and poking your own eyes out. You won't have to worry about all of this crazy light contremps, you won't have to worry about ending up with the ugly bar wench, and given the way pit traps work, you've got as good a chance wandering into one with your eyes as without.

 

[Tolen Mar]

Dragons

The Encyclopedia Arcane (and its supplement, the Codex of Inane Monstrosities) will go on at length about the natural habitat of dragon, their preferred food source, and even goes so far as to list over 5,000 varieties of dragon in the know universe. It says that among other things, dragons are remarkably intelligent, clever, and cruel.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Dungeon adds the following:

Dragons are very clever. So mind bogglingly clever, it boggles the mind just to try and comprehend the enormity of the creature's intellect. Their brains are so large, that even a manically depressed golem (now with genuine people personalities!) from the Sirius Arcanists Corporation would pack up shop after two minutes conversation. I mean think about it. They lurk in the deepest darkest pits of the worst, most dank dungeons in all of creation*. A beast 300 feet long, that has wings of the same length or longer somehow manages to find a way to end up in a cavern full of gold at the end of a tunnel just 10 feet from floor to ceiling. Thats the kind of cleverness we're talking about here.

Don't go up against a dragon without a really powerful artifact, and an army of disposable NPC's (preferably lawyers). And don't think that throwing a towel over your head will help. It can see you, and it will eat you.

*About creation: The guide does not mean to indicate that some ultra-powerful being in fact created the universe. When looked at logically, the universe is in fact too screwed up and illogical to have come from the mind of any being, unless that being were rediculously insane**.

**The guide also admits that by most accounts, any and all gods are in fact terribly insane.

 

[aguynamedbry]

Gust of Wind

It is a well known fact that the spell Gust of Wind, albeit a useful party trick, is almost always a waste of a spell slot. Only against the smallest of enemies does it have any use what-so-ever and even then the tried and true magic missile spell reins supreme.

What’s truly fascinating is how the spell came into being at all. The much maligned wizard Bleco Femberblotz was at home taking a nap when his wife woke him up complaining about the smell from the displacer beast’s kitty litter container. Although any other wizard with an ounce of intelligence would deploy an unseen servant, Mr. Femberblotz went to work on creating a spell to try to control the smell – the result, the unimpressive and wholly inappropriate Gust of Wind which ended up wafting the scent of the displacer beast’s droppings to the surrounding area where they were quickly scented by a hungry troll who destroyed the home of Mr. Femberblotz, killing him, his wife and their displacer beast named Fluffy.

Thus leading to the creation of the phrase “Trolls love displacer beasts named Fluffy”.

 

[Kae'Yoss]

Area of Effect
Said to be the loudest currency* band in the Multiverse, and in fact the loudest sound of any kind, anywhere. So loud that the audience usually listens through a reinforces scrying cristal. On another plane. Within the area of a silence spell. Area of effect's shows went so far as to let loose the Terrasque on a planar metropolis. In the moment, the lead singer, Emirikol the Chaotic, is trapped in a soul gem for tax reasons.

*Gold, silver and other heavy metals

Oerth:
Formerly the planet with the highest number of dungeons, but today most of its surface is covered by the Wizards of the Coast Complains Department.

 

[AZNtrogdor]

awesome! its always kool to see spin-offs of ur threads! http://www.enworld.org/showthread.php?t=130795



okay i got one to add to the guide!

Noobs: Mostly Harmless

 

[jcfiala]

Evard's Black Tentacles

This spell is proof that the great wizard Evard really was a complete pervert. Tired of using fireball to burn his opponents and not able to use sleep effectively on anything more dangerous than an orc with a hangover, the great wizard Evard used his great knowledge of magic to come up with a spell that would allow him to capture his oppoents - and allow him to enjoy this capture.

As such, it should not surprise the reader to discover that the Church of Purity has banned Evard's work as evil and entirely too naughty. Only one of his many spells is known, thanks to a quick scroll he knocked out in the margin of a letter he was sending to his cousin. Rumors that Evard's spellbooks include the spells Evard's Pink Tentacles, Evard's Summon Inflatable Monster V, and Evard's Instant Party have been loudly denied by agents of the Church of Purity.

Note: Anyone able to provide the editors of the Guide with the contents of Evard's spellbooks will be richly rewarded.

 

[Macbeth]

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Dungeon has this to say about Nymphs: Good Luck.

The Guide also notes that there is standing reward of 5,000 gp for a live nymph to facilitate 'expanding' the entry.

 

[Orryn Emrys]

Because, let's face it, when we all saw the suggestion, we all thought it would be a good idea.

Extraordinary! If this gets published, make sure I get a complimentary copy! I'll work up a couple of entries as soon as I get the chance....

 

[Saeviomagy]

Didn't planescape already effectively have hitchikers guides? Called mimirs?