The lovely stupidity of some players...

[Broccli_Head]

Brain Fart!

In my recent campaign, the party confronted a succubus and ended up deciding to 'retreat'. They called it 'making a deal'.

The leader of the party stayed behind to finish the deal when the succubus revealed her true nature to him via a telepathic picture of her true form. A successful planar knowledge role made it clear to him what she was. However, as she was about to leave, she had one last request ...a kiss from the hero.

She didn't have to use a charm or anything and goofy PC, I guess flattered by the attention of this deadly NPC, complied. He lost a level (or was it two)!

It was a classic!

 

[MyPetSlug]

Well, I haven't posted before, but I can't resist. The stupidest thing I've ever done as a player was back in the days of 2e. My Lowly 3rd level mage is wandering through a dungeon with his friends and they enter a room with a table with a crystal ball on it. The DM tells us that the crystal ball starts to glow, and he's thinking, "Ok, crystal ball glows, then explodes sending shards of glass flying that do one point of damage to the characters. Just to scare them". At the same time, me in my infinite wisdom, I think, wow, the crystal ball is glowing. It must be trying to show us something, so I tell the DM "I get as close to the crystal ball possible and look directly into it.” All it was supposed to do is *one* point of damage, just one. This was supposed to be the easiest encounter in the entire dungeon. My mage wore and eye-patch for the rest of the campaign. Lucky he managed to save one.

 

[Patrick-S&S]

Oboy, the world seems to be filled with dumb players...

The same dude who died by the hands of the zombies once played a legionaire in the service of the Nordaka clan (in Hârn). He was under the command of a veteran soldier who has an impressive resumé of old battles and wars. They were sent into the wilderness to further the Nordaka's aim for a personal route that would bring them more wealth. The veteran leader of this mission whose name was Rodri had other plans...

He had a treasure map that would reveal a lot of lost silver, long gone by the assault of the Tulwyn Tribesmen (a fierce race), so the owner had to hide it in the wilderness before he died (one of his men got away and later made a treasure map; long story...). After the new party consisting of the PCs, Rodri, his personal men, and some other legionaires, getting their ass whopped by the Tulwyns, they decided to head back. However Rodri and his men was to remain, moving away from the original orders.

Now little did the PCs know that Rodri was planning to use the silver to further his aim to become someone important in the republic by giving at least half of it to the Nordakas. Jonny who was always a fiesty lad, decided after some sneaking about (learning about the lost silver), that he wanted a piece of the action since the mission was a failure, and failure meant less pay. The PC did the following...

In the morning of the break up of what was left of the moved camp, the PC challenges Rodri who not only is twice his size but has superior weapons, experience and attributes. Not only did he challenge him for the leadership of the band, he also challenged him for the silver. I don't know why this sudden act of suicidal stupidity arose but said and done, Rodri being a man of honor was impressed with the youth's enthusiasm and decided to add him to his band of men. The PCs wanted more than that...

He still persisted on a challenge, insulting Rodri in front of his men, while the rest of the PCs look at the scene stunned. Rodri could have had him shot down by his archers but agreed to a fight. The PC then pulls out his master ace. He wants a fight to the death dressed only in a pair or trousers or leggings. As a I GM I groaned out loud telling the PC about Rodri's past and reputation, the other players joined in my plea to the player, but he was sure he could take him.

The fight lasted one round because Rodri had about 35-40% more in all skills, roughly 3-4 better in most combat attributes, and of course far better weapons. Jonny was hoping that Rodri would fumble with his attack and counterstriked with his shortsword against the veteran's sharp bastardsword. Of course Rodri rolled a CS and the PC a MF, which ended in a 3d6+10 or so hit, cutting off jonny's character's right arm. Rodri in his TA cut of the PC's head as well.

The last part translated to D&D... The player gaming a 3rd level fighter getting his ass whopped by a 12th level veteran fighter. Not very smart...

 

[JeffK1966]

More fun and games with stupid players

And, in the further adventures of my friend who is responsible for 90% of our gaming stories…

A party of first level PCs was hired to bring a merchant and his caravan to another town. The goods are locked in a chest and the PCs don’t know what the goods are.

The PCs camp on a hilltop and set a small campfire. They are ambushed by goblin archers who are firing arrows up the hill. As you know, the wilderness is basically a wide-open area.

Rather than using the wagon as cover to fire back at the goblins, or wait for the mage to cast a light spell to hurt the goblin eyes, said PC decided to take a flaming torch out of the fire and then set the merchant’s wagon on fire. He then proceeded to push the wagon down the hill in hopes that the flaming wagon would run over the goblins.

Of course, it takes the horseless wagon a while to build up momentum and all, and the goblins would merely have to take a few steps to the right or left to get out of the way.

The DM, being a kind and generous sort, decided to be nice and give the goblins some rolls after he had finished laughing. He got one bad roll for the goblins and one of them tripped and did not get out of the way of the flaming wagon.

Of course, after the battle was over, the wagon is nearly in ashes and the merchant’s cargo of fine silks is destroyed… but, he got one goblin.

 

[Taluron]

"So ya' wanta know about the dread Gazebos, eh? Well it goes like this..."

