Tips for an Expectant Father

[takyris]

Not much to add to other people's awesome advice.

Get as much face time with the baby as you can. Sure, a lot of the time. Olaf(ette) will be asleep, but in those rare times when the baby is awake, be there, talking and making eye contact. And since babies have limited vision at first, you need to be close to the baby's face -- and talking in a gentle but clear voice. Seeing the baby look up into you with these awesome wide eyes is extremely humbling.

Change diapers. It's not pleasant. Get over it. (Maybe this doesn't need to be said, but some dads still subscribe to the "The wife changes diapers" thing, and really? No.)

If your wife is breastfeeding, you'll be sleeping more than she is. Be available to be woken up if the baby needs to be cuddled or diaper-changed. Don't stay up all night to be supportive -- she's going to need somebody awake and alert to hunt and gather through the day -- but be available when it's 4 in the morning and she's weeping from fatigue and frustration.

I've been taking care of my wife since the new baby arrived. In the morning, I get up with our older son, and I let my wife sleep. Later in the morning, I bring up some breakfast for her. It helps make up for the sleep she's missing during the night.

I remember that you read my blog post about the birth, so you know that I have no real advice there beyond "Listen to your wife, and advocate for her to doctors and nurses, and be positive and reassuring at all times." A lot of times, that means a Bluff check. Roll well.

Oh, and when a baby cries, it's pretty much for one of six reasons:

1) I want food
2) I need a diaper change
3) I need to be burped (or tummy-rubbed to get me to the diaper-change part)
4) I need to have my environment checked for uncomfortable things (an edge of the diaper pinching or cutting, for example, or it being too hot or too cold for the baby)
5) I need to be cuddled
6) I am sick, teething, or have colic -- sucks to be you!

When the baby cries at 5 in the morning, it's tough to remember all of those, and it's easy to get frustrated or fixated on one of the 6 -- "Why won't he just eat?" When things start to get frustrating, work through the list. There's no real cure for colic, so if the first five don't work, take the temperature and, unless the baby is running a fever, try a washcloth frozen in the freezer as a chew toy (for teething) or just keep cuddling (for colic).

Good luck!

 

[Lockridge]

4) I need to have my environment checked for uncomfortable things (an edge of the diaper pinching or cutting, for example, or it being too hot or too cold for the baby)
Good luck!

Good advice there. I remember trying to figure out why my little one was crying for several minutes before realizing that in putting on her shoe, her little toe was caught on an elastic on the inside of her shoe.

 

[DaveMage]

Since others have covered most of it, I'll be brief, but I'll hit on three of the most important points, some of which were already covered:

#1: You will know your baby better than anyone (including other family members who don't live with you). Things that worked for others might not work for you at all. Don't let anyone tell you they know what's best for you and your child - you do (and the mom, of course ).

#2: Routine is very important. Establishing a routine creates expectations. Routine is especially important for naps and bedtime, so that your child will come to expect these at a certain time each day. (This should be established after the first four weeks or so since during that time, you're probably still figuring out what routine works best for you.) I recommend an early bed time (8:00 - 8:30 p.m.) so that you have some time to unwind in the evening before you have to sleep.

$3: Read to your child! They pick up more than you think - even though they can't comminicate it to you at early ages.

Congratulations!

 

[Lockridge]

Are you planning on attending a pre-natal course? You should. It will give you a lot of tips on what to do and how you can coach your wife during labour. Your role is important - that encouragement, love and support is absolutely needed.

Have you discussed painkillers? This is very personal and you and your wife should not only be on the same page before you get to the hospital but you need to ensure that the hospital staff is as well.
Not for everyone advice: My wife chose not to use painkillers at all after seeing a video in a prenatal class that compared babies whose mothers used painkillers and babies whose mothers had not. The babies whose mothers used painkillers were not alert or aware because the painkillers seep into their system as well as the mother's. Did you know that a baby laid on its mother's chest will often find its way to the nipple on its own and start sucking? Babies whose mothers used painkillers just laid there. Our experience was similar. Our baby was born alert and lively.
Once again, this is our experience and results will vary for everyone.

Get ready to lose touch with some freinds. Not that they are bad friends or anything but I've found that some folks just don't understand why calling or dropping in like they used to isn't acceptable anymore. Even friends with children of their own may forget what its like. Also, you will find that depending on the stage of your baby, you can't plan anything for more than two hours at a time before another feeding or nap is needed. When very young your baby can sleep anywhere with anything going on but a little later you will find that this isn't the case.
In our case, our in-laws (who have three kids of their own) have now invited us over twice and served supper after 7PM. By this time the baby is tired and cranky and its time for us to go home. She won't nap at their place because there are too many other kids around. They sometimes act like we should stay late even though the baby's miserable. Then they get that "we've been through it and you are worrying too much air about them". Even though I remember them leaving our place early when their children were 12 months old.

Enjoy the early stage when they will eat and sleep anywhere. You may even be able to continue gaming. That will typically end a few months later when they are more aware. This is when you may find that you need to invite people over to your house rather than go to theirs.

For down the road:
Get ready to change your eating habits. If you are a snacker like I am, your child will try to follow in your footsteps. I'm now trying to live in a world without chips and M&Ms every night.

Also for down the road:
After your baby hits about six months old (or before) you will notice relatives and friends giving him/her chocolate, cake, ice cream and so on. Babies do not need this nor will they miss it. A baby's stomach is only as big as their fist. Now imagine what a plate full of cake will do.
I've found that relatives like to give children sweets more for their own sakes rather than the baby's. The relative likes the smile they get from the baby and the way the baby will eat it all up. Of course they forget that this will cause the baby to get a sugar high, stomach ache and will vomit.
Learn some diplomacy to deal with this.

