The propoganda is working? - A woman recommends dating nerds...

[Merkuri]

I've known more than one girl that has hooked up with a guy that turns out to be a bit of a jerk and when I bluntly point this out, they say it doesn't matter, they can change him. The size of some women's egos is amazing (even more amazing is how that ego doesn't shrink when they find out they're wrong about some guy or another).

I used to be one of those girls. In college I went out with a guy for almost a year and a half (though some of that time was summer vacation when we were several states away from each other). He was super-critical of everything I did and made me feel like crud. One time he actually broke down crying because he realized something about my personality (long story). I tried to break up with him once, but he apologized and begged my forgiveness and I took him back. Another time I broke down crying in front of him because he was trying to pressure me into something I wasn't ready to do. His response to that was to lay off it for that day and resume the next. I could go on and on about the things that should've lit the light in my head that this guy was a piece of dung.

It wasn't an ego thing, though (at least, not consciously). It was that I liked being in a relationship. The man I was with I wasn't so hot on, but I thought I needed the relationship. I was trying to change him, and he was trying to change me, but eventually I came to the realization that it was just not worth it. The person you date should make you feel good about yourself, and if you can't find that then you're better off alone.

I learned my lesson, though, and am with a great guy who I feel like I can be myself around without worrying about being criticized. He loves me for who I am, and I love him for who he is.

Oh, and we're both nerds. Love you Awayfarer!

 

[paulsometimes]

It wasn't an ego thing, though (at least, not consciously). It was that I liked being in a relationship. The man I was with I wasn't so hot on, but I thought I needed the relationship. I was trying to change him, and he was trying to change me, but eventually I came to the realization that it was just not worth it. The person you date should make you feel good about yourself, and if you can't find that then you're better off alone.

Maybe I should have you talk to a friend of mine. Not that the guy she's dating is really a jerk. Both of them are decent people, but they do not have a decent relationship. And I think the only reason they stay together is they're both desperate to have a relationship. She's even hinted at this idea to me. Yet now she's talking about marriage with this guy as he's about to deploy to the mideast and she thinks this will make sure to keep them together. I can see a bad train wreck coming, but I guess some people have to go through it before they'll learn (though I'm really hoping they postpone this marriage thing).

 

[Merkuri]

This might be the type of thing she needs to figure out for herself. She might have time to realize what she's doing when he's gone. If you seriously think she will not be happy in this marriage, tell her. Let her know that you see how unhappy she is with this guy.

If she feels the need to tie this guy to her through marriage because she feels he'll be unfaithful otherwise or that they'll grow apart while he's away, then marriage is NOT what she needs to be thinking about. If you have to find a way to make a person be with you then that relationship is not meant to be.

I'm probably preaching to the choir, though. I don't think me talking to her will change her mind, but feel free to point my posts out to her or send them to her in another manner. She needs to figure out that a bad relationship is worse than no relationship at all, but whether she finds that out the hard way or the easy way is up to her.