Tips for an Expectant Father

[Olaf the Stout]

I can give some tips to you for helping and encouraging mom, but 2 questions first. Are you having the baby at home, at a hospital, or at a natural birthing center? Does she plan on nursing the baby?

We're having the baby in a hospital. The hospital is one of the smaller ones in Adelaide though so they're not as automated, "mother-in, mother-out" as some of the larger ones can sometimes be.

If by nursing, you mean breastfeeding, then yes, she does plan on nursing the baby.

Those questions aside, I agree with pp's that you are going to need rest. She is gonna need you strong and awake for the end. Make sure you have your bags packed. Have a note on top of the things that you can't pack yet, but need to bring. Things like cell phone chargers, camera, etc. I hope you have a good camera. I regret waiting till my daughter was 3 mos old to buy a good camera. You need a camera with no lag after you press the button before it takes a pic. Babies and small children don't pose!
Some good pics to take:
When wife goes into labor take the last "belly shot".
Take pic of wife in front of hospital/ birthing center sign going in (if applicable).
Ask permission to take pics of baby with the nurse, doctor, midwife, etc, (Be sure to write down their names).
Get a pic of baby with everyone that comes to visit.
Pic of baby ready to go home.
With my daughter, we picked a med sized stuffed animal and took a pic of her with it next to her when we first got home, at 2 weeks old, 1 month, 2 months, etc all the way up to 1 yr old to show how she had grown. These are some of my favorite pics of her

Thanks for the camera tips. We have a digital camera that I will be taking with us (the video camera will be staying home though!). The digital camera is about 5 years old now and can take a while to ready itself for the next shot though so we are thinking about buying a new one.

Olaf the Stout

 

[Olaf the Stout]

Not much to add to other people's awesome advice.

Get as much face time with the baby as you can. Sure, a lot of the time. Olaf(ette) will be asleep, but in those rare times when the baby is awake, be there, talking and making eye contact. And since babies have limited vision at first, you need to be close to the baby's face -- and talking in a gentle but clear voice. Seeing the baby look up into you with these awesome wide eyes is extremely humbling.

I plan on spending as much time as I can with the baby. It should be a great experience.

Change diapers. It's not pleasant. Get over it. (Maybe this doesn't need to be said, but some dads still subscribe to the "The wife changes diapers" thing, and really? No.)

This is one thing that I'm not particularly looking forward too (then again, I don't know how many people actually do! ). However, I'm sure I'll learn to deal with it pretty quickly. I'm certainly not going to be one of the non-nappy changing Dads. Even if I wanted to, I think my wife would get me to "change" my mind soon enough!

I remember that you read my blog post about the birth, so you know that I have no real advice there beyond "Listen to your wife, and advocate for her to doctors and nurses, and be positive and reassuring at all times." A lot of times, that means a Bluff check. Roll well.

Yes, your blog was both entertaining and scary at the same time!

Oh, and when a baby cries, it's pretty much for one of six reasons:

1) I want food
2) I need a diaper change
3) I need to be burped (or tummy-rubbed to get me to the diaper-change part)
4) I need to have my environment checked for uncomfortable things (an edge of the diaper pinching or cutting, for example, or it being too hot or too cold for the baby)
5) I need to be cuddled
6) I am sick, teething, or have colic -- sucks to be you!

When the baby cries at 5 in the morning, it's tough to remember all of those, and it's easy to get frustrated or fixated on one of the 6 -- "Why won't he just eat?" When things start to get frustrating, work through the list. There's no real cure for colic, so if the first five don't work, take the temperature and, unless the baby is running a fever, try a washcloth frozen in the freezer as a chew toy (for teething) or just keep cuddling (for colic).

Good luck!

Thanks for that. I'll try to keep those reasons in mind.

Olaf the Stout

 

[Olaf the Stout]

Are you planning on attending a pre-natal course? You should. It will give you a lot of tips on what to do and how you can coach your wife during labour. Your role is important - that encouragement, love and support is absolutely needed.