Since someone asked I will relate our groups gazebo encounter. It was a looong time ago, 1st ed DnD. Three players, one DM. We'd been traveling through a mountain in a underground dungeon complex, game time almost two months. We FINALLY find the exit on the far side and walk out the door....

DM: "About 50 feet away you see a gazebo.

Player 1: "Oh? Okay."

DM: "As you move ou...."

Player 2: "Wait, I'm gonna shoot an arrow at the gazebo."

Player 1: "Why?"

DM: "Fine, there's an arrow in the gazebo."

Player 2: "Did I hurt it?"

Player 1 and DM: [dumfounded looks]

DM: "No, it's a gazebo."

Player 3: "Should I fireball it?

DM: "It's a gazebo!"

Player 1: "Why would you do that?"

Player 3: "Well, the arrow didn't hurt it."

DM: "It's a GAZEBO!"

Player 1: "So? Why waste a fi... Do you know what a gazebo is?"

Player 2 & 3: "No."

Player 1: [explains what a gazebo is]

Player 2: "Oh. We didn't have any of those where I grew up in New York."

Player 3: "Oh. I know what that is but I thiought it was called something else."

And that's our side of the Gazebo Assault. And yes it is a true story, I'm Player 1.

 

[bloodymage]

This is as much funny as it is pathetic. I'm running a small 2 person side campaign with an elven wizard and a human rogue (thief), both male. The wizard's player is experienced at D&D but not at playing evil (the mage has tendencies). He's having his own problems. The thief's player is completely new to tabletop but experienced at LARP and believe it or not, too anxious to learn and experiment. For instance, he's doing things like inventing 344th level characters, weird race combos like half-celestial/half-dragons, and trying to run a Ftr1/Pal1/Mnk1/Rgr1 (not in my campaigns!). Anyway, I just told him to tear up all his weird character sheets, no more multi-classing and straight classes and races out of the PHB for the forseeable future (I'm his primary DM).

So, the mage and the thief have to high-tail it out of Silverymoon after becoming (guilty) suspects in a pair of burglaries. The mage is trying to discover the lost art of "gem magic" and his researches have led him to seek the Dungeon of Death. They travel to the town of Yartar and decide they need to hire some muscle before they travel on. They find a likely warrior watering hole and have a dispute over what they're looking for. The wizard is of the opinion that competent but affordable is their goal. The rogue says only the best will do. They decide to each attempt to recruit a hireling. The wizard finds a decently equipped and seemingly competent warrior-woman for a reasonable price (the PC's are 2nd level and the die said the wizard's hireling was 2nd level also). The rogue spies 2 likely candidates, one a huge hulking human (5th level) and the other, an extremely well equipped and fastidious elf (9th level). Of course, he can afford neither. The human is more interested in eating than the rogue's offer so the thief attempts to convince the elf to join them. He ends up getting caught in a lie and summarily dismissed from the insulted elf's table.

The mage spends all day preparing for their morning barge journey north. The thief spends all day trying to "get the goods" on this elf! He fails Gather Info and can't find out anything about his target. He realizes the elf is probably more powerful than he is (duh!) so he goes to the riverfront and tries to hire 4 thugs to walk into the "Rusty & Broke" and pummel his nemesis! The thugs of course, don't want anything to do with suicide so they threaten to roll the thief instead. Our protagonist is getting very frustrated at these dead-ends he's running up against. He wants vengeance! He observes that the elf has visitors in the tavern from time to time (a rare idle day for the elf) and decides to question one of them as he's leaving the tavern. The dead-ends weren't working to discourage this juggarnaut so I allowed another Gather Info roll based on this new technique of questioning known acquaintances. On a wildy successful roll, the 10th level fighter accomodates this earnest but laughable boy. Our rogue finds out that his elf has single-handedly defeated a slaad! Not knowing what that is, it's described as a powerful, hideous demon on the prime material plane. This is our rogue's first tangible indicator of the elf's prowess and, by extension, that of his associates. So the fighter wants to know why this grubby youth is asking so many questions about his friend. The rogue lies. Fighter rolls a very high Sense Motive. Demands the truth. Rogue lies again. Fighter threatens death. Rogue again lies. Fighter draws his sword. Rogue runs for his life...no...rogue 'fesses up...no...rogue steps back and draws his rapier! Initiative goes to the fighter and our rogue is immediately downed (unconscious, hurt bad, bleeding but not dead).

That night, when the thief doesn't show up, the wizard goes looking for him. He finds his pawn conscious (1hp) and bound to the throwing board in the "Rusty & Broke" being used as the object of a dagger throwing contest by the tavern's patrons. While he negotiates for his release, the rogue goes under again when a female dwarf misses her throw. The wizard is told he can pick up his companion before dawn in the alley. The thief was definitely going to lose either his tongue or his hearing, but a 99 on my %iles prevented it! The mage found the rogue the next morning stripped, shaved and bound with just the contents of his money pouch strewn on the ground around him.

Next session: embarkation for the Dungeon of Death. All put in a prayer to Mask or Tymora, whichever you may incline toward, for our hapless rogue. He'll need all the help he can get to survive the journey, much less the dungeon!

PS: There are definitely other stories about our converted LARP player. I'm beginning to have my doubts as to whether this fellow will ever learn how to survive in D&D.