Ok, I've contributed way more than you asked but this topic just opened up a valve of experiences for me. I do wish I had this list 16 months ago.

 

[niolo]

I concur with crying as communication. It is easy to become frustrated (lack of sleep, new challenge of a child in the home, etc). Look to that list of 6 things, ours had a long hair wrapped around his finger that bothered him. It was impossible to see without poring over his person.

Colic could be gas. Gas can be relieved by laying the baby on his back and drawing his knees up to his chest. This will look like the fetal position and really helped our 1st and 3rd son. Simethicone http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Simethicone worked well too when we couldn't help it the other way. Our 2nd son had severe allergies so his crying was related to his diet (what he was getting from mom's diet) that we weren't able to discern save from seeing specialists.

We also relied upon "What to Expect in the First Year" as others have noted all babies are different use the book as a guideline, it is helpful.

Congrats and good luck.

 

[Kahuna Burger]

Have you discussed painkillers? This is very personal and you and your wife should not only be on the same page before you get to the hospital but you need to ensure that the hospital staff is as well.

*nods* it is very important to be ready and willing to advocate for your wife, which obviously includes knowing what her preferences are. In addition to painkillers, some things to consider in advance - routine episiotomy (not as common these days, but some drs still practice it), whether and when to give drugs to speed and strengthen contractions*, IVs, external vs internal fetal monitoring, enemas, shaving, freedom of movement, etc etc. While you can't predict or control a birth, some things are options that a particular birth attendant can give you the impression you either don't have available or on the other end don't have a choice in. Ask questions early, and be your wife's advocate without apology.

* There is a fine line that you have to feel along in some childbirth situations between aknowledging that you aren't the one with the degree and the experience here and the sad fact that some OBs will try to fit your wife's labor into their schedule and try to make things happen the way that's easiest for them rather than the way that's best for the woman or child.

edit : oh yeah, you implied you didn't know if you were having a boy or girl yet, so, without giving any advice or opinions either way (as that way lies messageboard madness) you should make sure that your wife and you are on the same page on circumcision and that those caring for your child directly after birth know your decisions.

 

[Harmon]

Something I thought of this morning-

Camera- I think Aurora touched on this, but a camera, is a must while in the hospital. I went through two disposables during our ten days, only about twenty shots came out, but they are prized.

Get your car seat now. Our daughter (Bug for purposes of EN) was five weeks preme, and we had to call the In Laws to pick it up then pay them a transportation fee to get it for us (course you more then likely will have better relatives then we have). Go to your local police and ask them for help installing it (so it's legal). I was pulled over a while back, because the officer wanted to check the car see (three "Baby On Board" signs on the car, I wonder how he knew :\ ). It just so happened that that officer was the one that had helped my wife put it in, best experience I have had with a cop in a long time.

Should your wife have the issues that my wife had with milk production, give her support, she will take it personally, and she will be rough on herself.

Do not have anyone live with you in the first few months, no matter how great your relationship.

Get Infant 411, and the First Year Book, both are invaluable resources to us, its just a good piece of mind to know that we can look things up that we aren't sure about (first and only child, after ten years of trying).

Get a good Baby Monitor (I like our Evenflo).

Do not fuss over every noise, and do not get the little one up with every whimper.

Good luck, hope all goes well and you get a perfect angel.


<Hijack>
My wife works and only has about two hours a day with Bug due to her schedule. When the wife (Le for purposes of EN) comes home she wants play, feed, change, and do all the things she can, she never pushes, she just steps in and does them, trying to get that connection going. She likes to give Bug a bottle and sit with her before bed time, but Bug usually ends up hitting her mom, slaps in a downward, that don't hurt, just aren't kind. This has been going on for a long time (she's 19 months). Le puts her to bed, some times in tears, sometimes angry ("I just want to sit with her like you do."). Ya, Bug will sit with me, and sleep on my chest but not Le's.

There is no violence in our house, and we try to avoid it on the TV while Bug is in the room. The doctors seem to think its just Bug's own frustration and love at her mom, and the books are no help on the subject.

Anyone have any thoughts or suggestions?
<end hijack>


Peace to all, and all a good day

 

[Thunderfoot]

Congrats

Now to the advice, all very good so far - but also remember - BABIES BOUNCE! In other words, at some point your child will fall down and hurt itself, they may bleed, they will cry, they will get over it and they will heal and usually they will learn from it. The hardest thing a new parent has to learn is that overprotection is almost as bad as abuse. If the child is overprotected, they will not learn valuable life lessons (like the stove is hot) or if you decide to climb a tree, you may fall down (of course this takes into account a few years worth of lessons, but I think you get the picture.)

The first time the child is old enough to understand that fall down and cry means parents run up and give me a cookie (metaphorically speaking), they will milk it for all its worth. Children are inherently perspective and even if they can't tell right from wrong, they will figure out very quickly how to control you better than a mind flayer.

Its worth the sleepless nights, the bumps and bruises, etc though. My oldest just graduated High School and started college, my youngest just started High School...and every moment may not be a bed of roses, but it is awesome.

 

[Aurora]

Children are inherently perspective and even if they can't tell right from wrong, they will figure out very quickly how to control you better than a mind flayer.

Oh my goodness! Isn't that the truth! My (2 yr old!!!!) daughter knows just how to push my buttons, and then knows what to do and say to get mommy to cool down. Lil' stinker.

 

[Bad Paper]

good heavens, how could you possibly read all this advice?

Handling a newborn is like being a DM:
1) Are the players having fun?
2) Am I having fun?
3) When was the last diaper changed?

That's pretty much all you need. have fun!

PS: regular d20s are chokables, but the big 2" diameter ones aren't, and they're great toys for ~nine month olds.