Have you discussed painkillers? This is very personal and you and your wife should not only be on the same page before you get to the hospital but you need to ensure that the hospital staff is as well.
Not for everyone advice: My wife chose not to use painkillers at all after seeing a video in a prenatal class that compared babies whose mothers used painkillers and babies whose mothers had not. The babies whose mothers used painkillers were not alert or aware because the painkillers seep into their system as well as the mother's. Did you know that a baby laid on its mother's chest will often find its way to the nipple on its own and start sucking? Babies whose mothers used painkillers just laid there. Our experience was similar. Our baby was born alert and lively.
Once again, this is our experience and results will vary for everyone.

We've been to the birthing classes. It was quite a learning experience for me. My wife didn't learn as much as me (since she knew a lot of what they told us already), but it was still very useful for both of us.

They went through the various forms of pain management that you can use. At the moment we are both pretty open to most of the options. We want to avoid them if we can, but since it is our first child, my wife may find that the pain is more than she thought she could deal with.

What you are talking about with the babies not being as aware was discussed in our birthing classes. It sounds like the painkilling drugs were still in the system when the baby was born. Where we are having our baby, the hospital tries to avoid this happening by not giving you certain types of painkillers once the uterus has dialated beyond a certain point. That way they the drug has passed through the mother and baby's systems by the time the baby is born. At our hospital they said that they generally lay the baby on the mother's chest straight after birth so that the baby can try and breastfeed almost straight away.

Get ready to lose touch with some freinds. Not that they are bad friends or anything but I've found that some folks just don't understand why calling or dropping in like they used to isn't acceptable anymore. Even friends with children of their own may forget what its like. Also, you will find that depending on the stage of your baby, you can't plan anything for more than two hours at a time before another feeding or nap is needed. When very young your baby can sleep anywhere with anything going on but a little later you will find that this isn't the case.
In our case, our in-laws (who have three kids of their own) have now invited us over twice and served supper after 7PM. By this time the baby is tired and cranky and its time for us to go home. She won't nap at their place because there are too many other kids around. They sometimes act like we should stay late even though the baby's miserable. Then they get that "we've been through it and you are worrying too much air about them". Even though I remember them leaving our place early when their children were 12 months old.

Enjoy the early stage when they will eat and sleep anywhere. You may even be able to continue gaming. That will typically end a few months later when they are more aware. This is when you may find that you need to invite people over to your house rather than go to theirs.

Luckily (? ) we don't have too many friends. At least not those that are likely to drop in unexpectedly.

I'm not too worried about either sets of parents either. They have been great so far and have offered to help us as much as we want after the baby is born.

Also for down the road:
After your baby hits about six months old (or before) you will notice relatives and friends giving him/her chocolate, cake, ice cream and so on. Babies do not need this nor will they miss it. A baby's stomach is only as big as their fist. Now imagine what a plate full of cake will do.
I've found that relatives like to give children sweets more for their own sakes rather than the baby's. The relative likes the smile they get from the baby and the way the baby will eat it all up. Of course they forget that this will cause the baby to get a sugar high, stomach ache and will vomit.
Learn some diplomacy to deal with this.

I can definitely see this cropping up in the future, from my Mum mostly. She always used to spoil us as children (not that me or my sister are obese or anything like that) and she spoils the family dog as well. I think it is just something in her nature that she likes to do. My wife and I have already discussed things like when the baby will be introduced to certain foods, or what they will given for lunch at school. We'll definitely be trying to minimise the amount of soft drinks, chocolate and junk food that the baby/child is given. With childhood obesity a big problem here in Australia, we really don't want to add our own child to the problem.

Ok, I've contributed way more than you asked but this topic just opened up a valve of experiences for me. I do wish I had this list 16 months ago.

Thanks for posting! I appreciate hearing everyone's advice and experiences in this thread. Keep it coming if you have more to tell.

Olaf the Stout

 

[Olaf the Stout]

*nods* it is very important to be ready and willing to advocate for your wife, which obviously includes knowing what her preferences are. In addition to painkillers, some things to consider in advance - routine episiotomy (not as common these days, but some drs still practice it), whether and when to give drugs to speed and strengthen contractions*, IVs, external vs internal fetal monitoring, enemas, shaving, freedom of movement, etc etc. While you can't predict or control a birth, some things are options that a particular birth attendant can give you the impression you either don't have available or on the other end don't have a choice in. Ask questions early, and be your wife's advocate without apology.

* There is a fine line that you have to feel along in some childbirth situations between aknowledging that you aren't the one with the degree and the experience here and the sad fact that some OBs will try to fit your wife's labor into their schedule and try to make things happen the way that's easiest for them rather than the way that's best for the woman or child.

We've gone through all the various pain management options in the birthing classes. We're open to most of them but we would rather avoid them if possible. We'll just see how well my wife manages the pain when the labour starts.

The hospital likes for you to work out a birthing plan with your partner before the labour. In it you put down all the things you want/don't want to happen. This includes things like what pain relief you want/don't want, whether or not the partner will cut the cord, etc.,

At the same time, it is not a hard rule that you have to stick to. If you say no drugs in the birthing plan, but your partner can't deal with the pain, you can change your mind!

And I'm not worried about the doctors trying to fit the birth to their schedule. We're having the baby at one of the smaller hospitals in our city and everyone we have dealt with so far has been great. They generally only try to induce the labour when they feel that the baby might be at risk.

edit : oh yeah, you implied you didn't know if you were having a boy or girl yet, so, without giving any advice or opinions either way (as that way lies messageboard madness) you should make sure that your wife and you are on the same page on circumcision and that those caring for your child directly after birth know your decisions.

You're correct. We don't know what we're having yet. We're leaving that as a surprise for the big day. We have had the circumcision discussion though (he won't be circumcised (and I really don't want to get into a discussion on the pros and cons of it all)) and are on the same page. I don't know what it is like elsewhere, but I think the circumcision rate here is about 10% of all boys born in Australia are circumcised.

Olaf the Stout

 

[Olaf the Stout]

Learn how to swaddle the baby well. It calms them down quickly and that calms you down. Nothing is worse than a baby crying and you having no idea how to sooth it. There's a DVD by this slightly odd doctor called "The Happiest Baby on the Block." Get it now, watch it now and practice the techniques before the baby's here. It will save your sanity. Oh, a tip from my wife: for the first few months, tell your wife to sleep whenever the baby does. It will really play havoc on your sleep cycles, but it does get her some rest.

Good luck and remember: people have been having babies for millenia. Everything will be just fine.

Einan

What is swaddling? Is it wrapping the baby up in a blanket?

Olaf the Stout

 

[takyris]

I always heard it called "the burrito wrap" in California. It's not, really, but that's what it was called.

Take a square-ish blanket, lay it down with the corners at NSWE, and fold N in a few inches.

Lay the baby's head at N.

Fold W over all the way, across the baby as far as it'll go, and tuck the W corner under the baby.

Fold S up all the way, and if possible, tuck the S corner back into the fold-over that W made.

Wrap E around.

You now have a baby-burrito. The baby is swaddled, warm, and comfortable.

Ideally, you do it so that the arms are stuck inside. On really good days, my kid's arms would stay inside for about two minutes, and then one arm would stick on out.

(hijack)

Harmon, no easy ideas offhand -- that's not something I've really heard of. One possibility that I've run into a very little bit with my son is that it's not a negative reaction, but an excitement reaction. My son likes me, which is nice and all, but honestly, an excited two-year-old isn't really gonna be in a great place to cuddle. He will bounce up and down on me and want to roughhouse and generally do things that could look antagonistic, except that he's laughing as he does them, and it's understood that he and I are playing.

If it's not overstimulated playing, it's also possible that Bug has figured out that when Mom comes home, it means that she's going to be going to bed soon, and she's now associating going to bed with Mom and getting frustrated.

I don't know that that helps come up with solutions for the behavior, but I'd look at Le's schedule and see if there are any ways to mix in additional hours somewhere, at different times (like coming home for lunch). Then maybe you can see if this behavior happens all the time, or just when it's bedtime (which is coincidentally when Mom is home).

 

[takyris]

PS: My wife wanted me to add the following things after reading this thread (and she really loved whoever mentioned the "pictures with baby with stuffed animal" bit):

1) What surprised her with our recent birth was the post-partum blues. Sleep deprivation doesn't help. She was annoyed with me for nagging her into sleeping, but she was extremely grateful that I did, because it helped. So encourage your wife to sleep whenever she can (and that means making the house run while she's sleeping, even if it's running in a really half-assed fashion). Be patient when she thinks she's losing her mind.

2) Encourage her (and say that money is no object for her) to buy nursing bras now, because she won't want to buy them once the baby comes, and it's a pain (for you, too, not just for her) if she doesn't have a comfortable bra to use for breastfeeding.

3) Even under the best circumstances, it can be hugely overwhelming, so stick together and don't be afraid to ask for help from anybody is offering it. Friends who can bring over pre-baked dinners or family members who can hold the baby for an hour so that both of you can nap... all of that is incredibly helpful.

4) Cut the baby's fingernails and toenails when he or she is asleep.

 

[Aurora]

We're having the baby in a hospital. The hospital is one of the smaller ones in Adelaide though so they're not as automated, "mother-in, mother-out" as some of the larger ones can sometimes be.

If by nursing, you mean breastfeeding, then yes, she does plan on nursing the baby.

Previous posters have given some great advice. There are some breastfeeding/nursing (both terms seem to be used pretty equally here that I have seen ) mistakes that I made with my first child that I won't be making with my 2nd.
1) Make sure the baby rooms in with you. (Some hospitals advocate it others don't) No matter how tired you are. No matter how much you just want that one more hour of sleep. With the baby in the room, you will automatically begin picking up on the hints that baby is getting hungry and wants to eat. That gives your wife plenty of time to get comfortable and attempt to get the baby to latch on. If baby is in the nursery, the nurses won't notice until the baby is crying, and then by the time they bring baby to you, he/she will be ANGRY and HUNGRY. It is very hard to get an angry baby to latch unless baby is a pro, which obviously isn't in the beginning. I can't stress that point enough.
2) At the hospital after having baby, you and her will most likely be exhausted and you may think "Oh it won't hurt to give the baby one bottle". It really can. Is it something that you might be able to come back from....yes, but that is a much harder road to travel. At least from my experience.
3) Be prepared if your wife is having latching issues to just have her stay in bed with baby all day and do nothing but tend to him/her. This may happen even if there isn't issues. LOL Many nursing babies will want to eat every 2-3 hours in the beginning and sometimes the feeding takes an hour. She is going to be SO VERY tired. She just needs to get through the first couple weeks and it will get much easier.
4) Buy Lanolin oil BEFORE you go to the hospital and your wife should use it after she nurses every time, whether she thinks she needs it or not. And she doesn't have to wash it off or anything before she nurses the next time. Oh and she should always change her nursing pads when they wet and let her nips air dry, and no using soap on them in the shower. These things will help prevent them from getting sore and cracked. She may want to look into a product called Lilypadz. I am going to be ordering some, so I'll let you know if they are as awesome as I have heard they are.
5) If your hospital has a lactation consultant make sure they come see you before you go home at least once. Even let the nurses know right after having the baby that you are going to want to see them. Even if things are going great, they can be of great use, and make sure you get their card so if after you get home, if you have issues you can call and ask their advice. Don't be afraid to call!
6) If your wife is going to go back to work, and wants to pump, make sure you buy a good quality double electric pump. IMO Medela makes the best ones on the market and it is worth the money you spend. Cheap pumps will actually hurt her milk supply if she is having to pump daily. Trust me.
7) If you have a LLL (La Leche League) or something similar in your area, it is a good idea to have her check out their support groups, especially if she needs the encouragement. She may even look into that now and maybe even see about attending a meeting.

Someone mentioned swaddling. Swaddling is GREAT for a baby. They are used to being all tight and cozy in the womb. It makes them feel safe. I have tried a lot of different swaddling blankets and hands-down, I think that the Miracle Blanket is the best one. My best friend also got one for her daughter and felt the same way.

Wow, I wrote a lot. Sorry. LOL

 

[Aurora]

4) Cut the baby's fingernails and toenails when he or she is asleep.

Newborns nails are so thin that I would just bite them off (while she was sleeping of course ) because I was afraid to take a pair of sharp metal things to my precious baby's fingers!

 

[HeavenShallBurn]

This is not so much advice about the baby as the hospital. Don't let the baby out of your sight at the hospital, not for so much as a moment, make sure your child stays with his mother. One those first few hours are extremely important to mother-child bonding. Two hospitals DO accidentally switch babies from time to time, though not as frequently now as they used to and the only way to be certain is to never have your eyes off your child in the hospital. Third your child is more likely to catch ill if he stays in the nursery.

On a more positive note since you've said that your wife intends to breastfeed the milk produced for the first few days is extremely important as it carries anti-bodies from your wife's immune system to boost the babies own immune system.